


Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

by Riverchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alpha Castiel (Supernatural), Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, M/M, Mpreg, Omega Dean Winchester, Slow Burn, So much fluff... in later chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-25 17:25:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 122,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13839516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riverchester/pseuds/Riverchester
Summary: "you can’t just run away from the situation. You’re pregnant. From me. We have to find a solution, and mating is the right thing to do. Pups should grow up in a stable environment, a family. I have a family, and I want you to be part of it."Getting to know each other, marrying, having kids. Basically the normal and “recommended” way to start a family.Dean and Cas are starting a family too, only that they do it the other way round. Add overbearing relatives, a difficult past and lots of obstacles and self-doubt and you get yourself their story. They must learn - together and from each other - to solve the problems. And they’ve got nine months to do so. Or maybe a lifetime after all.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hellooo everyone. So, this is the first time I do anything with ABO.
> 
> Some chapters contain topics that may trigger for some people, so I will give warnings.
> 
> Prepare for angst and enjoy the ride :)

Dean stares into the sink. His arms tremble under his weight and his breathe comes out harsh and uneven, but he still stares. As if staring could magically erase this stupid second line. If he’d believe in god, he’d be looking up now, screaming, asking why the hell this is happening to him. Or maybe he’d pray. Maybe he’d plead for a damn miracle. But then again, Dean’s not a religious man, so instead he looks up into the face of the only person responsible for the shit he’s in right now.

His skin looks pale in the mirror. It could be the light, dazzling in the windowless restroom, but Dean knows it isn’t just the light that makes him look like a ghost. It’s his damn screwed-up life. He stares at his reflection for what feels like an eternity, taking in all those hateful features. The hair that doesn’t only look like it hasn’t been washed in days, the skin he’d love nothing better than to scratch from his face right now, and the eyes he can see getting wet.

Dean’s body tenses when he screams at his own face and punches the mirror. He wants to break it, wants to see his reflection shatter into a billion pieces, but it isn’t even glass that his fist hits. It’s just a mirror foil on a wooden board, and the pain shoots through him like a bullet.

At first it feels good, the sharpness and throbbing erase all thoughts for a moment, but of course it doesn’t last. Of course, Dean ends up with an aching hand and still no solution to his problem.

He grabs the pregnancy test and throws it across the room where it hits the ground. Trembling, Dean collapses against the wall and slowly sinks down until he’s curled up next to the trash can, his arms clasping his knees.

_Stupid. I’m so fucking stupid._

Resting his forehead on his knees, he closes his eyes. He wants to cry. If there’d ever been a situation where Dean Winchester would’ve allowed himself to cry, it’d be now. But he can’t, the tears won’t come. So instead, he focuses on his breathing and concentrates on the throbbing in his possibly broken hand. He does everything to not think of the night that got him into this. No, he won’t think of a mop of dark hair or piercing blue eyes. He won’t think of a gravelly voice or the clinking of glasses. And most definitely, he won’t think of that intoxicating smell or the feeling of his Baby’s leather backseat under his sweaty palms.

_I’m so fucking stupid._

 

* * *

 

 

 **_Two weeks_ ** **_earlier_  **

 

It's a good spot. Away from the hustle and bustle, a bit in the shadow, but still with a good view over the room. Dean watches people gathering in groups around the tables, loudly talking and laughing. He watches some others alone at the bar, flirting with the extremely hot barkeeper, who flutters her eyelashes in return. Dean snorts and shakes his head. Those newbies, only recently escaped from their sheltered homes, have no clue that she's playing them like a fiddle. And instead of music, she brings out tip after tip. This could turn into a great night for making money.

Downing the rest of his drink, Dean stands up and makes his way over to a group that drew his attention a while ago. The three young men caught his eye right away when they entered the bar. Tall, loud, overconfident. Alpha was practically written on their foreheads. The tallest of them, a guy using way too much styling gel and obviously the leader of their little group, made it especially easy to be labeled this night's victim No.1. Dean named him "small-size". With how loudly and detailed the guy bragged about all the chicks he pretends to have banged on a trip through Europe, he definitely has something to compensate for.

So, when small-size and his two friends approach the pool table, Dean takes the chance.

"Hey, can I join in?" he asks, heartily patting one of them on the back.

The trio turns to him, not even trying to hide their scoff about his ragged appearance, and start laughing. "Eh, sorry, I think we're fine," small-size answers.

"Oh, come on," Dean says, this time louder and more slurred, "Just one game." He rummages through his pockets and slams a crumpled bill on the edge of the pool table. "Fifty bucks, classic eight-ball. Whatcha say?”

But despite this – in his opinion – very convincing demonstration, the three guys still eye him warily and exchange glances.

_Damn, I guess I've got to bring in the big guns_

"Come on," he tries again, leaning closer to small-size, "don’t think you can handle playing against an omega?" Dean lays his arm around the guy’s shoulders while he slurs, making sure the alpha is close enough to scent him. It takes a moment, in which the tall man stares right back into Dean’s eyes and his nostrils twitch, but eventually, he can see the guy's expression shift.  _Bingo._  Playing the omega card always works.

Dean usually puts a lot of effort into hiding his secondary gender. Scent neutralizing soap lets him pass as a Beta easily, and thanks to suppressants from the blackmarket, he hasn't been in heat in over two years. They're expensive as fuck, and probably full of shit that'll kill him sooner or later, but as long as they work, he doesn't care.

"Grab yourself a cue." Small-size says, grinning in this disgustingly superior way. God, Dean hates this overconfident alpha-demeanor and he would love nothing more than to punch the guy. But he's got to earn money, so he plays his part.

"You serious, Brad?" one of the other two proles asks.

Dean has to hold back a laugh.  _Of course his name is Brad._

He sets up the balls, takes the break shot and starts playing this idiot.  Like ninety-nine percent of the freshmen jocks he usually cleans out, Brad isn’t bad at pool, but definitely not even half as good as he thinks he is. The trap is set up and he walks right into it.

This first game is always nearly as much fun as winning in the end, when Dean can see the poor idiot’s ego boost with every shot. Over the years he kind of perfectionated this part. Failing without being too obvious. Turns out, Dean can be a damn good actor if he wants to be.

"Fuck," Dean yells when the eight sinks into the pocket, "okay, you win."

Brad calls out triumphantly and high fives his buddies before grabbing for the hundred dollars.

"Whoa, stop," Dean shouts, effectively stopping the alpha dead in his track, "come on, I call return game." He dramatically digs into every of his jeans' and jacket's pockets, pulling out another crumpled bill. "All or nothing."

The alpha and his friends look down at the additional fifty bucks and start laughing. "Why are male omegas just so damn stupid?"

“Hey, you wanna talk or play?”

Brad winks and pulls his wallet out again, but before he has a chance to place down his money, someone clearing their throat catches his and Dean’s attention. The interrupter is a dark-haired guy, maybe an inch or two smaller than himself, with insanely blue eyes, confidently looking between the two of them.

Dean chuckles. Who would ever consider wearing a suit in a college bar?

“You want anything?” Brad asks the guy.

“Do you find it acceptable to take advantage of a drunken omega?” Mr. Dark-hair answers.

Dean can’t believe this guy’s nerve. “Excuse me?” he starts, but this suited up alpha apparently isn’t finished yet and continues without as much as looking at Dean.

“I watched this game for quite some time now and I came to the conclusion that you unfairly play on this man. You should never have agreed to a game with a drunken person, even less with someone from the weaker sex. I’m afraid I can’t let you continue this.”

He might have admired the guys bravery to go against three bigger alphas, but in this moment, Dean is nothing but pissed off. “What the hell?” he yells and shoves the guy away. “Mind your own business!”

Obviously startled, Mr. Dark-hair takes a step back, but keeps his posture. “I’m sorry, but this isn’t a fair game.”

 _Shut the fuck up!_ Dean starts getting angry. If this guy doesn’t stop interrupting, he might ruin this whole evening. And Dean needs the money.

“Who cares? I wanna have fun and I don’t need a baby sitter.” He locks eyes with the man and breathes heavily.

After a moment, Dean hears Brad laughing to his right. “Whatcha say to that guys? Looks like we have a real feisty omega here.” The alpha turns to the dark-haired guy and straightens to show off his full height. “I’d say it’s time for you to back off now. Go and find someone else to lecture.”

Dean sighs in relief when the guy takes one last glance at him but then finally turns around. _That was close._

“Come on, you set up,” Brad says, “One game, but only ‘cause I like you.” He winks and Dean has the urge to puke.

The alpha puts his money down and adds another fifty-dollar bill. “I’m a generous man.”

_Thank god this guy’s ego is as huge as the Chrysler building._

Sometimes, Dean wishes he could record this. The moment when people like Brad realize it’s not going to be an easy game. When they start to make an effort, and especially when they catch on with the inevitable fact of losing. Against an omega. Confusion, disbelief, anger; he’s seen it all, and he basks in it. Unfortunately, Dean basks in the victory too much at times and forgets that his counterpart is an alpha, a group of people not exactly known for handling it well to lose.

“Ha! Pay up, sucker!” Dean immediately grabs the money and puts it in his back pocket, all the while keeping his eyes on Brad and his buddies. Their shocked expressions are just too good to look away.

He is about to place the cue back on the rack, when both of his wrists are being grabbed tightly. Dean saw this coming, but the immense strength of three angry alphas is still too much. His head knocks against the wall, effectively making his ears ring and his vision blur.

“Who do you think you are, huh?” Brad hisses, closer than Dean would’ve liked.

_Shit, I should’ve been more careful._

“Come on, Brad. Don’t be a bad loser. I bet your daddy gives you your money back,” he huffs. It doesn’t come out half as confidently as he intended.

The grip around his wrists tightens, shooting a nagging pain up his arms. Brad’s reek fills the air and Dean has to cough. This isn’t good.

He expects the first punch to go to his face and already closes his eyes, but it goes to the gut, knocking the air out of his lungs. Dean doubles over, feeling his muscles close up. He doesn’t even have time to take a shaky breath before the pain of a second punch shoots through him. And there it is, right on the jaw.

_Shit, this won’t help with making money the next days._

His instinct screams at him to fight back, his mind does too, but Dean is trapped, hurting, and he can do nothing but wait for the third punch.

Which doesn’t come.

“Let him go,” says a strong, deep voice. Dean opens his eyes again and watches the dark-haired alpha from earlier coming his way with long, determined steps. Well, he’s kind of glad to see this guy now.

Brad and his fellows of dickheads actually loosen their grip on Dean’s arms, who slumps to the ground and watches the whole scenery from below. He wishes the guy good luck and hopes he can somehow escape in the upcoming turmoil.

“I already told you once to mind your own – ” Brad didn’t see the fist coming that quite effectively stopped his speech, but in his defense, neither did Dean.

 _Ooh, right on the button_. He has to admit that he’d never thought this suited-up guy had the guts or the strength to pull a stunt like that. But the gratification of seeing Brad’s bleeding nose doesn’t last for long. The bouncer clears out the trouble within minutes, seizing all of them by the collar and throwing them out. For a moment, Dean thinks Brad and his friends might try to go on at him again, so he broads his stance, but the three alphas seem to have enough and drive off in a ridiculous sports car.

Just then does Dean realize how cold it is. He freezes in his light Henley. And with the adrenaline slowly fading from his body, the pain in his arms, his stomach and jaw become more prominent.

“Shit,” he sighs while collapsing against the brick wall of the bar. His leather jacket isn’t warm enough to shield him from the ice-cold wind. He breathes in and rests his head on the wall, closing his eyes. This was not planned, not at all. With a swift grasp into his back pocket, he makes sure that the money is still save there, then starts to laugh. Not planned, but highly profitable.

“Are you cold?”

Dean opens his eyes again and looks at two shining blue orbs staring at him through the dim light of the street lamp. The dark-haired guy presses one hand to his chest while the other holds a coat in Dean’s direction. _Seriously? What’s the matter with this guy?_ He shakes his head, but keeps his glance focused.

They stay like this for another moment, before a gust of wind makes Dean shiver. He clasps his arms around his upper body, searching for any way to keep warm, but the movement makes him flinch in pain. He needs to get to his car. He probably has a hoody somewhere that doesn’t reek yet.

“Here, take at least this.” The alpha carefully throws a soft scarf around Dean’s neck. It’s still warm from body heat and Dean indulges in the comfort. He should say thank you. Not only for the scarf, but also for saving him from Brad and the others. He knows he should, but on the other hand, he didn’t ask for help, he didn’t ask this weird guy to bust in and behave like a damn knight in shining armor.

“Thanks, but I’m gonna go now,” he murmurs barely audible, hands the comforter back and turns around to follow a dark alley to where he parked his baby. After a few steps, he notices that he’s still not alone and turns around. “What’s your problem?”

The dark-haired guy stops dead in his track and stares at Dean for a long moment before he answers. “You shouldn’t walk around alone at this time.”

“Says who?” Really, who does this guy think he is?

“It’s not safe outside for an unmated omega. Especially not at night.”

Dean is really starting to see red. “You follow me because I’m an omega? Fuck off.”

But the guy doesn’t leave him alone. Dean tries for one last time, or he will punch the hell out of him. “What is your plan, huh?” he says and steps closer, using the one or two inches separating them in height to look down at the alpha, “Are you some sort of morals enforcer? Keeping an eye on the ‘weak’ ones? Because you as an alpha are so much better than the rest of the world?”

He can see the other man swallow, noticeably impressed by Dean’s demonstration. “Let me tell you one thing: I didn’t need a savior in there, and I don’t need a watchdog out here, capisce?” With that he steps back.

“I just wanted to make sure these guys don’t take advantage of you. You were apparently drunk and easily manipulable.”

Dean laughs out loud. “Are you serious? It was _me_ who played those guys! It’s called hustling pool!”

The guy looks confused. “You… you _acted_ like you’re drunk? To win money?”

“Oh my god,” Dean shakes his head, “seriously, how naïve are you? You sure you shouldn’t be at home with mommy by now?”

Mr. Dark-hair just tilts his head to the side.

“I can’t believe this,” Dean mutters. “But you know what? I don’t care. Just leave me alone. Or maybe I should write it down for you?” He flinches, the yelling strains his already aching jaw.

“You’re hurt,” the guy says and steps forward to cup Dean’s jaw carefully.

“What the hell, dude?”

“Sorry,” he apologizes and backs away. “You should probably cool this.”

“Yeah, you don’t look exactly peachy yourself,” Dean answers and points to the guy’s hand.

“Yes, that was unfortunate, but necessary.”

“This is unbelievable. Walking around in a suit in a college bar, interrupting people playing pool, because you find it necessary to act as a guardian for random omegas, or what? What kind of guy are you?”

“My name is Castiel. I’m a law student.” He offers his hand.

Dean cracks up with laughter. Can this evening get more bizarre? “You’re definitely a guy who takes things to literal.” But he still takes the hand to shake it. Castiel flinches at the contact. “Okay, you should ice that too. Nice right hook by the way.”

“Ehm, thank you?” Castiel answers.

Dean sighs. He needs to get rid of this guy, but he also need to get back to his car as soon as possible. “Come on, I’ve got an ice pack in my cooler.”

He doesn’t like this, not at all. This guy is an alpha and Dean hates alphas. Castiel is also a bit creepy, with all the staring and the trench coat and everything, but he also kind of helped Dean in an emergency, so it would be fair to at least let him cool his injured hand for a bit. If it comes to the worst, Dean thinks he could still overpower him with the crowbar in his trunk.

They walk side by side for the remaining minute or two that it takes them to reach the little shed where his Impala is parked. Dean opens the trunk and pulls out two ice packets from the cooler.

“Here,” he says when offering one to Castiel.

“Thank you.”

For a few minutes they just stand there, leaning against the car and cooling their wounds. Dean drinks another beer and uses it to down some pain killers that hopefully haven’t expired yet.

“You do that often?” Castiel asks after a while.

“Do what often?”

“Hustling pool, getting into fights.”

Dean snorts when taking a sip. “Yes, and more often than I like to.”

“You’re not a student.”

“I’m not.”

They fall back into silence until their ice packs warm up and begin to soften. Dean puts them away and tentatively touches his jaw. It still hurts like a bitch and will be black and blue for days, but he’d had worse. “You okay?” he asks Castiel, who flexes his right hand.

“Yes, it doesn’t seem like something is broken.”

“Well, good then. If you don’t mind stepping back, I’m gonna get out of here now.” Dean searches his pockets for his car keys, when he realizes that Castiel hasn’t moved a bit. “Anything else?”

The man stares yet again for a moment before he answers, his eyes not leaving Dean’s. “I think you shouldn’t continue ‘hustling pool’. You’re apparently not very good at it, if these men figured it out that fast.”

 _Did he just used air quotes?_ _And why the hell am I still talking to him?_

“Boy, you really have no verbal filter at all, do you?” Castiel tilts his head at that again and Dean’s starting to get annoyed. “Just for your information, it would’ve all turned out good if you didn’t came waltzing in trying to “save” me.”

“Oh, so you say that it was my fault that these alphas beat you up?”

“Ehm, in a way, yes,” Dean says. He is turned to Castiel again, who has his back against the car. “It put me off my stride. I could’ve concentrated more on being careful with them if you hadn’t interrupted.”

Castiel snorts. _Did he really do that just now?_ “I think it’s because you try to come across tougher than you are. You seem to be very focused on fighting against your natural instinct, against your omega personality.”

That’s it. Dean sees red, grabs Castiel and shoves him hard against the wall. Their heads are so close now that he can feel Castiel’s breath against his face. “So that’s what you are, huh? Some bigoted son of a bitch with a stick far up your ass. You probably think that alphas should rule the world, that omegas are nothing but baby machines and should stay at home to obey their mates. Is that what you think? Do you walk around and search for omegas who don’t follow your outdated rules?”

Dean can see the anger in Castiel’s eyes, he can feel the rapid pulse under his fingertips, where the alpha’s wrist is trapped. And he can smell it. In fact, it’s the first time that Dean takes the time to take in the other man’s scent. He can smell irritation, rage probably, but also something else.

“I just wanted to help,” Castiel rasps in this deep gravelly voice, “I do have traditional views on gender roles, but I will not let you insult me. I don’t think omegas are worth less, I simply got taught that an alpha should always help an omega in distress. And that is what I did.”

They are still close, very close to be honest. At some point, Dean must’ve stepped that last inch forward and pressed his body against Castiel’s. To show dominance, to show strength. “Then why are you still here? You saved your omega in distress.” He doesn’t have to speak loudly, they can probably hear each other’s whispers by now. Castiel doesn’t answer, just swallows and nervously twitches with his lips. He breathes heavily, and Dean finally understands what is going on, finally recognizes the smell. Castiel is aroused.

“Oh, so that’s your plan? You thought that you’re gonna save an omega and then what? I would show my gratitude by letting you fuck me?”

Castiel shakes his head vigorously, but his lust-blown eyes give it away. “You thought that following me down this dark alley would help?”

Dean starts having fun with this. He can feel the alpha squirm, tremble even, like he’s holding back with all strength. _Time to torture him a bit more_. “Do you like my scent? Do I make you hard?” He gets his answer when he presses one thigh against Castiel’s crotch. “Oh, I do,” he grins.

The alpha gets beet red and hesitantly opens his mouth again. “No, I… I didn’t mean to… I just… I never met someone like you and I…”

Dean smiles. He rubs his face against Castiel’s and laughs at the ragged sigh it evokes from the alpha. It’s a risky game. Dean knows well that alphas can develop immense strength when they get teased or irritated, which could end up with Castiel simply taking what he wants. But so far, it’s just too much fun to see him twist with the attempt to hold back. The power Dean feels right now is intoxicating and he doesn’t intend on letting go just yet. “You never met an omega who speaks for themselves? Someone who fights back against the big bad alpha? Is it fascinating to be pressed into a wall by someone the society considers as weak?”

Castiel nods and tries to free his hands, but Dean holds them in place. “I never met a male omega,” the alpha brings out after a few breaths.

“Oh, so that’s the thing here. Your family doesn’t only have outdated view for alphas and omegas, they’re homophobic too.” With a mischievous grin, Dean whispers into the man’s ear. “Tell me Castiel, do mommy and daddy know that their little boy likes dick? Do they know that you’d like to feel stubble against your face?” He emphasizes his speech with rubbing his jaw against Castiel’s and intensifying the pressure of his thigh on the man’s crotch. “Do they know you want strong muscles instead of soft curves?”

“No,” the alpha says, barely more than a shaky breath.

He’s about to snap any minute now, Dean can see it. And for a short moment, he thinks about giving into it, riding this poor bastard into oblivion. He has to admit that the alpha’s scent doesn’t even disgust him, quite the opposite actually. At some point, he started burying his nose in the other man’s neck, deeply breathing in. But this is wrong, so absolutely wrong. Dean doesn’t sleep with alphas, that’s his number one rule. He had his fun, tortured this guy a bit and demonstrated power, but that’s it. Or so he thinks.

Before Dean can as much as step an inch away, Castiel kisses him hard. It’s sloppy, clashing teeth and everything. The alpha acts like he suffocates and Dean’s mouth is the only source of oxygen around. To his utter surprise, Dean doesn’t recoil. He should stop this, should shove the alpha away and get into his car, but he doesn’t. No, he even opens his mouth to let Castiel in and the rest is just a huge mixup of moaning, grasping hands, and lots of saliva.

Dean’s mind keeps struggling with the whole story. His mouth gasps when Castiel sucks a hickey behind his ear, but in his head he screams “No!”. His arms circle the alphas surprisingly strong torso and his hands clutch at the man’s back muscles, but his brain want’s him to stop. Dean is inwardly reluctant until they somehow manage to get into the backseat of his car and he straddles Castiel’s hips. Their combined smell fogs around them in the closed space and time seems to slow down.

 _Fuck it!_ What’s a rule without an exception?

They claw at each other’s clothes, desperate to get them out of the way as soon as possible. With the first contact of their naked chests, there’s no going back. Dean tries to be quick with opening Castiel’s fly, but the alpha doesn’t seem to be on the same page right now. He starts kissing Dean’s neck again, soft and lingering, and makes his way down with his mouth to nibble and lick at skin. Dean feels tingly everywhere; his whole body is like under electricity.

This is not how it’s supposed to be, this should be angry sex, not sweet, not gentle. Deep down inside, Dean struggles against it, but it also feels so good. He arches his back and rests his head on the backrest of the front seats. _Just one moment._ Closing his eyes, Dean concentrates on feeling. Sweat and heat under his fingertips, the throbbing of his heart, and the chill when Castiel blows over his skin. It all builds up to an experience so new and so frightening, that Dean puts a stop to it. Opening his eyes, he leans forward and pats the alphas hands away. “Stay still,” he orders and Castiel complies, noticeably holding his breath.

Dean makes quick work of the other man’s pants, shoving them down his thighs just enough to have access to what he wants now. His own jeans are way more complicated to get rid of, but this is the backseat of an American muscle car, not some modern subcompact, and once again, Dean is grateful for his Baby.

His boxer briefs are already soaked with slick when he tears them down. _God, when did I become so needy?_ But there is no time to think about this now. Maybe there is, but Dean doesn’t want to. He swiftly positions himself over Castiel sinks down. The alpha moans and pants, but Dean doesn’t pay attention. He closes his eyes and blocks out that he’s riding an alpha at a brutal pace and that he loves it.

The Impala fills up with fog, a mixture of their combined breathing and sweat. Dean just goes at it with all he has, still not opening his eyes. But he can feel his orgasm building up and his rhythm starts to falter. Castiel seems to notice it because suddenly, a hand closes around his dick and starts stroking. Dean almost jumps up at the feeling and quickly bats the other man’s hand away. No, this is too much for him, so he replaces the alphas hand with his own.

They chase their releases and Dean almost thinks he found it when a sensation explodes inside of him that has him screaming. It takes him a second to realize that it was Castiel, who came and who is now buried deep inside of him. With his knot.

For one moment, Dean wants to get up and separate them forcefully, but out of instinct, he knows that wouldn’t do any good. They’re bound together for some time now, so he does the only useful thing now and speeds up his strokes. His orgasm shoots through him like a bullet and only after he comes down from the high, Dean opens his eyes.

The sight lets him swallow. Castiel looks done, completely wrecked with tousled hair, dripping with sweat and his head thrown back. They stay like this for a few moments, but eventually the alpha says in his sexy gravely voice, “So, what’s your name?”

 

* * *

 

 

Dean turns up the heat in his car. Fortunately, the diner’s wifi is strong enough to cover the parking lot, so he can do this in private. He never thought he’d have to search for an abortion clinic anyway. The pregnancy test lies on the passenger seat, like a punishment for not sticking to his rules. Right next to his package of birth control pills. If he’ll ever see the guy again who sold him those placebos, he’s going to say thank you with his fists.

Scrolling through the FAQ and information page of the nearest clinic makes his heart sink. _What the fuck?!_

He opens the next page. Luckily, he’s in Chicago and not in the middle of nowhere, so there is more than one option. The result, however, is the same. _No, no, no, this can’t be true._

But it is, and Dean actually shouldn’t be surprised. With how conservative and outdated the opinion of an omega’s role is in this country, he should’ve known that getting rid of a baby wouldn’t be easy. But that he needs a statement of agreement from “his alpha” is just insane. He’s not mated, so that means that his father is officially still responsible for him in this case. That’s not an option. Not for all the money in the world would he ever go back to this bastard, let alone ask him to sign this shit. No, there has to be another way.

Dean spends three days getting the address. Of course there is an unofficial way of getting an abortion, because people like making money with the distress of omegas. The neighborhood is dubious, the building even more, but what else can he do? With the hope of finally solving this problem, Dean enters the so-called doctor’s office.

His hopes get shattered quickly, when a skinny woman explains the procedure and casually mentions the price.

“Ehm, sorry, did you just say five grands?” he asks bewildered.

“Yes,” the woman answers, keeping a straight face.

“As in… five thousand _dollars_?”

“Yes.”

Dean slumps into the faux leather chair and sighs. “I don’t have five thousand dollars. I would need _months_ do get that much money. If I’m lucky.”

The skinny woman closes the file in front of her and puts it away. “Well, I fear I’ve got to ask you to leave in that case.”

“But, you don’t understand,” Dean starts, desperate, “this thing has to disappear, I _can’t_ be pregnant.”

“I’m sorry, if you don’t have the money, we can’t help you.”

The room around him starts to swim, his knees get weak and then he’s falling, crashing down onto the wooden floor. His head hurts and his ears ring, there’s not one muscle in his whole body that doesn’t tremble now. He notices that someone pulls him up, some bulky guy in a black hoody, but Dean doesn’t really react. It’s like his legs just follow the movement of being dragged out of the building, until he collapses against a brick wall outside, vomiting.

That’s how Dean finds himself, again, in a dirty bathroom of some edge of town diner. And this time he’s crying. He’s crying because he was stupid and careless and dump, and now he has a problem he can’t solve. For a long time, he just sits in the corner of this room, the guy coming in to take a piss somewhere in between doesn’t even care.

 _What should I do? What should I do?_ “What should I do,” he asks himself through the sobbing.

On his way out, he swipes the burger and fries that wait on the counter to be picked up by a waitress. Back in the Impala, he curls up on the front seat and turns up the heater. Maybe he can just fall asleep and when he wakes up again, it was all just a bad dream. Searching through the glove box for some booze to help with the process of falling asleep, his eyes land on a piece of paper. He unfolds it.

_Thank you for the night, Dean (is that what people say in a situation like this?). Call me if you need anything. Castiel._

Under the neat handwriting is a phone number. Dean remembers Castiel giving him the paper, but he never even unfolded it, blocking out the night of their meeting.

This creepy, nerdy, sexy alpha, with his hair and his eyes and his voice. For a long time, their night together seemed just like a foggy dream, but now Dean has to bear the consequences.

“Why me?” he shouts against the roof of his car.

A thought strikes him. This guy seemed fancy, with the suit and the vocabulary and everything. A law student. _Maybe…_

Maybe this Castiel has five grands lying around.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeks around the corner* Hey everyone! I'm so overwhelmed by all the sweet comments and kudos, so of course I kept working on this as promised.  
> I gotta get something out first: This is gonna be a long fic, I have soooo many ideas. The tags will probably change over the time. And maybe the summary and even the title will change after some time, cause what was supposed to be a one-shot is turning into something big.
> 
> But now enough of me, read and enjoy, and let me know what you think <3
> 
> Warnings in the end notes

Dean develops some sort of paranoia about his pregnancy, including that avoiding this word - even in his own head - makes it less real. He constantly feels nauseous. It could be the stress, it could be imagination, but all he thinks about is that it's got to be this shit called "morning sickness". And then all the kids he's seeing on the streets. He heard about it, that if you're pregnant you see strollers everywhere, but all those chubby little pups with their big eyes and drool do nothing but mock him about being stupid enough to get himself knocked up.

Busy with suppressing his situation and fighting the urge to just drive away as far as humanly possible, it takes him two days to make the call. It's just as weird, awkward and nerve-wracking as he imagined, and the first thing he does when they hang up is to vomit. He didn't talk about the pregnancy on the phone because he’s got to do this in person, and pretending to be calm, acting like there isn't a heavy cloud shadowing over him is too much for his stomach to handle. But Castiel agrees to meet him for coffee on that very same day and that brings Dean one step closer to finally solving this problem.

When Dean arrives at the address Castiel sent him, the alpha already stands in front of a small café. He looks like he just came out of his office on Wall Street; suit, briefcase and everything. Only his hair looks more like he had some real fun in bed last night.

_ Okay, stop that train of thoughts right here and now. _

Of course Dean remembered how the guy who knocked him up looks like, who wouldn't? But he somehow tried to repress just how  _ hot _ Castiel is, even in this ridiculously grown-up appearance.

_ Get yourself together, man! _

"Hey," he says, waving with one hand, the other buried in the front pocket of his jeans. He's actually gripping the fabric of the pocket really tight, almost ripping it, to ground himself.

"Hello," Castiel greets equally awkward.

They stand far apart. Far enough, actually, that an old lady has no problem at all to walk with her rollator in between them. There is only the chirp of crickets missing or the scenery would be perfectly stereotyped.

Clearing his throat, Dean takes the lead and opens the door for the alpha, who blinks and looks in confusion for a moment before he gets the hint and walks into the coffee shop.

"You look good," Castiel says when they wait in line.

Dean blushes and pretends to read the board over the counter. "Oh, thanks. You, ehm, you look good too."

"Thank you."

It's awkward and pathetic and Dean is pretty sure that the other man notices it too. When a tall, lanky guy behind the counter asks the for their order, he almost expects Castiel to choose something fancy like decaf or soy milk, but just like himself, the student is rooting for black coffee.

"To go?" lanky-guy asks.

Quick like a shot, Dean answers "yes", shouting so loudly that even the hipsters in the dark corner can hear him, but he doesn't care. If he's going to blow the baby bomb, he's not going to do it in front of art students and wannabe-business-guys. "I just thought... it's nice outside. A bit cold, but sunny, so we could walk around a bit," he adds, turned to Castiel, who nods.

The alpha leads the way and Dean just follows, one block then another, until they arrive at a park. The whole time, he makes sure to keep pace with Castiel, even unconsciously syncing their steps, but always with at least an arms length between them. At first, they don't talk at all but after a while the law student breaks the awkward silence with just as awkward small talk about the weather, traffic, and how the coffee tastes. Dean just goes with it, asks questions about Castiel's classes and answers those about his own pastime the last weeks. To an outsider, they may look like friends from college casually drinking coffee in between economics and philosophy classes.

The omega feels a bit uncomfortable as Castiel is obviously trying hard to make conversation, asking questions to get to know him better. Of course he does, because the alpha must think this is a date, and even if Dean should hate him for knocking him up and being an alpha in general he also feels guilty for not telling him the reason for their encounter right away.

Instead, he sips his coffee in slow-motion, making sure that he has something to occupy himself with for as long as possible and not even bothering that the drink is cold and Castiel has thrown his cup away already. But at some point, Dean has to admit that prolonging won't make it any easier and when they pass a somewhat secluded bench, he stops.

Castiel walks a few more steps until he notices and turns around. "You want to sit down?"

"Actually, yes," Dean says.

The dark-haired alpha wipes a few crumbs of dirt away from the bench and motions for Dean to sit down. He needs a few moments and breathes slowly, sorting his thoughts in his head. This is it, his entire future stands and falls with this conversation. If Castiel says no, if Dean is left behind without the five thousand dollars, his only options is to go back home to his father. And he knows that he wouldn't get away as easily a second time.

So he breathes and closes a fist around the pregnancy test in his pocket.

"You know, I never thought you would call."

Dean looks up to see Castiel stare ahead. Apparently he spent so much time getting a hold of his nerves that the alpha felt the urge to talk.

"Not even when I left the note for you. But I had to, I..." Castiel pauses and chuckles softly. It's probably the first time Dean sees him smile. Without tearing his gaze away from whatever catches his eyes, the dark-haired man continues. "It wasn't at all how I expected the night to turn out when I went to that bar. I didn't even wanted to go, but some of my fellow students wanted to drink on the first week of autumn term being over. They left me alone at the bar pretty early though."

"So you decided to help the omega in distress," Dean playfully counters.

"Yes, in a way. I noticed your smell when you got a drink and then... I'm sorry, this must sound inappropriate, but I couldn't get your smell out of my head. And when I noticed that you had trouble with those alphas, I just wanted to help." Castiel blushes and looks down as if he's ashamed.

"Thanks," Dean answers quietly.

"I don't even know why I followed you outside, out of instinct I guess, but when you crowded me against that wall and... I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry, I am really not a person to jump other people. I am very sorry for molesting you."

That makes Dean laugh out loud. "Molesting? Dude, I had it coming with how I played you. And I didn't exactly fight it, right? I could have if I wanted."

Castiel sighs and his muscles seem to relax. "That's good to hear. I wouldn't have wanted my first time to be non-consenting in any way."

Dean chokes on the last sip of his now iced coffee. "Wait...  _ what _ ? That was your first time? With a guy? With an omega? Or... in general?"

"In general."

_ Holy shit. Well, now he's really up for a surprise. _

"It was good.  _ Very _ good," Castiel continues quickly and looks at Dean for the first time since they sat down. "But..." He takes a breath and squares his shoulders. "I got to get this out. I don't think we should continue this. I never thought you would call back and then you did and I was... slightly overwhelmed with the situation. I should've said no, so I'm doing it now. We really shouldn't do what we did that night. And I can't continue. I'm sorry that I raised false hopes by meeting you again."

Dean is taken aback and stands up. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. I... I didn't call you because I wanted to fuck again. You can relax, you're not hurting my feelings here or anything."

Tilting his head to the side and frowning, Castiel looks up at the omega in front of him. "Then why did you call me?"

_ Okay, this is it... _

Dean feels his pulse quickening, his hands shaking, and his ears ringing. It's only one simple word, but the meaning behind it makes it almost impossible to get it over his lips. He can't even swallow around the lump in his throat, like there is only one way out now.

"I'm pregnant."

They're in a park, open space and everything, so it's impossible to hear the words echoing, but Dean still feels like they hit him from everywhere around, again and again. It's all in his head though, lacing him in like a corset, and the panic rises. Because Castiel hasn't said a word yet. In fact, the alpha doesn't do anything, not talking or blinking, Dean isn't even sure the man is still breathing. He just stares up to the sky.

"Did you hear me?" Dean asks. "I'm  _ pregnant! _ "

At least this evokes eye-contact, but nothing else. It makes him furious. How can the guy be so calm? Or is it just a mask? Is he screaming inside? Is he crying or laughing or just simply confused? Whatever it is, Dean's going crazy with not knowing.

"Castiel!" He tries again, snipping his fingers in front of the other man's face.

"Yes," comes a slow, quiet answer, "I heard you."

"Good. So, got anything to say? Or ask? Before you ask if it's yours, yes it is."

Castiel swallows, but speaks just as calmly as before. "I thought as much."

Dean runs his hands through his hair and sighs. "Come on man! You gotta say something? Wanna know if I'm sure?" He throws the pregnancy test into Castiel's lap, who grabs it after a moment of just staring at it.

Just then does Dean realize how much the other man's hands are shaking. They are literally clutching to that small piece of plastic like it's a lifeline. He feels guilty and breathes in deeply to calm down. It's not fair to just throw this bomb at the guy's face and expect him to talk.

"Look, I know that this is... well...  _ a lot _ right now. Believe me, I didn't handle it well when I found out. I shouldn't have let you fuck me in the first place, I broke a rule with it, but I gotta say it wasn't bad. I should've definitely asked you to use a condom and stopped you before you knotted me. And I shouldn't have trusted those birth control pills from the street. Turns out they're worth shit." He sits down again next to Castiel, closer this time. "I made some bad decisions that night and now I have a bun in the oven and no money to get rid of it."

The alpha's head snaps up and his eyes widen. "You... you need money for an abortion?"

Dean nods. "I can't go to an official place. It's a long story, but that's just not an option. And the corrupt clinics take five grands. That's... that's why I called you, okay? I don't have that much money, not anywhere near. I thought that you could maybe help. Takes two to make a kid."

Wow, everything is on the table now, and Dean feels both relieved and scared. The questions that are still open now are whether Castiel’s got the money and if he's gonna pay for the clinic.

The silence that follows Dean's confession drags on longer than the omega would like, but he's patient and gives the other man time to process everything that just happened. After over five minutes of not a single word being spoken, though, he dares to ask bluntly.

"Will you help me?"

Castiel stands up and for a brief moment Dean fears the alpha might run away. But he just walks up and down on the gravel path, always staying in front of the bench. His breathing is audible and his hands are still fumbling with the pregnancy test, but eventually, he stops and turns to Dean.

"I want to help."

It's like all the air in Dean's lungs escape in that moment. He can't remember when he last felt this relieved. "Oh god, I hoped you'd say that. I gotta say, I was so nervous."

"I just can't help right now," Castiel continues, stepping closer to Dean.

The omega feels his heart sink a bit, but he tries to remind himself that this is okay, it's not like people run around with five thousand dollars cash in their pockets. And that's exactly what he tells Castiel.

"I got to go now or I'm going to be late for class." The alpha kneels down in the dirt while he speaks, to be at eye-level with Dean. "But I promise I will help. I will call you as soon as I can." He lays a hand on the omega's knee and although Dean feels like pulling away, he resists the urge. "Please, Dean, if there is something else you need help with until then,  _ anything _ , call me."

"Uh, sure," the dark-blond man isn't exactly comfortable with how close they are, but he is tempted to trust Castiel, to trust that this misery is going to be over soon.

The alpha stands up again and wipes the dirt from his slacks. He grabs for his briefcase and stares at Dean for another moment. "Can I keep this?" he asks and holds up the pregnancy test.

Dean squints his eyes but nods. "Yeah, sure, if a piece of plastic that I peed on brings you joy. Wait... this isn't something kinky, right?"

The way the law student tilts his head is enough of an answer. "Okay, okay, just forget it. Go and get to your fancy ass class. Just... remember to call me."

"I promise I will."

 

And he does. Not that Dean would've expected Castiel to bail on him - the guy seems to have a mighty need to help - but when he is tossing and turning in his car that night and his phone lights up with Castiel's number on the screen, he is still glad. The alpha has the resources to help - Castiel's words, not Dean's - and invites him over to his place for friday afternoon. Friday is good; two days, 48 hours... if he wasn't so tired, he might even calculate the minutes, but with less weight on his shoulders than he had in weeks, Dean falls asleep easily this night.

He tries to spend Thursday as normal as possible, by his standards, and stays out of trouble to not end up with a black eye. The only thing he doesn't deny himself is flirting and eventually making out with the shy waitress in a diner to get his stomach full of pancakes and waffles for free. Swiping her tip jar makes him feel guilty for a moment, but  that way, he can finally buy a new blanket that is way thicker than his old one and will hopefully help in the frosty nights coming ahead. Sally must be a lovely girl if she got that much tip out of serving waffles and coffee.

From google maps, Dean already knows that he's heading towards a damn nice neighborhood on Friday. Street view didn't show him much of the houses, but gives him a general impression and just from that, five grands probably look like peanuts to Castiel. He isn't disappointed when he arrives at the address, and even does a double take to be sure he's at the right place, because a two-story, colonial style residence with a front yard bigger than the whole property he grew up on isn't exactly what he would've expected from a student. But then again, which student runs around dressed like a forty-year-old manager?

Even the doorbell sounds expensive and Dean feels the urge to straighten himself and brush off every last bit of dirt or dust from his clothes to look decent in presence of this house.

Castiel opens the door and smiles a bit reserved before he shakes Dean's hand for greeting and motions for him to come inside.

"Hello Dean, I'm glad you found the way."

"Sure thing," Dean says, handing over his leather jacket when the alpha reaches out his hand, "It's not like this place is easy to oversee."

He takes in his surrounding. It's clean and spacious and definitely not DIY. And he's only standing in the entrance hall.

_ Damn, how can he afford to already live in a house like this? _

Once Dean followed Castiel into what turns out to be a two-story living room with fireplace and everything, he wants to punch himself for being so stupid. The mistake in his thought was that the alpha isn't  _ already _ living in a house like this, but  _ still _ .

"Hello, my name is Naomi, I'm Castiel's mother," a brunette woman says as she steps closer to him.  _ Oh shit _ .

With a bit delay, Dean answers and introduces himself, shaking the offered hand. His instinct tells him to run fast and far, especially when he realizes that the short woman with her everlasting smile isn't the only person that awaits him in the room. The guy who stands up from a big, comfy looking armchair radiates authority like a nuclear reactor and Dean's alpha Geiger counter spikes with the scent that fills the air. But it's not aggressive and the man's casual smile lets Dean stay calm enough to shake his hand too.

"I'm Michael, the older brother."

"Uhm, hello."

Awkward silence builds between the adults and Dean starts fidgeting with his hands, not knowing what to say or do.

"You probably didn't expect us to be here," Naomi says, "but when my son told us about you and the...  _ situation _ , we wanted to meet you." She motions to the various chairs and sofas in the room. "Please, sit down. Would you like something to drink? Water or juice? We have soda too."

Feeling observed, he takes a seat and looks up to two alphas and a mother looking down on him. Their facial expressions are calm, their posture not as arrogant as Dean would've imagined, so he makes the decision to let the urge to run and flee down. Castiel told him he would help, answering some questions isn't going to kill him.

"Water is fine, thanks."

Naomi is apparently pleased with the answer and fills a glass at a nearby serving cart for him. "There you go."

Eventually, the other three persons sit down too and being at eye-level with them again helps Dean to calm down. He tries to catch Castiel's eye, but the alpha keeps his gaze mostly down on his lap, so he speaks up to catch the other man's attention.

"So... you told them everything? I don't need to explain the situation?" he asks and tightens the grip on his glass to let the cold soothe him.

It's not Castiel who answers, though, but Michael. "We know about the pregnancy, and also about the five thousand dollars you need for an abortion." The dark-haired alpha's stare is intense and Dean fights against the urge to look down. "I don't doubt the validity of the pregnancy test you gave Castiel, it would be easy to test this, but what really interests me, is how sure you are that he is the father."

Dean chokes on his water and Naomi hands him a tissue. "Please excuse my son, but we were quite surprised by this news and a bit of reassurance would be helpful."

"No, no, it's okay, I... I totally understand that you need to know if I'm not someone who just wants the rich kid to pay for another guy's mistake. I get it. And I am sure. That Castiel is the one who got me pregnant, I mean. I... I didn't have...  _ that _ kind of sex in a while. Not beside that one night with Castiel. And I usually don't sleep with alphas anyway, so..."

He doesn't go into detail any further and looking at the others’ expressions, he doesn't need to. Castiel just looks down at his lap, Naomi has her legs crossed and her face twitches between smiling and obvious discomfort. Michael isn't even trying to hide his disapproval, one eyebrow raised, but Dean can deal with that.

"I see," the older alpha starts. He takes a sip from his own glass and leans back in his seat. "Now that we cleared that up, I guess it's time to talk about how to solve this problem. I'm not going to hide that I have a problem with the plan of getting an illegal abortion. But I guess you have your reason not to ask for your alpha’s permission, who is probably your father since I can't see a mating bite."

Dean swallows. This is a topic that he would very much like to avoid and just the thought of his dad makes him shiver. "I rather not talk about that."

"And we won't pressure you," Naomi says, putting on a fond and gentle smile again.

Dean isn't sure that Michael agrees with his mother's statement, but the alpha makes no move to ask any further. "We're not here to judge you for your decision, but to find a solution. After Castiel met you on Wednesday and consulted us we decided to help you. It is in no one's interest that you run around the streets being pregnant with his child."

The omega held his breath the whole time Michael spoke and exhales with relief when he hears the last part. But before he has the chance to open his mouth and say anything, he hears a door opening and closing and steps coming their way.

"Hey, we're back. They didn't have any - " The red-headed woman standing in the doorway to the living room stops dead in her track when she sees Dean. "I didn't know we have a guest, I... oh, are you  _ Dean _ ?"

The omega looks confused between her and the other persons in the room. Really, why does everyone here knows his name?

She walks the short distance and is in front of him in an instant, shaking his hand excitedly. "I'm Anna, Michael's wife. And this is Jacob, our son."

Just then does Dean realize the little boy trotting behind his mother. He's got to be around four or five years old, with short brown hair and chubby cheeks.

"Anna, please. This is important," Michael says slightly irritated.

The young woman turns to her mate and kisses him. "Of course, sorry. I will take Jacob upstairs and leave you alone."

"Actually, no. Now that you're here, you can start preparing dinner," Naomi says, then turns to Dean. "Would you like to eat with us? I know that this issue is urgent, but I promise there will still be enough time to discuss everything later."

Everyone stands up, but Dean remains seated, completely overwhelmed with the situation he just got thrown in. He came to this house to see Castiel, get the cash and then leave again. Now he sits in a fancy armchair in a big ass house and listens to the whole Novak family discussing Friday's dinner. At least four pairs of eyes are on him right now, waiting for an answer, and although Dean is more than uncomfortable with this situation, he also knows that years of living in his car have taught him to never waste the opportunity of a free meal.

"Yeah, sure, that'd be nice."

And that's how Dean finds himself in the kitchen of a family he didn't know until that afternoon, helps with chopping, roasting and cooking. At first it feels weird how Anna and Naomi seem to integrate him into their process so naturally and for a short moment he even feels hurt that the women simply assumed he as an omega will help in the kitchen. But if he's honest with himself, it also feels good to have something to do and just forget about the big, overshadowing crisis for some time.

Castiel and his brother are nowhere to be seen until they all gather around the table, where Dean also meets the last member of the Novak family, Castiel's other older brother Luke, who apparently lives in the basement and has been there the whole time he’s been in this house now. Luke is a tall, blond guy and Dean isn't sure how to describe him other than leery. Their eyes meet a few times across the table and it gives Dean a chill.

But other than that, it's a surprisingly uncomplicated and comfortable meal. The topic of his pregnancy is off the table for now, probably because of the five year old Jacob, who has a lot of fun making faces at Dean. The omega doesn't even scrunch his nose when everyone prays before they dig into their food. He just stays quiet and lowers his head like the others do. Religion is an overvalued concept to him, but he really isn't someone to judge this family for their faith.

He helps clearing the table once everyone has finished eating and joins Anna in the kitchen to put everything in the dishwasher.

"Dean, do you know where you're going to stay this night?" Naomi asks when she hands him the last plate from the dining room.

Dean swallows and nervously fidgets with his hands. "Oh, well... I - "

"We already know that you have no fix home," Anna adds and rests a hand on his shoulder.

"I sleep in my car at the moment. I had a room when I worked on a farm until last month, but since I came to Chicago..."

"Would you like to stay here for the night?"

He looks up to see both women smile at him.

"We have a guest room," Anna quickly adds. "It has a king-size and an own bathroom. You could come down and rest a bit and we discuss everything else tomorrow."

"She's right, I wouldn't sleep well knowing you are out there in the cold," Naomi says.

Dean doesn't know what to say. This isn't how he imagined the day to turn out at all, and to be honest, he feels a bit nauseous and nervous again that he still doesn't hold the five thousand dollars in his hands. But he isn't stupid, and if someone offers him a warm place and a bed to sleep, he can't afford to say no. And no matter how much he hates alphas, this family has been nothing but kind to him so far.

So of course Dean says yes and stays the night. Anna shows him the guest room, only a few steps away from the kitchen, and it blows his mind. It has the biggest, most comfy looking bed he's seen in years, and when the female omega leaves him alone to get comfortable, he doesn't even dare at first to touch anything in the room.

The furniture is carefully picked, the color of the sheets is the same as the rug and the curtains. Dean almost misses little chocolates on his pillow. After a few minutes of simply staring and coming to terms with the reality of his surrounding, he inspects the bathroom and takes advantage of the walk-in-shower, staying under the hot spray until his skin is all pruney. Anna has been so nice to give him a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, so he can slip into fresh, soft clothes before he climbs under the duvet.

There he lies, the light turned off and curtains closed, and tries to fall asleep. But he can't. Not only because it's only around nine p.m. and he's usually still wide awake at this time of day, but also because his heart is racing, his hands shaking with the memory of the day coming back to him. It felt good, to cook with Anna and Naomi, to sit at a proper dining table in a proper dining room and ask other people to hand him the bread. I felt so good he could cry, because the last time he had something like this feels like a fogged, distant memory of better times.

There's a knock on the door and Dean needs a moment to blink the forming tears away and clear his throat before he asks whoever is standing outside to come in.

Castiel's dark mob of hair peeks around the door, surrounded by the light of the hallway.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

Dean sits up in the bed and turns on the bedside lamp. "No, you didn't."

"I just wanted to make sure you have everything you need." The alpha doesn't open the door more than a few inches.

"Yeah, thanks, I'm fine."

After a short moment of simply staring into each other's eyes, Castiel nods. "Good. I'll see you tomorrow then. Good night, Dean."

"Goodnight Cas."

The door closes again and Dean turns out the light, leaving him in complete darkness. He falls back into the pillow and starts counting sheep to eventually fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> \- talk about abortion
> 
> You gotta thank the fabulous [elisa_anya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elisa_anya) for getting chapter 2 so "early", cause she always pushed me into the right direction of writing (very lovingly of course) and made sure to find many of my mistakes. Really, go check out her stuff if you want something to read while waiting for the next chapter.
> 
> sorry if nothing really happened in this chapter yet, believe me, this is gonna change soon ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, your eyes aren't deceiving you, I really have another chapter finished already. I don't even know how that happened today, but I just felt like it. Thanks and kisses to the wonderful [elisa_anya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elisa_anya) again for being my second pair of eyes even when she should be writing on her own stuff <3
> 
> I hope you have/had a lovely Sunday and enjoy this chapter.
> 
> Warnings in the end notes.

7:28. Dean stares at the alarm clock until the eight turns nine. _Ten hours. I slept for ten fucking hours!_

He turns around to lie on his back and sighs. There’s a tiny spider scuttling along the ceiling lamp, searching for the right spot to start it’s web and Dean follows the trail with his eyes. He feels incredibly warm, wrapped in soft blankets, and has no idea what to do next. He can’t just stand up and walk around this strange house, at least not as long there aren’t any voices from outside the door. So he waits for someone to call him.

Castiel knocks on his door barely over half an hour later. “Dean, are you awake?”

The omega rubs the sleep out of his eyes and stands up to open the door. “Yeah. Good morning.”

“Good morning.” Castiel answers. He already looks like he’s going to work soon, with slack, shirt and a hideously conservative pullover over it. “Breakfast is ready. Would you like to join us?”

Dean just nods and looks down at himself. Compared to the alpha, he looks ridiculous, the t-shirt a bit on the tighter side on him, while the sweats hang a bit loosely around his hips.

“There’s a bath robe in the wardrobe. We’re in the dining room when you’re ready.” With that he turns around and walks away.

Dean feels a bit out of place when he joins the family for breakfast. Even little Jacob is already dressed neatly and is surprisingly good at eating with fork and knife for a five year old. The omega stands in the doorway for a few moments before Anna motions for him to sit down next to her. In contrast to dinner the night before, this meal is rather quiet and the subtle tensions makes Dean nervous. The pancakes, however, taste amazing and he can barely hold back a moan.

When the women clear the table, he quickly gets some clothing from his car to look at least a bit decent. It isn’t easy to find any fresh clothes in the trunk of his car, but shaking out a hoodie seems to work. Back in the house, Michael immediately calls him into the living room where he is again greeted by Naomi and Castiel. It feels like a flashback to the day before but this time he’s at least prepared. And he wants to finish the business before he starts feeling comfortable in this house.

“Sit down, Dean.” The older alpha’s tone is not so friendly anymore, but Naomi and Castiel still smile and it helps Dean to not freak out. He sits down on he same armchair he sat in yesterday and looks between the other people.

“Okay, honestly, I don’t know why we have to talk again. I thought the situation is clear and we all want the same here,” he says and laughs nervously.

“Castiel promised you he’d help. And we agree on that. But…,” Naomi sits on the very edge of her seat now and looks deep into Dean’s eyes while she speaks, “An abortion, that’s just not an option.”

A bit confused, Dean looks at Castiel then at Michael and back at Naomi. “I… I don’t understand. How am I supposed to get rid of that thing if not with an abortion?”

The brunette woman rests on hand on his knee. “It is absolutely understandable that you are scared, and confused, but killing your pup is not the right way.”

Slowly, Dean’s heart starts to race. Something is going on here and it’s bad, _really_ bad. “What… what is happening right now? I thought this “meeting” is about giving me the money for an abortion, so what’s with all this crap about killing kids?”

Naomi sighs and leans back. “It wasn’t right of us to make you think we would give you the money. I’m sorry, Dean, that was my idea. I feared you might close up and wouldn’t be open for our arguments, so I wanted you to eat with us, to stay here, and see what a nice family we are.”

His breathing synchronizes with his racing heart and his hands starts to tremble. Dean knows what she means, what the underlying message of her talk is, but his brain refuses to put it into words. He opens his mouth but closes it again right away.

“You got to understand that it is wrong,” Naomi almost pleads.

“So… you’re saying… you won’t give me the money.”

“No,” Michael says.

Dean feels sick, he feels like he may through up any minute. He stands up but the surrounding blurs in front of his eyes and he has to sit down again before he blacks out. Naomi is up and gets him a glass of water immediately, Castiel is at his side in an instant too and holds his arm in case he might faint.

“Calm down, Dean,” the alpha says, handing him the glass from his mother. “Breathe.”

Everything in Dean’s mind refuses to do as the student tells him, but his body reminds him that air is an essential thing to keep living. With his eyes closed, blocking out the others for a moment, he breathes in deeply, then out and in again. When he opens his eyes again, Castiel, Naomi and Michael are still there and the problem is still the same. They won’t give him the money.

“You can’t mean that,” he rasps, “You can’t want me to be running around with a bastard kid conceived on the backseat of a car after a bar fight.” Dean knows that he sounds desperate and he doesn’t even care.

There’s an intake of breath and someone huffing. “Of course not,” Michael says, “but the only right thing to do now is taking responsibility for your actions.”

“It’s not the pup’s fault that their parents made poor decisions, Dean. That’s not how god intended it, but we have to deal with it now,” Naomi adds.

Dean can’t help but laugh at that, it’s too surreal. “You’re kidding me, right?” Looking into the faces of the others tells him they’re not. “Seriously? God? That’s what this is about?”

“I take it you don’t believe in the Lord,” Michael states bored.

“If you don’t mean the Lord of the Rings, then no.”

“Dean, it’s your decision to risk your soul by living in sin, but don’t make fun of us.”

He can’t believe that this is happening. They can’t mean it, right? “Cas, come on, man, you can’t really want me to keep this thing.” His eyes are filling with tears and despite his hate to show weakness, his disgust at himself for letting those people see how desperate he is, he can’t hold it back. Someone’s got to be kidding him.

Castiel stays cold, even though his face reveals that he has at least a bit of compassion with Dean. “Would you kill a child, Dean? No, you wouldn’t. Fetal life isn’t mere biochemistry, the pup that is growing inside you is a creature of god, it has a right to live.”

Dean pats Cas’ hand away that is lying on his knee now. He feels sick being touched by the guy who got him into this situation and now refuses to help resolve the problem. “You are fucking crazy! All of you!” He stands up and walks up and down in front of the fireplace. “I don’t give a fuck about your church and your religion! They never cared about me, so why should I follow their outdated rules? Rules made by _men_ , by the way, not by some higher entity, but by guys with a complex, guys hooked on power.”

“Protecting an unborn pup has nothing to do with power,” Michael says and gets himself a drink from the serving cart. Dean watches how he sits down again and crosses his legs, totally cool and comfortable the whole time they talk. Taking a sip from his glass, the alpha continues. “But I see that you won’t take any arguments from a religious point of view, no matter how logical they are, so why don’t we talk about medical arguments, huh? Did you know that a human being has 46 chromosomes, 23 come from each sperm and egg. A geneticist can easily distinguish between the DNA of an embryo and that of sperm and egg, but not between the DNA of a developing embryo and a full-grown human being.”

“What the - ” Dean starts but doesn’t get to finish his sentence because Michael continues.

“Or what about we see it from the other way around for once? The cessation of heartbeat is one way to define death. Could that mean the onset of a heartbeat defines life? Did you know that the heart of a fetus is formed by the eighteenth day in the womb? Now tell me Dean, do you consider the pup growing in your womb a living human being or not?”

For a long time, Dean doesn’t say anything, his mind is to busy processing what he just heard. They are really accusing him of murder. “I… of course I think that… but it doesn’t change anything that I can’t care for a child… I _can’t_. I live on the street! In a car! How is that better for a child? Yes, I don’t want it, I want it to be gone as soon as possible, but it’s not only about me. I’m not a father, I have nothing!” The first tear is rolling down his face, not out of sadness but of anger. Those hypocrites, saying the kid has a right to live, but how the hell would his situation ever be called suitable for a child?

“You’re right, it’s not an environment I would want my grandchild to grow up in,” Naomi says slowly, “But like we said. We want to help.”

“But how?” Dean yells, slamming the glass of water he still held in his hand down on the mantel. “How are you gonna help me if not paying for an abortion?”

Three pairs of eyes are on him and Dean feels like he’s missing the punchline of a very bad joke. They just keep staring until Castiel stands up, takes a deep breath, and approaches him slowly. By the way the alpha’s hands twitch at his sides and his expression shifts between nervous and determined, Dean knows that whatever is coming ahead for him is nothing good.

“Dean, I promised that I would help. I am the one who brought you into this situation,” he clears his throat, “Sure, what we did was a sin, but it’s not our pup’s fault. I have to take responsibility now, _we_ have to take responsibility, and have to make sure that we do our best to make up for our mistakes. I want you to marry me, Dean, and to mate me. You will have a home, a safe place, and our pup will grow up in a loving environment. I promise to take care of you.”

The omega’s face twitches and he is about to start laughing. “This is a joke, right?” But watching how the other people in the room stay serious, don’t even as much as blink, tells him it’s anything but a joke. And there it is again, a panic attack rising inside him. Because by now he knows that it’s coming, recognizes the almost familiar trembling in his muscles, the sound of blood pumping in his ears. He has to press his teeth together, fearing that he might vomit here and now. Without being able to talk, without being able to even breathe properly, he runs. His vision blurs and the walls are coming closer, but the only thing he can focus on is getting out of this house. Now.

Thankfully, Dean had the keys to his Impala in his jeans pocket the whole time because there’s no way he would’ve remembered to take it with him in the mental state he currently is in. He grips the steering wheel hard when he sits down, simply staring ahead. But soon, shock turns into anger and he throws punch after punch at the dashboard and the wheel, feeling the pain in his hands but still keeping on. After that, anger turns into distress and he can’t hold back the tears anymore, sobbing until he hears a knock on the window of the passenger seat.

When he looks up, the last thing he wants to see is Castiel’s face. The alpha keeps knocking and gesturing until Dean unlocks the door for him. He doesn’t even know why he does it, he should just drive off and not turn back again.

“Can we talk?” Cas asks carefully.

“Didn’t we talk enough in there already?”

“Just you and me, Dean.”

The omega sighs and nods. It can’t possibly get worse anyway, so he can listen to some more of the guy’s stupid arguments.

Cas looks at him like one would look at a hurt puppy. “I didn’t want to overwhelm you. It just seemed right to let you in on the whole plan.”

“Oh, how nice of you, thanks, I appreciate that a lot,” Dean scoffs.

“Please, Dean. I’m serious.”

“I’m serious, too, Cas! How dare you tell me you want to help and then… then _propose_ to me? Are you nuts? Do you really think I have such a low self-esteem to throw myself at the guy who knocked me up?”

“I never meant to hurt your feelings. But you can’t just run away from the situation. You’re pregnant. From me. We have to find a solution, and mating is the right thing to do. Pups should grow up in a stable environment, a family. I have a family, and I want you to be part of it. We will raise the pup together and we - ”

“Whoa, stop it right here,” Dean interrupts him, “I can’t take any more of that duty crap and sins and morals. It’s not the right thing to do, Cas, it’s what your stupid church tells you is right. You don’t even want to be with me, you don’t _know_ me. How is that the best decision? Just give me the money and you will never see me again. Find yourself a pretty girl that likes your family and believes all that crap they talk about. You can’t really believe to become happy with me.”

“Doing what’s right will make me happy in the end.”

“Oh come on, now you’re just pathetic.” Dean can’t help but laugh at the things Cas says. Just like a trained dog, he repeats everything his master has told him.

Castiel, however, seems to get pretty angry at that. “Oh, and you are so much better, or what? Does it bring you so much bliss to doubt and hate and question everything and everyone you meet? I get it, you are free and independent and do what you want, not caring about any form of morals or rules. That’s why you have no problem at all with getting into bar fights, hustling pool and whatever else criminal activity you like to indulge in. But is that better? I don’t think so. I’m not weak because of my faith, Dean, the rules I follow give my life a meaning and order. So don’t act like I’m the pathetic one here.”

Dean didn’t expect the alpha to speak up like this and can only open and close his mouth again before Cas continues.

“You say ‘how dare you propose to me’ like I’ve been waiting my whole life to mate with a guy like you. This is not how it was supposed to be! I was never supposed to like men that way, but I do, and I sinned, and it got us in this situation. But at least I know when it’s time to take responsibility for my actions instead of running away. And killing an innocent pup is running away!”

The alpha pauses and breathes in deeply. Then he sighs and lets his head fall back. “Are you really so proud that you think mating and taking care of a pup is under your level? You think Anna is unhappy because she’s _just_ a wife and mother? It’s not less of a life than being a manager or doctor or lawyer. If anything, it’s worth more, because nothing is as important as family. Taking care of my mate would be more than a duty.”

 _Nothing is as important as family…_ Those words sound too familiar in Dean’s head and he has to swallow. Cas really got to him and now he’s angry at both the alpha and himself. He doesn’t know what to think anymore.

“Are you finished with your lecture?” he asks quietly.

Castiel brushes his hands through his hair and sighs. “Yes. Sorry, I didn’t mean to raise my voice.”

They stay quiet for a long time and raindrops start pattering against the windshield, at first just a few, then more and more until the sound of rain surrounds them completely.

“I need time to think,” Dean says eventually.

Almost as if he’s surprised by this statement, Castiel turns his head around and raises his eyebrows before he nods. “That is just fair.” He is about to open the door when he adds, “call me when you made up your mind. And don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything.”

Through the blur of the rain, Dean watches how the alpha runs back to the house and disappears behind the door. He finally starts the engine and drives off with a strange and uneasy feeling in his guts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> \- talk about abortion  
> \- anti-choice rhetoric
> 
>  
> 
> I have to say that researching arguments for the conversation between Dean and Cas' family was kinda stressing, I just hope they come across realistic.
> 
> I definitely won't be able to keep up the updating rhythm, but I'll do my best to not keep you wait too long.  
> Thanks for reading and all the sweet comments, you're really the best <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone <3
> 
> I'm back with another chapter and I hope you will like it :)

Dean didn’t think he’d ever be in the situation where he has to think about  _ accepting _ a proposal instead of proposing himself. He stays in Chicago but far away from any places where he might run into Cas. The first night he sleeps in his car again he can’t help but think of the soft mattress in the Novak guest room. When he picks the lock of the back door of a public swimming pool to take a shower, he curses the broken thermostat and poor water pressure now that he got to enjoy the amazing shower at Cas’ place. Dean wants to punch himself for still thinking of positive aspects of his stay with this family.

He’s angry; at Cas’ family for refusing to give him the money, for blindsiding him with their stupid arguments and their stupid “solution”, but he’s mostly angry at himself.  _ He _ let Cas fuck him,  _ he _ didn’t ask for a condom,  _ he _ didn’t stop the alpha from knotting him. So it’s also  _ his _ problem to bear the consequences, whatever they may be. But mating a complete stranger, a guy he only shared an orgasm with? Isn’t that too much of a punishment for one mistake?

It’s exactly what he ran away from at home, the prospect of being forced into a role that society wants him to take. His dad tried to reduce him to his gender so many times, but Dean got away, got to stay in charge of himself. Sure, he wouldn’t exactly call his life desirable or even acceptable, but between hunger, cold and a miserable life expectancy, the only thing that kept him sane was his autonomy. Though, to be honest, Cas’ words affected him. Deeply. So deeply even that dreams and wishes from deep down inside him threatened to bubble to the surface. Wishes made at a time and at a place where he had nothing to worry about, nothing to be afraid of. A family and a home, that’s always been his priority. Dean’s never been ambitious when it came to career or luxury, he’s a man who enjoys the simple things in life. What he always wanted was someone to need him, someone to take care of. He wanted to pass on the happier memories of his childhood, wanted to catch up on all those things he did miss. Yes, he always wanted a child, to be a dad, but that’d been at a time where he still thought he’d turn out to be an alpha. After his first heat and the disappointed and disgusted look in his father’s eyes, he shoved the dream away to never think of it again.

And still, here he is, lying on the backseat of his car and trying to sleep while all those memories rush over him like an ocean wave. He absentmindedly caresses his belly, for the first time realizing and accepting that there is something - no,  _ someone _ \- growing inside him. Someone who lives from the food he eats and the water he drinks.

_ Someone who needs me. _

Dean cries himself to sleep this night, because for the first time ever, he has no idea what he wants. Or maybe he does, but it scares him.

Cas doesn’t call him, which is good, because right now, Dean doesn’t know if he could handle another conversation. The alpha sends texts, though, asking Dean how he’s feeling if he’s eating well and get some sleep. One day, it’s even just a simple good morning and good night. Dean reads it all but doesn’t answer. It’s a nice gesture, although he isn’t quite sure if there’s any subtext in the messages. Is it meant to make him like the guy? Is it meant to lull him into some sort of comfortable security around the alpha? Or is Cas just kind and worries about him? The worst thing is, whatever it means, it works. Dean hates himself for liking the texts, for longing for the image of someone caring about him.

He keeps turning the tenuous possibilities in his head. Going back to his dad to get the abortion? Never. Having the baby on his own and keeping it? The thought is so stupid and ridiculous that he doesn’t even need to say no to it in his mind. Having the baby and giving it up for adoption? Dean actually thought about that possibility for some time. But then he remembered that it would mean he would be pregnant for nine whole months, out on the streets, sleeping in his car. No, that wouldn’t work. He wouldn’t even be able to find a job somewhere or to hustle pool. Scent neutralizing soap might cover his omega scent, but pregnant omegas smell so intense, he could never hope to hide it. And that would also rule out flirting with waitresses for food.

It’s Friday night, one week after he stepped into the Novak house for the first time, and it’s bitterly cold in his Baby. The new blanket only helps a bit but he has too little gas left to turn on the car and heat up the inside. Thinking isn’t an easy task with chattering teeth, but Dean still tries. Tries to focus on finding a solution - or better - making a decision. He knows that he has to at some point and the definitely pregnancy-related morning sickness he felt over the day reminded him of how urgent the topic is.

_ “Are you really so proud that you think mating and taking care of a pup is under your level?” _

_ “It’s not less of a life than being a manager or doctor or lawyer.” _

Could Cas be right? Could he be happy like that? Or if not happy, at least content with himself? Dean tries to push away his pride, his urge to go against alphas and rules and society that seems to be set in concrete. It’s hard not to think of it, but he tries to focus on pragmatic aspects. He’ll be off the street, have a home, and he won’t be alone anymore. Maybe he could make something out of his life, because if he’s honest, the plan to go out in the world and build a life on his own went down the drain. He could become someone with a purpose, with a goal, and maybe then he could even…

Dean has to swallow and his eyes are getting wet when he thinks of his little brother. That has always been the plan, to get away from his dad, build up a life, and then get Sammy. But that never happened and after three years he lost all hope that it ever will. The boy’s got to be in his last year of high school by now, probably still acing all of his classes. Dean wanted to build them a home, wanted to save money to send Sam to a college, but now they haven’t even talked in over two years.

_ “Nothing is as important as family…” _

Dean reaches for his phone. The text Cas sent him half an hour ago is still on his lock screen, saying goodnight and asking to keep warm. Taking a deep breath, Dean unlocks the phone and dials.

He parks his car in the driveway this time, not on the street like he did the week before. When Dean turns off the engine, he can see a lamp being switched on in one of the upper rooms, then another and after a few seconds the back door lights up too. He doesn’t exit his car, though, he just waits and grips to the steering wheel.

Castiel walks towards him with slow steps and after one last deep breath, one last time closing his eyes, Dean takes the courage to open the door to come the alpha’s way.

“Hey,” he whispers, looking anywhere but Cas’ face.

The dark-haired man smiles timidly. “Hey,” he whispers back.

Without any further comment, Cas takes the duffel Dean flung over his shoulder and walks back to the house. When they’re inside, he quietly closes the door and almost tiptoes down a short corridor to the guest room. He lets Dean enter first, then puts the duffel down and awkwardly stands in front of the bed. They stay silent while Dean lets his hands glide over the sheets, the sideboard and the small sofa at the foot of the king-size. Nothing has changed, but why would it in the one week he hasn’t been here?

“I already put a pair of sweats and a t-shirt in the drawer and turned up the thermostat a bit,” Castiel says, “there are fresh towels in the bathroom. If you need anything else - ”

“It’s fine, Cas,” Dean sighs, sitting down on the edge of the mattress. “Thanks,” he adds as an afterthought.

Nodding, the alpha steps backward until he reaches the door. “Oh, and Dean? Could you please stay here tomorrow morning until I get you? I would like to tell Michael and my mother first.”

“Sure.”

There’s another moment of silence before Dean turns around and looks Cas in the eyes for the first time that evening. “Goodnight, Cas,” he says.

“Goodnight, Dean.”

Just as quietly and carefully as they entered, Castiel closes the door behind himself and Dean can barely hear his steps as he walks away. With a grunt, he falls backward and stares up at the ceiling.

_ Here I am. _

The next morning comes and Dean needs a moment to remember where he is. After taking care of his full bladder, he crawls under the sheets again and waits, just like Cas has told him. It takes some time but eventually he can hear voices from the kitchen or dining room. He is sure that they talk about him when a female and a male person raise their voices and Dean sits up in his bed ready to face whatever is coming ahead. The knock on the door isn’t unexpected, neither is Cas’ head peeking around it.

“Good morning. Did you sleep well?”

Dean just nods as an answer, then stands up and takes the fluffy bathrobe out of the wardrobe to yet again make himself look presentable. “I guess the whole lot already gathered around the table?”

“They do.”

“And they know about me.”

Castiel simply nods and opens the door some more to let Dean pass him.

“Well, let’s do this then.”

Even though Dean is prepared this time to face the whole family, his heart is still racing. He tells himself time and again that it can’t possibly be worse than last week. They’re on the same page now - mostly at least - so it should be easier to bear their expressions. The whole family sits around the table when they enter the room. Anna, Naomi and even little Jacob stop eating once they see him. Michael and Luke don’t even bat an eye and continue their breakfast. Dean stands there for a moment and awkwardly watches the other people before Cas nudges him in the back and they take a seat. Naomi is up and brings him a plate immediately. They don’t talk for the whole time they sit at the table, no one’s making a comment or asking anything, not even Jacob. The five-year-old just munches his cereals and everyone acts like this is a regular breakfast in the Novak house.

This does change after they finish eating, though. Of course it does, and Dean nervously fidgets with his hands when he - yet again - sits in the armchair in the living room and has three pairs of eyes fixed on him.

“And you mean it? We want to be sure that this is what you want, your own decision,” Naomi says.

Dean nods, although he can’t help thinking that they know well it’s not his first choice. “I thought about it a lot. But I didn’t say yes yet. I said I’m considering it. What…,” he pauses for a moment, then looks at Castiel, “What would come next? I mean, in case I agree.”

The brunette woman is about to speak again, but Dean’s eyes bore into Cas’ so intensely that the alpha understands  _ he _ is supposed to give the answer.

“Well,” he says and clears his throat, “we would call the minister and organize a meeting for premarital counseling. This is compulsive in our church. It is meant for us to discuss everything that concerns our future life and how we both see ourselves and the other in our marriage.” After Dean nods in understanding, the alpha continues. “Then, of course, I would also like to make an appointment with a doctor. Just to make sure everything is alright with you and the pup. My mother and Anna also would like to take you out to buy clothing and other things you need. I… I guess you will need more than the things you have in your car.”

“That’s it?” Dean asks and looks at the others.

Michael puts down his cup of tea. “Of course this should all be handled… quickly. Intercourse before marriage and mating is not how it’s supposed to be, not how we handle it in our social circle. I can already smell the pregnancy on you, if only faintly and because I know about it, but we still should act quickly. You can probably cover it up for some time, which I would highly appreciate. A male omega is already… something we have to get used to. But I will not expose this family to more gossip.” After a short pause he adds, “If you decide to accept the proposal, you will become a part of this family and with that, you can be sure of my and the others’ protection against anyone from outside.”

“And I suppose you want me to decide now.”

Michael nods, so does Naomi. Cas just looks at him almost as frightened and nervous as Dean himself feels right now. The omega exhales, breathes in deeply again and runs his hands up and down his thighs a couple of times. He just has to say yes. If he does, the years of fear and loneliness, of hunger and cold, will be over. And he wants it to be over.

“Okay, let’s do it. I accept the proposal.”

He has barely spoken those words when everything seems to happen at once. In the next days, Dean has not a single minute to process all that comes crashing down on him. At first they go to a doctor, because apparently, doctors like to open their offices on a Saturday when a Novak calls. Cas insists that this is their first stop, to make sure he and the pup are healthy. Beside malnutrition and dehydration, everything seems to be fine with him. For further examination, of both himself and the baby, Dean has to give a blood sample, urine sample, and the doc makes some smears. He wouldn’t even be surprised by now if the doctor would ask for hair or semen. And even though Dean hates being under surveillance, he somehow regrets having asked Cas to wait outside. Beside the official attestation that he’s pregnant, he also gets a whole bunch of leaflets on pregnancy for males and a new appointment for in four weeks.

For the next stop, Cas drops him at a mall and drives off, so Dean is left to wait for Naomi and Anna. The two women spend hours picking out clothes for him he will apparently need in the future. Dean made the mistake to straightly go to the jeans and flannels before the other omegas each grab one of his arms and drag him into a department he never thought he’d set a foot in. Being dragged around and dressed up in slacks, shirts, and pullovers doesn’t only feel unfamiliar, it feels weird. But at least the clothes are clean and will keep him warmer than the stuff he has. If that’s what they want him to look like, so be it.

One of the women hands him a coat and Dean catches a glimpse of the price label. “Holy shit. Naomi, Anna, I really appreciate it, but don’t you think spending so much money on stuff that I won’t be able to wear for long is necessary?”

“When you don’t fit into those anymore, we come back and buy new ones. You still need clothes now,” Naomi says and shakes her had as if Dean’s argument is ridiculous.

Anna practically beams and clasps her hands together. “I’ve never seen maternity fashion for men. This is going to be so much fun!”

_ Well, yeah, at least one of us thinks that way. _

After the extensive shopping trip, they even take Dean to a hair salon. He’s glad about that stop because his hair definitely grew too long in the last time, but when the barber parts his hair and puts a whole bottle of product into it, he looks into the mirror with dislike. He will have to wash that stuff out before he goes to bed. Which he still does in the guest room, thankfully. He will have to deal with sleeping in one bed with Cas soon enough, so having a few days to himself is taking a bit of the pressure from his shoulders. He’s grateful in this point that the Novaks take their religion so seriously. Or, take  _ some _ aspects of their religion seriously, as he finds out in the service on Sunday.

Lying is a sin. Unless you lie to keep up the family’s reputation, apparently. Having a shit ton of money to make a generous donation to the church once in a while probably helps with the conscience and redemption too. Naomi and Michael insisted on him joining them for service so everyone can see the soon to be husband and mate of Castiel Novak. And for everyone who asks or doesn’t ask, they prepared a story of how Cas and he met that fits into their social status. According to the good Christians of this church, Dean is now a former student of domestic management from Lawrence, Kansas, who met Castiel on a trip to Chicago last year. They kept in contact through letters and emails, because they immediately knew their scents were compatible. Dean has to go through several introductions with people who just answer with “ooh” and “how sweet” and he hopes he won’t have to interact with them any further.

On Tuesday, Halloween, Dean helps Anna and Jacob with carving a pumpkin and decorating the porch. From the window in his room, he can see kids and families outside, going from door to door in their costumes. He slightly pats his still flat belly and sighs. Next year he will buy a costume too, even if his baby will only be a few months old then.

“Depending on what you are, I will find a Jack or Sally onesie,” he whispers to the pup.

It’s weird that since he decided to keep the baby, he not only accepted it but is somehow excited to have all the experiences that will come with being a dad. Or maybe it’s just the hormones.

The premarital counseling is held in a backroom of the church. Dean and Cas just sit there, don’t say a word, and wait for the pastor. Dean remembers him from Sunday, a tall, lanky beta with short brown hair and round glasses. In service, Dean was surprised to see that the pastor is quite young, although his sermon was definitely more on the traditional side.

“Good morning, Castiel,” he says and sits down behind his massive desk, “good morning, Dean.”

“Good morning, Pastor Jim,” Castiel answers and Dean repeats.

“So, let’s see what we have here,” the pastor sorts through some files while he speaks, “Your mother called me and asked for pre-marital counseling, that’s why we’re here, and also for an…  _ early _ date for the wedding. Before you say anything, I already know that this is an urgent topic and of course it’s safe with me. That applies to everything we discuss here, by the way. It is meant for you to develop an understanding of what you expect from the marriage and mating. I am just here to give you some hints on important things to discuss, to moderate the conversation, and to give tips and suggestions in case needed.”

At first, it is hard to say anything at all, and not only for Dean, because the question the pastor asks may be easy to answer for real couples, but they haven’t spent much together yet, so they don’t know each other at all. Who sleeps on which side of the bed? How do they spend their evenings? With easier questions like that, they simply decide to go with it as it comes, no need to decide here and now. There are some more difficult and pretty intimate things to discuss, though, and Dean feels uncomfortable with it.

“A healthy marriage also includes physical contact,” pastor Jim explains, “This doesn’t solely mean sexual intercourse, but it’s definitely an important part. I don’t have to ask if you already had sex because we know the answer, but I would like you to talk about how you expect it to be in the future. How many times would you want to have sex? What other forms of affection are important to you?”

Dean’s eyes widen and he nervously looks at the pastor and Cas. Does he really expect them to talk about something like that? While he is still somewhat shocked by the question, Cas seems to consider an answer and starts to talk not long after it.

“Well, I don’t expect you to be intimate with me for a fixed amount of times a week, but it’s definitely something important to me as it will ensure a healthy relationship. I leave it up to you if you want a schedule or do it spontaneously. As for other forms of affection… I will need some time to maybe explore what I like. I will definitely keep you informed on what is pleasant for me and what not.”

Laughing, Dean shakes his head in disbelief. Sure, he knew that he would have to sleep with Cas again once in a while, and it isn’t like he didn’t enjoy the one time they were together, but discussing this in front of a stranger is too much. “Yeah, okay, if you wanna have sex, just let me know. But isn’t that something to discuss in privacy?”

“This is a safe environment, Dean, and by experience, I know that most couples need a bit of guidance when discussing those delicate topics. But of course, it is up to you how we spend this appointment. If you want to stick to less intimate topics, that’s fine with me,” the pastor says.

It takes a bit of pressure from Dean, who wouldn’t have expected to get asked any of those questions anyway. They don’t have to discuss finances, because that topic is already settled, and some other things are postponed at Dean’s request. When they come to the question of how they see each other’s role in the marriage, though, even the omega is curious to hear the answer from his soon-to-be husband.

“I…” Castiel starts, “I have what you might call a traditional gender view. I want you to take care of our pup and you will definitely have to share tasks around the household with Anna But I know that you don’t like the thought of being just a stay-at-home omega, so if it doesn’t interfere with especially our pup, I’m open to discuss any of your ideas if you want to do something on the side.”

He can actually work with that answer, and it is less strict than Dean would’ve thought. After that, the questions get more specific, mostly to be postponed again out of not knowing each other well enough. As the last topic, pastor Jim wants them to talk about their background and Dean quickly stops him there. He really isn’t in the mood to talk about his parents and how they used to solve conflicts. Why is that even a thing they have to talk about?

They leave the office and walk to Cas’ car in silence, not even speaking a word on their way back home. And yes, Dean started calling this place his home, because soon enough he will be part of the family living there. They park in the garage that now also provides space for his baby and Castiel sighs when he turns off the engine.

“You still want to do this?”

Dean turns his head around and looks at the man he is going to marry - to  _ mate _ \- soon. “Yeah, let’s do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're gonna have a wedding and mating next chapter. Let me know what you think <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I hope you had a nice week so far and look forward to an equally nice weekend. <3
> 
> Like I promised, you're going to read Dean and Cas' wedding and mating this chapter, but prepare, it's not all fluffy.
> 
> Warnings in the end-notes.

The day before the wedding, at some time in the early afternoon, Dean is sitting on the window board seat in his room – no, the guest room – and stares outside when he hears a knock on the door. Castiel enters and awkwardly leans against the door frame for some time before Dean laughs. "Dude, I don’t bite," he says.

The dark-haired man closes the door behind him and joins Dean at the window. „I wanted to ask if you’d like to come upstairs.“

Dean squints his eyes. "Why?“

"My room… I mean,  _our_  room from tomorrow on, I just thought you might want to take a look, maybe already move some of your things there if it makes you feel better. Or maybe you need something to feel comfortable for tomorrow and we can go buy it.“ The alpha doesn’t look at him while he speaks like most of the time.

The omega noticed that Cas either stares at him – when he thinks Dean isn’t looking – or doesn’t look him in the eyes at all. It’s exhausting, but Dean also takes a bit of satisfaction out of the fact that the other man seems to struggle with their situation too. Then again, he would like nothing more than to punch the guy, because he has no right to make Dean feel sorry for him.

"Cas, I’m really not picky. We could live in this guest room and I wouldn’t mind.“

The alpha nods. „I know. Still… I thought you might want to see your new bedroom before you actually, well, sleep in it.“

Dean sighs. He knows the guy means well and it’s not like he’s not curious to see the room they’re going to share soon.

As they walk up the stairs, he realizes that he’s never been on the second floor. The guest room is downstairs, so ist he kitchen, living room and everything else that he needed so far. Most of the time, he is in his room anyway, when he’s not currently busy driving around town with Cas in his fancy BMW to get to doctors and counselors and whoever else they need to see. Besides that and the meals with the family, he spends his time binge-watching Netflix shows on the flatscreen in his room. It’s his damn right to use the merits of this house.

So, of course, it feels weird to walk down a corridor for the first time in a house he now calls his home. They pass door after door until they stop in front of Cas‘ room. If Dean remembers the structure of the building correctly, it’s got to be above the garage.

The inside looks… sparsely furnished. But thinking about it, it doesn’t even surprise the omega. The room has still the same organized, well cared for, and definitely highly expensive atmosphere like all of the other rooms in the house. And it’s huge. Besides an impressive four-poster bed, there is an equally impressive dark wood desk – probably mahogany or some other fancy material – shelves, a sofa plus armchair, and a flat-screen TV. What really catches Dean’s eye, though, ist he fish tank. Without saying anything, he walks towards it and watches the dozens of colorful fish, crawfish and snails swim or crawl their ways through the beautiful underwater world.

„I love fish. Animals in general, actually. It’s very soothing to sit in front of the tank and let my mind wander. I think I spend more time watching those little creatures than in front of the TV.,“ Cas says as he walks up beside Dean, smiling softly as he watches the hustle and bustle behind the glass.

Dean looks at the alpha and has to smile himself at how relaxed and  _happy_  he seems to be. Even his smell calms down and becomes somewhat salty and fresh. The omega hums quietly. This is the first bit of personal information he got from his soon-to-be husband.

„I like it,“ he says.

They move most of Dean’s stuff upstairs, not that it would’ve been much anyway. Only his clothes for the next day and his bathrobe remain in the wardrobe in the guest room. It feels weird to go to bed that night, in a room that he got used to over the last week and knowing that from tomorrow on, everything will change. He tries to calm his nerves, telling himself again and again that Cas seems to be a kind man, that he doesn’t have to be afraid. He always managed to deal with whatever life threw at him, even now, and he will handle it in the future too. He has to. Repeating those thoughts in his head helps him to calm down a bit, but it still takes him a good part of the night to finally fall asleep.

 

Dean wakes up tot he sound of his alarm clock. For a moment he thinks about throwing it against the wall and turning around again, but then it hits him. It’s Saturday, his wedding day. As in  _the day I’m going to marry and mate Cas._  He’s up on his feet in no time but immediately regrets jumping out of the bed when his vision blurs for a moment and he feels dizzy. Then he sighs, stretches his arms over his head and looks around. He has no plan what to do.

He wasn’t involved in the planning of this day. Anna asked him over a cup of coffee if he rather likes meat or turkey and Naomi showed him a flower bouquet because she apparently wanted him to praise her for her choice. But other than that, no one ever sat down with him to discuss anything.

Michael came to his room when Dean and Cas came back from the counseling, silently asked him to follow, and then the two of them drove to a tailor downtown. The car ride was not only awkward, it was bordering torture. The alpha didn’t even try to hide that he’d rather not drive around town with the man his little brother got pregnant on a one-night-stand. In that moment, Dean was a bit thankful for all the years of dealing with alphas who saw themselves superior to an „abomination“ like him, because it helped him stay cool while Michael’s scent radiated authority so much that Dean was tempted to open a window. And still, when they finished their silent and awkward shopping trip, he was glad to go back to his room. He would never admit it, but he made a small prayer that he wouldn’t have to be alone in a room with Michael that often in the future.

Cas was mostly absent. Other for dinner, their counseling and a few other occasions, Dean barely ever saw him. He quickly realized that the alpha has a very tight schedule with law school and apparently working in his brother’s law firm after classes. Not that Dean would complain about it, but it’s still weird to prepare for walking down the aisle towards a man he barely knows and barely sees over the day. Then again, the whole situation is weird and complicated, so Dean tells himself to just accept it.

Anna and Naomi are the first to come to his room this morning, both women smiling from ear to ear when they doll him up with product after product that has his hair look exactly the same as before but feels greasy. He endures it all until Naomi starts powdering his face. As soon as their gone, he tries to get the stuff off his nose and cheeks. After a few minutes, Luke comes to his room and helps him to dress. Dean doesn’t remember if they ever said more than a „hello“ or „goodbye“ to eah other, and that doesn’t change this day either. The blond alpha is quiet, a bit strange, and always to himself, sometimes cursing under his breath or rolling his eyes, but Dean can live with that. They will probably avoid each other most of the time anyway.

When they arrive at the church in separate cars, Dean takes a look around. Not that he would’ve expected a big crowd or excessive decoration, but it’s still more simple and plain than he would’ve thought a Novak wedding to look like. He can’t help but wonder if the family didn’t want any of their friends to attend this event or if the good people of this neighborhood didn’t like to come. Everyone probably knows that the story Naomi told them about how Cas met him is bullshit, but in circles like this, no one talks about it but smiles and nods.

Naomi, Luke, Anna, and Jacob already sit in the pews, Cas stands at the altar, and Dean outside the main room to wait for Michael to guide him down the aisle. Not exactly his first choice to walk next tot he alpha, but when Naomi carefully asked him if they should invite anyone of his family for the wedding, the mere thought of his dad being there made him sweat. So compared tot hat, Michael ist he better alternative. At least Dean doesn’t feel the constant urge to impress the guy.

It’s this moment of silence, Dean closes his eyes and takes one last deep breath.

_It’s gonna be alright._

He repeats those words like a mantra in his head. It’s going to be alright, it has to. He deserves it. Or maybe he doesn’t, but after all, he’s been through in the past years, he simply wants to have peace, he  _needs_  it.

Music is coming from somewhere close, someone playing the organ, and it jerks Dean from his thoughts. Michael is at his side and then they walk down the aisle, one step after another, towards Castiel. The alpha is sharply dressed, the suit accentuating his, how Dean gladly remembers, surprisingly toned body. Even his hair is tidy, which is definitely Naomi’s work, although how she managed to do so will probably forever stay a mystery. It makes Dean a bit sad because the tousled mop of hair somehow gave him a bit of comfort.

The closer they come, the more nervous Dean gets. He seems to walk in slow motion, although he wants nothing more than to get this done. He tries to concentrate on his breathing, on Pastor Jim and on the color of his robe. He counts the candles around them, tries to scent the flowers placed at the end of each row and thinks of the itching seam he can feel on his shoulder. Focusing on the surroundings helps him calm down and suddenly, he looks into the eyes of his soon-to-be husband.

As a silent greeting, Dean offers a tentative smile, which Cas returns after a moment of hesitation. The alpha still has a tense and stressed expression. Dean notices the beads of sweat on the other man’s forehead and can clearly smell the nervousness from two feet away. It’s not fair, he thinks. Cas isn’t allowed to have his breakdown here and openly show how much the situation stresses him, while Dean grins and bears it. It should be the other way round because except for having to share his bed, nothing is going to change fort he alpha.

Taking a deep breath, Dean shoves those thoughts away. He is just going to make himself miserable if he keeps mourning his fate.

 _I made my decision_.

He listens to the pastor’s welcoming and blessing. Well, he’s not listening too closely, because even though a wedding might be a nice way of celebrating for _real_ couples, it’s mostly just getting a church’s approval to go home and fuck. For Dean, it’s another necessary convention he has go through. The real thing, the thing that isn’t just a piece of paper, is still coming for him. He’s going to _mate_ Cas tonight.

Dean swallows. He didn’t expect to take it easy, but he also didn’t expect to freak out when the realization would hit him. It’s hard work to not let the others see his struggles, but Castiel still seems to notice. Standing only two feet away from him, the alpha frowns slightly and his nose twitches. Dean tries his best to get a hold of himself.

It takes a moment, in which he focuses on his surroundings again to distract his mind. Thankfully, Pastor Jim is still busy with his sermon about duties and some other crap that Dean doesn’t really follow. With his own body relaxing, the tension fades from Cas’ face as well.

It becomes quiet when the pastor ends his lecture and Dean could hear a pin drop in the spacious room of the church. But there’s only Cas’ and his own breathing.

The alpha opens his mouth then closes it before clearing his throat and trying again.

“I, Castiel, take thee, Dean, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge myself to you.”

The deep voice echoes around them and the tension is almost touchable. Seeing Cas’ worried expression and a low cough from the pastor makes Dean realize that he didn’t begin to speak himself. His voice is hoarse when he repeats the exact same words.

Rings get exchanged and then Pastor Jim officially announces them as husbands.

“You may now kiss.”

They just stare at each other for a moment – Dean can even see Cas’ Adam’s apple twitch – before they slowly lean forward. The alpha takes hold of Dean’s arm for balance and presses their mouths together. It’s a chaste kiss, dry and unemotional, but it serves the purpose and they are now married.

The reception is not much different from any other dinner he had with the Novaks so far, only this time, it’s a caterer serving them a three-course menu. Dean is glad that they don’t throw a party. Best man telling funny stories about their long happy relationship? The first dance to their song? They have none of that, so it would’ve been a pathetic party. It’s a deal, so Dean treats this dinner like business. It’s just a shame that he just can’t eat much because of his nerves; the filet mignon tastes amazing.

They eat and Naomi talks about how lovely Pastor Jim’s words have been but eventually, Michael sets his glass down and looks at Cas expectantly.

“I think it’s time for you to retreat.”

Anna and Naomi stop talking and an awkward silence drags across the table. Dean looks at Cas across from him who has his eyes still focused on his brother. Without saying a word, the alpha stands up from the table and brings his plate to the kitchen.

“Are you coming, Dean?” he asks, voice determined. It isn’t even really a question and with a bit of hesitation, Dean stands up and follows Cas.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he can see Anna smiling sympathetically at him. This feels so wrong. Everyone in the room – except for little Jacob – knows what’s going to happen upstairs. It makes Dean shiver.

Cas doesn’t say a word on their way to _their_ bedroom, neither does Dean. He fidgets with his wedding ring, which seems to get heavier the closer they come to the door. Inside, Cas straightly closes the curtains. The blankets on the bed are already folded back. Everything is ready for them to do it.

Still, they just awkwardly stand in the middle of the room for some time.

“Do you want me to get some leftovers? You didn’t eat much,” the alpha says.

Dean shakes his head. “No, thanks. I just… my stomach can’t handle it right now.”

Frowning and tilting his head, Cas stares at him. “You’re nervous,” he says matter-of-factly.

“Of course I’m nervous!” Dean scoffs.

The tension builds, and Dean has to take a few deep breaths. He starts walking around the room to get his nerves under control.

“Is there anything else I can get you to help relax?”

The omega laughs and shakes his head. “A bottle of Jack?” he asks, “Nothing I can’t do after that.”

“You know you’re pregnant Dean, you can’t drink alcohol.”

“A joke, Cas. It’s a joke.” Dean sighs.

Again, silence falls over them and Cas keeps standing beside the bed, fidgeting with the bedding.

“Ehm, do you want to undress, or should I do it for you?” he asks nervously.

“I can do that myself,” Dean answers and starts tucking at his bowtie. He watches how the other man nods and averts his eyes to keep playing with the blanket. Sighing, Dean lets the piece of fabric fall to the floor. “Come here,” he says, “You can help.”

Cas walks slowly towards him and even more slowly starts to undress him. First the jacket, neatly folding it over the backrest of the sofa, then the vest. Dean thinks about how not long ago, in another night, at another place, they were also trying to get each other’s clothes off. But it has been hurried back then, desperate, and now it’s not. Tonight, Dean has time to think while Cas unbuttons his shirt and opens his belt.

_Come on, you got this. You already slept with him, now you just gotta let him bite you at the right moment._

Dean starts undressing Cas too and soon, they stand in just their underwear in front of each other. He can smell a faint hint of what has been there the last time. But whatever bit of arousal might be between them gets overpowered by obvious nervousness. From both of them.

To take the edge off a bit, Dean leans forward and presses a kiss to Cas’ lips. It still feels weird and although the other man gets on board and they start making out, it lacks everything. There’s not a bit of the passion that Dean clearly remembers from last time.

“Lay down,” Cas whispers in between kisses.

The omega complies. He places a pillow in his back and tries to get comfortable sitting on the king-size.

Castiel stands at the foot of the bed and looks at him confused. “You have to turn around.”

Dean squints his eyes. “I like it better that way.”

The alpha firms his grip around one of the posts of the bed before he repeats slowly. “You have to turn around. Lay on your stomach.” This time it sounds like an order and it sends a shiver through Dean.

“No.”

Cas breathes loudly when he rounds the bed and stands next to him. “Dean, I’m not going to say it again.”

“Are you kidding me? No! I’m not gonna _present_!” Dean locks eyes with the other man and clenches his jaw. Cas is insane if he thinks Dean would just roll over and act like a needy little thing waiting to be mounted. That’s not going to happen.

“I’m not joking. Why would I? This is a _mating_ , Dean, you are supposed to present!” Cas is right in front of him, breathing heavily and his nose twitching.

Dean fights the urge to submit. He doesn’t look away, doesn’t want to give in first, but when the alpha moves and crawls onto the bed, he gets off on the other side.

“Dude, fuck off! I’m _not_ gonna present! Do I have to write it down for you?”

“You were in the same church as me today, right? You did say yes, huh? Dean, a mating is the essential part of a wedding, and the omega has to present to the alpha for mating!”

Dean laughs. He doubles over and laughs because if he doesn’t he might start to cry. This can’t be real, Cas can’t seriously expect him to do that.

“Are you serious? Just bite me! I don’t need to have my ass in the air for that!”

He moved to the desk and watches how the alpha sits on the edge of the mattress and looks at him with a mixture of anger and desperation.

“But it’s tradition,” Cas says after a while.

Dean huffs. “Yeah, right. Good old tradition. Maybe you also want me to run? So you can catch me out in the backyard and take me right then and there? It’s tradition, after all.” This is so ridiculous.

“No, of course not.” The alpha runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “But it will make it more comfortable when you’re on your stomach. When we’re tied together, I mean.”

Dean shakes his head. “Oh is that so? Because last time I had someone’s knot in my ass I was riding the guy and it turned out okay. Oh, yeah, I forgot, that was you!”

“It’s different in a mating. The knot lasts longer and – ”

“I had sex ed in school too, you know?”

They fall silent again. Dean starts turning the ring on his finger. He’s not sure right now that he will ever get used to it. Cas still sits in the same spot and watches him. It’s creepy, but it’s not making Dean as nervous as the fact that the alpha insists on doing it the old-fashioned way. Dean might have come to terms with sleeping with an alpha. Hell, he’s not even trying to tell himself anymore that he didn’t like the last time he and Cas fucked. But _presenting_? That is wrong on so many levels for him. Cas can’t possibly expect him to place enough trust in the other man to present.

“People can see it,” the alpha says, “If we are face to face and I bite you, the mark looks different.”

Dean’s head snaps up. “That’s the reason? Because people will _see_ it?”

“Dean, you don’t understand.”

The omega laughs. “Oh, believe me, I understand.” He moves closer, walks towards Cas until he stands right in front of him and looks down into his eyes. “You don’t want your family to see it. You don’t want them to know.” He positions his feet on both sides of Cas’ legs and leans down, speaking in his ear. “You don’t want them to know that you let an omega tell you what to do. That you like it.”

Dean smiles. He can smell Cas’ building arousal and his nervousness. The omega wouldn’t admit it, but he loves making the alpha feel like this, being in charge and playing with the dark-haired man. He can hear how Cas’ breathing hitches and see how he clenches his fists in the sheets.

“You don’t really want me to present. You like it when I’m on top. Like in my car,” he says and sits down on the other man’s lap. Dean starts nibbling at Cas jaw. This power over the alpha intoxicates him and he can’t get enough. “You aren’t dominant, Cas,” he whispers in his ear, “I bet you’d even let me fuck you.”

Suddenly, Dean falls backward. Cas stands up and throws him off his lap. The omega lands on the floor and looks up into the eyes of his husband with confusion. The alpha stands over him and pants, his fists clenched at his sides. His whole body is tensed and trembles.

“I am an _alpha_! I’m going to be _your_ alpha. Don’t you dare to tell me what to do or what I want!”

Dean’s heart races and he shifts back to get some distance between himself and Cas. But the alpha follows him and crouches down to the floor to be at eye-level with him. That’s when Dean sees it, the trace of red around the other man’s iris. Cas is going full alpha mode.

The sight and the overpowering scent surrounding him has Dean at the edge of panic. He gets up and rushes to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind himself. Trying to catch his breath, he sinks down to the floor. His head falls back against the door and he closes his eyes. _Shit!_

Dean can hear Cas walking up and down in front of the door, but other than that, it’s quiet. Or maybe his hammering heart is too loud for anything else to be heard.

_Shit, shit, shit._

He lost control in his moment of power and went too far. With how calm and quiet the other man usually is, Dean completely forgot that he’s still dealing with an alpha who could easily fight him down and take what he wants. But Cas wouldn’t do that, right?

_Shit, shit, shit._

It takes some time for Dean to come down and get control over his nerves again. He listens closely for any movements on the other side of the door and eventually decides that it’s safe to go out again. At least, the pungent scent is gone. He cools his face with water from the sink and slowly unlocks the door.

“It’s okay, Dean, you can come out. I’m not going to hurt you.”

The omega still takes a moment and holds on to the handle of the door before he has enough courage to enter the bedroom again. Cas is sitting on the bed, his head sunken to his chest and his hands gripping his hair tightly.

“You calm again?”

The alpha looks at him and nods. “I’m sorry, Dean. I… I don’t know how that happened, I _never_ lose control over my alpha, I – ”

Dean interrupts him and carefully steps closer. Castiel doesn’t smell aggressive. “It’s okay, Cas. Well, not _okay_ , but I’m not innocent in this. I went too far.”

He sits down on the edge of the mattress, still far enough away from the other man, but close enough to symbolize he’s not afraid.

“This is a total disaster,” Cas says and falls on his back.

“I’m not gonna present to you, Cas. I mean it. You have no idea how demeaning it is.”

The alpha swallows. “It’s important for me, Dean. I’m only going to have one mating in my life, I want it to be right. The bite mark is not only for us, it’s a statement to show you belong to me. I don’t mean that you’re my property, but it is meant to show every other alpha out there not to mess with you. And I want the mark to be right, which means I have to bite you from behind.”

Dean huffs. “That’s bullshit. No one cares if the mark is upside down. Only your brother and maybe your mom. Are you so afraid of them that you really want to force me?”

Cas sits up again and looks at Dean with wide eyes. “I… I would _never_ force you. And it’s not about my mom or Michael. Not only. I want it like that. You might not understand it and I promise that this is the only time I want you to present. I’m not going to call you “my bitch” or whatever you think might happen. I just want a traditional mating. Have you never pictured your perfect mating?”

“No,” Dean lies. He’s not going to explain to Cas that he thought he’d become an alpha and that he would take his omega to a romantic cabin surrounded by snow for their mating. That the would light a fire in the fireplace and put candles everywhere. But he’s the omega now and his husband didn’t put up candles or rose petals or anything. His husband wants him to present.

Dean stands up and runs his hands through his hair. He walks up and down. Why does he even think about this? What’s wrong with him? He hates himself for actually considering laying down on his stomach for Cas. This guy has done nothing to deserve his sympathy. But still, Dean considers it. They have to do something, after all. There’s no going back, he knows it. If they don’t mate, the wedding is legally void, and they end up at the start again. He’s still pregnant and he decided to marry Cas and to mate him and to spend his life with him. He wanted to get off the street and he did it. Now this man asks him to lay on his stomach, the only thing separating him from legally having a home.

“Okay,” he says.

Cas’ head perks up and the alpha sits up on the mattress. “What?”

“I said ‘okay’. I’m gonna lay down.”

“Dean, are you sure?”

The omega raises his hand. “Let me finish, Cas.” He sighs and walks to the bed again. “I will lay down on my stomach, _but_ – and that is a big but – I will _not_ present. You can fuck me, but I will not raise my ass in the air and _submit_!”

They are close now. Close enough that Dean feels the other man’s breath on his face It’s quiet in the bedroom and for a few moments they just stare at each other. Cas is the first to move. He slowly presses their mouths together and lets a hand trail down Dean’s chest.

The omega hesitates but eventually kisses back, even lets himself being dragged onto the mattress Cas' lap. He has to block out what he just agreed to, what he is going to do. But he’s good at that.

_Just go with it. Feel it, don’t think._

They start grinding against each other and their kisses grow more heated. Cas holds him tight and roams over Dean’s back with his hands in soothing circles. They are in this bubble again, like they were in Dean’s car. Everything slows down, and they concentrate on nothing but feeling. Sweat begins to pool between them and their mouths start to wander. Dean nibbles at Cas’ earlobe, evoking a deep moan that sounds way too sexy to be legal.

The alpha digs his nails in Dean’s shoulders and presses the omega’s body down on his crotch some more. Dean feels the urge to lick at the sweat in the crook of Cas’ neck. It tastes salty, fresh, and woody, and he starts sucking a hickey on that spot.

Arousal fogs around them and Dean feels slick soaking his boxer briefs. Cas’ erection is just as prominent as his own and they start rutting against each other in earnest.

“Cas, stop, we gotta…” Dean can’t even finish his sentence when the other man sucks on his nipples.

In a swift motion, Cas turns them around and Dean lies on his back between the dark-haired man’s thighs. It comes in handy how strong the alpha is.

They lock eyes and Dean swallows. Slowly, he nods, and Cas lifts himself off the omega's body to wait at the foot of the bed. Dean takes a deep breath and turns around. He lies on his belly and places a pillow under his hips. The friction on his erection makes him shiver and moan.

He doesn’t see Cas anymore and his nerves are starting to overcome him again, but the alpha draws those circles on his back again. He massages Dean and waits for the omega’s muscles to relax before he slowly takes off both their underwear. Dean feels the head of Cas’ dick at his entrance and holds his breath as the other man presses into him.

The pace is slow, the friction enough to drive Dean crazy but not enough to satisfy him. He meets Cas’ thrusts with shoving back his hips, encouraging the alpha to go faster.

The tension builds in Dean and the combination of pressure on his prostate and friction from the pillow under his hips make him dizzy. He can feel that Cas is close too with how his thrusts begin to lose rhythm. It doesn’t take long until the alpha leans forwards and pants in Dean’s ear.

“I… I’m close. Dean, I got to… I’m going to…” He trails off in a deep groan.

Dean nods desperately. “Do it. Come on, do it,” he chants again and again. He’s not in a state to notice much more than the electricity inside him and the fog of Cas’ scent around him.

They pant and moan and repeat the same senseless words until Cas cries and Dean’s vision becomes white.

When he comes to himself again, the first thing that Dean notices is the intense pressure from inside his ass. He remembers how Cas’ knot felt the last time, but it seems to be even bigger now. The second thing is the pain and the wet feeling of Cas licking at the wound on his neck.

 

They stay tied together for over half an hour and at some point, Dean is actually glad that he can comfortably lie on his side. He would never tell that Cas, though. After the knot comes down, the alpha shakily walks to the bathroom to get a washcloth and cleans up the gross amount of come on Dean’s body. He tucks them in afterward and places a shy kiss on the omega’s forehead before he passes out to sleep.

Dean carefully touches the wound and flinches at the contact. He lies in the dark and tries to concentrate if he feels different, if his biochemistry is already starting to change. But he is too tired and exhausted to fight against sleep for long and eventually drifts off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings:  
> \- explicit sexual content  
> \- unhealthy sexual relationship
> 
> They are husbands and mates, so what now? turbulent times coming ahead for those two, but really, with how this relationship starts it's not surprising.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and all the nice and inspiring comments <3 Tell me what you think so far.
> 
> Oh, and to elisa_anya: I just had to use one line from our WhatsApp chat ;) <3 You always give me so many ideas I can use


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello <3
> 
> I know it's been longer than usual since I updated, but after I finished a one-shot I dreamed about in almost one session last week, I needed some days away from the screen.
> 
> This chapter is a bit of a roller coaster for Dean and his emotions, and not only because of pregnancy hormones. I hope you enjoy it <3

Everyone in the Novak household goes back to normal the morning after the wedding. It’s like the whole event has been just business as usual, something they do every once in a while. But Dean gets reminded that it is all real - the mating, the marriage, the pregnancy - every morning when he dries himself after a shower or when he dresses. The bite mark on his neck still feels fresh and sore for some days whenever fabric brushes over the spot. Dean also keeps fidgeting with the thin gold band around his finger. It’s not like he is completely unfamiliar with jewelry - he even used to wear his mother’s wedding ring for some time before his dad caught him with it and used rather rough methods to get it off him - but this piece of metal he has on his finger now just seems to itch on his skin.

They don’t have a honeymoon, because Cas is busy with school and work, but Dean doesn’t mind. He’s rather glad. What would he do with his husband for a whole week or even longer at some random beach in the south? This house and this _life_ is still new to him, so a change of scenery is the last thing he needs. He tries to feel less like a guest on the property and tells himself that this isn’t just a place where he is going to spend a few weeks like on the farms he used to work on. He has no plan how long Cas will still need for his degree and how long he intends to stay in his family’s house, so it’s a wise option to get used to the place.

Dean wants to build a routine for his everyday life and feel useful in the family. He wants to do it right from the beginning. Not because he is pretty fond of the other resident’s opinion in him, but it still feels wise to make good “first” impressions. He asks Anna to tell him what Cas likes to eat and packs the alpha lunch, only to find out that Cas is going to eat in a restaurant with some clients that day. Dean ends up eating the pork tenderloin himself.

He takes every chore Naomi gives him with joy, even if it is just cleaning and cooking. Every evening, he goes to bed watching TV and falling asleep to some random show.

The first week goes over quickly, so does the second. His days seem to consist of nothing but indoor chores and spending his free time in front of the TV or listening to Naomi’s and Anna’s endless talks about everything and anything. It’s like he’s stuck in a time-loop and Dean can’t help feeling bored.

It’s a completely new sensation for him as he’s not used to spend most of his time inside. Living in his car, he could at least just drive somewhere else if the sight of always the same surroundings drive him crazy. He’d thought that he’d like it, a constant in his life, but it still doesn’t feel like home at all. Every time he takes a shower, though, every time he eats a hot meal fresh from a pan or pot, and every time he falls onto the soft mattress covered in fresh sheets he gets reminded that boredom is a small price to pay for escaping a life on the streets.

One morning he walks into the bathroom and notices that his face looks a bit bloated. He starts paying attention to how his body behaves, if there are any signs of changes from the mating and pregnancy. Although, he has to admit that it’s hard to distinguish what is coming from the changes in his hormones and what from getting enough sleep at night, a decent shower and regular meals. He’s got to learn to know his body all over again after three years of living on the street.

Beside some struggles with his body and the new surroundings, it mostly tires him how rarely he sees his husband. Cas leaves early in the morning - sometimes waking Dean up in the process, sometimes not - and comes back late at night, busy with classes and a tough case he helps with at his brother’s office. They are both tense and stressed because their bodies want them to spend time together after the mating, want them to be close and touch and scent. Their hormones haven’t adjusted yet and it just takes longer the less they see each other.

Dean notices the effects on himself, how his skin buzzes and itches without the other man’s proximity, but he also sees it on Cas. The alpha looks exhausted, strained, and his usually so calm and reserved nature seems to break at times. Castiel doesn’t get aggressive like he did in their wedding night, but he slams the doors more often, his steps are heavier, and he seems less focused on the things he does. Dean feels the urge to comfort his mate, but since they still barely talk with each other, he doesn’t know how. The only idea he has to them both blow off some steam is sex.

One night, when Cas slumps onto his side of the bed, looking incredibly strained, Dean climbs on to of the alpha and rides him. Cas seems to be surprised at first but quickly gets on board and grips to Dean’s back like his life depends on it. It’s not sensual or loving, their kisses mostly coming from the urges to be closer everywhere, but it does the trick. Cas lets Dean do most of the work until he cries out and buries himself deep in his mate’s ass. Dean ends up jerking himself off because Cas falls asleep the moment he comes down from his orgasm. It’s an awkward situation to be tied to his sleeping husband, sitting on his lap, but Dean nuzzles the other man’s neck and falls asleep to the smell of seawater, fresh grass, and air after the rain.

It becomes somewhat of a routine for them. They don’t do it every day, but every other night, Dean would climb on top of the alpha, ride them both to exhaustion and then fall asleep entangled. And every time, he wakes up in the middle of the night to the feeling of Cas spooning him and resting a hand on his belly while he softly snores into Dean’s ear.

He has to admit it’s nice and sweet, but it’s almost the only time they ever spend together. They share more grunts and moans during sex then they talk over the rest of the day. Orgasms help to satisfy his omega urges but Dean feels more and more distressed with sitting at the table evening after evening, having dinner with Michael and the others, and staring at an empty place across from him. It’s not like he misses his husband because he likes him very much, but at least Cas wouldn’t give snarky remarks on how well the apron fits him when he’s cleaning up the kitchen, or how skilled he is with the washing machine

Dean actually thought he’d spend less time with Cas’ family, now that they’re mated, not _more_. He plans on confronting his husband about it every single night, but they either end up having sex instead, or Cas doesn’t even come home before Dean falls asleep out of pure boredom. The one time he manages to ask Cas how long he still has to work on this case, his mate apologizes and promises to have more time soon. It sounds like nothing but an excuse.

They go to church together, though. Of course it’s okay to miss family dinners, but missing church is not an option in this family. Dean spends more time watching the people around him than actually paying attention to the sermon. He moves his lips when the crowd begins to sing, and even if Cas notices he doesn’t comment on it.

Dean rather blocks out the service than maybe hearing some stuff he doesn’t like and that might enrage him. It’s a weekly event he has to endure, so he just busies himself with his own thoughts instead of the rants of Pastor Jim.

He notices a girl in the front row who looks at him from time to time. She is about his own age, has brown hair, and looks like she’d kill him any second.

“Who’s that?” he whispers to Cas and points at the young woman.

“Her name is Hannah. Hannah Johnson.”

The alpha goes back to his sing-along but Dean keeps his eyes focused on the girl’s head. “She keeps looking at me. It’s creepy. Do you know her or what?”

Cas swallows. “Yes, she… we used to go to Sunday school together. Her parents are old friends of the family.”

Dean huffs, “Doesn’t seem like a close friendship to me. They didn’t even say hi when we came here.”

“It’s complicated,” Cas answers, “We had a disagreement not long ago.”

“Suburban drama is a real thing then? Like on Desperate Housewives?”

Cas shakes his head and laughs quietly. “Not exactly.”

Hannah turns around in just that moment and a cold shiver runs down Deans back. “Dude, why the hell does she keep looking at me like that? I never even met her.”

An old lady in the row behind them inhales sharply at his wording and Dean rolls his eyes.

“I don’t know,” Cas whispers. It’s the last words they share for hours.

 

Feeling the urge to have a purpose, a _project_ other than just keeping the house clean and filling other people’s bellies, Dean starts going through all those brochures on pregnancy he’s got from the doctor. Now is just as good of a moment to start on it than any other moment, because in less than nine months from now, he is going to be a dad, is going to have a child to care for. That’s a fact.

Naomi and Anna are thrilled that he starts to not only accept the pup but looks forward to it and they set him up an Amazon account with Castiel’s credit card.

When the first catalog for baby supplies lands on the doorstep, he stares at the mailing label for minutes. _Dean Novak_. At first he doesn’t even realize that this is _his_ name, that he got it changed first thin on Monday after his wedding. This family name belongs to Naomi and Michael and Cas and everyone else in this house, but in combination with his name it looks weird. Dean huffs; he will definitely need time to get used to it. He’s not Dean Winchester anymore. A strange feeling of relief and sadness runs through him at the thought. It’s his father’s name and giving it up is just another step to emancipate himself from the ex-marine bastard, but it’s also the name of his brother, the name of his mother before she died. It’s the name he had for almost 22 years. Being Dean _Winchester_ was just so natural all that time and he never even spared a thought to the possibility of changing it some day. He takes the catalog inside and leaves it on a side table.

On the same evening, he finds it exactly where he left it, only that it now bristles with colorful sticky notes. Apparently, Anna and Naomi had fun with it.

In Dean’s opinion, they are a bit too thrilled about the pup. It’s fine that they add things to his shopping basket, even that they insist on him joining them to the playground to watch Jacob - who really seems to like Dean - but trying to show him how to massage his skin with oil to keep away stretch marks is just too much. That’s the moment when he carefully and kindly tells them he is fine and can figure it out on his own. It’s not like isn’t grateful that they want to help - they both already went through pregnancy after all - but this is going too far. They are around him all the time like babysitters and it makes Dean anxious.

So then he and Cas go to his first prenatal visit with the doctor on Tuesday before Thanksgiving, Dean is more than relieved to get out of the house for once without one of the women following. The hustle and bustle and even the traffic noise make him take a deep breath. He’s never been particularly fond of big cities, quite the opposite actually, but now it feels refreshing.

For the last three weeks, he spent all of his time in the house or the surrounding neighborhood and it feels like a bubble of perfect yards and always smiling faces. He needs to get out from time to time and probably should look for something he can do as an offset, something to keep the balance in his life that is now mostly shaped through household chores. He’s got the time after all.

His Impala needs some urgent repairs for example. He tried to start the engine a few days back and flinched at the pathetic roar he got from his baby. She’s not used to be out of practice for so many weeks in a row but if he could get her going again, it might help with finding the kind of control he lacks right now. Cas probably wouldn’t mind if he’d order some tools and parts for his car. Dean doubts that the alpha would even notice.

When they enter the doctor’s office, the beautiful, young omega from behind the desk guides them to the exam room. Dean already noticed her the last time they’ve been here and just like a few weeks ago, Cassie blushes when he winks at her.

A sour, pungent smell reaches Dean’s nose. He turns around to see Cas shooting daggers at the receptionist and Dean instinctively reaches out to pat the alpha’s hand. He has to admit that he is a bit surprised to see such a jealous reaction from the other man but he’s also surprised by his own strong urge to comfort his husband. Those damn mating hormones take action for him more often than he’d like.

Dr. Fergus Crowley is a small, slightly lumpy guy but he enters the room like he owns the world.

“Good morning Mr. Novak, Dean.” He shakes their hands and sits down at an impressive desk. “Let’s see what we’ve got here. Ah, yes, the first check-up. I hope you two brought time, ‘cause we’ve got to take some samples and do examinations and just general related stuff. As a male omega, you automatically get categorized as potentially having a risky pregnancy, but don’t worry, this is mostly just a formal term of saying that your gender combination is not normal in the traditional sense and bears more risks for pregnancy and birth.”

“Oh, yeah, great,” Dean huffs. Gosh, this country is so sick.

“Did you notice any changes in your body so far? I can see that you two are mated now, so congratulations for that, but anything unusual that isn’t related to the mating hormones?”

“I feel a bit bloated, and my skin buzzes or itches.”

Dr. Crowley writes down everything and hums. “Absolutely normal at this stage. What about morning sickness?”

“Today I don’t feel like a have to throw up any minute so far. It comes and goes, I would say, not constantly, but there are days that I rather stay close to a toilet the whole time.”

They keep doing this little Q&A session for some minutes, covering all possibly relevant topics including previous and current medication and chronic or serious diseases in his family. Gladly, the last blood sample he made a few weeks ago showed that the cheap suppressants and birth control pills - which didn’t work after all - didn’t harm his body as much as they feared it would have.

Cas sits next to Dean and follows the conversation, never interrupting but always listening closely to what the doc has to say. Dean feels relieved that he doesn’t have to go through this alone and no matter how reluctant he was at first, his mate’s scent calms him down a great deal. Especially when they come to the examination part of the appointment.

“At this stage, your pup is very small and your uterus and fallopian tubes are closer to your birth canal than to your abdomen, especially since you are a man,” Dr. Crowley explains, “so for your first ultrasound, I will use the transducer probe transanally.”

The thin, wand-like probe he holds in his hand makes Dean shiver. “You’re gonna… put that in my _ass_?”

The doc nods and opens a bottle of clear lube. “That’s why I asked you to clean yourself thoroughly before coming here. But don’t worry, it’s not going to hurt and as you can see, it’s pretty thin.”

Dean knows that he’s had much thicker things in his ass already - for instance, the night before - but he still grabs for Cas hand when Dr. Crowley positions himself between his now spread legs. Cas lets himself being used as a stress ball without as much as grimacing and uses his free hand to gently stroke Dean’s thigh. It’s a small gesture with a big effect and while Dean was too tense at first to let the doc do his examination, he relaxes and notices that the probe feels not even half as horrible as he’d thought.

After a bit of literally poking around in his ass, Dr. Crowley seems to see on his monitor whatever he wanted to see. “There we got the little pup.”

Cas yanks his head around to look at the screen - which Dean can’t see from his position - and swallows.

“Hey, that’s not fair, I wanna see it too!”

The doc adjusts the screen and points at a tiny blob on the dark background. “That… that’s our child?” Dean asks, his mouth hanging open.

It’s just a moving point surrounded by blue-ish nothing, but Dean still has to swallow. He can see the movements and instinctively has to put a hand on his belly. He knows that he can’t feel it yet, with how tiny the pup still is, but it is so different from seeing a line on a pregnancy test, from reading the word “pregnant” on a piece of paper. There is a moving, _living_ human being growing inside him.

He’s never expected to get so emotional but now that he lies here on the chair, his legs up high and a stick in his ass, tears are forming in his eyes. He feels a hand on top of his own on his belly and he looks up to see Cas staring at the screen. The alpha has tears in his eyes too and a wave of scent rushes over Dean that is so different from everything he smelled so far on his husband. It’s pure and intensive and just… _happy_.

“So, as far as I can see, there’s _one_ pup in there, and the measurements show… 0.63 inches. That’s about as big as a raspberry. Don’t underrate the size, though, what you see moving around like crazy on the screen are already arms and legs.”

Both Dean and Cas can’t do much more than stare at their pup and barely listen to the doctor’s explanations until he calls them back to reality with a snap of his fingers.

“It’s always a fascinating sight to have first-time mommies and daddies in here,” he laughs, “Now to the time schedule. I estimate the due date, or rather your birth window, for June 17th to July 7th next year. I know, that sounds like a lot of time yet, but believe me, it’ll pass by like it’s nothing. Wait a minute, I will make a copy of the picture for both of you.”

_June or July next year_ _…_ Dean still can’t believe it. A due date, an ultrasound picture, it all makes it so _real_. He might have a baby on July 4th next year, might be walking around some park with a stroller in just a few months.

They walk out of the doctor’s office each with a copy of their pup’s first picture and with a new appointment for Dean in four weeks. The omega has a hard time really understanding his emotions right now. It’s unbelievable how different his reaction is compared to when he saw the line on a pregnancy test. It feels like an eternity ago now.

This child wasn’t planned, not even wanted at first, but Dean swears at this moment that there will never be a single day in his kid’s life where he won’t make sure they feel loved.

 

The Novak family is - to put it mildly - excited about the news. Anna and Naomi snatch the picture out of Dean’s hand the moment they see it and the omega has to work hard to get it back from them. Even little Jacob seems to have a lot of questions, primarily if it’s going to be a boy so he has someone to play with. Michael asks if the pup is healthy, then excuses himself from the crowd. Luke doesn’t even bother to say anything before he raids the fridge and disappears downstairs. Not that Dean would’ve expected him to participate the excitement anyway.

That night, Dean and Cas go to bed together, a pretty rare event. Even more so, as they don’t end up having sex, but rather just lie on their respective sides and both grin as they take some final looks at the pictures before they call it a night. Dean falls asleep gently stroking his belly and being a bit excited about the holidays coming ahead.

 

Thanksgiving comes and transforms the Novak kitchen into a mess. Dean thought it’d be a nice occasion to let Jacob help with the pies and the mashed potatoes, but when Michael sees his son wrapped in a much too large apron, cutting tiny leaves out of the dough with the help of Dean, he snaps at the boy. The five-year-old throws a tantrum and the wonderful, tasty pumpkin pie lands on the floor.

Dean is left to pick up the pieces - literally - and throw them away. He feels rage rush over him, Michael hasn’t actually been subtle in his insult, but he is also a bit proud of Jacob and how the boy didn’t just submit to his dick father’s ancient view on gender roles. He just hopes that the kid won’t let himself be pushed into this stereotype alpha role, or worse, turn out to be an omega like him.

All in all, Dean feels disappointed and angry at the end of the day. Dinner tastes amazing, and even though he misses the pie, the food isn’t his problem. Rather, it’s the lack of everything homey and cozy, everything that vibrates _family_. Now, he knows that he isn’t exactly an expert in perfect holidays, but when he thinks back, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the Fourth of July; those days were always special in the Winchester house. Not that his dad ever made an effort, but because their mom died before Sammy ever got the chance to celebrate a real family holiday dinner, Dean started to make sure they at least spend the days uniquely.

He remembers roasting marshmallows over a single candle in Dean’s room, remembers using a red  pillowcase and a swab to dress up as Santa, and he is particularly fond of the year he and Sam built a turkey completely out of gummy bears. They never had a real turkey - or at least he can’t remember the last time they did - but now he sits in front of a delicious, golden brown sample but feels like crying.

They pray, just like every night at the Novak house, and go around saying what they’re grateful for. It’s always the same, and although they all add him and the pup growing inside him to their thanksgivings, it’s still meaningless words without heart and without soul. There is not one single smile in the round.

Cas might be an exception, because at least Dean has the feeling that the alpha truly means what he says, but by now the omega is already so worked up that he can barely acknowledge it. He looks around at everything he thought his life lacked as a child; a beautiful house and no worries about finances. Not that Dean was ever materialistic but he thought that all of his problems could be solved if he’d had enough money.

There is this saying that money doesn’t buy happiness. For the first time, Dean thinks it might be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, I really don't know if the emotions are too blurry, but Dean definitely gets confronted with twisted feelings. I'm happy you made it this far, which means you read through it. See you next chapter.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you lovely people out there! I was in a writing mood so I finished another chapter this week. It continues to explore Dean's experiences in the first weeks as a mated, married and pregnant omega in the Novak house.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy it <3

The disappointment from Thanksgiving doesn’t go away, it just settles deep down in Dean’s jar of emotions as each new day brings another feeling; Despair, excitement, anger - or everything at once - because mood swings are kicking in big time. Even though Dean tells himself it’s completely normal to have this reaction in his stage of pregnancy, he just isn’t naive enough to blame only the hormones. This house - or better, it’s residents - add to his distress.

At first, though, Dean starts to develop some sort of energy or anticipation when he uses Black Friday to buy tools for his Baby. He beams like a child on Christmas Morning when the delivery arrives on Saturday thanks to overnight express. He carries the package into the garage, passing Luke and Michael who just frown at him but otherwise let him be. The brand new wrench feels so good in his hand that Dean simply twists and turns it for a few moments.

His shirt is already stained with oil, his body sweaty from the physical exertion, when the garage door opens and Naomi parks her car right next to Dean’s. She had lunch with some other church ladies and seems to be in a pretty good mood. That is until she sees him working on the Impala.

“Ehm, Dean, what are you doing?” she asks.

Setting the wrench aside and quickly brushing his hands off on his old jeans, he turns to her and smiles. “She really needed some attention. I wanna get her on the road again.”

Naomi purses her lips. I fact, her whole face scrunches and transforms into a weird grimace. “Honey, you should’ve said something if you wanted us to drive you somewhere. We have four functioning and comfortable cars in this house.”

“Yeah, I know, but it’s not necessarily about going somewhere specific. I gotta drive around again once in a while. And also, I just like working on her.”

“Well, _she_ is a beautiful car, I agree, but I am not sure this is good for you. You are pregnant and should rest instead of exhausting yourself.” She is only a few feet in front of him and her expression clearly says she’s not amused.

Dean can’t hold back a bit of satisfaction for driving her up the wall with this. “Nah, it’s okay. The doc said it’s even good for me to use the moments I don’t feel too tired or sick to do anything and do something physically challenging. And I mean, if I can carry around full laundry baskets, a bit of tuning on my car can’t be harmful.”

Naomi’s face twitches again at this last sentence. They stare at each other for some time and Dean absolutely plans to win this battle. He does because after a minute of intense staring, Naomi turns around towards the house. “Well, don’t be too long, I’d like to eat early.”

Even though he only stand up against a middle-aged small lady, Dean feels vibrant and energized. He turns up the radio on his phone and keeps working on his Baby until the familiar roar of the engine echoes in the garage.

His mood keeps coming and going. It doesn’t only include getting super sensitive and emotional over commercials and then the next moment throwing a tantrum because his snack bowl is empty again; It also means that there are times where he is too tired to even get out of bed, and on the next day he is so full of energy that he could run a marathon. Well, not literally, because running isn’t his thing, but he just needs something to busy himself with.

It feels like more than an accident that in one of those active moments he finds community college brochures in the waste paper. Dean takes them upstairs to take a look at the offered courses. The amount and variety of non-credit classes impress him. In fact, he started musing on how he wants to spend his future time some days ago. Not that he’s already spoiled by all the money Cas and his family seem to have, but now that he is officially a Novak too, he starts to think that it’s his right to use the credit card for himself from time to time.

Especially the class about Middle Eastern cooking and one about leather-work appeal to him. Maybe one day he’ll be able to restore the seats of his car by himself and make her pretty again instead of just keeping her engine going.

This moment of excitement, of hope for the future, gets slaughtered down again pretty quickly, though. One morning, Dean plans on taking his car for a ride, maybe even drive past the community college to look around, but he just can’t find his car keys. He searches everywhere, turns pillows and blankets upside down, crouches to the ground to look under cabinets and tables, but they’re nowhere to be found.

“I could swear I left them in the garage,” he mumbles to himself, but the keys are gone.

He gets a hunch that something’s not quite kosher. With how Naomi tried to get him away from his car it shouldn’t surprise him if she’s got something to do with it. Not wanting to cause any trouble, he carefully asks her if she has seen the keys first.

“Your car keys? No, honey, I’m sorry. But if you want to go somewhere I could drive you. I haven’t anything planned for today yet and I’d love to spend some time with my son-in-law,” she smiles. It looks fake.

“No, ehm, it was just a general question. But thanks, Naomi,” Dean answers. _She is one-hundred percent guilty._

Dean wants to talk to Cas about it, he _needs_ to talk to his mate about how his family treats him. They don’t outright bully him, at least not openly, but he can’t overlook the fake acceptance and tolerance anymore. Yes, he’s a male omega, he’s a genetic mutation, but for god’s sake, he’s a human like everyone else.

He got used to the contemptuous looks he got on the streets. People walking past him and judging him, because they didn’t know. They didn’t know where he comes from, what he’s been through and what he has to face every single day living in an old Chevy. It was hard at first, yes, but over time Dean managed to build up a distance to his surrounding. Maybe he didn’t grow stronger but definitely more serene towards the looks and the words, towards the hate.

And now he’s living with people who don’t seem to want to know him. They ask him how his day was, how he’s feeling, but they don’t want an honest answer. They want to hear “Thank you, I’m fine” to keep up the facade of love, peace, and harmony. But it’s like hanging wallpaper over moldy walls and Dean can’t just let it slide anymore.

Cas is upstairs in their room. While he was absent ninety percent of the time in the last weeks, he is constantly home now, which doesn’t mean that they see each other more because the alpha is studying for finals. Dean can already smell the distress from the hallway. He carefully opens the door and peeks inside. His husband is at his desk, piles of paper, flashcards, and his laptop in front of him.

“Hey, Cas, got a minute?” Dean asks. He enters their bedroom and walks over to the bed to sit on it.

The alpha doesn’t even turn around to look at his husband when he answers. “Not really. I’m busy, Dean, is it important?”

His voice is hoarse, the underlying aggression almost touchable in the air around them, and Dean feels slightly intimidated by his mate's mood. “Whoa, you look fucked up.”

“Well, I have a shit ton of things to study for, so please make it quick.”

_Since when does Cas swear?_ The omega tries to sound reasonable and diplomatic “Yeah, sure, no, I get it, dude, exams suck.”

Castiel snorts. “I don’t think you do.”

The comment stings in Dean’s chest. “Why? Because I’m not some fancy college student like you?” He knows he raised his voice and it’s not at all how he wanted this conversation to go, but he just can’t stand any more insults and snarky remarks.

“I didn’t say that!” Cas says and turns around to face his mate.

“But you thought it.”

Dean can see the other man’s face twitch. “Don’t assume you know what I think, okay?” Castiel shouts. The alpha fumes and is up on his feet.

The omega backs off, crawls further on the mattress and has his hands up in front of him. “Whoa, hold on, I didn’t do anything!”

Cas takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and then sighs. He sits down again on his desk chair and massages his temples. “I didn’t mean to raise my voice, I’m sorry,” he makes a short pause before he looks at his husband and puts on a pained smile. “What did you want to talk about?”

Dean thinks for a moment. This is not the right time to talk about his family harassing him. “I just… can I get you something? Like, a cup of tea maybe?”

The alpha’s face relaxes, if only slightly, and his smile turns genuine. “That’s… actually a good idea. Thank you.”

Dean stands up and walks towards the door. “Be right back.”

He stands in the kitchen and waits for the kettle to boil. This situation is insane. He’s making tea for the guy although the conversation was supposed to be about _his_ problems for once. But Dean isn’t stupid enough to try having a serious talk with Cas while his husband is clearly stressed out. He will have to wait for a better timing to broach the subject. Whenever that might be.

When he brings the tea upstairs and carefully places it on the desk, Cas grabs his wrist and holds on to him for a moment. The alpha gently strokes his belly and pulls Dean down to kiss him. It’s just a short but lingering kiss and the omega walks downstairs with confusion. This affection came unexpected and Dean isn’t sure what to think of it.

 

Dealing with Cas doesn’t get any better over the next days as the alpha is tensed the whole time. Dean leaves him alone upstairs and rather stays in the living room. One afternoon, he lies on the big couch and reads through some class reviews for the community college on the tablet Anna gave him. She is playing a board game with Jacob, and Dean likes watching them interact. He rests a hand on his belly and caresses it absentmindedly.

“You really start to look pregnant now,” she says.

Dean smiles. He noticed in the last days that his pants won’t close so smoothly anymore, but since he stays inside most of the time anyway, he can wear sweats. “I really start to _feel_ pregnant too. I’m sick all the time, my mood is coming and going and I need to pee every five minutes.”

“And still you beam.”

“Yeah,” Dean chuckles. It’s a weird feeling lately. He doesn’t feel at home, he is angry about how he’s treated and he has to deal with pregnancy symptoms all the time. And yet, this tiny creature inside of him makes him smile. Who would’ve thought that could happen? He definitely didn’t.

“I remember being tired _all the time_ at this point when I was pregnant with Jacob. And I looked terrible. I mean, you have this little hint of a baby bump but otherwise, you look amazing. The pregnancy suits you. I looked bloated, my breasts were growing like weed and I got pimples everywhere.”

Dean blushes at her compliment and then has to laugh at the thought that this petite, beautiful woman looked bloated. “Well, we’ll see how I’m gonna look like in a few months. But I won’t have to deal with growing breasts.”

“No?” she asks, “Sorry if that’s a dumb question but we didn’t talk about male omegas in school. I kinda thought that during pregnancy you’ll develop the same necessary parts as women.”

“Nah, not everyone. I mean, there are male omegas who can grow breasts, but I don’t have that equipment.”

Anna rolls the dices to keep Jacob entertained but still looks at Dean. “How do you feel about that? I mean, that you won’t be able to breastfeed your pup?”

“To be honest, when the doc said that I can’t I was a bit sad at first. I mean, you read everywhere what an intimate experience it is and everything, and also that it’s healthier for the pup. But I am also kinda glad that I don’t grow breasts, that would look weird. And the formula is really good these days so I don’t worry too much.” He still keeps scrolling through the reviews and looks up to see Anna smile fondly at him. “What?”

“Oh, nothing, it’s just… I’m glad to see you care so much for the pup now.”

Dean looks away. He gets the underlying message and he hates himself a bit for cursing his child at first. Not that it was an easy situation, but he still feels guilty for having had those wishes of getting rid of the pup.

Naomi comes into the living room and interrupts the peaceful atmosphere. She stands in front of the couch Dean is currently spread on and silently demands him to make space. He complies, even though the older omega has a huge variety of other seating possibilities to choose from.

“What are you looking at?” she asks and openly glances at the screen of the tablet. “Community college? Do you want to take a class?” Her voice is a mixture of emotions Dean can’t fully make out. Her scent is calm and composed as always.

“Ehm, yeah, I thought about it. There’s a cooking class about Middle Eastern food that has high ranking,” he says. It is immediately clear that Naomi doesn’t agree with him.

“Hm,” she hums, raising her eyebrows in this specific, disapproving way, “I’m not sure this is a good idea. Michael doesn’t like spicy food, and considering we have Jacob and soon another pup here, I just don’t think it’s worth the effort to learn something you won’t be able to use.”

Dean has a lump in his throat and doesn’t know what to answer. He doesn’t even get the time to do so, though, because Naomi has more to say.

“You know, the childcare classes in this college are magnificent. It couldn’t harm for you to learn a bit about that, right?”

He feels like crying inside. All Dean can do is nod, then he excuses himself and walks to the kitchen to get a glass of water. He grabs a bag of cookies and searches for a quieter place where he can get some rest. Somehow, he ends up in the guest room. It’s funny that this is the place he feels most comfortable at in the whole house.

He slumps onto the bed and covers his eyes with his forearm. The tears are coming on their own, first a few single drops, then a whole waterfall.

“I’m not _just_ pregnant,” he tells himself through sobs, “I am more than a stay-at-home omega.”

This is not how it was supposed to be, not how he wanted his new life to begin. In between tears, he has to laugh out of desperation. He can’t even blame the pup anymore, he knows that it’s not the child’s fault. _He_ was so stupid to believe that things could change, that he could finally find a place where he could be at peace, but of course that was just a wish, just imagination.

Dean stays in the guest room until it’s time for dinner. It wasn’t the last time that he would need to go hide and cry over the next days.

 

Unfortunately, Cas’ mood doesn’t improve at first, it gets even worse the days before finals week. The pungent scent of despair and anger keeps hanging in the air in their bedroom so that Dean can’t fall asleep before he doesn’t open the windows for a few minutes.

On Sunday night, Dean lies in bed and scrolls through Netflix on the tablet while Cas still sits at his desk and memorizes notes. It’s past 11 pm and his tiredness is obvious.

“Cas, come to bed, you’re falling asleep there.”

The alpha doesn’t react until Dean calls his name again. “I… I need another hour, maybe two. I’m fine, Dean.”

“Dude, you’re not. You haven’t slept or eaten properly in _days_. Come on, you studied enough for today.”

Cas breathes heavily when he turns around. “No, I haven’t,” he picks up a pile of study notes, “I’ve gotta learn all of this until Wednesday, I need to keep going.”

Dean looks at the stack of paper and then to another pile on the desk. “Wait, so, if that’s what you still have to learn, is that other pile what you already know?”

“Yes,” Cas sighs.

“Dude, are you kidding me? That’s way enough to pass this exam!” the omega chuckles.

The loud bang of Cas’ fist connecting with the desk sounds loud in his ear. “That’s not… it’s not about _passing_ the exam!” the alpha shouts, “I have to _ace_ it, okay?”

“Why, though?” Dean asks. He doesn’t understand why Cas would get so angry about this final. “I bet your grades are amazing. And even if not, you’re gonna work in your brother’s office anyway.”

The alpha shakes his head and starts laughing under his breath. “You wouldn’t understand it,” he mumbles.

Dean looks at the shaking frame of his husband and wonders why the guy is so afraid.

Cas stands up and gathers his stuff. “I’m going to the library. It’s open constantly, so I can study there and won’t interrupt your sleep anymore.”

“No, Cas, come on, you don’t have to go. If you need the time, I will go downstairs and sleep in the guest room.”

“No!” comes the immediate answer from his husband who turned around to Dean again, his voice determined, “No, I will go. Don’t… don’t stay up for me.”

Before Dean can say anything more, Cas is already gone with a quiet “goodnight” whispered over his shoulder. Dean sleeps especially shitty that night and stays tense the whole next day.

 

It’s the week before Christmas and finally, Cas horrific mood seems to settle. Dean can smell it on his mate and also see it in the way his face looks more relaxed. The dark-haired man still looks exhausted, but it feels like he’s going back to normal; whatever that might be.

They are going to the second appointment with Dr. Crowley and Dean can’t wait for it. He felt dizzy the past few days and looked into every single mirror he passed in the house because he still can’t believe the growing baby bump that is now even noticeable under his clothing. He will have to go shopping this week if he wants to have anything to wear the next time.

Dean follows Cas into the garage and to his mate’s shiny BMW. For a moment, the omega stops next to his Impala and almost says “We could take my car if your mom hadn’t taken away my keys.” But he doesn’t. First of all, he has no proof that it was her, although he searched some places the last days, and secondly, he doesn’t want to ruin this day. He had some pretty rough moments in the last time and more than once felt like it is all becoming too much to handle. The one thing that kept him sane was the thought of his pup and the anticipation for this second ultrasound. Sometimes he still can’t fully believe it himself how his view on the child inside of him has changed, but how can he possibly be angry at an innocent creature that just wants to grow and develop inside of him?

Dr. Crowley awaits them in the examination room and they simply go through the same stuff like four weeks ago; some blood and urine samples, a short talk about how he felt lately, and then the ultrasound. Dean watches the screen and feels the tears of joy coming up again when he sees his baby. With how often he looked at the picture he got last time, it’s not difficult for him to notice that the pup has definitely grown.

“I’m going to measure the little thing again and we will see how the development is coming along,” Dr. Crowley says, “I would say everything is just fine. At this stage, the fetus is almost done developing its body’s most important systems and parts, which means it’s all about getting bigger and more mature from here on. If you look very closely, you can even see tiny fingers and toes opening and closing.”

Dean marvels at the tiny creature and grabs for Cas’ hand. They stay close together while the doctor explains some more things about the current development of their child and then prints another copy of the ultrasound for each of them.

“You are almost done with first trimester and you will soon notice that the pregnancy symptoms will go down. The second trimester is usually a time where you feel the most like yourself in fields of energy and general wellbeing. You might experience an increased sex-drive, though. But don’t worry, it won’t harm the pup to fool around in bed.”

Dean feels the blush creeping up his cheeks. He takes a look at Cas out of the corner of his eyes and can see that the alpha’s face is tinged in pink too.

“We will have to discuss the possibility of a mid-pregnancy heat at some point,” Dr. Crowley explains.

“Wait, so, that’s a real thing?” Dean asks.

The doctor huffs a laugh and turns to the couple when he finished putting his equipment aside. “Yes, and it is more common for male omegas. And since you took suppressants for so many years, I even think it can be a pretty strong one. Which doesn’t mean it can’t be a wonderful and intimate experience with your husband.”

Dean blushes again. Great, he didn’t go into heat in years and he doesn’t exactly remember it fondly. And now he’s going to have one while he’s pregnant?

“When can we expect that to take place?” Cas asks.

Dr. Crowley fills out some forms while he answers. “Ah, I see someone’s impatient,” he winks, and Cas swallows noticeably. “We have time to discuss more on our next appointment. The results from today’s blood sample will give a hint on how the hormonal balance is changing and that is always a good indication of when to expect the heat. Usually, it’s in the middle or at the end of the second trimester.”

They come out of the appointment and head home. Those silents drives seem to become a habit of them now and Dean settles into looking outside the window until he feels Cas’ hand reaching across the seat and gently touching his belly when they stop at the lights.

“I sometimes can’t believe that there is _our_ child growing inside,” the alpha says quietly, definitely emotional by the way his voice quivers.

Dean doesn’t answer, he just rests his own hand on top of his mates. They stay like this until the lights turn green and they drive the rest to the Novak home.

That night, when they already lie in the dark on their respective sides of the bed, Cas moves closer to Dean’s back and buries his nose in the crook of his neck. At first, it makes Dean twitch, surprised by the sudden proximity, but he eventually turns around and they start making out. They end up having sex again, but it’s sweeter and less urgent than all the last times and while Dean holds on to the headboard, Cas has one arm around his waist and the other on his belly again.

Dean falls asleep after hours of staying awake that night. His mate is already in deep slumber but the omega struggles with wrapping his head around his own emotions. His feelings are twisted and the strong feeling of despair from the last weeks overpowered by a current wave of comfort. He doesn’t know what to think anymore and closes his eyes out of pure exhaustion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you think? any ideas on how this could turn out in the next chapters? (Of course I already know what's gonna happen, but I'm curious to know what you think <3)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you had a nice week. I'm back with a pretty angsty chapter. Seriously, shit's gonna blow up in this one, so be sure to read the warnings if you think something might be a trigger for you. Other than that, I really hope you like and enjoy the update <3  
> P.S.: the first time that we have a part of the chapter from Cas' POV
> 
> Warnings in the end notes!

Christmas is a nightmare. Not that he has very fond memories of Christmases at the Winchester house, but he somehow still had this slight ray of hope inside of him that the feast of love will make his miserable life in this house a bit better. Even though he experienced so much hate and so much pain, his childhood-self keeps fueling the dream of a safe and loving home. He’s living in a huge house now, the rooms are decorated festively, and there’s even the Christmas tree he always wanted; but to call it a feast of love would be blasphemy.

They go to church and listen to what the pastor calls the purpose of Christmas, which apparently is related to _incarnation,_ judging how many times the guy repeats this word. They engage in compulsory charity and give themselves a pat on the back for it while discussing recipes over a piece of cake in the afternoon. It all looks fake and Dean is disgusted by the way the Novak family uses their faith to gloss over their horrible personalities. The worst thing, though, is how the sweet innocent Jacob tags along after his father and repeats Michael’s every word. The knowledge that there’s another generation growing up with those worldviews frightens Dean.

Still trying to find a way to please the Novaks and maybe get them to treat him better, Dean spends a lot of his time - and a bit of Cas’ money - on buying Christmas presents for everyone. He’d love to go out on a shopping trip and stroll through the aisles to find something, but he still didn’t find his car keys and even if he did, he has no real money on hand to buy anything in a store, only an Amazon account connected to Cas’ credit card. And the only time he actually goes out of the house in the week before Christmas is to buy new clothes that fit him. Of course he is not only guided but _guarded_ by Naomi and Anna. They pick stuff for him again, although this time, at least Anna asks him for his opinion. So, Dean tries to find things on the Internet that he can wrap and put under the Christmas tree. For Jacob, it’s no problem at all, a Star Wars set from Lego always works. Even for Mrs. Criticism - also known as Naomi Novak - he surprisingly quickly finds an appropriate present. He noticed that she always wears silk scarfs in different colors and with different prints, but always from the same brand, so Dean orders one for her that seems to match her style. At first, he has to swallow when he sees the price of the piece of fabric but quickly reminds himself that those people have a different relationship to money than he does. With Michael, Anna and even Luke covered, the only person left is his husband. But the decision is easily made when he, just by chance, sees amazing fish tank equipment. Dean is actually very happy that he found something for everyone and crosses his fingers that it will improve their view of him.

It doesn’t. Christmas Eve comes and goes and on Monday morning, Dean wakes up to snow outside the window and the sound of Jacob’s small feet running through the house. Cas beside him yawns and stretches as he opens his eyes slowly.

Sleepily, the alpha looks over to Dean “Merry Christmas,” he whispers with a gravelly voice.

“Merry Christmas,” Dean answers.

The family gathers around the Christmas tree in their pajamas and let Jacob go first. The five-year-old giggles when he opens present after present. It’s a variety of toys that matches a toy store and yet again Dean shakes his head at how easily they throw around with money. When the kid opens the Lego set he beams and presses it to his chest.

“I always wanted one of those!”

The rest of the Novaks have a rather confused look on their faces and when Anna looks at Dean, he winks back and the woman’s expression changes to a happy grin. Jumping up and down, the smallest member of the family asks if he can play with his presents and once his father says yes, the kid is up the stairs in seconds.

When the others stand up, Dean is confused.

“Ehm, I’ve got some presents for you too,” he says.

The night before, he only saw Jacob’s toys lying under the tree and thought that the adults kept their presents somewhere else, so he put the packages he bought to the side.

Michael looks at him with raised eyebrows. “We don’t give each other presents at Christmas. It’s more a thing for kids, don’t you think?”

“Oh,” Dean answers and scratches the back of his neck, “I didn’t know that. I… I bought something for each of you, so…” he stands up and gets the bag from under the kitchen sink.

When everyone takes their respected present and turns it around in their hands, Dean is nervous. They really don’t look as excited as he’d hoped. Naomi picks on the wrapping paper suspiciously. Lifting the lid of the paper box, her eyes grow wide in surprise.

“Thank you,” she says. It’s not warm or particularly cheerful, but even a cold and stoic thank you is better than most that Dean heard from her since he’s here.

Even Michael and Luke appreciate their presents, but Anna is by far the most excited. She hugs him and kisses him on the cheek.

“Thank you,” the woman whispers into his ear.

Dean chuckles. “Well, you talked so much about this cookbook that I thought you might want to have it.”

Castiel’s reaction, however, is unreadable for Dean. The alpha sits on the couch and has the package on his lap, staring down at the different rocks and the small castle that could really look nice as decoration in his fish tank.

“Thank you,” he says but he doesn’t look up to meet his husband’s eyes.

Dean can’t smell much of the fresh and salty scent that he now knows indicates the alpha is happy. No, instead his mate radiates a subtle but noticeable sourness. “If you don’t like it - ” Dean starts but Cas interrupts him.

“No, I like it. I really do. Thank you, Dean.” He stands up and presses a peck on Dean’s lips before he walks towards the stairs. “I put it in our room.”

 And that’s how Dean, again, seeks the neutral zone of the guest room. He tried. He really tried to get along with those people and gain their sympathy, for the sake of a home and for the sake of his pup. Dean rubs the slight bump of his belly and tears are running down his face.

_I tried._

After all he’s been through, after swearing to himself to never get involved with an alpha again, he let his guard down in the desperate attempt to find a place he could call home. But his hopes got shattered. This family is not different from everyone else he met. Anna is a nice girl, but it’s easy for her. She doesn’t get harassed, no one sees her as an abomination, and she seems to be content with her life, she truly seems to love Michael. Dean won’t judge her for somehow managing to be happy in this toxic environment, but he can’t. He thought he could, he tried, but he can’t. His pup deserves better.

_I deserve better._

For the first time in years, he believes it might be true.

 

It’s the first night that Dean also sleeps in the guest room again. After dinner, he and Cas go up to their room, but Dean only stops there to get sweats and a t-shirt. He tells his mate that he needs a bit time to himself and the alpha doesn’t even react much besides a nod and a quiet “good night”.

It stays like this for the last week of the year and the alpha doesn’t comment on it once. Every morning, Dean finds it harder to even get up and he’d rather cover himself with the blanket and forget the world around him. On New Year’s Eve, he even struggles to clink glasses on the new year. 2018, the year that his pup is going to be born into a world of hate and into a home that should be a shelter from it but probably won’t be. Dean can’t think of anything else than protecting this precious child from the toxic of this house.

This feeling grows and one night in the early days of January, when Dean sleepily walks into the kitchen to get something to drink, an urge triggers off inside him. Naomi’s purse lies on the counter and without a second thought, he grabs for it. He has to know. Searching through all the tiny pockets inside, Dean’s fingers finally close around his car keys.

“This bitch,” he curses, “I knew it!”

The keys suddenly feel like more than just the instrument to start the engine of his car. Dean doesn’t believe in faith or signs, but right at this moment, in the darkness of a house that is more of a prison than a home, he wants to believe.

His heart races when a thought forms inside his head and slowly grows to an idea. He doesn’t get much sleep that night, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how much his hands shake or how his muscles tense while he clasps to the maybe most important object in his life, because he might not have a plan yet, but he’s got a chance. And he wants to use it.

Dean starts to prepare the next day. The other’s don’t pay much attention to him anyway but he still tries to be as unobtrusive as possible and always keeps the car keys close to his body. Michael and Cas are at the office again, Naomi leaves in the early afternoon to meet her friends. Dean can just hope that she won’t notice the absence of the keys, but with how securely they were hidden in a pocket inside a pocket he doubts the bitch will detect it. Anna plays boardgames with Jacob, like she always does as the caring, loving mother she is. He is tempted to say that she might be the only person he’s going to miss. But probably he won’t. Once he leaves this hellhole, he might want to forget it ever happened anyway. And it’s a fact now that he’s leaving; he might not know where to go yet, but he is sure that this is his last day in the best-furnished prison on earth.

Dean gets his duffel from the trunk and fills it to the brim with clothes and sheets and everything else that might come in handy in the future. In Cas and his bedroom, he opens the drawer of his nightstand to take the few really personal belongings he’s still got; photos of him and his mom, him and his brother and the amulet that Sam gave him as a Christmas present years ago. He raids the cabinets in the kitchen and stocks his car with everything he can find. No one will see the partly empty cabinets this day anyway since it’s Dean’s turn to cook dinner that night. He has to laugh under his breath at the irony. It’s his last meal in this house but instead of going to the gallows he will gain his freedom back.

One last time he sits down with the others, one last time he eats and fakes a smile around them, and one last time he says goodnight to his husband. Dean struggles to keep his emotions at bay when he looks Cas in the eyes. No matter how much he wants to get away from this place, he knows that his body will suffer from the distance to his mate. He read some horror stories on the internet about the impact of forced separation, not only for him but especially for the alpha, but with how little time they actually spent together after their mating, Dean doubts their bond is particularly strong anyway. Whatever pain and nausea he’s going to feel from the distance, it will fade eventually.

And still he leans in, pressing a lingering kiss to the other man’s lips. It’s a silly and irrational move but he does it anyway before turning around and walking towards the guest room. He lies down on the bed and waits for everyone in the house to fall asleep.

 

The alarm clock shows 2 am and Dean takes one last deep breath before he carefully crawls from under the blanket. His whole body is shaking by now and with how long he waited, thoughts kept shooting through his head.

_This won_ _’t change anything._

_You will be alone again._

_You can_ _’t possibly raise the child on your own._

He tries to shut those thoughts up but it’s hard. He keeps reminding himself that his time in this house showed him that money isn’t a cure to everything, and although he might not be able to give his pup a thousand toys for Christmas and pay for fancy clothes, he will make sure that this child feels loved every single day of its life. He will do it better than his dad, he will do it better than this hypocritical family.

But Dean still has to force himself to dress and slowly open the door. He’s afraid, but he will do it; he needs to.

The house is quiet and Dean holds his breath while he walks into the entrance hall and opens the closet. He knows that both Cas and Michael have their wallets in their coats and Dean makes quick work of taking the almost a thousand dollars they are carrying with them; it’s gonna teach them a lesson to not carry around so much cash. Careful to not make any noises on the wooden floor, he walks over to the garage door. He knows the code for the alarm from watching Michael and quickly disables the system even though his hands tremble. His heart races and his ears ring. He is so close. So close to get away and never look back. He managed to disappear and keep a low profile once, he can do it again.

The door to his Impala sounds loud in his ears when he opens it and Dean fringes at the noise. He holds still for a moment, then gets behind the steering wheel and closes the door again as carefully as he can. With the electric buzzer, he opens the gate and watches as it slowly reveals the darkness outside.

Dean takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. All he’s got to do now is turn the key and drive off into the night. At first he hesitates, but then he turns on the engine with determination and doesn’t even care anymore that his Baby roars loudly. He grins and hits the gas pedal.

Not even taking a look back at the house in the rearview mirror, Dean flees the neighborhood as fast as possible, watching the properties fly by out of the corner of his eyes. He’s going west, away from Chicago and away from the prison that held him for way too long. The destination isn’t defined yet, but that never kept him from setting off anyway. Maybe he’ll pay a visit to some of the farms he used to work on a few weeks. He especially thinks of Lisa Braeden, a widowed beta, and her son Ben. Dean worked for her last year and they got along very well. She asked him to stay and as the idiot he’s been, he said no. But maybe that offer still stands, maybe she’ll give him shelter, at least for a while. It’s a two-day drive until there, probably even three since he has no idea how his pregnancy will affect his ability to drive long distances, but he’s stocked with everything he’ll need to get by for quite some time.

And even if he can’t stay with her and might need to go to an omega’s shelter or something like that, then so be it. It’s not like his expectations are particularly high and in the end, everything’s better than staying in this hellhole. The further Dean gets away from the Novaks, the more hope he has.

Dean has to stop at a gas station after only a few miles. Damn, he totally forgot that he arrived at Cas’ place with an almost empty tank and of course this is the only thing he didn’t check when planning his escape. He pounds his head against the steering wheel at his stupidity but tries to calm himself. No need to freak out yet, he’s just got to fuel up and keep driving.

After paying, he stops at the restroom behind the gas station and splashes cold water on his face. Dean huffs a laugh. Why is it that whenever he’s making a big decision he ends up in a shitty bathroom looking at himself in the mirror? He follows his features and tries to remember how he looked like before all of this happened. Did he look sadder or happier? Younger? Older? He definitely looked more skinny but that doesn’t surprise him with how often he had to go to sleep hungry.

The memory of cold nights, an empty stomach and a hurting back from sleeping in his car rush through his mind. Suddenly, Dean isn’t so sure anymore that he’s doing the right thing. His arms start to shake and eyes fill with tears. He doesn’t want to live on the streets again.

His eyes wander down and he catches a glimpse of the scar on his neck. Carefully, Dean traces the silvery bite marks with his fingers and pictures of how he got them flash through his head. This is going to be a constant reminder of what happened, of Cas and his family, of the hate and the abuse.

Dean goes back to his car to get the knife he’s got in his glove compartment and a lighter before returning to the restroom. He locks the door behind himself and stares at the mirror for some moments.

“Come on, it’s gotta be better,” he encourages himself and ignites the lighter.

He watches how the flame dances around the blade, turning the underside black. Dean can feel the heat already radiating from the metal but he keeps going. Once he put the lighter down, he turns the knife in his hand and slowly raises it to his neck. He watches his hand coming closer and closer in the mirror and at some point has to grip around his wrist with the other hand because he trembles so much. His jaw clenches in anticipation of the pain and when the hot blade connects with his skin, the burn shoots through him like nothing he ever felt before. Dean doesn’t even scream, only his face contorts to a horrifying grimace. And while he thinks he can hear the flesh on his neck melting, the smell and the heat bring back memories of his four-year-old-self rushing outside his burning home with his baby brother in his arms and his mother screaming from inside.

Dean hears the knife falling down on the tiles and when his vision stops to blur, he can see that he’s crying, tear after tear running down his face. And where the bite marks use to be is now a bright red, blistered wound.

_I did that_.

It hurts extremely and probably will for a while, but he did it to himself, a mark that no one forced on him but that was his own decision. And whenever he will look at it now, he will see it as a mark of his free will.

He tries to cool the wound with paper towels and cold water but it doesn’t help at all. There’s a first-aid kit in his car, so Dean unlocks the door and steps out into the cold January night. He hasn’t walked more than a few steps when a pungent and sour smell rushes over him. Dean feels like he could throw up any second at the strong and disgusting alpha scent.

“Look what we’ve got here,” a deep voice says to his right.

Dean turns around and can only barely see two men standing in the faint light of the lamp. They are tall and big with dirty jeans and even dirtier flannels. One has his long greyish hair bound to a thin ponytail, the other seems to be younger, but not less disgusting. The two alphas lean against the wall and smoke.

When the guy with the ponytail scents the air and his face turns into a wide grin, Dean’s stomach twists and he walks a few steps backward. The movement calls the alphas to action and they come closer.

“Whoa, where do you think you’re going, sweetie?” the younger one says.

“Oh, this one smells divine,” the other comments, “a mated, pregnant omega, all alone in the middle of the night. Tell me, what are you doing here, huh? Running away from your alpha? Doesn’t he please you anymore? I bet you need someone who fucks you hard and rough, huh?”

Dean feels how the fear is starting to overpower him and all he can think of is “protect”. The entrance of the gas station is still far away since some asshole seemed to think it’s okay to build the restroom so far behind the main building.

“Fuck off!” he says, “Don’t come near me!”

The two alphas grin and look at each other with hungry eyes. “Oh, I love it when they get snarky with a bun in the oven,” the ponytail guy smirks.

Dean knows that his only chance now is to run and to scream. They are two strong, tall alphas and he could never overpower them, so he turns around and tries to reach the corner of the station, screaming for help as loud as he can.

He feels the pain from the still fresh burn when someone grabs him by the neck and presses him against the brick wall. His vision blurs and his head throbs. The pungent scent from the alphas surrounds him completely when one of the guys, or maybe it’s both, press against his back. Dean shoves his belly away from the wall so it won’t get squished. The assholes seem to interpret it differently, though.

“Oh, didn’t I say it? This one’s eager to get a good fuck.”

Dean starts to cry, he tries to scream but the grip around his neck tightens and all that comes out is a raspy sob. _No, please don_ _’t. Please leave me alone._ It feels like a prayer, and maybe Dean actually does pray in this moment. One of the guys presses his nose in the crook of his neck and it runs a shiver down Dean’s spine. He can’t see more than the corner of the building that seems to be in arms reach but still too far away, but he can feel everything. He can feel the sweaty palm around his neck, the wet tongue that traces over his skin, and the bulge that presses against his ass cheek. Dean struggles, tries to fight back, but the second alpha pins his arms over his head and now Dean can’t even cover his belly anymore. He starts to sob. Of course this would happen, of course he would and up being raped behind a shitty gas station. That’s just his life.

Tears are running down his face and all he can think of now is “please don’t hurt my pup.”

“Hey, get away from him!”

The sound of the voice is accompanied by the grip around his neck and hands loosening. Dean falls to the ground and all air escapes his lungs. From his position in the dirt, he can see the two alphas running away, disappearing into the woods, and another person coming closer to him. The man who called after the alphas is the cashier from the gas station and he kneels to the ground beside Dean.

His ears are ringing and at first, he can only see the other man’s lips moving but doesn’t understand any words.

“Are you okay?”

Dean’s head falls back against the brick wall and he finally catches his breath again. He nods a couple of times while he pulls his knees close to his chest.

“I called the police, they’re gonna be here any minute.”

Again, Dean just nods and stares ahead of him. When the cashier touches his shoulder, he flinches away and crawls a few meters to the side.

“It’s okay,” the guy says, raising his hands and slowly walking backward a few steps, “It’s okay, you’re safe now. I won’t hurt you.”

It doesn’t calm him down and he starts bobbing forth and back, his whole body shaking. His mind is completely blank, there is absolutely nothing but his own unsteady breathing that echoes in his ears.

The cashier, a beta, kneels in front of him again but keeps a few feet distance between them. “My name is Steve,” he says, “everything’s going to be fine. Can I get you something? To drink? Or to eat? Should I call someone?”

Dean shakes his head but eventually looks up to the guy who saved him. The man has dark hair and blue eyes and somehow reminds him of Cas. He starts crying again because he has no idea what to do now.

The police arrives and they ask him a bunch of questions, but the omega can’t open his mouth much. He refuses to go to the hospital, already tensing up at the thought of doctors poking on him, and also refuses to follow Sheriff Jody Mills to the precinct. All he wants is a hot shower and a bed. He can still smell the disgusting scent on his skin and he throws up next to the police car twice before the Sheriff puts him in the back seat.

“We’re gonna bring you home,” she says and Dean nods while he sees the lights of the gas station fade away in the distance.

 

They pull into the driveway of the Novak house far quicker than Dean would’ve thought and he almost hides behind the Sheriff when she rings the bell. The lights are on inside so he assumes that everyone already knows about his disappearance. The door opens and Michael lets them in, looking more than just slightly startled by the night's activity. Naomi, Anna, Luke, and Cas wait in the living room and when they see Dean he notices several different reactions. There is relief, but also anger and shock. He sits down on the big couch and watches how Sheriff Mills explains the situation. He doesn’t even listen, but by the expressions on their faces, she tells them about the attempted rape.

Dean is still clinging to his knees, pulling them in as close a possible and digging his nails into the skin. He just watches. How Anna covers her mouth with her hand, how Naomi walks up and down and talks with the Sheriff. He watches how Michael and Luke stand on the other side of the room and listen closely to what they get told, and he watches Cas, his husband, standing by the fireplace looking straight at him with wide eyes and an open mouth.

“Come into the precinct tomorrow if you want to make a charge against persons unknown,” Jody Mills says when she is about to leave five minutes later. She turns to Dean one last time and smiles sympathetically. “I hope you get some rest this night.”

When the door closes behind her, everything becomes quiet for a moment. Dean still sits on the couch and four pairs of eyes watch him rocking forth and back.

“This is horrible. I can’t even begin to understand how you must feel now,” Anna says and sits down next to him. He shies away.

Michael breathes deeply and starts walking up and down in front of Dean. “This is indeed a disaster. But what were you thinking? Running away, s _tealing_ from us? After everything we’ve done for you?”

“Did you even think about your pup for one second?” Naomi almost shouts, “You could’ve got hurt, the pup could’ve got hurt!” She stands right in front of him now but Dean doesn’t look up, he doesn’t look at anybody, just lets them shower him with their lectures. “I’m going to make an appointment with the doctor. We need to know if the pup is fine.”

They all start talking loudly, accusing him, judging him, of everything and nothing. It washes over Dean like waves. He doesn’t listen to one word, all he can think of is the disgusting smell of alpha that still surrounds him. He feels nausea coming up again and he cries silently. There are no tears anymore but inside his head, a waterfall is pouring down.

“This is unacceptable. An omega that runs away from a secure home, trampling on everything that people did for him? No, I won’t tolerate that in this house,” Michael says so loudly that everyone stops talking. “What happened to you is horrific, but you still need to be punished for what you did. It’s an alpha’s right to exert discipline over a wayward omega.”

Dean begins to sob. It’s actually more laughing than crying because he expected to be punished anyway. _Just do it. As long as you don_ _’t hurt my kid, do it. Lock me up, it wouldn’t change anything anyway._

“That’s my responsibility.”

It’s the first time that he hears Cas’ voice this night. The alpha still stands at the fireplace and his eyes are still fixed on Dean. The blue orbs pierce into his and the man’s disturbing scent makes Dean’s nose twitch.

“I’m Dean’s husband, I’m his alpha, so _I_ will decide which action is appropriate.”

Michael nods and steps to the side. “You’re right.”

Cas walks past the others and to Dean, only stopping short in front of him. “Come with me,” he says, looking down on him.

At first, Dean thinks about refusing, about staying on this couch forever, but he knows that it won’t help anything. He follows his husband up the stairs and towards their room.

_Our room._

He laughs at the thought. He said goodbye to all of this and now he’s back. But right now he can’t try to fully realize what it might mean to be back in this house because his mind is overpowered; by fear of what will come once the door closes behind him and by the disgust of his own body that reeks of sweat and dirt and alpha arousal. He wants to crawl out of his skin or scrub it with wire wool.

Cas motions for him to sit down on the bed and the alpha closes the door. Dean shuts his eyes and listens to the other man’s steps on the wooden floor. He anticipates pain or yelling, anything actually, but when he hears a loud thud in front of him, he opens his eyes to his husband kneeling at his feet with tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

 

 **********

 

 

Castiel sinks to the floor. His legs won’t hold him up any longer at the sight of his mate’s frightened posture. “I’m sorry, Dean,” he says through sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

When the sound of the Impala’s engine jolted him from his sleep that night, the alpha first assumed to hear a neighbor’s car, but looking out of the window to see Dean’s car driving off into the night made his heart sink. He rushed downstairs and into the garage to see the gate open, then into the guest room to find it empty. His husband was gone. The others heard the loud roar too and came down to the living room to see what’s up. “He’s gone,” he said.

_I could_ _’ve lost him._

Of course Dean ran away from him. The omega never wanted this mating and marriage anyway and no matter how hard Castiel tried to leave him alone, to go out of his way so that the blond man wouldn’t have to deal with him, it wasn’t enough. The alpha smelled it every day. Whenever Dean was close to him, the omega’s sweet, leathery smell would turn sour and distressed and all just because he couldn’t stand being near the man who got him pregnant and forced him into a marriage. Dean hates him and Castiel can’t blame his mate.

And now this strong man sits on their shared bed after what must’ve been the most horrific night of his life and is frightened to get punished by him. The alpha looks at his mate, at the way the tall man curls himself, his broad shoulder hanging down and his face covered in tears. Castiel is in pain knowing that he is the one who forced Dean to run away and get hurt on the way.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.”

He sobs and cries, more than he has in years, but he’s got to compose himself. Dean nearly got raped, he has every right to cry, but Castiel doesn’t. He’s got to be strong now and make this right. He looks up into the other man’s eyes and is greeted by a pale, emotionless face. The beautiful features, the mesmerizing green eyes, they look like a poor imitation of his husband.

“I know that nothing I say can make it better right now. But please talk to me, Dean,” Castiel says. He rests a hand on the omega’s knee and Dean immediately shies away, crawls further onto the mattress and away from him. “It’s okay. I won’t touch you. I will never touch you again if you don’t want to.”

Castiel has done everything wrong, right from the beginning. He thought they could manage to deal with the situation but it’s not as easy. And now he understands just how much Dean must hate him.

He looks at Dean for some moments and tries to find the right words to say. He watches how the omega keeps staring back while scratching his arms the whole time. The movements get stronger and more forced by the second and at some point, it looks like Dean is trying to scratch the skin from his body.

“Stop!” Castiel yells and grabs the other man’s wrists. Dean struggles and fights, but Cas keeps his hands wrapped around his mate’s forearms. “Stop it, Dean!”

The tall man starts to sob and Castiel wants to cry himself at the sight and at the pungent smell of hurt and distress. It is the worst pain to see Dean like this.

“Do you want a shower?” he asks and the omega nods after a second of hesitation.

Castiel loosens his grip and lets Dean stand up from the bed. His steps are unsteady and shaky but he manages to walk over to the bathroom by himself.

“I will prepare the bed for you. Don’t worry, I will sleep on the couch,” he says, motioning to the small two-seater at the window, “or in the guest room if you like that better.”

Dean doesn’t react, he just keeps walking until he closes the door behind himself and Castiel can hear the lock being turned. It’s an agonizing time of waiting, mostly spent with walking up and down in front of the bathroom door, listening for any form of sound from Dean. But there’s only the water and Castiel sighs. He sits down on the mattress and tears at his hair.

“What am I gonna do?” he asks himself over and over again. How is he supposed to ever make this right? Does Dean want to go again? Does he want to leave him forever? How can he possibly stay away from his mate even more? Dean never wanted this and Castiel failed to give his mate enough space. And now his husband, the man who carries his child and with whom he planned to have a family is hurting so much that he rather drove off in the middle of the night than staying one more day around him.

A loud thud interrupts his thoughts and Castiel is immediately up on his feet. He runs over to the bathroom door and the extreme smell of distress almost blinds him.

“Dean?” he yells and pounds against the door. “Dean? Are you alright?”

When he gets no reaction, Castiel’s heart starts racing. The fear builds up as he pounds against the door again and again. “Dean?” His mind goes blank and his eyes become red and then Cas is kicking at the door with everything he’s got. The lock cracks and he runs into the bathroom to find Dean curled up in the shower, sobbing and trembling. The alpha rushes to his mate’s side but the scalding hot water makes him back off.

“Shit, Dean, why did you - ” He turns the water off, grabs a big towel and wraps it around Dean’s body still lying on the tiles of the shower.

Castiel sits down next to him and pulls the omega into his lap, carefully resting the man’s head on his chest. “It’s okay, Dean, it’s going to be okay.”

He rocks them forth and back, just like Dean did the whole evening and at some point - it might be minutes or an hour later - the blond man stops shaking and his exhausted body goes still and heavy in Castiel’s arms.

“It’s okay, Dean, you’re safe. I’m here. Nothing’s gonna happen to you, I promise.”

It takes another few minutes until Dean seems to be calm enough to stand up. Castiel supports him the whole way back into the bedroom and lays him down on the bed. He quickly fetches a pair of boxers, sweats and a t-shirt, and when Dean struggles to dress - his body too exhausted to even lift the clothes - he helps his mate and tucks him in. The alpha waits at the foot of the bed until Dean falls asleep and watches his mate’s breathing become regular and his face relax. Castiel sighs and runs a hand down his face, wiping away tears on the way. He keeps staring at the blistered wound where his mating bite should’ve been and swallows at the thought that Dean might have done this to himself.

“I can’t turn back time, I can’t undo the situation we’re in,” Castiel whispers. “But I swear to do everything in my power to make it up to you.”

He curls up on the small couch with a thin blanket and watches the bed the whole night. The sun is about to rise when he finally falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- depression  
> \- self-harm  
> \- attempted rape  
> \- trauma
> 
> Phew, I know, this one was tough. I swear, it was pretty hard to write, but I still loved doing it. For the future: those two won't fall in love overnight and not everything's gonna be happy and good from now on. But Dean and Cas definitely are in a position now where they both agree that maybe it's time to have a talk.
> 
> Let me know what you think of it and have a nice start into the new week <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I'm back with a new chapter this week. After the trauma of last chapter's events, things are gonna change. But as we're dealing with Dean and Cas, they need time to arrange with the situation and rather slowly deal with their problems. I hope you enjoy this update.
> 
> I feel like I should really thank all of you now. I never imagined so many people to read this story and to get such nice and motivating comments. Really, I needed that a lot and I literally had tears in my eyes. So thank you all for reading, leaving kudos and writing comments. You are amazing! <3
> 
> Warnings in the end notes.

When Dean opens his eyes the next morning, the first thing he notices is sunlight glaring through the window and he has to shield his eyes as he blinks a few times to fully wake up. The second thing he notices is the tight shirt and rather lose sweats he’s wearing and with a confused expression, he takes a look around the room to figure out what’s going on. He sees a pillow and blanket folded on the small couch on the other side of the room, then he glances at the bathroom and spots pieces of wood lying on the floor under an obviously broken door lock. Dean’s chest constricts and he pulls the sheets over his head, focusing on nothing but his breathing to fight against the images from last night rolling over him. It doesn’t work. Everything comes back; from the cold breeze to the acid smell and the pain of his face being pressed against bricks. He closes his eyes as tightly as he can and tells himself it was all a dream, it didn’t happen, but Dean knows pretty well that he can’t fool himself like this. He ran away, he stopped at a gas station and nearly got raped. And now he’s back in this house, in this bedroom, and apparently in this life.

The wooden floor creaks and Dean jolts from under the sheets to see Cas coming in with a tray.

“Oh, you’re up. I just wanted to bring you something to eat,” the alpha says. He sets the tray down on his side of the bed and walks a few steps backward then. “I made bacon and pancakes and freshly pressed orange juice. I hope it tastes alright. I had to throw away a bunch of pancakes, cause they burned. I’m not good at cooking,” he goes on and scratches his head.

Dean looks at the steaming food on the plates but it doesn’t fill him with joy like it normally would under different circumstances. He turns away from Cas and disappears under the sheets again. “Not hungry,” he mumbles.

Cas’ sigh is loud and Dean remembers how the alpha fell down to his knees last night and cried. He remembers how the man apologized and how he held Dean for what felt like hours. It actually surprised him how emotional and devastated Cas was and how openly he showed it.

“You’ve got to eat, it’s already past noon.”

Well, that at least explains why sunlight is shining through the window, but Dean still doesn’t let go of the sheets. “I don’t care.”

The alpha stays silent for a moment before he speaks again. “If not for yourself, do it for the pup. Just a bit.”

Dean sighs and instinctively brushes over his belly with his hand. He emerges from under his shield of sheets and warily glances at Cas as he picks at a slice of bacon. It’s chewy and the pancakes are too sweet, but together with the orange juice it’s at least edible and once Dean starts to fill his mouth with food, he realizes how hungry he was. His face still shows that it’s not the most pleasant meal he’s ever had and Cas looks down at his feet. “I’m sorry.”

 _I_ _’m sorry, Dean, I’m so sorry._

The omega remembers how Cas had repeated those words over and over again last night. He yanks his head around to look at the bathroom door again that Cas kicked in to get to him and hold and comfort him. The rapid movement makes his neck burn with pain.

“Shit,” he says and touches the wound, which only causes more pain.

“Don’t!” Cas yells and is at his side in a second, grabbing his wrist and tearing the hand away from the wound.

The alpha is close, sits on the edge of the mattress and looks at the burn worryingly. “It looks worse then I thought. I would’ve treated it already, but you were sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you. But we should definitely clean and cover it. And if you don’t mind, I’d rather that a doc takes a look at it. I have no idea what such a burning mark does to the gland on the neck.”

Dean looks away while Cas still probes at the wound carefully. He hurt himself and burned away the mating bite. Dean remembers the pain, stinging and intense like nothing he ever felt before. What a stupid move from him. The bond is still intact, he is still mated to Cas, and Dean knew that erasing the bite wouldn’t change it. And still he pressed the hot knife against his skin.

“Can we go check on the pup too?”

The alpha looks up from his ministrations and nods slowly. “Of course. Do you… I mean, does something feel not right?” His face looks calm, but Cas voice and his scent tell that he’s worried as shit.

“No, nothing feels different. Just in case.”

 

Dr. Crowley assures them that the pup is fine, which lets both Dean and Cas sigh loudly with relief. The doctor is worried about the wound, though, because apparently Dean managed to burn deep down and not only on the surface, so it could have damaged the scent gland badly.

“Damage of the mating bite doesn’t harm the mating bond because the biochemical process is already complete, but your scent will definitely tone down and we will have to wait until the wound healed to see the amount of damage on the gland.”

He gets patched up and a prescription for an ointment to help the burn heal better, but after that, Dean and Cas leave the doctor’s office and drive directly to the precinct.

While they wait for Sheriff Mills to call them in, Cas tries to link his fingers with his mate. Dean pulls his hand away. It is a reflex, not even intended, but he doesn’t have the guts to look at his husband and apologize so they keep sitting next to each other without saying a word. Jody Mills calls them in after about ten minutes and they follow her into a small office, away from the hustle and bustle of the precinct. She takes one glance at Cas and then looks back at Dean.

“Are you sure you want him to be here when you give your statement?” she asks.

Dean nods. In fact, he wants Cas to hear every single word of what he is about to say. It’s bad enough that he has to live through this horror night again, has to think back to the greasy ponytail, the dirty jeans and acid smell of alpha as well as the disgusting feeling of a large body pressed against him from behind, but if he has to talk about anyway, he wants Cas to listen closely. He wants Cas to know all the horrific details of what happened to him while he desperately tried to get away from his mate. He wants Cas to feel guilty as hell. Maybe it’s cruel, maybe it’s even unfair, but it’s the only form of payback Dean can think of right now and he needs to let someone feel the pain he’s been through. It won’t turn back time and erase last night, but it makes it easier to not lose his mind while he explains to the Sheriff what happened.

“And what were you doing there in the middle of the night?”

Looking at Cas beside him, Dean swallows and takes a deep breath. “I… I was going on a trip to the west coast and had to stop for gas.” Of course it's a lie, and not only he and Cas seems to notice. But what should he do? Sure, if he tells the Sheriff that he ran away from Cas and his family, she would probably get him away from the Novaks, but omega shelters are rare and overcrowded in a region like Chicago and where can he go instead? He just doesn't know what to do yet, doesn't know how he's supposed to make the right decision for himself and the pup. He already ran away and it ended in a disaster. Dean is scared to try it on his own again and to expose his pup to the cruel world outside. But if he says the truth now, maybe he won't get the time to decide for himself.

Jody Mills has one eyebrow raised as she stares at him for another few seconds before she writes down his statement. “And what about the wound on your neck?”

Dean instinctively covers the patch on the wound with his hand and flinches at the contact. “That was… an accident. In the kitchen. While I was cooking dinner last night.”

It’s obvious that the Sheriff doubts his words but she still types it down after a few seconds of hesitation and Dean continues to explain how he noticed the two men, what they talked about and how the alphas ran after him when he tried to get away. He explains in every detail what he felt and heard and smelled when they pushed him against the brick wall. He describes the wet breath against his skin and the rough fingers around his neck. Dean has to force himself to get the words out, it gets harder and harder by the second, but he keeps talking, keeps explaining what happened to him when he feels Cas hand becoming sweaty and his whole body tensing under the pressure of Dean’s words.

“Was there penetration?” Sheriff Mills asks carefully, a sympathetic expression on her face.

“No, the alphas didn’t get as far because the cashier from the gas station interrupted them.”

The Sheriff nods. “Yes, he already came in this morning to give his statement. He heard you scream and found you behind the building.”

Dean closes his eyes and breathes deeply. His jaw clenches and e has a lump in his throat. It suddenly becomes so clear and real what could’ve happened, no, what _would_ _’ve_ happened if this guy didn’t come to rescue him.

“It’s okay,” Cas says beside him and rubs his lower back, “take your time.”

Dean can hear it in his mate’s voice and smell it from his scent. The alpha is hurting; very much so.

“Do you want some water?” Jody Mills asks.

Not trusting his voice, Dean simply nods and watches how the woman stands up to get him a glass of water. Downing it in just a few sips, he sets the glass down in front of him and watches a drop trailing down the outside. “I- ” Dean clears his throat and tries to compose himself, “I tried to fight them but they pinned me against the wall. They were to strong and no matter how much I struggled, it didn’t help. I was so sure they would rape me behind that gas station and I closed my eyes. I didn’t even care anymore what would happen to me at some point, all I wanted was for my pup to be safe,” a single tear runs down his face and he wraps both arms around his tiny baby bump, “I prayed that they wouldn’t hurt my pup. It scares me so much what they could’ve done to the baby.”

More tears are coming now and Dean bends forwards to sob quietly. _Oh god, they could_ _’ve hurt the pup._

Strong arms pull him in and hold him tight. Cas picks him up like he weighs nothing and puts Dean in his lap so he can nuzzle his mate’s neck. “It’s okay, Dean,” the alpha says and rubs soothing circles on the other man’s back, “it’s okay, the pup is fine and you are safe now.”

Dean lets himself being taken care of at this moment. He presses his eyes close to block out the images of the two bulky men, he digs his nose deeper into the crook of Cas’ neck to erase the memory of stinky alpha smell, and he clutches to his husband’s body to forget about the rough feeling of the cold brick wall.

“Are we done here? I’d like to take him home now.” Cas says to the Sheriff who nods.

“Yes, I think it’s better for him to rest now. Still,” she stands up and hands Dean a card, “call me if you remember something else or even if you just feel like it.”

“Thanks,” Dean mumbles and walks out of the office with his mate supporting him. Once they’re back in the car and Cas starts the engine, the alpha just stares ahead and grips to the steering wheel so tightly, to Dean it looks like he might break it any second. The air fills with scents of hurt, rage, and predominantly despair.

“I will make it up to you, I promise,” Cas says after minutes of silence. His voice is hoarse and wobbly and nothing like the strong, gravelly tone that Dean is used to from him. “I failed at being a mate and a husband. Fuck, I failed at being an alpha. I should’ve been the one to protect you from all of this but instead, it was me who drove you away.” His voice breaks and he takes a deep breath to compose himself. “I can imagine that I’m probably the last person you want to be around right now, but please, I beg you to give me another chance. I can be better, I know it. I don’t ask you to forgive me just yet, but please let me show you that I can make it right.”

The alpha looks at him now and tears make his eyes look even bigger and bluer. Dean stares back and searches in his brain for the right answer. Can he say yes? Can he _trust_ this man and believe that his promise won’t just stay words this time? After all that he’s been through, can he really give this man a second chance?

“I have to think about it,” he says eventually and turns around to look out the window while they drive off.

“Your car is still at the gas station,” Cas says after a while, “Do you want us to get it? I understand if it’s to soon to go back to that place, I just thought you might want to have it back since you probably packed all your stuff into it. But I could also come and get it for you later.”

Dean doesn’t look away from the window. The thought of going back to that place just yet makes his heart race, but he also doesn’t want his Baby to stand there for any longer and he will need some stuff from the trunk anyway. “It’s okay. Let’s get her.”

It’s not okay, not at all. It’s not even like they have to go around the building, to the back where it all happened, but seeing the gas station from the front is enough to freeze Dean on the spot. They park right next to the Impala and Cas waits. The alpha doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t push and just waits for Dean to make the move himself. He slowly opens the door and walks over to his car as quickly as possible, only breathing again when he sits behind the steering wheel. Dean feels the familiar leather of the seats and brushes over the dashboard. He leans back and sighs. This feels like a safe environment and Dean gives himself a few minutes of just sitting there to get some rest. When he looks up again, Cas is staring at him from the other car and without any more hesitation, Dean starts the engine, smiling softly at the roar, and they drive home.

 _Home._ Dean shakes his head and gently pats the steering wheel. _I am home._

Back at the Novak house, They unpack the Impala’s trunk and Cas doesn’t let Dean carry even one of the bags. The alpha puts them all upstairs in their room, but he doesn’t open them, doesn’t ask what’s in them or even for the money that he knows Dean stole. Leaving the duffels unopened, Dean only stores the photos of his family back in the nightstand, lingering on the fading colors with his fingers.

“Who’s that?” Cas asks and Dean looks up to his husband standing a few feet away, watching him with sad eyes.

“My brother,” he replies.

The alpha raises his eyebrows surprised. “I didn’t know you have a brother.”

Dean huffs a laugh and put the photos away, shielding it from the other man’s eyes. “Well, you don’t know anything about me.” He turns around and walks towards the door, closing and locking the door behind himself.

 

They notice that Michael is home from work when the head of the family loudly shouts from downstairs. “Castiel! Dean! Come down!”

From his position on the bed, Dean quickly looks over to Cas on the couch who looks just as confused as himself, and they both walk down to the living room like two students on their way to the principal.

Michael fumes. He walks up and down in front of the fireplace and his usually cold and reserved scent punches Dean in the face as soon as he enters the room. Naomi and Anna sit on the couch, as well as Luke, who doesn’t seem to be very invested in the family’s issues and rather reads a magazine.

“Ah, good, you heard me,” the dark-haired alpha says as he sees Dean and Cas coming down the stairs. “This is a total disaster, the whole neighborhood already knows about Dean’s little trip last night. And even a client asked me about it today.”

“I am sure this is the number one topic in every house around here,” Naomi adds, sipping on her tea.

Michael crosses the room and is now only a few feet away from Dean, who instinctively steps backward and slightly hides behind Cas. He wants to stand up to the man, he wants to show no fear, but right now, the dominant and aggressive alpha scent makes him feel uneasy and frightened.

“Bad enough that you sneaked out of the house, stole our money, and drove off into the night, but you also had to wake up the neighborhood with your stupid car. Now we’re the local subject for gossip.” Michael shouts, his voice hard and rough and carrying over all the hate that he radiates in this moment, “I won’t let you stain this family’s name, defile the reputation of my wife and my son. Listen closely to me now, you will play your part, and if someone asks you about last night, you will tell them you wanted to visit your family in Kansas. It’s a long way, so it’s not unusual to drive off early and Castiel couldn’t come with you because of work. You had to stop at a gas station and got attacked. Nothing happened, you got away and the police brought you home. That’s it, you understand?”

Dean nods slowly and the alpha’s expression calms down at least a little bit.

“And further,” Michael continues, “the wound on your neck comes from the attacker. No one will ever know about your disgraceful behavior.” He runs a hand through his hair, tousling the perfectly combed parting. “A Novak omega running away and burning away his mating bite… I don’t even know what to say. This has never happened before and it sure as hell never will again!”

“That’s enough, Michael!”

Dean is surprised to hear Cas speaking up, to hear his husband actually standing up against his brother. For _him_. It surprises the omega immensely and judging the expression of Naomi, Anna and Michael, he’s not the only one. But this moment of bravery doesn’t last long.

“I’m very disappointed, Castiel,” Michael says, “you better take care of your omega in the future.”

It’s obvious that those words have a huge impact on Castiel and Dean takes one quick glance at the man’s face to see his jaw clenched and his lip trembling. The alpha’s expression clearly shows that he struggles and fights with himself.

The conversation is over when Michael leaves them standing there without getting any sort of reply. Dean doesn’t care, he didn’t feel like opening his mouth anyway. And from that moment on, it’s like everyone pretends that nothing happened at all. They don’t talk about it at dinner that night or the next day. Naomi gives him the evil glare whenever they cross ways, Anna is the portrayal of sympathy and pity, which is even worse to Dean, and Michael simply ignores him altogether. The only person who seems to want to talk about the night he ran away is Cas. But the alpha obviously struggles with finding either the right time or the right words to start the conversation. And although Dean knows that they _have_ to talk, rather sooner than later, he doesn’t begin himself. What is he supposed to say anyway? It’s not his job to explain himself for running away. He stays quiet and stares and walks past Cas whenever they cross paths, probably adding to the alpha’s distress, but if Cas was serious about making it up to Dean and wanting to be a better man, it’s not the omega’s job to start talking.

On Sunday morning, Naomi and Michael are very insistent in holding Dean back from joining them for service.

“It’s better if you stay here this week. Everyone will understand that you went through shock and need time to rest. We will just say you’re not feeling well.”

Her underlying message isn’t particularly subtle, and Dean doubts that she even wanted to keep it down. Not that he likes to go to service anyway.

He can hear Luke sigh when the alpha passes him. “Lucky guy, they would never let me miss church so easily. Believe me, I tried.”

With the others gone, Dean is alone in the house for the very first time. Absolutely no one here to watch him or boss him around. He empties two whole packages of bacon into a pan and waits for it to sizzle. The smell tickles in his nose and Dean takes the crispy stripes into the living room to sit on the couch and zap through the TV. He scrunches his shirt up and scratches his belly.

“Oh, just wait until you can eat bacon,” he whispers and smiles, “There’s so much food to experience in this world.”

Chuckling, he leans back to some random morning show but he can’t really get comfortable and shifts positions every couple of minutes. “Oh fuck it,” he mumbles and stands up.

On the way upstairs, he makes a quick stop in the kitchen to load his arms full of cookies and candy. He slumps down on the bed in his and Cas’ room and keeps watching this ridiculous morning show while stretching out on the king-size. The enormous amount of sweets surrounds him on the mattress and within just a few minutes, he gets tired. Dean yawns and unconsciously grabs for Castiel’s pillow, pressing it tightly against his body and sniffing the intoxicating scent of his mate.

As soon as he realizes what he’s doing, Dean throws the pillow across the room and jumps up from the bed. “Shit!” he yells, stomping his foot down, “shit, shit, shit!” _Why? Why does this even comfort me?_

He knows the answer, of course he does, but Dean has long since been a man who rejects his biology, who fights against the urge no matter how much his body hates him for it. He doesn’t want to be ruled by instinct, by his biochemistry. Scents, bites, it’s all ancient instincts and needs that this society shouldn’t hold so highly anymore. But no matter how often the government tweets about omegas being equal, being welcome in any profession, Dean is still a weak abomination for most people in this country. So of course, reaching out for his mate’s scent so naturally and quickly creeps him out. He doesn’t want to be lulled into the alpha’s fake security. Not again. It’s how everything started after all; with Dean’s hope that people can be different from what stereotypes and life taught him, the hope that everything will turn out good in the end. It didn’t. And even though Cas fell to the ground in front of him, even though he cried and sobbed and apologized, how can Dean be sure that it is really going to change anything this time?

He sighs and falls back on the mattress, the plastic wrapping of the candies crunching under his weight. He presses the heels of his hands on his eyes. It felt so good to have Cas at his side in the night he got attacked, being held in the shower and tucked into bed. But not only then. When Dean woke up yesterday in the middle of the night, bathed in sweat and shaking, Cas pulled him close and let him scent the by now familiar and soothing smell, let him clutch to the alpha’s back as tightly as he could and repeated that everything will be fine over and over again until it was the last thin Dean heard before he fell asleep again. It felt good and right and he needed it more than anything else in that moment, but Dean also knows that it doesn’t have anything to do with real affection. How could it? They don’t know each other at all and being drawn to someone out of pure biochemistry makes him flinch. This mating lets him become less careful in Cas’ presence. And Dean doesn’t want to feel like this anymore, doesn’t want to be vulnerable to others and just wait to get disappointed once again. Why should he trust Cas this time and lay his soul bare for the other man to see? And still, feeling the stress, tension, and fear from the past couple of days wash over him now, he just wants the alpha at his side to hold him.

 

“Dean? Hey, Dean, are you alright?”

Dean jolts awake to the sound of his husband’s voice. “What- Cas?” He looks around quickly and realizes he must’ve fallen asleep. “What time is it?”

“12:30,” the alpha answers and helps him sit up on the bed. “Are you alright?”

Stretching his arms, Dean nods and brushes cookie crumbles and candy wrapping from his clothes. “Yeah, I’m good.” He sits on the edge of the mattress and rubs the sleep out of his eyes. “How was church?”

Cas sighs and sits down next to him, throwing his jacket and tie on the desk chair. “Well, like every week I guess. We prayed for your wellbeing.”

Dean shakes his head and laughs, crossing his legs and leaning against the headboard. He rubs his belly and stares at Cas, who doesn’t take his gaze away either. “As if someone there actually cares about me,” the omega says after a while.

Fidgeting with his hands and  swallowing around the lump in his throat, Cas looks down when he mumbles, “I do.”

“Really? Do you?”

“Of course!” The alpha is obviously shocked at Dean’s word, but is it really such an absurd question with how the last weeks went?

“Or do you just care about me because I carry your child?” Dean has his eyes focused on the other man’s face and watches every little twitch.

Cas’ jaw clenches and there are tears threatening to roll down his face. “You’re more than that to me.”

Dean snorts and lets his head rest against the headboard. “Yeah, sure.”

“I mean it! I -” the alpha sighs and takes a deep breath before he continues, “I know that I failed to show you so far, but it’s true. You’re my _mate_ , Dean, so of course I care about  you a lot and not only because you carry our pup.”

“Why else then? Because your body tells you so? It never bothered you before that I was in distress, you seemed to easily block out my scent when I was freaking the fuck out. You never asked me how I was or what’s wrong. You always ran away, either to work or to school, or even just somewhere else in the house. You couldn’t get far enough from me as it seemed. So why should I believe that you care now?” Dean fists the sheets as he speaks and stares at his husband.

The other man opens his mouth but closes it again and stands up from the mattress to walk up and down in front of their bed. “That’s not - I didn’t _block_ out your scent. It hurt so much to see and smell your pain and distress whenever you were around me. I gave you space, Dean, because you apparently don’t like to be around me. You think I _wanted_ to leave you alone? Not at all! I hated it and I craved your proximity, but you were always angry and hurt around me, so I gave you the space you needed.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? The space I needed? I was hurt because you weren’t there! You weren’t there for me when your family insulted me and treated me like shit. I needed your help and you always ran away! That’s why I was in pain, Cas!”

There is a moment of silence where the two men just stare at each other, both shocked by the other’s words. “What?” Cas asks eventually.

Dean feels the tears running down his cheek again and he wipes them away with the back of his hand. “I couldn’t do all of this anymore because you all treated me either like a slave or if I wasn’t there. I was good enough to cook and to clean and to please you in every other way possible, but never good enough to be asked how I was feeling. Hell, I let you fuck me because I knew you had stress, I made you tea when you were learning for your stupid finals and I never, really _never_ bothered you with anything.” He starts to shake his head and laugh at how unbelievably stupid he was, “Did you even notice any of the things I did for you? How hard I tried to make you happy and please you? For god’s sake, I bought you a Christmas present and I actually thought you’d like it. I should just stop trying, because apparently whatever I do isn’t good enough.”

The alpha is back on the mattress and right in front of Dean immediately and now Cas has tears in his eyes too. “No, oh god, Dean, no, I liked the present. I _loved_ it!”

“You didn’t look thrilled at all.”

The dark-haired shakes his head and runs a hand down his face. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. It wasn’t because of you, Dean, it was because of _me_! I was angry at myself because I didn’t get you anything and you put so much thought into giving me something like this. I really love it, look,” he points to the fish tank and Dean recognizes the items he bought neatly arranged in the water. He didn’t even notice that before.

“I’m so sorry that I made you feel like I wouldn’t like it,” Cas continues, “and in general… Dean, I- I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry.  I’ve been the worst mate on earth and I took for granted what you did for me. Oh god, just the thought that you had sex with so that I…” The alpha starts to breathe heavily and Dean can see and smell that his mate is walking straight into a panic attack.

“Whoa, calm down,” the omega says and puts his hands on either side of his mate’s face, “yes, I let you fuck me because I knew you needed it, but I wouldn’t have done it if I’d be grossed out or really didn’t feel like it.”

Those words seem to calm Cas down, but the alpha still looks sad and hurt when he looks at Dean again. “I fucked up, right?”

“Big time.”

“Is there a chance that you would let me make it up to you?”

Dean sighs and looks away. Can he do it? Can he really give Cas a second chance and try to live with him in this house, building a family and arranging around each other for the rest of their lives? After all, that's what he expected when he said yes at the altar, but can he believe it one more time? At least, Cas seems to be serious, seems to really want to change for Dean. And what would he do otherwise anyway? Where would he go? The thought of going out in the world on his own again, exposing himself and his pup to the mercy of strangers, makes Dean quiver. At least with Cas, he can be sure that his pup will be fine. And _maybe_ they can really make this work and somehow build up a friendly company. That’s all Dean wishes for.

“One chance,” he says eventually and the other man sighs in relief. “But listen, Cas, I won’t take any of your shit anymore.”

“I know, I get it,” Cas answers and nods. The alpha bites his lip and fetches something from his pocket. When he opens his hand, Dean can see the gold band of his wedding ring on his mate’s palm. “I found it on the nightstand in the guest room when I went looking for you the night you… ran away.”

Dean doesn’t take it and just stares at the piece of metal he already forgot. “Yeah, I didn’t have any use for it. I mean, I could’ve sold it, but… I don’t know… I just didn’t want to take it with me.”

Castiel nods again and clears his throat. “I understand,” he pauses and turns the ring in his hand, “You don’t have to wear it for me if you don’t want to. Just… maybe when we’re going outside. I don’t care what the neighbors think, but for Michael and my mother…”

“Right, another scandal for the precious reputation of this family,” Dean snort and crosses his arms. This is exactly what he doesn’t want anymore. This stupid family, especially Michael and Naomi, harassed him enough.

“I know my family can be… difficult,” Cas says.

“Difficult? That’s the word you choose? Assholes, slaveholders, dictators. That are words I would use for them.” Dean can see how the other man flinches at each word, but with how the Novaks treated him, he really doesn’t have a nice word spare for them.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know they were so hard on you.”

The omega snorts. “Yeah, because you weren’t there. Your mother fucking stole my car keys to keep me locked up in this place.”

Cas’ eyes go wide and he gasps. “She did what? Oh god, Dean, I’m so sorry. I had no idea, that’s… I really don’t intend to keep you locked up here and I will make sure that you have the freedom to go whenever and wherever you want.” He sighs and throws his head back, running a hand through his already tousled hair. “This really isn’t how I imagined us to live together.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

“I meant it when I said I will make it up to you, Dean. And I get it that you don’t want to deal with my family, but… for now, I rather not give them any more reasons to get in our ways.”

Dean watches the other man’s face the whole time and squints his eyes when he says, “you’re scared of them.”

“I’m dependent on them!” Cas shouts. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get loud. But, please, it won’t be forever, I promise, just maybe we better play our parts for now.”

The omega sighs but nods eventually. Maybe he can manage to live under the same roof with those people when he has one ally at his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> \- mention/flashback to attempted rape
> 
> They talked!! Of course, they only scratched the surface and are nowhere near having a healthy relationship, but they are both at least not left alone when dealing with their problems. And they will soon learn a lot about and from each other.
> 
> FYI: there's not going to be an update next week, because I'm going to Purgatory Convention in Düsseldorf the next weekend. I'm really excited :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. I'm back after two pretty much up and down weeks. But the Convention was amazing, really. There's no easier way to make friends than going to an spn convention because you at least have one interest in common, right? well, it worked out for me :)
> 
> And after catching up on a lot of sleep (I could easily compete with the Winchesters last weekend) I got to write this chapter (can't believe we're already in chapter 10, guys). It's Cas' POV and I hope you enjoy it. <3

Castiel cuts down his hours at the office a lot, declining the offer to work on a new case with Michael. His brother is obviously not happy about this decision and Castiel actually has sweaty palms when he tells the older alpha. Other than the usual disappointed look and a short “It’s your decision, I can only offer you stepping stones for your career.”, he keeps the comments at bay, though. And because Castiel is more than used to disappointing his family by now, it almost doesn’t sting anymore. _Almost_.

He also skips sessions with his study group and generally only leaves Dean for his classes, reluctantly. The omega’s words still float over him and Castiel takes them seriously. It was _his_ job to take care of Dean, to make sure that the omega could be safe and secure and happy. And he failed. He failed at being a husband, at being a mate, and at being an alpha in general. All he wants now is to do the right things and to build Dean the life he deserves, for their pup to grow up loved and secure, and to maybe have a real chance at developing something with his husband. A friendship, companionship, or whatever else the blond man would be comfortable with is fine with him.

But there’s still the problem that Castiel doesn’t know how exactly to act around his mate, how to gain the other man’s trust, and how to make up for the horrific past weeks. On the first days of this new project, the alpha starts with simply being there and with watching his husband. He follows Dean around the house and watches the man in his daily routine. Each morning, when Dean still snores softly, he reads a book to wait for his mate to wake up; When the omega does their laundry, Castiel carries the basket and awkwardly stands next to the washing machine while Dean fills it; And when Dean lies down on the couch for a nap in the early afternoon, the alpha works on his assignments, sitting in an armchair from where he has good sight on his mate. The blond man’s features twitch in his sleep and it already alerts Castiel that Dean might be having a nightmare again. But then the omega’s face relaxes, his hand rests on his belly and the scent becomes sweet and happy.

This is how he wants Dean to be. Relaxed, a small smile tucking at the perfect lips. Castiel can’t deny himself to think what a lucky man he is to have such a beautiful husband. From the very first moment he saw Dean in the bar he was fascinated. Dean has been so vivid, so sassy and snarky and flirty. The way he bit his lip or winked at the other alphas; the way he talked back to him and pressed him against the brick wall. Castiel shifts in his seat and tries to focus on anything but the omega to get a hold of himself. _Stop it, this is not the right time to get aroused._

He’s got to make sure that Dean gets the confidence back that he once had.

A big part seems to be his family. God, he’s been so stupid, or naive, or simply ignorant. It’s been there the whole time, so obvious and plain in front of him, but he didn’t notice how Michael and his mother treat Dean. When they eat dinner and Michael shoves away his potatoes because Dean used too much salt; when Dean turns up the volume of some rock song on the radio while he does the dishes and the older alpha switches off the device without a word; or how his mother side-eyes the omega. This is wrong, so totally wrong. Sure, Dean is an omega, he is _supposed_ to be submissive and take on the role of a homemaker, but he is supposed to be happy about it. Naomi always seemed to be happy, Anna seems to be happy, but Dean plain and simple isn’t.

Castiel starts to believe that there’s nothing wrong with that. How can he expect Dean to follow this path when it makes him miserable? Because that’s what god indented? Because the bible says male omegas are an abomination? He truly believed that he could save Dean’s soul by marrying and mating him, making him honorable in the sense of faith. But he’s not so sure anymore that it’s been _Dean_ _’s_ soul that needed saving. How can it be God's intention if it only makes people miserable?

Castiel struggles, he struggles a lot. With himself, with his faith, with his family. In the past 24 years of his life, he always thought he knew what was right and what was wrong. But this image begins to crumble and he is afraid to see what’s behind it because it might change everything he built up so far.

Now that he sees how miserable Dean is in his role and how much his family adds to this distress he doesn’t want to keep quiet anymore. He wants to move when Michael turns off the radio, he wants to speak up when they insult Dean. But he doesn’t. He can’t move and he can’t speak, it’s like his body doesn’t allow him to. He owes his family everything, but he now is also responsible for Dean and owes the man to at least try. He wants to and he will try to be better. One step at a time.

 

Castiel tries to work on the things he can directly influence, like making the day easier for Dean. He’s a law school student for god’s sake, it can’t be too difficult to do the laundry or cook breakfast. Well, apparently, it is. When the first load of laundry is dry and feels scratchy and rough, not at all like when Dean does it, he sits in front of the machine for minutes, searching through internet forums what could’ve gone wrong.

“You forgot to use fabric softener.”

Castiel yanks his head around to see Dean standing over him, a small smile on his face and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Oh,” the alpha nods and searches the cabinets for something called fabric softener but Dean is quicker and hands him a colorful bottle.

“Here,” he says and puts the clothes back in the machine, “you just add it to the other chamber. But don’t use too much or it’ll feel sticky in the end.”

Castiel nods and follows his husband's instructions, trying to memorize all steps. When the machine starts to rumble, Dean turns away and walks towards the kitchen, yawning.

“Why did you do the laundry anyway?” he asks.

“So you didn’t have to do it,” the alpha answers with a shrug.

He stands in the doorway to the kitchen and watches how Dean stops in the middle of the room to see bacon, toast and orange juice already on a tray.

“And you did that too?”

Castiel nods.

“Why?” The omega scrunches his face and actually seems to be surprised.

“So you didn’t have to do it,” Castiel repeats. Really, it’s a stupid answer, but it’s the truth.

Dean chuckles, “Yeah, I got that, but why? It’s my job here to make breakfast and do the laundry.”

“I don’t want you to strain yourself.”

The smile vanishes from Dean’s face and the omega puts the glass of juice he was just about to sip from back down on the counter. “Yeah, right, because of the pup,” he rolls his eyes, “I’m three months pregnant, Cas, not invalid. I really hate it when people think I’m incapable of doing stuff, you know?”

“I really didn’t… I didn’t mean it like that.” Castiel runs a hand down his face. _Great_. Will he ever not say the wrong things? “I don’t think you’re incapable of anything, Dean. I just thought… I don’t know, maybe you could use the free time for something else.”

Dean snorts. “For what? Rewatching Orange is the new Black for the second time? I’ve got nothing else to do! I’m already at the point where I watch cat videos on youtube because I’m so bored.”

The alpha sighs. “I’m sorry.”

“Dude, you’ve got to stop apologizing for everything, I can’t take it anymore,” Dean says and takes the tray to walk towards the stairs, “I’m rather bored than…” he stops mid-sentence and swallows.

“Than what?” Castiel asks, head tilted to the side.

“Nothing. Just… nothing, it’s fine. I’m gonna eat this now and I hope it tastes better than last time.”

Castiel is left alone in the kitchen and wonders how he’ll ever be able to get Dean to open up to him.

The alpha’s next project to improve their relationship and Dean’s life is to buy a new laptop and tablet for his mate so that the other man doesn’t have to ask for his own anymore. The reaction Castiel gets is not as enthusiastic as he’s expected and he wonders if maybe Dean prefers a different brand. He also buys a variety of books of practically every genre, and a heating blanket when Dean mentions pain in the back. In general, Castiel spends a lot of time in stores over the next days or on google reading about 15 weeks pregnancy symptoms. He wants to be prepared for whatever Dean might need. It’s a bit embarrassing when his professor catches him on Amazon in a lecture, but somehow he doesn’t even care that much.

One of the things that he read about is an increased sex drive and he kinda experiences it first hand when he wakes up one morning to the sweet smell of omega arousal and his mate’s morning wood leaving an obvious tent in the sheets. His first instinct is to touch the other man but thankfully his brain catches up fast enough to not do it. He’s not going to touch Dean, he promised, and thinking of what the omega went through, Castiel even feels gross imagining his husband riding him at this moment.

He gets up and quietly rushes to the bathroom, locking the door behind himself. Looking in the mirror, Castiel holds on to the sink and shakes his head. _This is wrong._ No matter how insistent the memories of their first night together is, of their skin sliding against each other and their lips nibbling at every inch of their bodies, he _can_ _’t_ give into this. Dean isn’t an object of lust and he went through hell the last weeks, with him, with his family, with those disgusting alphas at the gas station. It’s not right to imagine the omegas strong arms circling him, those green eyes staring into his, and his hot, wet breath brushing against his skin.

Castiel grunts. “Stop it!” he shouts at his face in the mirror. The pressure inside him builds and everything feels tingly. He can still smell Dean from the other side of the door and it doesn’t help with getting rid of the image of this beautiful man all over him, naked and slick.

Clenching his jaw, he strips out of his clothes and turns on the shower. He steps under the hot spray and flinches at first when water touches his skin. It takes a few moments until he adjusts to the temperature and starts to indulge in the warmth and the pressure surrounding him. The pattering of the water sounds loud in his ears but it doesn’t overpower his thoughts and eventually, he can’t ignore his erection anymore. He is disgusted by himself a little bit because of how good it feels to jack off to his husband’s face rushing through his mind. Castiel has always been proud of his rather controlled and modest sex drive but since he knows Dean, and especially since they are mated, his skin tingles whenever he thinks of the handsome omega. They didn’t have sex in weeks and while Castiel is fine with it, knowing what Dean’s been through, he has to admit that his urges become hard to handle at times.

He comes and bites his bottom lip until he tastes blood to suppress a loud moan. His husband’s name is the only thing that forces through gritted teeth in the aftershocks and when the ringing in his ears subsides he is surrounded by the pattering of the hot spray again.

Castiel washes away the evidence of his activity and composes himself before he - wrapped in a large towel - unlocks the door and steps back into the bedroom. Dean is awake and sits on the bed, fists clenched in the sheets. There are beads of sweat on his forehead and his pupils are lust-blown. When the omega jumps up from the mattress and walks towards him with strong steps, Castiel tenses for a moment, not knowing what Dean is up for. But the blond man walks past him, stopping for a second to take a deep breath, and disappears behind the bathroom door. The lock gets turned rather loudly and less carefully and after a moment of shock, Castiel realizes what this is about. He practically flees his own bedroom, only reaching for the bathrobe to dress, because the thought of his husband jacking off exactly where he himself had an orgasm just minutes ago almost makes him hard again.

They don’t talk about this incident, but it doesn’t stay the only one and Castiel has to admit that he’s going nuts with the constant smell of arousal. Dean seems to be strained too but there is no way that the alpha would ever make a move and offer his mate to take care of it. This would cross a line after everything that happened. But what if the omega needs it just as much as himself and can’t ask for it? How is he supposed to know whether or not Dean wants to be touched or not? It bothers him so much that they still rarely talk.

To improve their relationship, Castiel decides to take Dean out for dinner. Actually, he’s quite surprised that he hasn’t thought of it before, considering they never had a real date. It’s a weird thought that they are married, mated, with a pup on the way, and never had a real date. The night they met was basically more fucking than talking, the coffee they got together in October was just Dean’s plan to tell him about the pregnancy and as such doesn’t count as a date. And after that? They actually never truly were alone. It sounds pathetic and in hindsight very unfair towards Dean, but at least it’s something he can work on.

He makes a reservation for a fancy restaurant and dresses up nicely. His mother and Michael only raise their eyebrows when he offers his arm to Dean and then leaves the house with his husband. Castiel even bought flowers and enthusiastically gives them to Dean but his heart sinks a bit when the omega eyes them warily and puts them in the back seat.

_No need to freak out,_ he tells himself, concentrating on not crashing into a tree on their way downtown.

The food is amazing and while Dean at first picks at his salad, he soon digs into all three fancy courses and even orders a second dessert. But besides telling each other how good everything tastes and how nice the weather has been lately, they still don’t really act like a couple, or friends, or actually even like good acquaintances. It frustrates Castiel, but mostly he struggles with himself for not finding a topic he can talk about. What kind of a husband is he that he doesn’t know one single topic besides their pup to talk to his husband about?

He eventually pays and leaves a generous tip before they make their way home. Dean immediately loosens his tie and disappears in the bathroom. Castiel is left in the middle of the bedroom and awkwardly walks up and down in front of the bed. It’s not like he expected to come home with Dean in his arms, already making out on the way upstairs and falling onto the mattress together, but he also didn’t expect to end the evening like every other day; in silence.

The omega comes into the room again with his pants open and shirt unbuttoned, showing the bulge of their pup growing inside him. He changes into sweats and a t-shirt and sits down on the bed with his back against the headboard.

“Now I’ve got twins,” he exclaims, rubbing his belly, “One real pup and a food baby.”

Castiel undresses too and joins his husband on the bed, who already turned on the TV and scrolls through Netflix’ recommendations. The alpha sighs. He wanted to make a step forward in their relationship, but instead, they remain in the same, undefined place. Opening the drawer of his bedside table to take out the book he started reading, his eyes fall onto an envelope.

“Oh, I totally forgot them.”

Dean looks over at him with an eyebrow raised while Castiel opens the envelope. “I got you something. Wanted to give it to you in the restaurant but I left it here.”

The omega looks even more confused when he takes the credit-card-shaped piece of plastic in his hand. “What’s this?”

“It’s a one-year subscription to the movie theater. You can go whenever you want and watch whatever you like. I put a food and drinks flat-rate on it too, so you can dig into everything they offer.”

Dean sighs. “Thanks, Cas.” He stores the card away and turns his attention back to the screen.

Castiel is, to be honest, slightly irritated. He’d thought that Dean would like this gift, but just like the tablet, the notebook, or the flowers, he stays cold and rather unimpressed.

“You don’t like it,” he says.

“I do, I swear,” comes a very short answer. Dean doesn’t even look at him and keeps scrolling through his watchlist.

“No, you don’t. You didn’t like any of the things I gave to you lately. It’s okay, you don’t have to keep them, I will find other things.”

The omega puts the remote down and turns to Castiel. “Stop it!”

“Stop what?”

“Stop buying random stuff for me. And while you’re at it, stop being all over me.”

Castiel tilts his head to the side and stares at his husband confusedly. “But… but you said you wanted me to be there for you.”

Dean sighs and runs a hand down his face. The omega takes a deep breath and his green eyes bore into Castiel’s. “Look, when I said I wanted you to be there I meant that you should stop avoiding me. But I could hardly breathe this past week. You were all over me, all the time. And every single day you brought me some fancy expensive stuff. I appreciate it, I really do, but it’s too much. Like this dinner today. What was that for?”

The alpha looks away and bites his bottom lip. “You didn’t like it.” Of course, Dean didn’t like it, what did he even think?

A loud groan makes Castiel look up at his husband again. The other man has his hands in his hair and shakes his head.

“This is worse than talking to a child. I _liked_ it, Cas. It was probably the best meal I ever had. But I’m usually not the guy to dress up like this and go out to a fancy restaurant. I’m more of a burger and beer type of guy. Well, minus the beer right now.”

Castiel nods slowly. “I should’ve known that.”

“How could you? You don’t even know anything about me.”

Swallowing, the alpha keeps looking into his husband's eyes. “But I want to.”

Dean’s face scrunches up and he looks confused. “What?”

“I want to know you. I want to know everything about you.”

The omega snorts and turns his head away. “Why?”

Did he really just ask why Castiel wants to know things about his own husband? The alpha watches the other man for a few seconds, trying to figure out what’s going on in Dean’s mind right now before he answers. “Because I like you.”

There's an obvious hint of pink on the omega’s cheek and Castiel notices it even though the blond man tries to hide it by looking down.

“Yeah, sure,” Dean answers with a nervous laughter.

The alpha slowly takes his mates hands, making sure that Dean knows what he is doing, and practically forces him to look him in the eyes. “I do. And before you say anything, it’s not about the pup. Yes, this child is the reason why we’re here now, why we’re mated and married. And yes, the mating probably affects the way I am drawn to you,” he pauses for a moment and makes sure that the other man listens to his next words, “But Dean, I like you because I know that you are a kind man and that you are strong and funny and brave. I don’t need to know your interests or your hobbies to see that. But I want to know them because I am intrigued by you, and fascinated, and to be honest, I’m a bit intimidated too.”

He keeps watching Dean for any form of reaction. And even though the omega doesn’t open his mouth, he obviously thinks hard about what Castiel just said. His face twitches and the dark-haired man can see everything from disbelief to hope in it. His scent is just as confusing and tickles in Castiel’s nose but he keeps looking his husband in the eyes. He needs Dean to know that he means every single word of it.

Clearing his throat, the blond man breaks the moment and takes his hands out of the alpha’s grip, turning around to start something random on the screen. But this time, Castiel doesn’t let it down so easily. Dean might not be comfortable to talk about himself, okay, but they’ve got to start somewhere. He takes the remote and presses pause.

“My name is Castiel James Novak, I’m 24 and a law student from Chicago. I was born on 18th September 1994 in Normal, Illinois, I am mated and married to a beautiful man, and I’m going to be a father this year. I like plants and animals, I go out for a walk when I need to clear my head, and I would really like to have a beehive one day.”

He holds out his hand, sweating in the anticipation and fear that Dean might not take it. And of course, in moments like this time seems to stop and what must’ve actually been a few seconds feels like hours for the alpha but eventually, his mate smiles timidly and shakes the offered hand.

“Nice to meet you, Castiel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slowly but steadily, that's probably the motto for our two guys' relationship at this moment. I promise, more talking, more getting to know each other, and more fluff coming ahead <3
> 
> Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I hope you had a pleasant start into the week. I'm back with chapter 11 (omg, already 11 chapters, what have I done? XD) and hope you really enjoy it <3 Thanks for still being with me, or maybe hello and welcome if you just started coming here. I really appreciate all the love and comments and generally just people being interested in the shit that's going through my mind ;)

Cas talks, Dean asks questions and listens. It’s obvious that the alpha struggles with sharing these stories, that he has a hard time with putting it into words for Dean, but it’s also obvious that the dark-haired man wants to tell all of this to make the effort of letting his mate into his world. While the TV  screen in the background eventually changes to random screensaver pictures, Dean learns the most basic things about his husband’s past.

“My dad died when I was 6. It came suddenly, a stroke. We didn’t find him in time.”

Dean swallows. He knows exactly how it feels. “I’m sorry.”

Cas shakes his head and smiles timidly. “It’s okay, really. I… I don’t actually remember him that well. He never spent much time with me, always locked himself in his office. He was a writer, or rather, thought himself as one. He never published anything, but he probably had more physical contact to his typewriter than to any human being.”

“That sucks.”

“Not really. I mean, yes, it probably would have sucked a lot, but I grew up like that, and I always had my brothers. I was more fixated on them. Actually, the only thing I can remember from the day my dad died is that I played hide and seek with my brothers.”

Dean chuckles at that, the image of the Novak boys playing something together sounds way too silly to him. “Michael and Luke? Playing hide and seek with you? I’d never actually assumed them to be the funny type of brothers.”

Castiel looks to the side for a moment and chews on his bottom lip. “No… not Michael. Luke and Gabriel played with me.” He pauses and stares into the room as if he remembers something, the continues to talk without tearing his eyes away from whatever he’s looking at. “Gabriel is my other older brother… but he moved away years ago.”

In the seconds of silence that follow this sentence, Dean isn’t sure if he should say something. He hadn’t even known that Cas has another brother and since neither the alpha nor his family ever spoke a single word about this Gabriel guy, he assumes it’s going too deep into the emotional and uncomfortable area of stories. Cas will tell him when he wants to, right?

So, instead of saying anything, Dean reaches for the other man’s hand and squeezes it just a moment. Cas looks at him and smiles. It’s one of those unmistakable Cas smiles that doesn’t make his mouth twitch at all, but still radiates some sort of comfort and contentment.

The alpha clears his throat before he talks again. “After my dad died a lot changed. My mom became even more protective - no, _controlling_ \- than before, and believe me, that was hardly possible. Michael just turned eighteen and officially became the new head alpha of the family. It… let’s just say he takes his role pretty serious.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Dean huffs a laugh and thinks back to all the little moments that the lawyer made him feel like shit.

Cas squeezes back the hand that Dean still rests on his mate’s. “I don’t agree with the way that he treats you, okay? I really don’t.”

The omega sighs and rubs his temples. “Let’s… let’s just not talk about this now, huh? I really don’t feel like getting angry.”

“Okay,” comes a whispered answer from the other man.

There’s an awkward moment of silence and while Dean could probably stare into those blue eyes for some more time, he snaps himself out of it and says, “So, Michael turned power-hungry, your mom had her eyes everywhere. What about Luke? Was he always this… well… _passive_?”

“No, actually not,” Cas answers, “he’s the one who probably changed the most. Sometimes I forget that he’s once been a cheerful and happy guy. But he’s been probably the closest with our dad and totally shut himself off after he died, even moved down into the basement eventually. It’s weird, really. That used to be the place where our mom locked us in when we misbehaved.”

Dean’s eyes widen. “She did what?”

“Locked us in,” Cas repeats as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. “She would tag a page in the bible and expect us to read it while we think about our sins. When she’d let us out later, she would ask us for the exact meaning and how it relates to what we’ve done.”

“That’s horrible!” Dean says. He can’t wrap his head around how a mother could ever do this to their child. Not that he had a picture book childhood or anything, but it still sounds horrific in his ears.

And Cas just shrugs. “I guess it was. I wasn’t down there even half as often as my brothers and I don’t really remember it much, but I guess being down there in a barely furnished room that is even less lit has a huge impact on a five-year-old. I couldn’t even read well but since I was taught the bible for years already I could figure out what my mom wanted me to tell her.”

Dean can’t even stop shaking his head anymore at this cruel story. “I swear to God, or Allah, or Cthulhu, this bitch is never going to be alone with our child!”

There's definitely a small smile tugging at Cas’ mouth but it disappears quickly and is replaced with a somewhat sad expression. He nods and breathes in deeply. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to set up such a bad mood with my past.”

“No, it’s okay, it’s not your fault that your family is messed up. Believe me, I can relate.”

The alpha looks at him with a lot of sympathies and maybe a hint of pity and Dean has to look away. He knows that Cas probably waits for him to talk too, to open up and tell some stories about himself and his past. That’s what this was all about after all, right? Cas said he wanted to get to know him and told him about his dad to make it easier for Dean to talk himself. And the omega is honestly glad to know at least a little bit about his husband now. He’d always seen the alpha as a privileged man who owns the world with his status, his money, and his education. A man who has it all and can do whatever he wants to without anyone restricting him; the complete opposite of himself. But the way Cas talks about his family and his past makes it look like maybe he’s not as superior and confident after all.

The alpha keeps looking at Dean while the blond man has a vigorous fight with himself inside his head. Cas doesn’t pressure him, it looks more like an offer, and Dean actually considers taking it. He considers telling the alpha about Sam and his dad and his mom; about his time on the road or his life before that. High school, presenting, all the things that made him who he is and made him ending up right here. When was the last time anyway that he told someone about himself? At least some years and about some things he never talked at all. What will it do anyway? Will it ease the pain and make him feel less guilty, less worthless? Or will it make the other man see him the way he sees himself? He came to this city, this place, to _forget_ about his past, not delve into it again. But there’s a voice inside his head screaming at him to open his mouth, to get it out, and to talk.

_At least talk about Sammy._

His brother doesn’t deserve to be shoved out of his thoughts after already being abandoned.

“You’ve seen the photo of my brother, right?”

Cas nods but otherwise doesn’t react.

Dean takes a deep breath and sighs. “His name is Sam,” the voice cracks when he says that name and just now does the omega realize that it’s probably been years since he last said his brother’s name out loud. Tears form in his eyes and it stings, blurring his view while his jaw tenses. It’s damn hard to keep all the pain and self-hate at bay while thinking about Sam. “He’s gonna turn eighteen this May and - ”

_Oh god, I missed so much of him becoming a man_ _…_

He cracks and bursts into tears. All the plans he had, all the dreams of becoming the man that Sam deserves as a big brother, it comes rushing over him in waves and Dean just can’t stop crying over how much he failed.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Cas’ soothing voice suddenly says into his ears. The alpha pulled him close and lets Dean nuzzle his neck. The omega doesn’t even fight the calming effect of his mate’s scent this time. Anything for washing away the fear of how much his brother might hate him.

The last thing Dean remembers before he falls asleep is Cas tucking him under the sheets and turning off the TV. With the light fading from the screen, the omega closes his eyes and hopes to not dream of Sam.

 

Sunday morning is church time. Dean joins the Novaks again after having missed service last week. He dresses nicely and even puts on the wedding ring, turning it on his finger the whole time as if it itches and burns in place.

Eyes are on him the whole time, or at least he feels like that. When an elderly couple parks next to them in the parking lot and the wife whispers in her husband’s ear; when they walk down the aisle and people everywhere nudge their neighbors to look up. Really, don’t they have more important problems than gossiping about the male omega? Dean tries to shake it off. He doesn’t intend on getting on friendly terms with any of them anyway, so why would he care about their opinion of him anyway? But still, through the whole sermon, he feels on edge and tries to detect what the other people think.

After service, they get approached by a tall, broad-shouldered man in his fifties. He wears a well-fitted suit that doesn’t need a visible price tag to reek of money, and is accompanied by two very beautiful, very fancy, and very silent women. Dean remembers the younger omega as the girl who stared at him on his first visit to this church.

“Michael, Naomi, good to see you,” the man says and shakes Michaels' hand. He doesn’t even acknowledge the presence of Cas or Dean or even Anna and Luke except with a short glance that shouts “stay quiet, foot soldiers”. He even has one eyebrow raised in this specific, superior manner and Dean doesn’t feel bad for going ahead and deciding after just a few seconds that he absolutely doesn’t like this guy.

“Martin, what do you say about the sermon today? Very thoughtful, don’t you think?” Naomi says. She greets both women and they all keep walking towards their cars while the “adults” talk.

“So, you will soon read it in the papers but because we’ve been friends for so long now I thought it would be just right to tell you in person that our sweet Hannah is engaged,” Martin says and adds after a short moment of obviously dramatic pause, “to Richard Roman.”

Dean watches how Naomi’s face twitches - no, it contorts into a terrible grimace - despite her obvious efforts to look neutral. The other people don’t seem to be half as impressed by the statement but it seems that Martin was focused on solely messing up Naomi anyway. The proud bride-to-be looks not as happy as one might expect and the way she looks at both Dean and Cas could easily be interpreted as smugly. There’s definitely something going on that Dean doesn’t get yet, but he sure intends to ask Cas later.

“We send out invitations to the engagement party soon. You _must_ come, it wouldn’t be the same without all of you,” the other woman, probably Mrs. Martin Douchebag, says.

It takes all of Dean’s strength to not lose composure and start to laugh because this conversation is ridiculously stereotyped in a suburbs-conspiracy way. It gets even worse when Naomi answers with “Of course we wouldn’t dare to miss this joyful event.” Everyone in their small group is either awkward or feels highly superior to the others and really no one seems to bother that the whole content of this talk takes place in between lines. It’s a moment that makes Dean wish for popcorn.

When Martin and his omega entourage leave them and drive off in a very big and very expensive German car, Naomi doesn’t hide anymore that she’s fuming. She snorts and makes a beeline for the cars after throwing daggers at Cas with her eyes. There’s definitely a story behind all of that.

“Wow, they really just wanna have us at the party to show off, right?” Dean mumbles.

Luke huffs a laugh and takes out a cigarette. “You don’t say. They will spare no expenses to make everyone jealous and rub their “big catch” in everybody’s face, especially our mom’s.” The alpha pulls on his cigarette and blows the smoke up in the air. “Oh, and by the way, I will either be extremely busy on that day or suffer from unbearable headaches. It’s your choice how you’ll excuse my absence on that pretentious party.”

 

Back at the house, Dean starts to prepare cupcakes for Naomi’s Sunday coffee gathering with the church ladies. He was more than surprised when she honestly made a compliment about his baking skills. Or at least he hopes it was meant as a compliment, “Your pies aren’t as bad as I expected, could you make some cupcakes for my party?” sounded nicer than most she ever said to him.

He has to stretch to reach the muffin tin on top of the cupboard and just when his fingers touch the metal Cas is at his side.

“Wait, I got this, Dean.”

“You know, I’m actually taller than you,” Dean grins and reaches for the tin now in Cas hands, but the alpha holds it away.

“Yes, but you shouldn’t strain yourself. I saw you rubbing your back a couple of times today. Are you in pain?”

Dean indeed feels a little sting in his back after sitting on the hard benches in the church and shifting his weight from one ass cheek to the other. But that doesn’t make him incapable of reaching for a muffin tray. “Dude, I’m pregnant, not invalid.”

Cas holds his hands up - or better, shields himself with the tray - and looks as innocent as possible. “I know, I know. But still, maybe you should lay down for a while. Can I help with something?”

Dean snorts. “You wanna help with baking? _You,_ Mr. I-would-even-burn-orange-juice?”

“Hey, I’m not _that_ bad,” Cas pouts, “And I learned quite a bit lately about not setting the kitchen on fire.” It’s a ridiculously unfamiliar expression on the alpha’s face and Dean has to admit that it almost looks cute.

He tries to copy the pout and presses his hands on his hips. “Yeah, I know, I served as a guinea pig for your cooking attempts, remember?”

Dean grabs for the muffin tray again but Cas holds it out of reach, making the omega lean closer and tickle the other man to fetch it out of his hand.

Cas twitches and his face scrunches up. “Stop it!”

But this reaction all the more motivates Dean to tickle his husband. He doesn’t even stop when the tin falls to the ground with a loud clash because Cas’ face is just too much fun to watch. His blue eyes disappear completely as he squints and his face shows so many wrinkles of pure laughter; his mouth twitches and turns into a gummy smile. Dean can’t help but laugh himself at the image.

“Castiel!” Michaels voice almost echoes through the kitchen and Cas’ red face looks shocked as he jumps back and tries to compose himself. “Would you please join me in the library for a moment? Now!”

Dean watches his mate walk towards his brother and follow the obviously angry alpha into the library. The double doors close silently and the omega is left alone in the kitchen, picking up the muffin tray and wondering what is going on in the other room right now. He hears no screams, no argument or basically any other sign of human interaction, but that doesn’t mean that Michael is nice to Cas right now.

Because he can’t really do anything else - and walking into the library to maybe help Cas is absolutely no option at all - Dean goes back to making those cupcakes. He doesn’t see his mate for quite a while and by the look on the dark-haired man’s face when he eventually comes out of the library and straightly walks outside the garden door, the talk didn’t turn out well. Dean eventually finds him in the backyard, one foot tapping the thin ice on the pond’s surface.

“You’re gonna catch a cold out here,” he says and stands beside his husband, watching how cracks form in the ice.

Cas doesn’t even look up when he answers, “I’m fine.”

Dean sighs and turns to his mate. The alpha’s shoulders hang down, his skin is pale and his scent is pungent. “Your not. We’re mates, remember? I can smell it when you’re upset.”

“Go inside, Dean, it’s okay.”

Even Cas’ voice sounds nothing like the strong gravel he’s used to and slowly, Dean begins to worry. “What did Michael do? Scold you for laughing and acting like a child with your husband?”

This time, the dark-haired man doesn’t say anything at all but it’s enough of an answer for Dean. He nudges his husband and shivers at how cold the alpha’s skin is. They really better head inside again. “Come on, don’t let yourself be pushed down by the big bad alpha. Barking dogs do not bite, huh?”

“I’m fine!” Cas snarls and turns around to look at Dean. The alpha breathes heavily, his scent stinging in Dean’s nose, but he eventually runs a hand down his face and calms down. With a small smile, he rests his hand on his husband’s shoulder. “I’m really fine, don’t worry.”

He turns around and walks towards the house, leaving Dean alone at the pond, who looks at the hole that Cas kicked into the ice. The omega knows that the smile wasn’t genuine and he doesn’t even need to scent the other man to recognize it now. He’s been able to witness today what his mate looks like when he’s genuinely happy and has fun. Whatever Michael said obviously left an impact on Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo.... I'm actually glad that I managed to finish this chapter and it's probably not as long as I wanted it to be, but I just couldn't motivate myself to add another scene, I'm gonna use that for the next update. I'm feeling a bit down lately and need to force myself to do anything, but this fic was the only thing I could even remotely motivate myself to do today, so yay, fanfictions for the win! <3
> 
> Have a lovely week and hopefully "see" you next update xoxo


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody! Yes, I'm really back with a new chapter. Sorry it took me longer, but well, it's been just that kind of time lately. Thank you all for your kind comments and generally sticking around to read this story. I really appreciate it.
> 
> A little note for my fellow european friends (and all other people in the world out there): If you haven't heard about the EU copyright development so far, I highly recommend that you inform yourself. It's a serious topic. The OTW made some posts about it too and I just wanna share their link with you: [EU Copyright Development and Fans](https://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/10706)

Castiel knows he’s being a hypocrite. When Dean asks him if he’s fine over and over again and he answers “yes”; when the omega gives him a sympathetic look or gently pats his hand and Castiel shrugs it off. It’s not fair to act like nothing happened when he’s been the one to ask Dean to be more open with him. But telling the truth? No, he sure doesn’t want to upset his husband or risk the barely even existing peace between the omega and his family. So he keeps Michael’s words to himself even though he wants to be honest with Dean.

_“You surprise me, Castiel. It almost seems like you let your husband be the leader in the marriage. I’ve never thought you’d be a weak alpha.”_

It hurt to hear this, but not because of what his big brother thinks of _him_ but of Dean. Castiel has always known that his family had a traditional view on omegas, and to be honest, he did too, but since he met Dean, he can’t think like that anymore. Dean isn’t weak, he isn’t submissive and he sure as hell isn’t dumb. He isn’t the abomination that Sunday school and church always taught him a male omega would be. He is a wonderful human being, and that his family still doesn’t seem to accept the fact that they are equal hurts.

_“You have to set priorities, Castiel. I understand that a mating bond and a marriage require care and attention, but lately, you seemed to forget about important things. Like school, or work. I can only do as much as offer you to work on cases with me and I think I’m being quite generous. A lot of students from your class would die for an opportunity like this. And you put down my offers twice already. All since you decided to stay home with Dean. I’m not judging, I’m just questioning if it’s the right thing to do.”_

It’s not like Castiel isn’t grateful for what his brother does for him. After all, he pays for school and lets him work in the office on prestigious cases. It just doesn’t feel important anymore. For years now, he didn’t have anything in his life besides school and work and church, and suddenly there is a person at home who he is responsible for, someone who makes him smile in the silliest way. Of course, his relationship is far from perfect - if it even can be called a _relationship_ right now - but he still feels happier around Dean than he felt in years. And he didn’t even notice how sad he’s been before he met the omega. So, yes, he has to set priorities, but law school and his brother’s office doesn’t feel like an important one anymore.

_“Look, I only want what is best for you. That is what our father would have wanted me to do. So, take it as my way to show affection when I tell you I won’t tolerate this behavior much longer. Concentrate on your studies, spend more hours at the office. I wouldn’t want to feel like using my contacts at law school to make life easier for you to be a waste of time.”_

Castiel still gets angry and nauseous when he thinks about what Michael told him in the library. It felt like a punch in the face and in the crotch and basically everywhere else at the same time. Thinking back to all the hours and days and weeks he struggled with his classes and his classmates, and knowing that he still had it “easier” than others makes him want to puke.

_“There’s a reason, Castiel, why you always got your favorite classes, always got the easiest assignments, and your professors always had a helpful reading hint on exams for you.”_

It enrages him that the always correct, always judging Michael who looks down on people he considers weaker than himself, so blatantly told him he used his contacts in law school to make it easier for Castiel. And it doesn’t feel like brotherly love in the slightest. It was pure power and manipulation radiating from him at that moment. He did it because he simply could and it makes Castiel sick.

_“I don’t think you want to put more effort and hours into studying and assignments, do you? It would also mean having even less time for Dean and maybe not even passing the exams.”_

But then again, what if Michael hadn’t done it? Would he even manage to pass all those exams? He feels stupid and useless and also deeply irritated.

_“I know this is a lot of new information right now. Take your time, little brother, but I hope you will come to the right decision.”_

The right decision. But what exactly is that? How can he even decide? Castiel wants to spend time with Dean, getting to know his mate and preparing for their pup, because that’s what makes him happy. But he also wants to finish school as soon as possible and with as least effort as possible. It feels like he’s been in school his whole life - and mostly, he truly was - but now he just wants to start working for real, earning money so he can offer Dean everything the omega deserves and become less dependent on Michael and his mother. Right now, even his credit card and everything he owns is basically linked to Michael’s money. So what can he do?

For a few days, he simply doesn’t do anything. Castiel is too much occupied with worrying - and at the same time convincing Dean that there’s nothing to worry about - that he can’t make a decision. He fears his head might explode at some point or at least he’d have to start wearing strong aftershave to hide his scent. The only bright moment is when he and Dean go to the next appointment with Doctor Crowley. The omega is nervous and excited for days because they will be doing another ultrasound picture.

 

“I’m not sure if I should trust all those people on the Internet. They have crazily different “experiences” during their pregnancy. And some just sound like they read about pregnancy in a gloss magazine and never actually had a pup themselves.”

Castiel smirks. Dean making air quotes while balancing a tablet on his lab in the passenger seat is an adorable sight, and since a lot of people told him he does air quotes himself, the alpha can’t help but wonder if his mate picked this quirk up from him.

“You know, not every pregnancy is the same. And Dr. Crowley already told us that as a man you experience things differently from women.”

Dean sighs. “I know. But I still would like to at least have a hint on what to expect in the next weeks. And male omegas are really underrepresented in those forums.”

“It’s going to be fine,” Castiel says and rubs Dean’s shoulder. He noticed the other day that the omega likes this sort of touches. “I actually like the thrill of waiting for certain steps in the pregnancy. It’s like knowing that things will happen and then you’re still amazed and surprised by it.”

“Like what?” Dean asks.

“Like… your small bump. It’s barely visible depending on what you wear, but it still makes the thought of a little human being growing inside your body so much more… _real_. I don’t even know how to describe it, but it amazes me every day.”

Dean rubs his belly and smiles softly. “Yeah, you’re right. I know that it wasn’t there the whole time, but now it’s so normal to have this little bump that I can’t remember how it’s been without.” He rests his hand on his stomach for some more seconds as if he’s waiting for the pup to move. “Although, I’m not really thrilled for the moment I’m too big to see my feet.”

Castiel laughs and looks over to his husband when he parks in front of the doctor’s office. “Don’t worry, that’s what I’m there for. I’ll always tell you how your feet look like.”

 

Dr. Crowley nods the whole time he reads through Dean’s latest blood and urine results. Castiel takes it as a good sign and he can definitely feel his mate’s scent calm down too.

“Everything is how it should be,” the doctor eventually says, “I’m gonna print the ultrasound picture for you and then we’ve gotta talk about some other stuff.”

Dean almost rips the small photo out of the ultrasound assistant’s hand and stares at it for what feels like minutes. But Castiel can’t really judge him because he’s standing right behind his mate, looking over his shoulder to see their pup.

“It really looks like a baby now. A tiny one, but still a baby,” he whispers and clears his throat because no matter how often they sit in this office and see evidence of their pup, it will always make him cry.

“Definitely more than just a blob on a dark background,” Dean answers. The omega gently strokes over the paper and makes sure not to bend any edges. “It’s so weird to think that this is an actual human being made from _you_ and _me_. God, I hope he or she got my looks.”

Castiel chuckles. “Yeah, I hope too.”

“Except maybe your eyes,” Dean shrugs and winks at Castiel, “and your brain of course. That’d make our kid batman. Or women.”

The alpha can’t help but laugh at that. “But your brain wouldn’t be so bad either. And I like green more.”

There’s a cough and Castiel looks up to see Doctor Crowley sitting at his desk with raised eyebrows.

“I really don’t mean to interrupt your cuteness, but we’ve got some other things to talk about and I have patients waiting outside, so…”

Dean blushes and Castiel thinks it’s the most adorable thing ever. “Sorry,” the omega says and dresses properly again. He sits down across from the doctor and still doesn’t let go of the ultrasound picture.

“You’re sixteen weeks along right now, so our next appointment will be the mid-pregnancy check-up which comes with some additional examinations to your usual visits,” Dr. Crowley says and pulls out some papers, “We’re going to make an anatomy scan of the pup, so basically more detailed measurements and examination of major organs for proper development, but also a scan of the placenta’s location. For you, it just means to bring a bit more of time for the appointment.”

He hands them the pages but keeps talking before Castiel even has the chance to read the headline. “The other thing we need to discuss is the upcoming mid-pregnancy heat.”

Dean’s head snaps up and his hands nervously fidget with the paper. “Ehm, so, there’s no way to skip this?”

“I don’t recommend it. There are some ways to shorten the heat, but with your backstory of suppressants I really think it’s better to take it as it comes.”

The omega sighs and bites his lip. Castiel carefully grabs for his mate’s hand and strokes the other man’s skin with his thumb, but Dean pulls it away.

“Look, I haven’t had a heat in… I don’t even know how long, probably 4 years. I actually only had three heats in my entire life and they’ve been _horrible_. I… I don’t think I can handle it right now, not since…” He lets the sentence trail off but Castiel knows exactly what Dean means; _Since I almost got raped._

Dr. Crowley clears his throat, “Yes, of course, I can imagine that a heat is not exactly what you want to go through right now. All I can say is that from a medical point of view, it’s highly recommendable to take the heat as it comes, prepare for it, and make sure that it will be as stress-free as possible,” he points at the pages in Dean’s and Castiel’s hands, “Those papers I gave you have some information on what to expect, but I want to be honest with you. For male omegas, heats are usually more intense than for females and since you haven’t gone through any in years it’s hard to predict how your body will react to it now. I’ve worked with a lot of omegas who discontinued long-term suppressants but it’s been mostly in the context of wanting to have heats for a higher chance of pregnancy. This case is different and you should be aware that it could be a few rough days.”

The doctor seems to notice Dean’s terrified expression and adds, “Please, no need to worry. It’s still a safe and completely normal body reaction. And I’m sure your husband will make sure that you have everything you need to get through it easily.”

As a way to emphasize that he indeed will make sure that Dean has nothing to worry about, Castiel turns to his mate and gives the omega a reassuring smile. “It’s going to be fine,” he whispers and hopes to soothe the other man’s fear a bit.

After a few moments of simply taking in the last minutes of conversation, Dean takes a deep breath an asks, “And when can I expect the heat?”

Dr. Crowley takes a quick look into his notes. “It usually happens between 18 and 22 weeks pregnant, so you still have at least two weeks to prepare. If it didn’t happen before our next appointment in four weeks, we can also talk about it again, otherwise please don’t hesitate to call if there are any other questions.”

Castiel nods and thanks the doctor before they leave the office. It’s biting cold outside and Dean turns up the heater when they are back in the car.

“Uhm, about the heat,” Castiel starts and searches for the right words to approach this topic. He wants to tell Dean that he’s going to be there for him but that he won’t push him into doing anything he’s not comfortable with. The omega doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, though.

“Not now, Cas. I’m really not in the mood,” he says, staring outside the car window.

Castiel thinks for a moment if he should just accept it and try again later but eventually decides to keep pushing. It’s an urgent topic and Dean’s wellbeing and safety is the most important thing right now. “We should really talk about it. I just… I want you to know that I don’t expect you to… well, have me around for the heat if you don’t want to. I would totally understand it if you don’t want me to… you know. I’m still going to be there and care for you. I’ll cook and bring you everything you need. We can buy toys if you need them and… I guess I just want you to know that it’s _your_ decision.”

There’s a long moment of silence until Dean finally turns around to look at him. The omega sighs. “Thanks,” he says quietly.

The blond man runs a hand down his face. Castiel even thinks he saw the hint of tears in his mate’s eyes. “Look, Cas, it’s not like I hate you, or am disgusted by you. I’m really not. In fact… you’re pretty damn hot, okay? And I don’t… I don’t mind you touching me, it feels good sometimes and I definitely need it, but I kinda freak out when I don’t expect you to touch me and it comes unprepared,” he sighs again and swallows around an obvious lump in his throat. “I just… I don’t know if I’m ready yet to have sex again. And it’s not like I didn’t enjoy it when we… well… _did_ it. I simply can’t think about it right now, I don’t want to. And especially with the heat coming up. You have no idea how it feels to be in heat. It’s like losing control over your body and your mind is all blurry, just filled with pure lust and craving and… _need_. I hate it, I hate it so much. And I’ve never had anyone with me for my heats. I know that you wouldn’t hurt me, but I don’t want my body to make the decision for me.”

Castiel nods all through Dean’s explanation. It’s fine for him. He’s even glad that his mate is open enough to tell him all of that. Considering their situation, it’s completely understandable that Dean doesn’t want him to be there for the heat. But he’s still going to do everything in his power to make it as easy and comfortable for the other man as possible. If Cas is honest with himself, he sure hoped to share this occasion with his husband, but even he knows that heats are a pretty intimate thing and need a lot of trust. Trust that he hasn’t gained yet. It still makes him smile that Dean thinks he’s “hot”.

 

Back home, Castiel’s eyes immediately fall on the envelope that lies on the small table next to the entrance door. He picks it up and feels the smooth and thick paper.

“It’s the invitation to Hannah’s engagement party,” Anna says from the living room.

Dean shrugs and joins her on the couch while Castiel stays in the hallway and opens the envelope.

“What’s the matter with her anyway? I mean, she always stares at me like I’m the devil,” Dean says and changes looks between Anna and the alpha, “even more than everyone else. And last time we saw her and her parents, it seemed to me like there’s something going on.”

Castiel slowly walks towards them and sits down in an armchair across from the couch, reading through the invitation. He ignores Anna’s raised eyebrows pointed at him and Dean’s questioning look and continues pretending to read. But eventually, he has to face what he tried to avoid for weeks now.

“It’s _your_ job to tell him,” Anna simply shrugs.

Dean frowns. “Tell me what?”

With a loud and exaggerated sigh, Castiel puts down the letter and shifts to the edge of the seat to look his husband in the eyes. “It’s… it’s a long story,” he starts.

“Well, I’ve got time,” Dean says.

Castiel knew the other man would say exactly these words, so he continues. “Hannah’s parents have been friends with my parents forever. We kinda grew up together since she lives down the street. My mom and her mom always met for coffee in the afternoon and my dad played poker with her father. We went to Sunday school together since I was three and then all the way from pre-school to middle school until my mom took me home for homeschooling in high school.”

“Wait, you’ve been homeschooled? I didn’t even know that.”

“Yes, but that’s another long story. So, I always got along well with Hannah and a few years back I also started noticing that she… well, that she _likes_ me.”

Dean’s eyebrows raise up and he nods. “Oh. I see.”

Castiel nods. “I guess you can imagine the rest. My mom and Michael were thrilled of the thought I would marry her one day. And to be honest,” he takes a quick look at Anna who listens without the slightest sign of judgment, “to be honest, I thought about doing so. Not because I felt that way, but because it was expected of me. I already knew that I… _prefer_ men but it never was a realistic thought to chase after it and until I met you, I never even told anyone.”

The others stay quiet for a while and just stare at him. It makes Castiel uncomfortable, and not only because he wonders what might be going on in their heads right now. He never talked about this topic so openly and never really said out loud that he likes men more than women. Of course his family figured as much when he told them about Dean being pregnant, but the words never crossed his lips before.

“I kinda knew,” Anna says eventually.

Castiel’s head snaps up to look at her with wide eyes. “You did?”

She shrugs and smiles softly at him. “Hannah tried to catch your attention a lot. She dressed up when she came here and once even asked me what kind of hairstyles you like on girls. She’s been quite seductive but you did not once look at her in _that_ way.”

“But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m - ”

“Wait, let me finish,” she interrupts him, “I wasn’t sure of course, but then a year or two ago you and I went for a walk with Jacob near the lake and there was a jogger who stretched on the bench next to our with his shirt off. And the way you sized him up…,” she starts laughing and Castiel blushes.

Dean at least tries to hold back but cracks after a few moments and doubles over with laughter. “Oh man, I can totally imagine it. So, lean, defined joggers are your type?” he says and winks at his mate.

Castiel’s blush gets even redder and spreads to his ears and neck while he hides his face in his hands.

“No, actually the guy looked a lot like you,” Anna says, turned to Dean, “he was kind of broad-shouldered and had freckles all over his upper body.”

All the alpha hears then is a deep chuckle from Dean and he’d like to jump into a hole right here and now. “Stop, please. You two are horrible.”

“Aw, come on, _honey_ ,” Dean says with exaggerated pronunciation, “I’m just curious about what turns you on.”

Castiel stands up and tries to flee to the kitchen, but Dean grabs his wrist. “Hey, stop. I’m sorry. Please stay. I swear I’m gonna behave”

He sits down again slowly and takes a deep breath, scenting the sweet and earthy smell of his mate. It’s nice to see that they can interact like this and Castiel kind of wishes Anna wasn’t here right now so he could just enjoy this moment of sweet intimacy with Dean. But she is here and obviously watches them with a big grin.

“Anyway,” he says and clears his throat, “after the plan to marry Hannah kinda went down the drain when we met and I got you pregnant, her parents were pretty much enraged and stopped talking to my mom and Michael. And now they want to show off with her new fiancé by inviting us to their engagement party. Your name isn’t even in the letter, there’s just “Castiel Novak plus husband”.”

Dean snorts. “I don’t care. I’m going to stuff myself with all the fancy food, sit down in a quiet corner and judge them from a distance. Wanna keep me company?”

It makes Castiel smile and the alpha nods. “Of course I will.”

 

For a day or two, Castiel simply enjoys the time with Dean, he _bathes_ in it every single moment, and the progress they make in their relationship, even though tiny, seems almost touchable for him. It feels amazing when the omega snuggles to him in his sleep at night, and even though it might be instinct rather than a conscious movement, it give him butterflies in his stomach; Or when they go out for grocery shopping and Dean walks closer beside him than before; Or when the omega takes a whole bucket of Ben &Jerry’s ice cream upstairs one night and offers him to a spoon to share. It’s small things, maybe not even relevant or important to some people, but for Castiel, they are exactly what he wants to experience with his mate and make him smile more than he can even remember having smiled in years. But of course, his life doesn’t let him be happy for a long time.

Michael puts down a file in front of him when he sits at the kitchen counter and waits for Dean to come home from a short drive with his Baby.

“What’s that?” he asks but already knows it’s a case before he even opens the file.

“I just got it in and I want you to work on it with the taxes department.”

_Taxes, great._ Castiel almost rolls his eyes before he remembers who he’s dealing with. The taxes and economy department is his least favorite field of law and Michael knows that, so it definitely feels like payback for not taking any cases lately. He quickly browses through the papers but it all looks so boring and he honestly asks himself how he ever liked to study for it. But of course he doesn’t tell his brother.

“Are you in?” Michael asks after a while and his voice sounds anything but open for backtalk.

And suddenly, Castiel realizes that this is what the older alpha was talking about, this is the moment where he has to decide. Rationally, he should focus on his studies, right? If he ever wants to get out of this house, if he ever wants to be able to offer Dean the life he deserves, he needs to finish school. Asap. But ever since he met the handsome, smart omega who showed him what’s right and what’s wrong, becoming a lawyer didn’t feel important anymore. Not that he ever _liked_ it anyway. But even more important than him having fun at work is earning money and becoming less dependent on his brother and mother. It’s got to be his priority right now, or?

But then again, how can he go back to spend all of his time at work and school with a clear conscience when he’s already been through it and saw how it affects his relationship with Dean. Castiel doesn’t want to leave his mate behind anymore.

It’s a battle inside his head between the urge to spend time with his mate and the thought that finishing school and earning money is the only way to make sure that they will have a good life in the long run. He doesn’t want to take longer to finish his degree, that’s for sure, and otherwise, he wouldn’t even be able to give Dean and their pup the life they deserve. All those thoughts running through his mind in seconds make his head hurt. And Michael is still looking at him expectantly.

“Do I really need to repeat myself, Castiel?”

He needs to make a decision and he needs to make it quickly. If there just would be someone to keep Dean happy when he is busy, someone the omega trusts and likes. Anna is a lovely girl and she and Dean get along quite well, but she couldn’t keep him from becoming desperate before, so it’s hard to burden her with this task. Castiel also doubts there are any friends from the last few years, and Dean still keeps quiet about his past. But there’s got to be someone.

His eyes widen when he’s got an idea. Castiel closes the file and smiles at his brother. “I will work on the case.”

Michael seems to be pleased with that answer, hums and walks away. “I’ll see you in the office tomorrow morning then,” he says over his shoulder.

Castiel doesn’t wait any longer before rushing upstairs and starting his computer. It’s an ambitious project and there’s no certainty about successful results with how few pieces of information or even only guesses he’s got, but right now it’s the only thing he can think of. The only way he might be able to please both Dean and his family.

When the search engine pops up, he enters:

_Sam Winchester, Lawrence, Kansas._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't punch me for the cliffhanger! Sorry, but I just couldn't help myself. But now you know that we're gonna see Sam entering the story somewhere in the near future, so be prepared for some changes in the dynamics.
> 
> Love you all, hope you have a nice weekend, and until next update <3<3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Chapter 13 is here and ready to read. I hope you enjoy it. I actually wrote it together with chapter 14 and at some point decided to cut it or it would've gotten out of control. So, good news, I already worked on ch 14 and it's on its way, but it's not completely finished yet. I try to work on it some more today, but my eyelids are slowly becoming heavier.
> 
> Anyway, back to today's update. I wasn't sure if I should put up warnings for this or not. Basically, Dean is thinking about what all happened in the past weeks (good and bad things), but he's having no flashbacks or so.

Seventeen days. Seventeen days since Dean ran away, since he stopped at the gas station, and since he almost…

Seventeen days, that’s two and a half weeks. And it still feels like months ago. Maybe because a lot of things changed since that night. They did, right?

Cas is definitely more attentive and thoughtful. There’s no other word than “kind” to describe his behavior post-incident. Dean likes it. He likes the attention and he likes that Cas offers to listen without pushing too much if he doesn’t want to. Dean likes to feel being cared for, and though it’s a feeling he’s not used to and certainly can be a bit too much at times, it also lifts a heavy weight from his shoulders.

The interaction with Cas’ family - with _his_ family now - has changed too. Michael and Naomi are still cold and strict and more often than not treat him like he’s dirt but that’s nothing he’s not used to. And now, he at least has Cas at his side to keep most of the trouble away. It’s obvious that his mate doesn’t go full-on confrontational with his mom and older brother, but that’s okay for now. As long as Dean doesn’t have to live with their constant harassment, it’s fine. Or at least okay. Anna is still a charming girl and good company, even if it gets harder and harder to imagine her having a relationship with the douchemaster Michael. Dean doesn’t dare to ask her what she’s seeing in him, though. And Luke… well, he’s Luke. There’s not much to tell about the blond alpha living in his parent’s basement anyway. He’s out most of the time or hides downstairs. Dean thinks he might even be able to like the guy from the few interactions they had, but there just is no occasion to delve into a conversation with him.

So, of course Dean is tempted to say his life got better in the short length of time. He doesn’t stand up every morning and wishes to disappear into thin air anymore or hides in the guest room to cry himself to sleep. He arranged with the situation. It’s not perfect, he’s not 100% comfortable and maybe he never will be, but the thought of trying again to make it on his own out there makes him shiver. For now, he feels safe and at least a bit content.

But there’s still this voice inside his head, this nagging feeling throbbing through his mind, telling him to get out, to get away, and first of all to not _trust_ Cas. No matter how nice the alpha is, no matter how easy and relaxed their interactions are lately, Dean is constantly wondering if what he’s feeling is true or just a fog built up by their mating bond. He fears that this current bubble of comfort and security might pop any day and he’s back to the hellhole of loneliness, sadness, and despair.

The voice is quieter when he’s around Cas; when the alpha holds him or rests a hand on his belly at night. And by now, Dean seeks those moments of proximity, even though he hated it at first and still kinda wants to hate it.

Cas isn’t his lover, he’s not his sweetheart or long-time boyfriend. They didn’t fall in love, never even had a chance to get to know each other before being thrown into this relationship. Besides the fact that there is an obvious sexual attraction, not much gives Dean a reason to feel drawn to the other man or to seek his proximity, and still, he does. Because his biology tells him to.

Right after the incident, he thought he would never let anybody touch him again. The sheer thought of someone’s hands on him made his skin tingle; and not in the good way. He shied away from Cas, he tried to build up as much space between them as he possibly could. But not for long. Because when the alpha ran to him and held him in the shower that night, wrapped him in soft sheets and probably watched over him the whole time, it didn’t feel horrible. No, it felt good and it felt right. And by now, Dean has learned to just take it as a gift and simply enjoy the peace it gives him to be with Cas.

He sometimes wonders if the police will ever find those two guys. Seeing them behind bars would be a nice thing. But then again, he doesn’t really want to deal with it; with explaining and describing and _remembering_ what happened that night. He rather suppresses it and keeps on going. It’s hard to forget, though, when he has to clean the wound on his neck regularly. It doesn’t hurt so bad anymore but the deep red scar surely mocks him every time he looks in the mirror. “Look at what you’ve done,” it seems to shout. What if he hadn’t stopped at this gas station that night? What if he had just fueled up and hadn’t gone to the bathroom to burn away his mating bite? Where would he be now and what would he be doing?

A lot of “What if?” questions keep him up at night or tear him from his sleep. Just like now.

The clock on his nightstand shows 5:56 am, blinking every couple of seconds. Dean doesn’t even know when he woke up, only that his busy mind didn’t let him fall asleep again. He sighs and runs a hand down his face. It’s hard to move with Cas holding on to him in a tight grip but with a little bit of wiggling, Dean manages to extract himself out of the other man’s embrace and stands up without waking the alpha. He needs to pee and while he’s already in the bathroom, also decides to take a shower. Being fully awake, he doubts he will fall asleep again anyway.

The hot water feels amazing on his skin. The pattering makes his skin tingle, the heat soothes his sore muscles, and the humidity surrounds him like a thin blanket, covering each and every part of him like a shield. He lets his head hang down and simply enjoys the water pressure for a while, listening to the constant noise echoing from the tiles. The outside world disappears and he is just himself, naked in a river of security and happiness. Just him… and the pup.

Dean carefully rests both hands on his steadily growing belly. It’s not a tiny bump anymore, it’s becoming more obvious that he’s pregnant every single day now. He grabs for the soap and lathers up his body in circles, spreading the fruity scent all over his skin. Dean never would’ve taken himself for a guy who appreciates the scent of soap so much, but he guesses that living in a big ass house with nearly unlimited resources already turned him into a spoiled man. He sure would miss the nice, soft feeling of his skin after a long hot shower, or the fluffy towels he wraps himself into when shutting off the water.

In front of the mirror, Dean stares at his upper body some more, tracing every inch and searching for hints of the transformation through his pregnancy. If he steps closer and concentrates, he even thinks to see a little stretch mark on his pelvis. Sixteen weeks. That’s what the doctor told him how far along he is in the pregnancy. It sounds like nothing and still, the obvious effects can’t be denied.

If he thinks back to how many weeks, months and even _years_ he spent doing… nothing. And now he got pregnant, married, mated, ran away from his new family and came back again. All in the course of sixteen weeks. Soon, he’ll hit halt time in his pregnancy and then it only takes the same amount of time until he lies in a bed in a hospital and welcomes a hopefully healthy little boy or girl in his arms.

Dean already had a handful of those moments where he realized that he’s going to have a pup, which means being a father, which means raising a child. And even though he dealt with those thoughts already, it still hits him like a sack of bricks every single time.

He uses a bit of Cas’ body lotion to slather the dry skin on his upper body and rubs circles around his belly button. For now, he’s fine, he gets up without any dark thought more often than not lately, but who knows what’s going to happen once the baby is born? Will he and Cas still live in this house? Will he be a good dad? What is he supposed to do with his time once the pup needs less attention? And how will he get along with his mate?

Dean knows his mind is racing around all those possibilities and risks again and he shuts them off by splashing ice-cold water on his face. He wraps himself in his white, fluffy bathing robe and slowly opens the door, careful to not make too much noise, only to find the light turned on and Cas sitting on the edge of the mattress, stretching his arms over his head.

“Oh, hey, you’re already up?”

The alpha yawns and rubs his eyes. “Good morning. I was wondering where you went.”

Dean tightens the belt of his robe and steps into the bedroom. “Just taking a shower.”

Cas looks over to his bedside table and scrunches his face. “At 6:17?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep.”

The alpha stops in his movement of standing up and raises an eyebrow at Dean. “A nightmare?”

Dean can see that the other man is even sniffing for any hints of his distress and quickly shakes his head. “No, I just woke up early and couldn’t fall asleep again. I guess I’m not tired anymore.”

“You’re sure everything’s alright?”

Walking past the dark-haired man, the omega nods. “Yes, Cas. I’m fine, no need to worry.”

“I always do,” Cas says.

“I know.” Dean smiles softly at his mate and pats the man’s hand. “I know.”

He picks a pair of boxers and some soft sweats, puts on the most comfy hoodie he can find - which turns out to be Cas’; soft and comfortable but a bit tight around the belly - and sits on the love seat. “Why are _you_ up already anyway?”

Cas sighs. “I’ve got to go to work.” He falls back on the mattress and all Dean hears for a while are grunts and other unhappy noises.

“You haven’t been to work in a while”

“Exactly. So I’ll probably have to spend some time there in the next weeks.” The alpha rolls on his side and looks at Dean. “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you sooner that I’m going to be away from home more often again.”

“It’s fine,” Dean says. Well, “fine” is maybe not the right word, but it’s okay. He can see that Cas is anything but happy with this and it’s not like he can’t find things to do on his own. Yes, there was a time where he was bored and plainly unhappy in this house, and even though he still doesn’t love it here he at least knows that he doesn’t have to just take the harassment anymore. He has an ally, a _friend._

“If something’s bothering you, really, _anything_ , you call me, okay?”

“I will.”

While the other man stands up and gets dressed, Dean lies on his back, legs thrown over the armrest of the couch. He plays with the curtain for a while and just listens to the quiet water sound coming from Cas in the shower. He only side-eyes his husband when the man exits the bathroom only clad in a towel around his waist and disappears in the walk-in-closet. Dean browses Cas’ magazines that he always has on his desk but never seems to actually read. “The hell is this?” he says, flipping through page after page of golf gear and reports on cruisers.

“Huh?” Cas asks as his head pokes up from behind the closet door.

“Didn’t know you’re into golf and yachts.”

The alpha groans. “I’m not. But Michael thinks I need an “appropriate” hobby. For socializing with clients and stuff like that.” He steps out of the closet with his crisp white shirt open and a tie hanging loose around his neck. Dean licks his lips rather unwittingly. He’s got to admit that he has a damn hot husband who looks incredible in a dress shirt and for sure doesn’t have to hide the body underneath. The alpha isn’t even as slim as Dean thought at first. By now he knows that there’s a lot of muscle under the skin of these biceps and a lot of strength in those thighs. And he doesn’t even wants to get started on the hip bones and…

When he notices the other man’s pointed look at his staring, he clears his throat, blushes, and tries to cover his embarrassment by closing the glossy pages of the magazine and putting it aside. “Ah, uhm, okay. I wouldn’t have thought you to be that kind of guy anyway.”

The alpha smirks and looks into the full-length mirror to button up his shirt and fix his tie. “And what kind of guy am I in your imagination?”

Dean shifts on the seat when he sees the mess Cas makes with his tie. He stands up and walks over the few steps to turn the other man around at his shoulder. “First of all, I would’ve taken you for a guy who can tie his tie properly. Seriously, how can you be so bad at this when you wear suits almost every day?” He turns up the other man’s collar and starts all over again, making sure that the knot isn’t too tight.

“I’m not bad at this, I just need more time.” The alpha turns to the mirror again and eyes the result from different angles. “Well, you’re definitely not bad at this. How comes you can do it so quickly?”

Dean raises his eyebrows. “What? Just because I used to live on the street means I don’t know how to tie a tie?”

“No, I didn’t… I mean, I wasn’t implying that -”

The sight of his mate being all flustered makes Dean smile. “Hey, I was just kidding, Cas. I… I actually had a lot of practice. A _long_ time ago, my dad used to wear ties and I fixed them for him.”

Now it’s the alpha’s turn to raise his eyebrows. “Your dad?”

Dean realizes that it’s the first time he ever mentioned that grumpy drunken asshole in front of Cas. “Um, yeah, my dad. But I’m not opening that door now. Or probably ever.” His hands automatically ball in fists at the thought of John Asshole Winchester. Dean can’t even help the hate and rage boiling inside of him. And still, he wonders what his old man is doing these days. He better takes care of Sammy.

All of a sudden, a thumb brushes over his cheek and Cas’ intense blue eyes look at him with sympathy, comfort, and support. Dean exhales slowly and can’t stop himself from slightly leaning against the hand on his face, almost closing his eyes to feel the touch on his skin, but just as abrupt as the moment came it’s gone again and both Cas and Dean step back with red faces.

The dark-haired man hems and looks into the room. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to… I mean, I should’ve said something first and not just -”

This time it’s Dean who grabs for the alpha - his shoulder and not his face, but still an intimate gesture - and smiles softly. “It’s fine, Cas. _I_ _’m_ fine. And… thank you.”

They stare at each other for some more seconds until Cas’ eyes land on the clock on the night stand and he turns around. “I have to go. Sorry. I don’t know when I’m gonna be home tonight, but I will call you from the office.”

“Have a nice day,” Dean answers because he has no idea what else to say.

Cas huffs a laugh. It sounds almost pathetic. “Better wish me luck.”

 

Cas stays true to his word. He calls Dean from his office or from school every day; but he also never knows when he will come home that night either and it sucks. But Dean doesn’t want to be one of those omegas who wait the whole day for their alpha to come home. He kinda wishes he didn’t have that thought when he sees how eagerly Anna waits for Michael every single evening, but it just isn’t what Dean is. So he tries to go out as much as he can and with the money Cas gives him every morning, he can easily spend most of the day outside of the house. He made a plan with Anna who is responsible for which chores and they work together pretty well. Dean stands up together with Cas in the morning, does the laundry, cleans their room and around the house or prepares lunch, and then he’s off.

Driving in his Baby feels like breathing properly again, like drinking water after a walk through the desert or taking a bite of pie after eating only salad for a week. On Monday, he mostly just drives around Chicago and a bit upstate, listening to the sound of the engine and feeling the vibration of the road echoing through his body. He simply reconnects with his beloved Impala, until he notices sitting upright makes him need to pee too often. That damn pup already makes a not so good impression on him.

“You better not be so hard on me, little one, you’re still dependent on me for over eighteen years,” he whispers and smiles when he runs to the third bathroom that day.

Dr. Crowley told him last week that the pup can hear his voice now too, so Dean talks to them as often as he can and sees it as his duty - and as an important part of early childhood development - to sing along to all the tapes in his car. At this point, he wouldn’t even be surprised if the pup’s first words would be “Ramble on”.

On Tuesday, he first joins Anna for a trip to the mall, shopping for clothes for the engagement party they’re bound to attend on Saturday. Dean has to admit that his sister-in-law is a very beautiful woman who can easily outshine a lot of people when she exits the dressing room in a knee-length dress that accentuates her slim body. Even little Jacob looks up at his mommy with wide eyes and grins at her. Since the five-year-old won’t be coming to the party and stays with Anna’s parents for the weekend, he can stroll around the store and doesn’t need to try on dozens of shirts and pants. Dean, unfortunately, isn’t as lucky.

Not much of his clothes seem to fit lately and most of the days, he ends up wearing sweats again. But this event demands something fancy and so Anna drags him into the suits department. The assortment of slacks and dress shirts for pregnant men is… well, it certainly lacks variety. In the end, Dean tries on a few of the maternity pants but scrunches his nose when he looks in the mirror and even Anna has to admit that it doesn’t fit his body well. It’s pretty obvious that fashion industry pictures small, lean men when they think about male omegas and Dean’s jaw clenches. Society still having these ancient and just stupid prejudices about what their gender makes them look like is just too much for him. The good thing about having money - or living with people who can buy you practically anything - is, though, that there’s always another way to reach your goal. For Dean’s specific task here, it means that the nice old tailor working for the store can make enough changes on a regular pair of pants and shirt that Dean can fit into it and he doesn’t have to buy maternity clothes after all. Before they pay at the check-out, though, he still grabs for a few wide shirts and comfy pants. He loves his sweats, but he still wants to wear something else once in a while.

After Anna drives off with Jacob and their purchases, Dean rather spends the rest of the day strolling through the mall. He eats fast food for lunch and even watches a movie in the theater to pass some time. And when he buys his ticket, he has to laugh to himself for a moment because he used to go to the movies a lot when he lived in his car. Only that he never paid for it and seeked it as a place to keep warm and safe on a rainy day. _How life can change_ _…_ And now he is even able to buy popcorn.

It’s not really an interesting movie, but it still keeps him busy for most of the day and when he eventually comes back home, it’s already time to prepare dinner. Jacob helps him with setting the table in the dining room, Anna chops some veggies, and Luke comes into the kitchen for a second to snitch a strawberry from the dessert. They eat alone. Well, technically they’re not alone but Michael and Cas won’t come home until late that night.

Dean doesn’t hear the door opening in the bedroom or the footsteps coming closer, he only feels the mattress moving under Cas weight and then his mate’s arm circling him from behind. The salty and fresh smell surrounding him now makes Dean’s mouth twitch into a small smile and he shifts backwards a bit to have more contact to Cas’ body.

“I’m sorry I missed dinner,” the alpha whispers in his ear.

Dean answers with a low grunt and closes his eyes again. They fall asleep holding on to each other.

 

Wednesday morning, Cas is already on his way out of the door when Dean wakes up. He only hears a whispered “I didn’t want to wake you” followed by a “Have a nice day” before the alpha disappears and Dean turns around to sleep some more. It’s already past nine when he eventually gets up and sleepily walks down in the kitchen to eat toast, drink a glass of juice and stare outside the window while sipping on the glass. The house is empty and he has no idea where everybody went, but he doesn’t care anyway. Taking a quick look at his chore-board he realizes that he doesn’t even have anything to do today and already starts making plans on how to spend the day. Dean takes a long shower, dresses extremely slowly and eats another toast before he ignites the engine of his car and drives off into the cold January morning.

Dean calls it the “lazy day”, not that his other days are pretty productive, but he walks around, sits on a bench watching the lake, and eats his way through all the small food carts he can find around. He even stops at a playground and watches all the little kids play and giggle and run around. And because he’s pregnant, it isn’t even creepy to stop and stare. Dean’s mind wanders around how his own pup might look like. Blue eyes and blond hair? Dark hair and green eyes? As long as a cute little face with chubby cheeks grins up to him in a few months, it’s all going to be alright.

On his way back to his car, Dean comes by a news stand and just scans the headlines. He’s never been particularly interested in what’s going on in the world since there’s just to much crappy people, but maybe in the memory of how eagerly Sammy always waited for their neighbor to bring over his newspaper when he finished it, Dean can’t help but stop and read through a few of the front pages. His eyes land on the date and he has to look twice before his brain seems to catch up.

“Wait, it’s the 24th today?” he murmurs to himself.

It’s his birthday. Dean doesn’t even know what to do with this information, but he ends up buying the paper and keeps on walking towards the Impala. It’s weird, because yesterday he’ already seen that it’s been the 23rd, but his brain didn’t seem to process that it meant today is his birthday.

He sits behind the steering wheel for a while and stares at the numbers. In the last years, his birthday has always been the one day of the year where he sat down and thought back to all the things he did in the year before and realized that he hadn’t even come close to achieving any of the goals he set up a long time ago when he looked at his parents’ home in the rear view mirror. So now, Dean does it again, he recaps his year and already knows that he’s never been further away from what he once wanted to be. He never wanted to have sex again with an alpha, never wanted to marry or mate an alpha, never wanted to end up pregnant and in exactly the same situation he tried to escape when he ran away from home. He doesn’t even know if he should laugh or cry at his naivety but looking down on his belly, he also has to smile. The life he pictured might not be what he has anymore, but that doesn’t necessarily keep him from having a good life. Dean drives home and spends the rest of the afternoon lying on the couch and watching Netflix.

Naomi is the first to come home again but she doesn’t even spare a look at Dean and only grumpily says hello before she makes herself a cup of tea and disappears upstairs. Anna and Jacob are way more cheerful and the five-year-old practically jumps on him when he bursts through the door.

“Hey, Jake, be careful. You don’t want to hurt your cousin, right?” the redhead shouts but the little boy already made sure to not put any pressure on Dean’s belly. He crouches next to him on the love seat and hugs Dean from the side.

“Happy birthday uncle Dean.”

Dean’s eyes widen as he looks over to the kid next to him. He has a lump in his throat and simply stares. Anna comes closer and smiles at them two of them, crouching in front of the couch and looks Dean in the eyes. “Happy birthday, Dean,” she says and kisses his cheek.

It takes a few moments for the blond man to get his feelings under control and swallow to clear his throat. “How… how do you even know it’s my birthday?”

Her smile gets even brighter and she takes Jacob on her lap so they can all fit on the small love seat. “Because I added it to the calendar on my phone. I saw the date when you got your new ID. I’m sorry, I didn’t think of it until the alert went off today. I bought a pie at the bakery in the mall and Jake chose cherry ‘cause he knows it’s your favorite. I thought we could maybe order something and watch a few movies tonight. Or did Cas mention anything he wanted to do with you?”

It’s a bit much of information for Dean to process. Not only that she set up an alert for his birthday but also that she bought a pie and simply thought about all this stuff. And Jacob remembering his favorite flavor. Dean doesn’t even deny that there are tears forming in the corner of his eyes. “That’s… wow, thanks, Anna,” he kisses the little boy who still holds on to him on the head, “and thank you too, Jake. I… I really don’t know what to say. I haven’t celebrated my birthday in… _years_.”

“Well, it’s no real party. Like I said, sorry, I remembered too late. And Michael is out of town until tomorrow, Naomi has other plans for tonight too, so I guess it’s just gonna be the three of us. And Cas of course. Did he say anything about when he’ll be home tonight?”

Dean shakes his head. “I don’t think he’ll be here for dinner. I talked on the phone with him earlier and he’s got an important assignment to do so he’ll be at the library.” The thought of celebrating his birthday for the first time since he ran away from home and not having Cas around makes him sad. But there’s nothing he can do about it anyway and it’s not like it’s of any importance. He went years without having a birthday party, so why would becoming 22 be any difference?

“Hmm…” Anna hums and tilts her head to the side, “I bet he’s gonna surprise you and come home earlier.” She smiles and tries to cheer Dean up a bit but it doesn’t work. The pie works, though, and it’s really delicious.

Thankfully, eating so much sugar doesn’t make Jacob jump around like crazy and soon, Anna brings the five-year-old upstairs and tucks him in. She comes down again to find Dean eating the last crumbs of the pie crust.

“You’re not wasting anything, right?” she laughs and slumps down next to him.

Dean only smiles back and shakes his head as his mouth is still full with the sweet dessert. They zap through the TV for a few minutes and eventually decide to watch some episodes of _Friends_. Anna squeals at Chandler and Monica’s proposal and Dean has to agree that there is hardly another couple he ships more.

They hear steps coming from the stairs and then Naomi’s unmistakable cough, calling them for attention.

“I’m going out now”, she says when they press pause and turn around. Her eyes fall on the empty pie wrapping on the table and she has this typical judging look. “I hope that wasn’t your dinner.”

“No,” Anna answers quickly, “We just celebrated because it’s Dean’s 22nd birthday today.”

Naomi looks a bit taken aback and she simply nods for a few moments. Dean would pay good money to know what’s going on in her head right now. Instead of saying anything, she opens her purse, pulls out a hundred dollar bill and puts it in Dean’s hand resting on the backrest of the couch. As if it’s an afterthought, she pats his cheek and smiles at him. “Happy birthday. Buy yourself something nice with it.”

Without any further words, she turns around, heads towards the door and waves goodbye over her shoulder before she disappears in the garage.

Dean and Anna listen for the engine of her car and for the garage gate to open and close again before they turn back to the screen and press play. The blond man shivers and shakes his head. Naomi’s perfume - or maybe it’s her natural disgusting scent -  is clinging to his skin and he honestly things about taking another shower. “Why is she like that?” he says, more to himself.

Anna answers anyway. “You get used to her. Some things are worth living with difficult relatives.”

“Yeah, like a loving spouse,” Dean huffs.

Anna smile softly and looks at him. “Exactly.”

For a second, Dean thinks about just letting it be, avoiding the question he wanted to ask her for so long now, but eventually, he presses pause again - laughing for a short moment because the screen freezes on Joey biting in a sandwich. “Why?”

Anna scrunches her eyebrows. “Why what?”

“Michael,” Dean clarifies, “honestly, you could do so much better. Was he different when you two met or what?”

The redhead still looks confused but she shrugs and smiles. “No, Michael hasn’t changed at all actually.”

“Then why?”

“Why I’m married to him?”

Dean scratches the back of his neck and nods. “Yeah. I mean, you are kind and funny and loving.”

“He’s all of that too,” Anna answers.

“Uhm, are we talking about the same Michael?”

She huffs a laugh. “I know, Dean. I know what you mean. I’m not stupid, and Michael isn’t perfect. But I love him.”

Dean shakes his head. He can’t believe how much she beams when talking about that asshead. “But he’s superficial and judging and intolerant. And you’re non of that.”

Anna looks down at her lap and Dean bites his tongue. He really didn’t mean to insult her or make her feel bad. He just wants to know how someone can actually love a man that has so many inexcusable flaws. “Sorry, Anna, I didn’t mean to -”

“No,” she interrupts, “It’s fine, Dean. I know how he is. How he can be. I wish I could convince him that some views he has and some things he says aren’t right. But he’s still the man I fell in love with. The man who brought me flowers to my work place every day when we were dating and writes little notes that stick to my mirror when I get up in the morning. He’s not open to others about his romantic side, but it’s there. And I feel privileged to see him like this.”

Dean has to swallow. He’d never expected something like this from Michael. And maybe he understands Anna better now, maybe he can actually accept how she can love him.

“You don’t have to like him. I don’t like you less for not getting along with him. But please know that he doesn’t hate you, okay?”

It’s hard to imagine that the guy doesn’t hate him with the way he treats him but Anna’s bright smile makes him at least accept that they have a loving marriage.

They order pizza and when it’s already way past ten, Dean feels Anna’s head slowly falling down on his shoulder. He wakes her carefully and they decide to call it a night. They both go upstairs and say goodbye and then Dean crawls under the soft sheets of his bed and sighs. He just had kind of a birthday party, even if very tiny. But he had fun and good food and now he tries to stay up to at least see Cas today.

The alpha comes home shortly before midnight and grunts all the way from the bedroom door to the closet. Sliding rather than walking over the wooden floor, he eventually slumps down on his side of the bed and groans. “I had the worst day ever,” he mumbles into the pillow before propping up on his elbows. “Seriously, how are those stupid assignments supposed to help me in the job anyway? They’re simply torture. Yeah, that’s what professors are, torturers.”

Dean turns to his side and looks at his mate. The dark-haired man is mostly just a silhouette in the dim light of the bedside lamp, but his exhaustion is still visible. The omega sits up slightly and starts to massage Cas’ shoulders. A relieved moan is all the alpha can produce for a while and Dean keeps on rubbing and squeezing all the sore muscles in his mate’s body. He slowly works his way down his back and up again, paying attention to every inch.

“Ugh, this feels so good,” Cas grunts constantly, letting his head fall back down on the pillow.

Dean smiles and straddles the other man, massaging until he feels his husband go slack more and more. When he hears a soft snoring coming from the alpha, he has to chuckle and lies down on his side of the bed again after turning out the lamp on Cas’ bedside table. When the clock next to him hits midnight, Dean can’t help but feel sad that he didn’t get to hear a happy birthday from his mate.

 

Cas remembers, though. When Dean wakes up the next morning to the shrill sound of the other man’s alarm it doesn’t take long until the alpha stops dead in his track on the way to the bathroom and turns around with an audible intake of breath. “Oh my god, I forgot your birthday,” he says, the voice shocked like he forgot to shut off the oven before leaving the house. “Shit, Dean, I’m so sorry.” The man is by his side of the bed and crouches to the ground to look Dean in the eyes who still lies on the mattress and only reluctantly opens his eyes.

“It’s fine,” he babbles and waves with his hand to get Cas to stand up and let him go to sleep again.

But the alpha isn’t having any of that. “No! It’s not fine, it’s horrible. Dean, it’s been your _birthday_ yesterday and not only wasn’t I there, not only did I _forget_ , no, you had to comfort _me_ last night. I’m so sorry.”

Dean grunts and turns on his back. No way he’s getting to fall asleep anytime soon anyway. “Cas, it’s really fine. I had pie with Anna and Jake, we ordered pizza and watched Friends. I had a nice evening. You were busy with school, it’s fine.”

Cas stands up and walks up and down in front of the bed, grabbing his hair and breathing heavily. “This is so bad. I’m so bad. I’m gonna make it up to you, I swear.”

Yeah, like Dean hasn’t heard that sentence from the alpha before.

“Shit, I have so much to do at school today. And tomorrow Michael takes me to an important meeting, and -”

“Stop it,” Dean says, finally sitting up and looking at the tousled, disheveled man who’s slowly working himself up into a panic attack. “You gotta get ready. Don’t worry about me, I really had a nice day. And if you wanna do something for me, get me another cherry pie from the bakery in the mall.”

“That’s not enough,” Cas  whines and runs a hand down his face. “Anna can do that, but I’m your husband, your _mate_! I should give you something special, like… I don’t know.” He looks just miserable and Dean stands up - not particularly happy to leave the warmth of the sheets - and walks over to Cas, taking the other man’s face in his hands to force him to stand still and look at him.

“Well, you gave me a pup, that’s something pretty special,” he jokes.

But Cas only whines louder. “I’m serious, Dean. I already failed at Christmas and now on your birthday. I’m the worst mate ever. An alpha should know this stuff.”

“Hey, now listen. You didn’t fail. Well, technically you did, but it’s not important. Giving someone a gift for Christmas and birthdays is about showing them you care. And with how guilty you feel about this you already show me that you care a lot. So, let it go, okay?” He locks eyes with Cas and makes sure that he understands it’s fine.

The alpha’s mouth twitches a bit, then his nose, and finally he nods, even if just a tiny bit.

“Good, and now get dressed and kick some ass in your class,” Dean grins, releasing the other man from his grip.

Cas rushes to the bathroom, then to the closet, and looks like himself again in a little under fifteen minutes. Before he walks out the door, he turns around one more time and has this unmistakable smile on his face that makes Dean smile too. “You’re going to be an amazing father,” Cas says, grinning at the blush he evokes on Dean’s face. “Oh, and I _will_ make it up to you.” With these last words, he’s out of the bedroom and Dean falls back on the mattress, praying that he somehow can fall asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized that not much happened in this chapter... I guess a lot comes in the next one, which I hope to give you tomorrow or Wednesday.
> 
> As always: Have a lovely week, keep safe, care for yourself and simply enjoy whatever you're doing. Love y'all


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ta daaaaa. Yeah, you see right, I'm really already back, just like I said. So this is the chapter that I actually wrote together with the one from yesterday. I'm really happy how I split it because it totally makes sense. And while the last one was a lot of Dean's thoughts, we have way more action and fluff (yay, finally) in this one!
> 
> I hope you like it <3

Whatever Cas plans on doing to “make it up”, Dean has to wait for it, because the alpha is either busy with school or with work for the rest of the week. He does come home at a decent hour, though, so they can at least have dinner together, but the omega suspects that his mate works extra fast to be able to go home earlier. The shadow under his eyes grow steadily and more grunts than actual words come out of his mouth. And instead of using the weekend for relaxing and not doing anything at all, they have to attend an engagement party on Saturday.

Funny thing is, it’s the first time that the whole Novak family feels equally little enthusiastic about going to an event. Naomi throws daggers at Cas and Dean the whole day and they are not even at the party, Michael rolls his eyes - an incredibly _human_ gesture - and Luke starts fake-coughing at the breakfast table. The blond alpha _insists_ on being ill and quickly disappears downstairs. Dean envies the other man a bit for getting away with this but he also kind of wants to hear all the gossip about him at the party. And of course he can’t leave Cas alone with all the assheads there, but that’s just a side issue.

They take two cars, Michael, Anna and Naomi in one, Cas and Dean in the other. Dean wonders why they drive there instead of walking since their destination is at the other end of the street, but by now he is so used to those redundant things that he doesn’t even comment on it anymore. Hannah Johnson and her family live in a spectacular house that even outshines the Novak “residence”. Dean remembers driving past it a couple of times but most of the houses in this neighborhood look so similar that he doesn’t pay much attention to them.

The door opens with a servant - yes, a _servant_ \- taking their coats and showing them the way. Especially Naomi pouts because she not only hoped to bring those people into the family but also used to go here every other day and now feels treated like “scum”.

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson welcome the guests in the living room that is filled with dozens of people. Dean takes a look around and sees old and young, tall and short people, the only thing they share being fancy clothes, dolled up hair, and an artificially pungent smell. He knows his sense of smell has been quite sensitive lately so he can’t help sneezing at the scents surrounding him.

“Bless you,” Cas whispers and steps closer to his side so that his scent is more intense in Dean’s nose and blocks out the other people a bit.

They are only a few feet away from the hosts, who eagerly shake everybody’s hands and grin like idiots when they introduce their daughter’s fiancé. Now that he’s standing almost across from Richard Roman, Dean is fairly sure he’s seen the other man’s face somewhere but he just can’t remember where exactly. He is tall and slim, with a neat haircut and an equally tidy suit. Hannah clings to his arm like a magnet and when she sees Dean and Cas coming their way, she stands up more straight and starts laughing at her boyfriend’s every word.

“Naomi, Michael, good to see you,” the bride-to-be’s father says and kisses Naomi’s cheek. He even holds out his hand for Cas and Dean to shake - far more interaction than the last time they met - and eagerly shoves them to the happy couple standing next to him.

“Dick Roman,” the tall man introduces himself and shakes Cas’ hand.

Dean can’t help mumbling a muffled “I bet you are,” that the guy didn’t hear, but Cas apparently as he gives him a slight nudge in the rib with his elbow.

“Castiel Novak,” the alpha goes on with his greeting, “and this is my husband, Dean.”

Dick’s eyebrows shoot up and he takes a quick look at Hannah before he takes Dean’s hand to shake it too. “Ah, yes, of course. I’ve already heard that there’s a male omega in the neighborhood. Very pleased to meet you.”

Dean pulls back his hand as quickly as possible without coming over as rude. He doesn’t like how the guy is looking at him or how he emphasizes “male omega” like he’s some sort of rare insect or pathetic little creature. Feeling his mate’s hand drawing circles on his lower back soothes his rage, though, and they make a beeline for the buffet.

“Ugh, do they have nothing else here?” Dean asks as he scans the food. It seems like it has been chosen by price and not by taste.

“We can get you something else later, huh? I don’t intend on staying longer than we have to anyway,” Cas answers when he takes a glass of juice from a tray nearby and hands it to Dean who downs it in one go.

They decide to stay a bit off the crowd and find a nice little couch in the entrance area. Every now and then people come over to greet Cas and talk to him about the weather or the wonderful sermon from last week or how beautiful Hannah looks. Cas always smiles, is polite, and nods in the right moments. Usually, those people don’t even pay much attention to Dean, and if they do he can easily play the pregnancy-card and stay seated where he doesn’t have to interact with them so much. One time, Cas leaves him alone to get a new glass of juice and on his way back to the couch, he gets caught by Hannah who immediately engages him the alpha in conversation.

Dean rolls his eyes at Cas pleading look at him. He can’t understand what they’re saying over the noise of the other people, but he watches their interaction and body language with eager. It’s interesting to see how she’s almost throwing herself at him, invading his personal space while laughing and “casually” resting a hand on his chest; how she flutters her eyelashes and giggles exaggeratedly at something he said - which for sure wasn’t funny how Dean knows Cas. Dean fake-gags at how she throws her hair over her shoulder just to pull it back to the front again. Really, it’s so obvious that she’s trying to impress him, maybe making him even jealous or regret his decision to marry Dean. But Cas is just Cas, tilting his head to the side most of the time, politely nodding and smiling at her, several times stepping back to rebuild his personal space, and generally looking anything but interested in the beautiful but pushy, young woman. Since Dean still can’t hear what they are talking about, he starts to interpret it himself and ends up imitating a fake conversation with their voices.

“You look very good tonight,” he whispers in Cas’ deep, gravely voice.

“Oh, haha, thank you. I chose this dress because I wanted to show you what you’re missing out on, haha. I’m going to marry Dick, but actually I want some of yours, haha,” he answers to himself in a chirpy, incredibly high voice that he imagines to be Hannah’s.

This goes on back and forth for several minutes, and thank god no one is close enough to hear him talking to himself like this. But it’s just so much fun and Dean feels like he’s just getting started when Cas suddenly turns around, points at him, and then comes his way with Hannah following him.

“Hi, I’m so glad you could come despite your pregnancy,” she says and Dean wants to give himself a pat on the back for imitating her voice pretty well.

He shakes her hand and grins while also shooting daggers at Cas for bringing her over. “Yes, I wouldn’t want to miss it.”

Hannah sits down next to him and Dean again downs the glass of juice Cas offers him. “You know, we haven’t gotten any chance yet to get to know each other very well. But since we’re both going to be married soon, we should maybe meet up for lunch. At your place or ours. Richard is going to buy a house in the neighborhood so I can stay close to my family. He really grants me all wishes I could have.”

All Dean can do is nod while Hannah goes on talking and talking and talking. Damn, does this girl shut up for one second? In church or earlier that evening she didn’t even look at him, and now in presence of Cas, she acts like she’s Dean’s new best friend. He hates those people.

“Oh, and I really hope to get pregnant as soon as possible after the wedding. Wouldn’t it be nice for our pups to grow up together?”

That’s when Dean is about to lose it. Nope, never ever is he going to allow this woman to be around his pup. He maybe can’t stop family like Naomi or Michael to see his child once in a while, but sure as hell can he keep this woman away. Thankfully, Cas seems to be on the same page as him and quickly empties his own glass.

“Yes, that would be nice. But Hannah, I’m afraid we have to say goodbye now. You have so many lovely guests to give your attention to, and we have to go. Sadly.”

The young woman looks more than confused and Dean just grins. Cas taking control in that way and putting her off is kind of sexy.

“But, I don’t understand,” he stammers.

Cas takes her hands and smiles softly, “We wouldn’t want to miss this party for the world, but it’s been Dean’s birthday this week and we haven’t had an opportunity to celebrate it so far. I bet you understand that I have to cut our visit here short because of that, right?”

She doesn’t seem amused and that alone gives Dean so much satisfaction. They’re out of the door quickly after saying goodbye to Hannah and enter the car to drive the short distance home.

“Wait, we’re not even telling your mom or Michael?” Dean asks when he takes a quick look back at the house.

Cas starts the engine of his BMW and backspaces onto the street. “No. I told Anna when I got you a glass and she will cover for us.”

How easy and confident the alpha says it impresses Dean a bit and he sighs contently. “Good idea, by the way. No one could deny us to celebrate my birthday.”

Already parking under the carport again, Cas turns shuts off the car and opens his door. “Well, it’s only partly been an excuse.”

“Huh?” Dean looks confused and follows his husband into the house and up the stairs to their bedroom. “What do you mean, ‘only partly’?”

“What I said,” Cas answers with a grin and opens the closet. “We should better change, we’re a bit overdressed for the occasion.”

Dean still has no idea what the other man talks about, but then Cas put a big package with an equally big bow on top of it on the bed.

“Happy birthday, Dean.”

Not really knowing what to say or do, the omega slowly lifts the top of the package and immediately smells leather. He looks up at Cas with wide eyes. _This is insane._

“A jacket? You bought me a leather jacket?”

Cas stands a few feet away from him and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. “Um, yeah? Do you like it? Or is it not good? I wasn’t really sure what you would like and I thought you might -”

“I love it,” Dean exclaims when he puts it on. The material is soft and smooth and simply feels great on his skin. The jacket is heavy and has a brownish color with a wide collar.

“Yeah?” Cas asks and smiles.

Dean just nods and looks at himself in the mirror. The dress shirt looks a bit off under the jacket but other than that, he looks and feels stunning.

“It really suits you,” Cas says as he steps next to Dean, “It’s probably a bit tight around the stomach, but I didn’t want to buy a leather jacket at the maternity department which won’t fit you anymore at the end of the year.”

“Thanks,” the omega answers and turns to his mate.

They stare at each other for a moment and both smile until Dean coughs and turns around again. “But the dress shirt doesn’t really go with it.”

After a bit of rummaging, Cas pulls a dark sweater out of the closet. “I bought a few of those. I hope you can wear them for at least another few weeks before they get too tight.”

Dean tries it on and it fits perfectly. “And now?” he asks when they both changed into more casual clothes.

“Now we’re going out for dinner,” Cas says and grins, “don’t forget your car keys,” he adds and is already on his way.

Dean needs a moment to catch up with the other man. “Whoa, wait. You’re taking me out for dinner?” Cas nods. “And we’re taking _my_ car?” Cas nods again.

Stopping in his track on top of the stairs, Dean huffs a laugh and eventually joins his mate in the garage.

The familiar sound of the Impala’s doors opening and closing is like music in his ears. But it’s nothing compared to what this sweet machine has got under the hood.

“Well, I’m curious to see what makes your Baby so special,” Cas says, sitting shotgun.

Dean just grins and puts the key in, ready to turn it around. “Oh, just you wait.” With that, he fires the engine and watches Cas for a second who seems to be quite impressed.

“Where are we going?” Dean asks when the garage gate opens.

“Turn left and follow the street. I’ll guide you.”

 

And so Cas does. Dean just follows the other man’s every direction. They’re going downtown, that’s for sure, and with the heavy traffic of half past seven on a Saturday evening, they need longer than the drive actually is. But Cas stays relaxed and calm at his side; he obviously expected this. They turn right and left and right again, they follow longer and shorter streets, and all the while, the alpha looks at his phone, shielding it from Dean’s eyes.

“It’s on the right side just around that corner,” Cas says eventually and Dean simply nods.

The street ahead of them has one bar or restaurant next to the other, so Dean still has no clue where they’re going to have dinner.

“And where am I supposed to park? The places are crowded, Cas,” he says, looking around for a spot his Baby could fit in.

The dark-haired man points to the right. “There should be a parking lot right here.”

Thankfully, he’s right and Dean can park the Impala in a crowd of other cars. They have to elbow their ways through dozens of people, Cas walking ahead of Dean to guide him and effectively creating enough space so the omega doesn’t even have to shield his baby bump. The end of their journey has finally come when Cas stops in front of an open door.

“A tavern, are you serious?” Dean asks, looking up to the black sunblind that shows the name of the location.

Cas just shrugs. “The fancy restaurant last time wasn’t the right decision. So a tavern it is today. What do you say, wanna join me?” he says and offers his arm for Dean to link with. With a bit of hesitation, the omega takes the offer and they walk inside.

Dean takes a deep breath. Beer, burgers, and a generally musky scent surround him and make him feel a bit lightheaded. He’s been used to this for so long but now he needs a moment to not get overwhelmed by the intensity of the noise and the scents. Dark wooden floors, brick walls and fairy lights along the ceiling give the interior a cozy atmosphere. All sorts of people gather around the bar or in front of the several TVs. There are college students building towers with their empty shot glasses and sports buddies shouting loudly to support their team. A few couples and groups of friends sit around the round tables in the center of the room and talk and laugh and simply have a great time.

Cas and Dean settle for a booth in the quieter back of the tavern and a young, blond waitress takes their orders pretty quickly. The menu is exactly to Dean’s taste with a variety of burgers and savory snacks, definitely not in the lowest price range, but also casual and down-to-earth enough so the omega can enjoy it. He can’t help trying the bacon cheeseburger - it’s been ages since he’s had one of those - with a side of steak fries and extra onions. And because Cas seems to browse the menu a few times too often without deciding on anything, Dean simply takes action and decides for him too.

“He takes the same. But without onions. And with beer. On tap, anything you’ve got.”

Cas doesn’t seem convinced. “I don’t really like beer.”

Sighing, Dean adds, “then maybe a cider? You got that here?”

The waitress lists a few brands and at the alpha’s wide eyes, Dean orders a glass of crisp apple cider.

“I’m not sure I want to drink,” Cas says when the blond woman disappears towards the bar.

“Well, I do. But I can’t,” Dean says and points on his belly, “So you will have to drink for me today.”

It isn’t logical, but Cas seems to take it as enough of a reason and nods.

The first few minutes, they just sit there and don’t really talk to each other. Dean is busy looking around and taking in all the details on the walls and behind the bar. It all looks so familiar. Well, except for the maritime decoration. “This reminds me so much of the place I used to go to a few years ago,” he says eventually and only realizes he’s said it out loud when Cas answers.

“Where was it?”

A bit hesitant if he should share those pieces of information with Cas, Dean fidgets with his fingers. But it’s his husband he’s talking to, the guy he probably spends a big part of his life with, so a little bit of honesty can’t harm, right? “Um, I used to live with my uncle Bobby for a few months. And there was this roadhouse not far away. I could’ve sworn he had a thing going on with the owner, but he always denied it.” Dean has to laugh at the thought of how red Bobby got when he asked him what’s going on between him and Ellen. He sighs. _Bittersweet memories_ _…_

Cas looks at him as if he tries to detect something in his face, and there is this head tilt again too. “You never talk much about your family.”

Dean coughs slightly and covers it by taking a big sip of his coke that luckily arrives at this moment. “Yeah, well, when you’ve been through my shit, you kinda don’t wanna talk about it. And Bobby actually isn’t even my real uncle, although I always saw him almost as a father and… well, anyway, not a good topic for now.”

“I understand,” Cas says and takes a sip from his glass. The alpha keeps staring at him for another minute or two and it kinda makes Dean uncomfortable because those eyes are just incredibly intense. “You know, I wouldn’t go around telling everyone about what you’ve been through,” the alpha adds after a while, “And I can listen pretty good. Especially to stories about chaotic families. You know mine, you know I can relate.”

Dean huffs a laugh. “Yeah, but that’s not even scratching my folks.” He keeps on drinking from his glass and soon has emptied it completely. The waitress is at the table next to them, luckily, and he orders another coke. When he looks back at Cas, the man’s eyes are wide and expectant and Dean really doesn’t know if he wants to delve any further into this territory.

“Look, my mom died when I was 4 and my dad wasn’t really the supportive type of guy after that,” he almost rushes the words out to not hear them himself.

“And Sam?”

The name of his little brother makes Dean sigh. “Sammy is great. He is the best little brother one could ever have. Noisy and overbearingly smart, but great.”

Cas nods and smiles, probably mimicking Dean’s own grin at the memory of Sam.

“You two were pretty close, right?”

Dean looks away and plays with the salt shaker, tipping it over. “Yeah. Very much so. I kinda raised that kid. Turned out not so bad.” A few images of him and his brother pop up in his mind and he needs a few moments to keep the emotions at bay. Dean eventually clears his throat when the waitress with their food. “Can we leave it at that? I really don’t want to open a door to the past right now.”

Cas nods again and they both spend the next minutes munching on meat, bread, and fries. It tastes amazing and they both moan around their mouths full of delicious food.

“Way better than the crap at the party,” Dean mumbles and Cas agrees by nodding eagerly.

Eating and drinking kind of loosens the mood and when the last bite is taken, the last fries disappeared just like the last sip from their glasses, they fall back against their seats and sigh contently.

“That was one hell of a birthday dinner.”

Cas smiles and shoves his plate away. “I’m glad you like it.”

Dean licks his lips and is tempted to open a button on his pants but decides to stay decent in the public. “Anything else planned for this evening?”

There’s this tiny little smile tugging at Cas’ mouth, the one that’s barely visible and still so radiant. And tonight, it even looks a bit mischievous. “Well, actually yes,” he says and takes a quick look at his watch, “but we’ve still got some time to pass, so go ahead and order a dessert if you want to.”

At the word dessert, Dean doesn’t even think twice. He’s already seen the pie earlier on the menu and makes quick work on waving for the waitress and ordering two pieces. With his mouth full of sweet pie filling and creamy vanilla ice cream, he keeps talking. “So, we’re on a schedule or what?”

“Kind of,” Cas explains. The alpha eats his piece more carefully, cutting through the crust with his fork and only taking one bite at a time.

“Any hint on where we’re going?” Dean asks. He would feel embarrassed for how blurred he mumbles but the pie is just too damn delicious to care.

The dark-haired man shakes his head.

“Not even a tiny hint? For the birthday guy?”

Cas shakes his head again and smirks. “Nope. And technically, it’s not even your birthday anymore.”

Dean sighs dramatically but spares the other man any more questions. He eats and notices that he’s really enjoying himself. No way had he expected to have such a great evening when he woke up this morning. Cas keeps on staring rather than eating, but over the time, Dean gets more used to his mate doing this. Yes, it’s weird and intense, but it also feels great to have this positive kind of attention.

“So, do we make good time?” He eventually asks when the last crumb he can find on his plate disappears in his mouth.

“Still about twenty minutes until we have to go,” Cas explains and finally goes on eating his pie.

Dean shrugs. “Damn… okay, so, what do you wanna do?

Cas taps some random beat with his finger on the table and scratches his head. He looks kinda nervous and Dean wonders what’s going through the other man’s mind right now. “Well, to be honest…,” the alpha begins, “I hoped we could use this evening to generally talk a bit. I don’t know, I just feel like we still don’t do that very often and it’s more…,” he sighs, “I really don’t know how to explain this.”

With his shoulder hung down just as much as the corners of his mouth, Cas looks pretty sad and overwhelmed, just like this emoji he always sends when he texts Dean from work or school. The omega tries a sympathetic smile and shoves his empty plate to the side to lay his hand next to his mate’s. “It’s okay, Cas, just try. I’m doing my best to understand.”

After a few moments of hesitation and biting his lip, Cas takes a deep breath and starts again. “I mean, is it just me who thinks our conversations are always so… _awkward_? It’s definitely better than a few weeks ago, don’t misunderstand me, but we always say we need to be open and talk to each other; and we start with a few sentences but then end up not talking to each other for a long time again. I still don’t know anything about you besides the things that I see and witness. And I’m not just talking about our past or our family. I mean general things. Talking to you isn’t easy for me, because I always think too much and I guess it comes from this whole shitty situation we’ve been thrown in. Or am I wrong?”

Dean watches the other man and nods along with his words. He’s right. “No, you’re not wrong, Cas. We _are_ awkward around each other. And, I mean, it’s just natural, right? We had a _one-night-stand_ and suddenly we’re married, and then shit went down and now we sit here.”

“But I want to finally be over that!” Cas whines. He lets his head sink down to his chest and breathes for a couple of seconds before looking back at Dean. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound disrespectful. Of course I don’t want to forget or gloss over how we met and how we became what we are now. But I’m tired of it being in the way of… I don’t know… making this work.”

This time, it’s Dean’s turn to take a couple of breaths to sort through what he just heard and through his own thoughts. It’s kind of what he dealt with over the last days and weeks too; how to make their “relationship” work. He already decided on taking his life as it is now, it’s just fair to let Cas in on it. Yes, they didn’t plan on becoming parents. It’s obvious by now that they both had different approaches to their lives than what they have to deal with now. But that’s just how it works, right? That’s exactly what life is. You can never tell what waits around the next corner, you can only decide how you’re going to react to it.

“I don’t want to have this between us either,” he answers after a while of thinking, “but, Cas, I don’t know if you understand what I’ve been through since we met. I was…,” he stops for a moment and organizes his thoughts, “I was ready to go away and raise the pup on my own because I didn’t see another way. And now, just a few weeks later, I’m actually kinda content with how it is. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I’m happy, but I don’t feel bad anymore. And a lot of that definitely has to do with you paying more attention to my needs. But I still can hardly deal with my own ambivalent feelings on this whole situation, so if I am awkward and cold around you sometimes, it’s not because I hate you, it’s because I need time to learn to _trust_ you. That doesn’t come overnight.”

Cas nods, and he visibly clenched his jaw when Dean mentioned him running away, but mostly he shows his agreement. “Of course,” the alpha says, “I would never want to push you into anything. That’s the last thing I want. I just… I don’t know, I guess I just want us to be more easy and relaxed around each other. And not only when our scents soothe the emotions.”

“I know. And it will be better. It only takes time.”

They stay quiet for a moment and simply smile at each other, silently adding the needed sympathy and agreement to what they just talked about. Dean even realizes after about a minute that somehow, their hands even found their way to link over the table. It happened automatically and without him noticing it, but now he doesn’t dare to pull his hand away anymore.

Cas is the first one to end this little “moment”, by looking on his phone that lights up next to him. “Great,” he groans, “Now we have to go.”

Dean chuckles and softly pats his husband's hand before stretching his own over his head. “Well, you pay and I go to the bathroom.”

He empties his bladder and washes his hand, looking into the mirror and realizing that he’s actually smiling. _Not a total disaster so far._

They meet outside and walk silently to the car, especially Cas being somewhat distracted by his surrounding or maybe by his own thoughts. The alpha notices that he has to give directions again, though, when Dean starts the engine, and they drive off into Chicago traffic again.

Their next destination isn’t as far away, and through several drives around the city in the last couple of days, Dean quickly notices that they’re heading towards the lake. The parking lot is empty, but that doesn’t even catch his eyes when they stop in front of an impressive building, surrounded by Lake Michigan.

“Wow,” is all Dean can even produce for some time while feeling the cold January breeze on his skin. It’s warmer tonight than it’s been in the last days, but he still gets goose bumps on his neck. “The hell is this?” he asks but doesn’t need to hear Cas answer when they pass a big sign. “A planetarium?”

The alpha nods and turns to Dean, smiling. His blue eyes shine even brighter with the lake and the skyline reflecting in the blue orbs. “It’s actually been not so easy to get a private show tonight but well, I had something to make up for, huh?”

Dean doesn’t answer and rather looks up into the night's sky. The lights of the city are too bright to see many stars, but he still focuses on some tiny points that seem to shine through. He’s always loved this.

Eager and excited, he doesn’t waste any more time and follows his mate inside. A scruffy, old man opens the door for them and Dean assumes he got himself a nice amount of money out of the deal. They are lead upstairs and into a room with several seats, completely dark and with a huge dome as a ceiling. When Cas sits down and motions for Dean to join him, they settle comfortable on the seats and wait for a loud bang to announce the beginning of the show.

It takes a few moments for anything to happen, but the Dean gets sucked into the magic of the universe. Colorful lights pop up over them, assemble, split again, and simply dance over the dark background. A deep voice accompanies their journey through space. There are stars and planets, small and big formations in all kind of shapes, and Dean’s mouth is wide open in awe. His eyes follow the lights and after a while, he completely forgets where he is. It is breathtaking and beautiful and simply amazing. He feels Cas taking his hand and linking their fingers, smells a wave of his mate’s happy scent crushing down on him, and it all adds to a spectacular experience. Dean has no clue at all how long the show lasts, but no matter if it’s been ten minutes, an hour or a whole day, when the voice says goodbye and the stars slowly fade into the darkness of the ceiling, it clearly is over too fast.

The lights turn on again - blinding Dean for a moment - and the scruffy, old guy from before guides them out again. Cas hands the man another few bills while Dean already steps into the cold night air and breathes in deeply.

“Oh my god, that was _awesome_ ,” he shouts and turns around to his mate, “I always wanted to go to a place like this but I never would’ve thought it’d be so amazing. I can’t even describe it. It was huge and impressive and just dazzling.” He keeps on babbling about the experience, while Cas steps a bit closer with an equally enthusiastic expression on his face.

The alpha throws his scarf around his neck. “You’re shivering.”

Dean only now realizes that Cas is right. The adrenaline rushing through his body makes him feel warmer than he actually is. “Thanks,” he says and blushes. “It’s kinda our thing, huh?” he adds and grins at the other man.

Cas tilts his head to the side and Dean scratches his neck. “You giving me a scarf. Kinda reminds me of another cold night we shared together.”

The realization that Dean is talking about the night they met is clearly visible on the alpha’s face and even in the dim light of the street lamp, the redness that colors his face is unmistakable. “It’s a different scarf, though,” whispers and looks away.

“I know.”

The dark-haired man looks up with wide eyes. “You do?”

Dean chuckles. “Of course. I remember pretty much everything from that night. Was kind of a life-changing moment.”

Now they both look to the ground, stupidly embarrassed about it. Really, they hooked up, they fought a lot since then, married, had a lot of sex. And still, they both stand here in the middle of an empty parking spot and blushing like teenage boys.

Cas is the first to regain his composure and clears his throat. “Are you tired? Do you want to head home, or… would you maybe like to go for a walk?”

Dean looks up at his mate and smiles. He can honestly say that he would love to go for a walk with Cas right now. His grin widens when he answers, “I root for the walk.”

Thankfully, there’s a beautiful park nearby, a peninsula that grants them a spectacular view across the lake. With the wind blowing through his hair and more minutes passing by, Dean feels the high from the planetarium slowly settling down again. And with that, he remembers just why he loves the stars so much.

They sit on a bench, the lake only a few feet away and thousands of lights from Chicago’s impressive skyline shining down on them, and they simply take in the beautiful sight. Dean lets his head fall back and looks up into the night sky. “I used to do that a lot with Sammy,” he says, keeping on talking as long as he feels this comfortable. “I remember one time, I just got my license, when I woke him up in the middle of the night and we drove a couple of miles outside of the city on a hill. It was summer and there were fireflies everywhere. And the sky was so bright.” He sighs and turns his head to Cas who looks at him with an adorable smile. “We sat on the hood for hours and just watched the stars until it slowly became dawn and then we headed home. My dad didn’t even notice we were gone, but it was probably the best moment of my life.” For a few minutes he just indulges in this happy memory. Dean notices Cas’ arm resting on the backrest of the bench and shifts closer to the other man, leaning against his side. “Thank you, Cas. Thank you for making me remember.”

He rather feels than sees the alphas smile against the top of his head. “I’m glad I could make you smile,” Cas whispers.

They stay silent for several minutes and at some point harmonize their breathing. But eventually, Dean yawns, feeling all the events of the day crushing down on him. And he also shivers as the temperature seems to drop a bit more. “We should probably head to the car before I get too tired to drive,” he says.

Cas nods and they sit up straight again. Before Dean can stand up, though, the alpha holds on to his wrist. “Wait a second,” he says, slowly pulling his hand away. “Before we go now and maybe everything goes back to how it’s been before… I wanted to tell you that I plan on making this the new normal.”

Dean raises one eyebrow, not entirely sure he understands what the other man means.

“What I’m saying is, this shouldn’t be just reserved for your birthday. I wanted this to be a date. A _real_ one. The way you look right now, all happy and smiling and relaxed, I want you to be like this all the time. I want you to feel valued. Because I do, you know?”

“Do what?” Dean asks.

“Value you. _Like_ you. I really do. And I know we’re together out of an arrangement. But I also hope a bit that it could change and we could be… _more._ Would you like that?”

The way Cas looks at him and what he says makes Dean swallow. He searches for any hint in the other man’s expression that this is a joke. But he knows Cas well enough by now to know it is complete honesty. “I… I don’t know,” he carefully says. It’s true, he doesn’t know at all what they are, what they could be or what he even wants them to be.

The disappointment in Cas’ eyes is less intense then Dean would’ve thought and that’s a huge relief. He really wouldn’t want to end this amazing night by hurting his mate’s feelings.

“That’s enough for me,” the alpha grins. He looks away for a second and seems to bite his lip before turning to Dean again. “Can I try something?”

A bit taken aback, Dean blinks but eventually nods. Cas gave him no reason lately to not trust him. It’s just a fair gesture to offer it today, right?

The alpha licks his lips and swallows, already slowly leaning in, and Dean knows exactly what’s happening. But he doesn’t stop Cas or leans back. No, he closes his eyes and waits for the soft pressure on his lips. It’s not like they never kissed before, but this is different. Not to exaggerate, there are no sparks flying or butterflies twisting his guts, but it’s nice and soft and not weird or wrong at all. Dean feels in control all the time so he even goes as far as opening his mouth a bit, signalizing for the other man that it’s fine to deepen the kiss some more. It doesn’t get out of control or ends up as a hot make-out session on a public park bench, but there’s definitely some exploring. The shy smile Cas has on his face when they eventually part makes Dean lean in again for another soft peck. He stands up and offers his hand for Cas to take. They walk towards the car and keep their fingers linked until they drive off.

Dean smiles some more that night and thinks that maybe he can put his fear aside for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, finally, those two are heading in the right direction. Damn, I feel like a mom right now who taught their babies to walk XD But the story's not over yet (still a loooong way to go and a lot of stuff to deal with).  
> So, thanks for cheering me up with all those nice comments, you can't imagine how much I appreciate it <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody :) Did you have a nice week? Since Cas and Dean are finally moving forward in their relationship, I thought it's time to get the story going in another field. Enjoy it <3

Dean doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings after the date with Cas. And yes, it was a date. Cas put so much effort and thought into it and it turned out to be a magical evening. Not that Dean would ever use that word out loud. When they came home at midnight and fell asleep after a good night kiss it simply felt good. It also feels good the next morning when they brush their teeth next to each other in the bathroom and share a smile and wink in the mirror, or when they dress and casually chat about other things they want to explore in the city. Even church is easier to endure this morning and they sit closer together than ever, their arms touching the whole time. It’s a general change in how they behave around each other; still cautious and reserved - it’s not like they go for each other every other minute - but definitely more… _familiar._ Cas smiles more often then Dean has ever seen before from the dark-haired man, winking at him and even making a joke. The alpha needs to work on an assignment but instead of hiding away in a quiet corner like he did before, he joins Dean on the couch and puts in headphones to not get distracted by the sound of the TV. It’s small details like these that change a lot in their dynamic.

And Dean… well, first of all, he doesn’t even know how to deal with all of this; with Cas’ proximity, with their casual talks, and especially with his own comfort. For a few days, he basically stops single time he passes Cas in the hallway or in their room and presses a kiss on the other man’s lips. And it still feels good and right every single time. Is this how it should be? Are they really becoming closer, or is something wrong with him? If his past self from a few weeks back could see him now, would he scream and shout to stop giving it a chance, or would he be glad that he actually feels quite happy right now? Dean feels like he’s betraying all of what he thought he is, all of what he wanted to be when he throws his arms around Cas’ neck to pull the alpha in and grin against the other man’s lips. But then again, he just wants to block out this negativity, wants to enjoy and feel and _live_ a little for once, and if it’s with his husband who happens to be an alpha but who also happens to be an extremely handsome and gentle and kind man - about that he’s quite sure by now - then there can’t be anything wrong with him, right? He’s got to finally get over the fact that he ended up in this house and in this life by an accident. He can’t turn back time, and if he’s honest he doesn’t want to, because it would mean that his pup would never be born. And no matter how much he cursed the tiny munchkin in his belly or how much he wanted to get rid of it, now he’s glad he didn’t. It doesn’t erase all the pain and suffering he had to endure over the past couple of months, all the moments where he felt like everything is too much, but he’s in a mental place now where he dares to believe again; where he dares to make plans.

One of these plans is to surprise Cas with dinner. The alpha still works until late in the evening or spends most of the day in the law school library and Dean doubts that he eats enough let alone healthy, so he prepares ratatouille with veggies he bought at a farmers market that day and sends it into the office with a delivery boy. The text he gets in return makes it pretty clear that Cas is both surprised and very pleased with the taste.

Dean grins at the screen of his phone and gets back to washing the dishes and entertaining Jake with soap bubbles. The five-year-old giggles and keeps adding dish soap to the water, making the foam rise in the sink. Dean blows some of it in direction of the little boy who sits on the counter and shrieks loudly, putting a smile on the omega’s face. The thought of having moments like this coming ahead for him with his own kid makes Dean feel a thrill rushing through his body. He wants to be the silly dad who teaches his pup to shoot stones with a slingshot or watches Scooby-Doo and old western movies for hours on end, but he also wants to be a dad who sits on the edge of his child’s bed at night to sing lullaby versions of rock songs or read bedtime stories. Or maybe that’s a thing for Cas with his gravelly voice, and Dean will stand in the doorway to watch them cuddle.

The omega completely forgets the dishes while daydreaming and also notices when he jerks from his thoughts that Jake flooded the counter.

“Come on, let’s clean up this mess.”

There’s a cough from behind him and when Dean turns around he sees Naomi leaning against the post in the living room, watching them with obvious disapproval. “Jacob, honey, why don’t you go upstairs and get ready for bed, hm? I’ll be with you in a few minutes and we can read in the Bible together.”

Jake looks at his grandmother and then at Dean. The kid seems like he doesn’t want to go just yet but also doesn’t dare to say no to Naomi. He nods and jumps from the counter. “Okay, grandma,” he murmurs before he hugs Dean. “Night, Dean. Night pup.” He rubs Dean’s belly and the omega bends down to kiss the little boy on the head.

“Goodnight, Jake,” he answers, “we can play some more tomorrow, huh?” That seems to put the five-year-old in a better mood and he runs off to the stairs.

“No running in the house,” Naomi comments but the boy is hardly slowing down. When he disappears upstairs, the older woman turns to Dean and takes a dishtowel from the hook. “Need some help?” she asks.

Dean looks slightly irritated but nods. Since he moved into this house, he’s never seen Naomi doing any kind of chores. She always loudly exclaims that she’s been in charge of the household for so many years that she’s entitled to sit back and let the new generation of omegas - namely Anna and Dean - take over the tasks. But not the reins, of course.

They clean up the rest of their dinner side by side and Dean consciously doesn’t say anything. He knows that this woman is a master in twisting his every word so she can make him look stupid or blame him for basically existing. They will probably never be friends but it’s a thin line between indifference and utter hate. And Dean definitely wants to stay in the status of indifference.

The older omega puts the last plate back in the cabinet and hangs the towel back on the hook. “We didn’t have much time to talk lately, just you and me,” she says.

Dean dries his hands and swallows. No, they didn’t talk much in the last couple of weeks and he was quite happy about that. Maybe part of it was because they never really were alone in a room anymore since Dean started spending more time with Cas. But today, Cas and Michael are at the office until late, Luke disappeared somewhere around noon, and Anna is out with some friends for at least another hour. So it’s only him and Naomi right now. Well, and Jake, but the five-year-old doesn’t really count in this scenario, even though he was great company for Dean until now.

“No, we didn’t,” he answers, trying to sound as casual as possible. He really doesn’t like where this could be going.

Naomi smiles. It’s one of those smiles people have when they are sure to have the whip hand. “Wanna join me on the couch?” she asks and already walks over to the living room.

Dean should definitely say no, he should feign an excuse like that he’s tired and wants to go to bed.

“Just for a moment. I insist,” Naomi adds as if she could read his mind.

This would be the perfect moment for Cas to burst through the door and save him. Or Anna, or hell, even Michael, just anyone to rescue him from having to talk to this bitch all alone. He nods and tries to smile as confidently as he can, following her to the living room and sitting down on the couch. The cushions suddenly don’t feel soft and comfortable at all anymore. Maybe her cold soul turned them into ice with her sheer presence. Yeah, definitely a logical explanation.

“So…,” he says and nervously cracks his knuckles. “How’s been your day?” Can that please be enough of conversation for today? Or for the rest of the week?

Naomi folds her hands in her lap, looking completely confident and serious. “Oh, thank you for asking. I  had a meeting with Caroline Johnson and pastor Jim regarding the upcoming wedding of Hannah and Richard. They wanted my advice since I’ve already witnessed a lot of ceremonies in this church.”

Dean nods. He still hopes not to get an invitation to that wedding - and really, who would invite her ex-almost and his new mate to their wedding? - but considering how much the Johnson’s wanted to show off on the engagement party it wouldn’t even surprise Dean to soon find an invitation in the mail. “And could you help them?” he asks politely. Is there a way to press forward on this whole talk?

“Of course. Caroline was very impressed with my ideas. I think I will join her to go shopping for the decoration. She likes my taste.”

 _Wow, that would make one person in total_ _…_

“Anyway,” Naomi continues, “what I actually wanted to talk about with you is your relationship to my son. I’ve seen that you are… well, closer now than you’ve been at the beginning of this whole _journey_. I have to say I was quite surprised to learn that you two left so early on Saturday.”

Dean puts on a smile. “Yes, sorry, we would’ve said goodbye but we were on a schedule and couldn’t find you at that moment.” It’s a lie, of course, but even if she notices she at least doesn’t comment on it.

Instead, she returns the polite smile. “Yes, of course. And I assume you had a nice evening?”

“Oh, hell yeah,” Dean exclaims, only belated realizing what he just that said. _Well, that explains her expression._ The blond man can’t help but grin at the memory of the tavern and the planetarium, the walk and Chicago’s amazing skyline at night… and the kiss. He probably even blushes remembering how hesitant and shy Cas has been.

“I’m glad,” Naomi answers, making it quite obvious that she’s not. “It’s very important for a pup to have parents who get along well and work together as a team. So I definitely support you two building up a strong base for the future. But, If I’m being honest - and I hope you will allow me to tell you what’s on my mind -”

Dean huffs quietly. Does he even have a choice?

Without even stopping at the man’s reaction, Naomi continues. “Right now is a very important time for both of you to focus on your tasks. It is good to deepen your relationship, but I fear you might lose focus on your responsibilities and your _roles_.”

Dean really doesn’t like the way she emphasizes this word but waits for her to go one with the obvious lecture.

“I’m really just thinking about your wellbeing. Castiel needs to focus on his career. I noticed that he let some things slide recently, which I understand in a certain way, but which can’t be tolerated in the long run. And I know that you as his mate, of course, want him to succeed and would never deliberately hold him back from doing so. But I also understand that you want to spend time with him. I think it’s best now to find something to keep you busy with and maybe even something that will help you with your role as a mate and omega and soon also as a parent.”

Alarm bells ring in Dean’s ears. This sounds uncomfortably close to a conversation they already had months ago and so far he kinda managed to put her off the topic, but of course the bitch just waited around the corner for a convenient moment to drag him in again. “Yeah, well, you know, I actually think I can handle everything,” he tries to maneuver around the topic.

“I bet you can,” she answers, smiling confidently, “but still, just consider it as a form of further qualification. I know a very good place we could go. Pastor Jim told me about a Christian organization in the city that offers classes for moms-to-be. It not only includes childcare but general instructions on what’s important as a newlywed omega, how to take care of a household for example. You’ve got it easier than a lot of other mates since you share the responsibilities with Anna, but I think it still wouldn’t hurt to get some advice from professionals.”

Dean honestly doesn’t know what to answer and his mouth probably even hangs open. He’s been insulted for being a male omega before, quite often actually, but coming from _her_ , a cold-hearted bitch who only sees him as a birth machine for a pup that’s probably an abomination for her too considering how and by whom it got conceived, it simply enrages him more than he’s been in a while. He has to fight hard to keep his composure, to shut up and not throw swear words at her face even though he damn much wants to right now. But it wouldn’t help anything, probably even make things words, so he sits there in the living room and stares at her with a mask of approval.

“I -” he starts, frantically searching for words. Her eyes bore into his and he thinks he’s starting to sweat a little.

Dean is rescued by the sound of the front door opening and he may have even sent a little thank you to the guy above when he sees Cas coming into the hallway. Maybe it’s been one of those moments out of a young adults romance novel where mates can feel the other’s distress from a distance and the alpha uses his super alpha strength to run across the city to rescue his omega, or maybe it’s just a damn good coincident. Whatever it is, the only thing that matters is that Cas is right here.

Dean jumps up and meets his husband halfway, pulling him in for a short kiss. “Hey, what are you already doing here?” he asks particularly loud.

Cas is obviously taken by surprise with the cheerful greeting but grins when their mouths part again. “Um, hello to you too,” he laughs and starts taking off his coat. “The papers I should be working right now won’t come into the office until tomorrow so I was actually free to go once I ate your amazing ratatouille.” The alpha leans in for another quick peck on the lips before he clears his throat to greet his mother.

Dean can’t see her face since he deliberately has his back turned to her, but he thinks he can still feel her gaze drilling into the back of his head. Oh, he so hopes she’s fuming after being interrupted by Cas’ arrival.

“And because I’ve got school early in the morning tomorrow, someone else is taking care of the papers,” Cas goes on, taking Dean by the hip and pulling him close, “Which means that after my lecture and a short group meeting in the library, I will have the rest of the day off. You wanna meet me for lunch in the city and we go for a walk after that?”

This is even getting better. Of course Dean is happy about spending time with Cas but right now, he’s even more excited about Naomi listening to this talk. She probably already has steam coming out of her nose. And because Dean just can’t help it, he takes it a step further and plants a passionate kiss on Cas’ mouth that might already scratch the border to not be PG anymore.

Cas looks confused and a little bit turned on when they part and Dean bites his lip not to chuckle. “You’re probably tired from work. Wanna go upstairs?”

The alpha only nods and then they wave goodnight to Naomi on their way to the stairs. “Sorry Naomi, we finish that another time, okay?”

She looks anything but amused and squints her eyes but eventually nods and puts on this well-rehearsed smile. “Of course. Good night you two.”

Dean rushes them upstairs, almost dragging Cas, until he closes the bedroom door behind them and leans against it, breathing heavily. “God, that was perfect timing.”

“Are you telling me what’s going on? Not that I would be complaining, but…” Cas says, raising his eyebrows in confusion.

“Yeah, well, your lovely mom is just driving me up the wall again.”

The alpha starts taking his jacket and shirt off, leaving the door to the closet open so Dean can continue to explain. “I was doing fine avoiding her today, but she buttonholed me which I wasn’t prepared for.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas answers, “What did she want?”

Dean sits down on the love seat and lets himself fall against the backrest. “She had the nerve to tell me I needed classes to learn how to be a good mate.”

The alpha’s head peeks up from behind the closet door and his angry scent fills the room. “She did what?”

“It wasn’t the first time, sure, but she was way less subtle today.”

Cas comes into the bedroom, only his pajama pants on, and looks at Dean like he’s seen a ghost. “Wait, what? When did that happen?”

The omega shrugs. “Last year? Shortly after we mated, I guess. I was looking for community college classes and she only talked about how they have amazing programs on childcare and housework.”

“I can’t believe it,” Cas says, running a hand down his face, “why didn’t you tell me?”

Dean frowns. Is he really asking that right now? Fortunately, the alpha seems to get what he just said and apologizes. “Sorry, I know I haven’t been there most of the time.”

“It’s okay,” Dean says and lays down on the cushions. “Just make sure that I have to spend as little time as possible with her in the future. And she’s such a hypocrite about this whole topic. Like, I _know_ how to cook and to clean - I’ve basically done that my whole life - and she never complained about my food or that the floor isn’t shiny enough. No, she even asked me to bake stuff for her. And now she wants to send me to some group where I learn to be an omega how some dickheads once wrote it down in an ancient book. Yeah, sure, not happening!”

Cas chuckles and kneels down next to the couch. “And I wouldn’t want you to. Your just right the way you are. And I kinda get now that being a stay-at-home omega isn’t the most fulfilling job for some.” The alpha sighs. “I know when we met and we talked about mating that I told you I expect you to take care of the housework and our pup. And to be honest, I’m embarrassed for that kind of thoughts. I just… the omegas I had contact to were all like that, all about marrying, mating, getting pregnant and running a household. Don’t look at me like that, I’m not stupid, I know we’re in 2018 and most omegas don’t think like that anymore. But the way I was raised I felt like this is how I wanted it to be.”

“And now?” Dean asks carefully.

Cas takes the omega’s face in his hands and looks him in the eyes. “I want you to do whatever you want. And I will make sure to take some pressure off you with housework and our pup so you can focus on yourself for once.”

Dean swallows, both under the intense stare of those blue eyes and the words that slowly sink in his mind. He nods and sits up again to escape the power of this moment. “Thanks, Cas,” he murmurs.

The alpha grins and sits down next to him. “Maybe at first you still should take care of the cooking. I’m not sure you would survive on my food.”

They start to laugh and lean against each other. “I hate this house,” Dean says and is a bit surprised himself that he actually said it out loud. It’s not a new thought, it’s nagging at him for as long as he can remember, but he never dared to let it out in the open. “Sorry,” he adds as an afterthought. “I mean, of course I’ve got everything I need here, even more so, but…”

“I know,” Cas whispers.

Dean looks up. “You do?”

The alpha nods. “It’s not like I want to live here forever either. Nothing feels like it’s mine, or ours. Even this bedroom we share, I haven’t picked one piece of furniture in here, and the living arrangement with my mom _and_ my big brother… not really how I imagine living together with my mate and my pup. It’s been my dad’s house and now it’s Michael’s house. I never saw it as mine, barely even saw it as a home… but that’s another story. All I mean is that of course, I want to have a place just for us that we can design to _our_ needs. But right now it just doesn’t make sense. I’m still in school, for who knows how long with how things go lately, and I wouldn’t even know how to pay rent or anything. It’s not like I earn money at my brother’s office. It’s not like I have any money on my own in general. It’s all Michael’s or my mom’s. They pay for my school, they paid my car and my credit card and everything. And as long as I live here I have access to all of that. I need some more time to build up a base that we can work with. I’m doing my best, Dean, I promise. But right now it just doesn’t seem logical.”

The omega leans in to kiss his mate. “That’s okay.”

“Yeah?” Cas asks, visibly unconvinced.

Dean shrugs. “Yeah. You saying that we will eventually move out is enough for now I guess.”

They kiss again, a little bit longer this time, and then just sit side by side to talk for another half an hour. They tell each other about their day and plan on where to go for lunch tomorrow. Dean yawning is the prompt to head to bed where they continue a Netflix comedy special they started the night before and again fall asleep with the screen still on.

 

The next morning, Cas leaves home early and Dean thinks he even says goodbye before going back to sleep for a few hours. He keeps his breakfast simple today, planning on stuffing himself with all the nice stuff they will have for lunch. Since Cas drove to town together with Michael, Dean takes the Impala so they can go home together later.

The little bistro they chose for lunch is near campus ground and offers a variety of Italian food, giving Dean a hard time to even choose from all the delicious pasta meals. They talk and joke and simply enjoy spending time together in such a casual but still intimate way. At some point Dean notices that the street outside looks familiar and then even that right across the street is the exact same coffee shop they met at in October when he told Cas about his pregnancy. The omega tells his mate about it and they both seem to take a trip down memory lane. It’s insane how far away this day already feels, how much happened since Cas left him at the park bench with an utterly shocked expression on his face, and yet it’s only been three and a half months.

Cas offers his arm to Dean when they eventually make their way back to the car and the omega gladly takes it. He feels comfortable enough to allow this little bit of affection and even keeps their fingers linked on their drive back home.

It’s pretty cold for a first February and Cas rushes inside once they arrive to make tea for both of them. Dean still prefers the taste of coffee but he can’t argue the warming effect of tea. He remembers to take the mail inside and browses it in the hallway to sort it on different piles. Michael, as always, gets a lot of advertisement and bills and generally a lot of letters. Naomi too, but they’re mostly handwritten from some friends who seem to not have yet discovered emails or WhatsApp. There is a postcard for Anna from the Maldives. Damn, it looks so nice there that Dean kinda wants to switch places with them right now. Then there’s also a letter for Cas, which isn’t unusual, but it’s handwritten too and Dean wonders which friend might have sent it since Cas never mentioned someone before. He turns the envelop around to read the sender and all air gets punched out of his lungs.

He stands in the hallway and holds on to the letter, staring at the few lines of the sender and can’t think or talk or breathe. This is a joke, right? This has to be a joke.

“Cas?” he asks, his voice hoarse and barely there, but the alpha just came around the corner to hang up his coat so he hears it anyway.

“Yeah?”

Dean holds up the envelope, his hand shaking like crazy. “What is this?”

Cas squints his eyes to read the words on the paper and inhales loudly. It’s all the confirmation Dean needed to feel the tears in his eyes. “This isn’t real right? I mean, this is another Sam Winchester.” He almost prays for his mate to say it’s some old school friend or someone from college, but the alpha swallows and slowly shakes his head.

Dean feels sick and runs to the guest bathroom to throw up. His head is spinning and he hears Cas calling his name next to him but soundsund like miles away.

“Dean? Dean! Hey, come on, let me help you.”

The omega shakes his head and vomits again, feeling tears running down his face too.

“What is up with uncle Dean? Is he sick?”

“Jake, come here, leave them alone, honey.”

Anna’s voice echoes in his head, so does Cas’, again calling his name.

Dean eventually slumps to the ground right in front of the toilet. His head is pounding and he’s still holding on to the letter. The letter from his little brother.

“Dean,” Cas says, kneeling next to him. He helps him stand up and supports him while Dean rinses his mouth with water.

“Why,” the omega rasps, clearing his throat several times to even get this word out.

Cas looks at him with concern. “Why what?”

Dean takes a few moments to compose himself before he walks out of the bathroom, passing both Jake and Anna who look equally concerned. He waves with the letter in front of Cas’ face and feels the tears threatening to run down again. “Why is there a letter to you, written by _my brother_?” he yells.

The alpha swallows and bites his lip. “Anna, Jake, can you please leave us alone?” he asks.

She nods and takes the little boy upstairs. Once they disappear, Cas turns to Dean again. “Because I contacted him.”

The omega shakes his head. “You what? How… why would you do that?”

“I…,” Cas looks desperate and reaches out to touch Dean who pulls his hand away. “You were talking about him and it sounded to me like you miss him a lot. I wanted to help you to talk to him again… I thought it would make you happy.”

Dean leans against the wall. He feels like he loses ground and needs something to support himself. This is all a bad dream. His mate just _can_ _’t_ have contacted Sam and… no, this is a bad dream, he needs to wake up.

“I really thought you would like it.”

“Oh, you did,” Dean laughs. It’s pathetic and sad and mostly meant to keep him from crying. “How dare you do that?”

Cas frowns. “What?”

“How dare you, Cas?”

“I thought -”

Dean doesn’t let him finish the sentence. “Well, you thought wrong!” The omega steps forward and slightly pushes Cas backward. “What gave you the right to just contact him without asking me first? How did you even do it?”

Cas scratches the back of his neck and looks to the ground. “Well… it wasn’t hard to find a Sam Winchester in Lawrence, Kansas. He’s in a lot of projects at his high school. I just… I used the phone at my office to call the school. I noticed that Sam was mentioned to have ambitions to go to law school so I told the secretary that my law firm offers internships for ambitious high school graduates and if she knew a student who would fit the requirements. It wasn’t hard after that to get him on the phone.”

“You _spoke_ to him?” Dean yells. His voice is loud enough for Anna upstairs and probably even the neighbors next door to listen to this but he just can’t believe what he’s hearing. “What did you tell him? Did you say that you're my mate?” He feels like throwing up again and covers his mouth. “Oh god, this is horrible.”

Dean leans against the wall again and presses the heel of his hands on his eyes. “I can’t believe it… I can’t believe you did that.”

“No,” Cas interjects, “I didn’t tell him we’re mated. I just… I said I’m a friend and that I know you haven’t seen each other in years and that you… that you miss him and that it would be nice if he could maybe write a letter which I can give to you.”

“Do you even have the slightest idea what you’ve done?” The tears are falling again and Dean has a hard time keeping his breathing under control. His whole body wants to just slump down to the ground and he needs to support himself to keep standing.

Cas slowly moves a step forward but stops when he sees Dean holding up his hand. “I really thought it’d be a good idea. I thought you would at least want to know what he’s doing these days.”

Dean huffs a laugh. It sounds guttural and whimpering. “And you think I _don_ _’t_? You really think that with all the possibilities I’ve got here I never thought about just googling his name?”

The alpha’s eyes widen in surprise. “You did?”

“Of course I did!” Dean yells. “I know everything. I know he’s captain of the soccer team, I know he won the debate contest two years in a row. I know he let his hair grow and that he has excellent grades. He’s a star at his high school, I’ve memorized each picture and every article that has been written about him in the last years.”

“Then why didn’t you -”

“Why I never tried to contact him?” Dean asks, quietly, almost as if he’s talking to himself. He breathes a couple of times and closes his eyes, feels the wetness on his cheeks and the lump in his throat. “Because I failed, Cas. I failed him so badly. I ran away to get out of this system, to get away from all the judgment and hate and prejudices. Since I presented, no one ever saw me as a person anymore. I was the male omega, the abomination, the joke of the school. And all that I ever thought I was or was gonna be, it shattered into a million pieces in just one fucking moment. I needed to get out. And I did it by abandoning him. I abandoned my little brother and left him alone with my abusive dad!”

There’s no holding back now anymore. He cries, he sobs, everything that’s been bottled up for years pours out in the open. All the guilt and self-hatred that he’s been carrying on with him for years. “I left him behind with the promise to get him one day when I built up my own life as a free man. I justified my actions because I felt squashed by society, I told myself I would make it on my own and then I would be able to offer Sam everything he deserves.”

Cas is at his side now but doesn’t touch him. “I’m sorry, Dean. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”

Coughing through all the sobbing, Dean shakes his head. “No, you didn’t know. You just assumed.” He tries to wipe away the tears but it comes to nothing since more are running down his face just a second later. “How could I’ve faced him? I’m exactly what I never wanted to be. I ran away to escape the expectations of mating and getting pregnant. I would’ve rather died than become a stay-at-home omega. And look at me now! How could I have looked my brother in the eye? I abandoned him four years ago just to end up where I never wanted to be.” His own body becomes too heavy to keep up now and he slowly slides down to sit on the ground. “And the worst part is that I am okay now. I am okay with being pregnant and mated. He would be disgusted by me.”

For a long time, Dean just sits there, his face buried in his hands and sobbing, Cas standing right in front of him with the letter in his hands but not saying a word.

The omega lets his head fall back against the wall and tries to take a deep breath, finally winning the fight against the tears. But with the sadness gone, rage bubbles to the surface. Dean stands up and looks at Cas, watches how the alpha’s face shows sympathy, maybe even pity. How dare he contact Sam without his permission. He had no right. Grabbing the letter out of the alpha’s hand, Dean shoves his mate away. “You can stand here and act like you care, but in the end, you will never understand how I feel right now. I smell your distress, but I can totally live without your pity. You had no right to do that, but, yeah, sure, you barely ever think about what your actions could cause, right? Because in the end, you have no idea how it feels to be me! Go fuck yourself, Cas.”

With that he rushes off and up the stairs, not caring about Cas’ shocked expression or his sour scent or him calling his name. Dean even locks the door behind himself and feels the adrenaline slowly fading from his body, leaving him shaking. He wobbly walks over to the bed and falls on his back, staring up at the ceiling for several minutes. He wants to read the letter, of course he does, but he keeps fidgeting with it in his hand until the ink of the address gets blurry. Dean is afraid of what he might read. Will Sam accuse him or blame him? Will he rant about how Dean left him alone with their dad? Will he just say hello?

Eventually, Dean’s curiosity wins over his fear and he opens the envelope. At the first line of just “Dear Dean” written in his little brother’s handwriting he has to put the pages away again because he can’t hold back the tears. It’s too much. But Dean tells himself to be strong and that he deserves to suffer through everything Sam might throw at him in this letter, so he takes one last deep breath and starts reading.

 

_Dear Dean,_

 

_It’s not the first time in the last years that I sit down to write a letter to you but it’s the first time that I’m actually going to send it. I’m not sure I can even put into words what I feel right now and to be honest, this is the third version of the letter. I think it’s probably the best to at first tell you that I’m fine. High school is almost over and I’m applying to colleges. There are a lot of programs I’m interested in and my teachers think I have good chances to get a scholarship for most. But enough of school, I don’t want to bore you in the first couple of lines already._

_What do you even write to a person you haven’t seen in years? What I’ve done or how the time has been without you? I bet you’ve got a lot of questions and I have some too. I spent the past four years wondering where you are and how you’re doing_ , _if you chase all those plans and dreams you had. I wanted to imagine that you have your own little shop and rebuild all the cars you had as models on your windowsill when we were kids. I imagined you sitting on the porch of a little house by the sea, just like you always wanted. But in the end, all that ever truly mattered to me was that you’re safe and happy, free to do whatever you want. Because you deserve it._

_I don’t know if I ever showed you how grateful I am for what you did for me or if I was too much of a little brat to really appreciate it. If I didn’t, I’m sorry. And if I did, you probably know that there’s no one in my life more important than you. That hasn’t changed in the 1452 days since I last saw you._

_I know that you tried to protect me from what was going on between you and dad. But I was still old enough to understand it. And I understand you, why you had to leave. You’re my brother, Dean, and even though it hurt to see you go, I knew that it was the only right thing to do. So, please, don’t feel bad about it. You sacrificed so much already for me and for dad and you never, not once, asked about anything for yourself. And when you did, when you asked for just a little respect and equality, it was denied to you. So what, you’re an omega, who cares? I certainly don’t. I grew up with the best big brother one could ever have, strong and kind and funny. That are the things I remember and the things that make you who you are, not what kind of gender marker is on our license._

_I think I should probably tell you now that I presented as an alpha last year. It was a hard time for me because I remember what other alphas did to you and I felt ashamed to have the same gender as those people. But I know now that I can use it to help others, to help omegas fight for their rights. When I’m done with college I want to go to law school and go into civil rights. You are my inspiration to do that. Because the world misses out on amazing people like you when they keep holding on to archaic laws and social prejudices._

_I was glad to hear from Castiel and I’m also glad that you found a good friend that keeps an eye on you. Not that you couldn’t care for yourself, but if you still get into at least half as many fights as you did four years ago it’s better to know you have a brother in arms at your side._

_If my letter really reaches you, you’ve got my address and phone number now. Please call me and let me know how you’re doing. Castiel said you’re healthy and safe, but I rather want to hear that from you._

_Your little brother Sammy_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Saaaammmyyy!!! yes, there he is. Only on paper yet, but damn, I couldn't hold him back any longer. And it was sooooooo hard to write this letter. First of all, I'm not so experienced in writing from Sam's POV, so it was a bit of a challenge to think about what Sam would want to write in a letter to his brother. And then I also wanted it to be emotional... so, yeah, bit struggle there, but I think it turned out okay.
> 
> Anyone as excited as me for how things will change now?


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *rises from the grave* hellooooo everybody! Yes, I know, It's been too long since the last update. I gotta apologize, but I've been quite busy and the current heat in europe isn't improving my mood to write either... and then I binge-watched SPN season 13 and Gravity Falls with a friend last weekend, so... yeah, anyway, here's the next chapter.  
> What's happening in here was actually supposed to only be one part of the chapter but I got carried away, again. You'll learn all about Dean's past and because it's not an easy topic, there's a lot of dialogue in here. Hope it won't bore you.
> 
> Warning: Dealing with Dean's past means dealing with an abusive father, traumatic events, lot's of self-hate and talk about sex in various forms. So, be prepared if that might be a trigger for you. Keep safe!

When Dean runs upstairs and Cas can hear the door to their bedroom being slammed shut, the alpha waits. With how his mate reacted to the envelope and yelled and cried and didn’t even seem to be able to stand up straight, he assumes it’s best to give Dean time. Cas starts to walk up and down in the living room, trying to wrap his head around everything the omega had said and how much he failed again when he just wanted to make his husband happy. It’s all he wants lately, to make Dean happy and to make sure that the man feels comfortable around him, and yet again he managed to do the exact opposite. The alpha sits down in one of the armchairs and sighs.

“I’m so stupid,” he whispers and throws his head back.

Ten minutes pass, then thirty, then an hour; Cas still sits in the armchair, his hands gripping tightly to the armrest to ground himself. He’s starting to get nervous with still no sign from Dean. Anna came down after some time, only to give him a sympathetic smile and grab a magazine she forgot to take upstairs with her when she basically fled the argument between Dean and Cas. She strokes his shoulder on her way back to her bedroom. “It’s going to be fine.” Sometimes Cas wishes he’d have her boundless optimism.

After another half an hour, the alpha can’t take it anymore and jumps up from his seat. He doesn’t want to disturb his mate any further, but he at least wants to see if Dean is alright. Carefully, he walks upstairs and stops in front of their bedroom door. Cas waits another few seconds before he knocks.

“Dean? Are you alright?”

There is no answer and the alpha tries again. “Dean, can you hear me? I know I messed up, but please, let me explain.”

Again, the only sound is coming from his own breathing so Cas slowly pushes the handle down. The door is locked.

“Dean,” he says a bit more persistent this time, “please open the door.” But there is still no sound from inside, not even when Cas presses his ear to the door, and the alpha starts to worry. He closes his eyes to listen and to smell for any sign of distress but not being able to detect anything doesn’t calm him down at all. So instead, he kneels down to look through the keyhole only to find it blocked by the key still sticking inside.

“Great,” Cas murmurs and stands up again. He looks around and thinks for a few moments before he opens the top drawer of a nearby sideboard and pulls out one of Anna’s knitting needles. Carefully pushing it through the keyhole, Cas can feel the key move and eventually fall to the ground on the other side.

With step one accomplished, he rushes down the stairs and into the library, knowing that Michael keeps the spare keys in his desk drawer. It only takes a minute or two until he finally can unlock the bedroom door. Opening the door slowly to not make any sound, he peeks inside. Dean lies on the bed and when Cas takes a few steps into the room he can see that his mate is asleep on top of the sheets, face buried in his pillow.

“Dean?” he whispers to make sure the omega didn’t only close his eyes. The blond man stirs and turns on his back but stays asleep and Cas moves closer. Standing right next to the bed, he can see trails of tears on his mate’s cheeks and even though his face looks peaceful now, the redness around his eyes shows all the stress he must’ve gone through in the past one and a half hours. Cas watches his husband for some more time and sits down on the mattress.

The movement makes Dean stir in his sleep again and eventually, he opens his eyes. He runs a hand down his face and scratches his jaw. Sleepily, he looks at Cas and frowns. “Cas?” Dean’s voice is deep and gravelly, “What are you - ” He takes a look at the nightstand, then at the bedroom door. Yawning, he adds “I must’ve fallen asleep.”

Cas nods. “I came upstairs a couple of minutes ago and found you asleep. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Dean sits up and stretches his arms in front of him. “It’s okay, I’m fine, I… wait, how did you even get in here?”

Looking at the hands in his lap, Cas answers, “Um, I used the spare key. I was just worried when you didn’t answer the door.” He fidgets with the seam of the sheets. “Dean, I… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called Sam behind your back.”

The omega looks at him and blinks a few time to erase the last bit of tiredness from his eyes. He licks his lips and clears his throat. “No, I mean, yes, it wasn’t right to do it without my consent but… but I’m actually glad you called him. I’m glad you gave him this address. And,” he pauses and scratches his neck, “I’m sorry too. It wasn’t right to yell at you either. I behaved like an asshole and I didn’t mean what I said. Well, I kinda did mean it, but not anymore. Can you forgive me?”

Cas smiles and instead of answering with words he grabs Dean’s hand and squeezes it slightly. A wave of soft, earthy smell reaches his nose and warms his heart. “Is it a nice letter?”

Dean nods and unfolds the page he still holds in his hand, smoothing the paper with his fingers. There's a huge smile tugging at his mouth. “The world doesn’t deserve such a kind guy like him.”

Knowing how Sam talked about Dean on the phone and now seeing how Dean talks about his brother lets Cas understand just how close their relationship must’ve been. He’s glad that the letter made his mate smile and erased a bit of the fear from before. “Will you tell me what he wrote?” he asks carefully, pointing at the page.

The other man hesitates and shields the letter from Cas’ eyes before he bites his lip and looks up. “If you want… you can read it.”

Cas takes the page and sits down properly next to Dean on the bed with his back against the pillow and starts to read. He didn’t talk long to Sam on the phone but he still reads the words in the young man’s friendly voice in his head. It is indeed a nice letter, thoughtful and almost wise. Even though Cas doesn’t understand everything that Sam is referring to, he definitely gets all the emotions that are poured onto the page. It’s a letter written by a young man who misses his big brother immensely.

“This is awesome, Dean. And nothing to worry about for you. Sam loves you, no matter who you are or what you do. He seems to be a very smart guy.”

The omega doesn’t say a word and just nods. His jaw clenches and Cas assumes it’s to hold back the tears that are again threatening to roll down his cheeks. Out of instinct, the alpha reaches out to cup his mates face in his hand. “You really haven’t seen him in a long time, huh?”

Dean shakes his head and swallows around the lump in his throat. “I can’t believe he even counted the days. Knowing it’s been 4 years already sounds like a lot, but almost 1500 days?” he pauses and closes his eyes, leaning into the hand still on his cheek. “I miss him,” he whispers.

“Of course you do,” Cas answers with a sympathetic smile. He thinks about saying more, about giving advice, but he also doesn’t want to cross a line, worried it might backfire again. After some hesitation, he takes a deep breath and says, “You should call him.”

Dean falls backward on the mattress and groans, but it’s not an angry groan and rather one of exhaustion. “What am I gonna say?”

The alpha chuckles. “’Hello’ is usually a good start into a conversation.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Dean retorts and throws a pillow at Cas - playfully - before turning onto his side. “I’m scared. I… how can I even put into words what happened? I mean, it’s already hard enough for myself to sort through all the events and thoughts in my head, and I’m really not good with words.”

Cas lies down on his side to look his mate in the eyes. “You don’t have to be scared. Sam made it clear in his letter that he loves you and that he won’t judge you for anything. He’s a smart guy, he understood why you had to go and he’ll understand why you’re here now. It’s your decision how much and what you tell him.”

“Of course he will,” Dean murmurs and sighs, “but… I don’t know, it still feels like I owe him an explanation. He says he understands, but it’s just fair to actually say it and I don’t know if I find the right words.”

They stay quiet for a few moments and just stare at each other, listening to their combined breathing.

“Why don’t you tell me first,” Cas says after a while and shrugs at his mate’s wide eyes. “You don’t have to, of course, I just thought…”

“No, I mean, yes, I should tell you,” Dean stammers and props up his head on his arm. “We’re mates, right? It’s just… I have never actually told anybody what happened. And if you want to understand all of it I’d need to elaborate and tell you some other stuff first and…” he sighs.

Cas looks over Dean’s shoulder at the clock on his nightstand. “I’ve got time.”

So, Dean tells his story, starting at the very beginning with his earliest memories - all happy - about his mom and dad and Sam’s birth, then goes on to the not so nice parts of his history. Cas already knew some of it; that his mother died, for example, but not that it happened in a house fire and that a four-year-old Dean carried his baby brother outside. Cas knew that his dad has never been the same after that day, but he didn’t know just how much responsibility Dean had to put on his shoulders. Way more than a kid ever should, like raising his brother while still being a child himself or taking care of his father and the house.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Dean says, sitting up and putting a pillow behind his back, “Of course I did it because I was told to and I had to but also because I wanted it. Damn, I was _good_ at taking care of Sammy, real good, and my dad respected me for it. I don’t know if he ever realized that it was his job and not mine, but he at least showed that he was proud at me for being “a man” and for taking the responsibility. I…,” he sighs, “I felt useful and like my life had meaning. That’s how it worked for many years.”

The omega pauses and leans against the headboard. He closes his eyes like he’s seeing his memories flashing in front of them in colorful images. “I grew older and my dad let me work at the garage after school. At first, I just handed him tools, then he showed me how to change the lube… and eventually, I was skilled enough to work on some cars alone. I worked there every day after school for a couple of hours when Sam had projects or team meetings. Then I went home, cooked and cleaned, watched some TV while Sam did his homework. My dad usually came home pretty late,… if ever. Most of the time he spent the evenings in some bar.”

Castiel has a lot of mixed feelings. There’s anger; he’s angry at John Winchester for simply ignoring his responsibilities and shoving his job as a father at his son. But there’s also sadness and sympathy for the man who sits in front of him now and had to deal with so much trouble in just 22 years of his life so far. Cas knows he didn’t have the most loving childhood either, but at least he had one. Dean never got the chance to just be a kid.

“I don’t even know what to say,” Castiel says and shakes his head. “This was not the life you deserved to have.”

Dean bites his lip and sighs. “I know it doesn’t sound like much and I know it’s not how it should’ve been, but I was still kind of happy. At least I thought so at that time. Until…” The omega lets the sentence trail off and swallows, obviously too much in pain with the memory to say it out loud, so Cas comes to help him.

“Until you presented.”

Dean nods. His lips tremble and there’s a tear threatening to run down his face. He looks so young now, like a scared little boy who doesn’t know how to find his way home.

“There was no sign, nothing I can remember that would’ve told me that I’m an omega,” he whispers, “I mean, of course there are medical ways to find out, but they cost a lot and my dad never thought it’d be necessary. Why would it have been? Male omegas are rare, and no one who knew me ever considered that I would turn out a beta either. I’ve always been strong and tall, when I grew older I built up muscles and actually, I had pretty much everything other alphas have. Even my personality was so… _stereotypical_. I love cars and beer, I had a very alpha-like sex drive… So of course everyone thought I’d present as an alpha. And even when I didn’t present at the usual age of fifteen or sixteen no one seemed to think something was “off” with me.”

Dean groans and accidentally hits the back of his head on the headboard of the bed. He flinches and rubs the spot a couple of times.

“They all treated me like an alpha already, like a leader. And I loved it,” he continues, “I loved the attention from my school buddies - all absolute assholes in hindsight, by the way - and the respect I got from younger students. I was really popular with the girls and honestly, I switched them like underwear. Not really something I’m proud of now, but at that time? I was the freaking king of the school.”

Cas smiles softly. He imagines a younger, way more confident version of his mate walking across the hallways with rows of girls swooning behind him. It’s something he would’ve loved to witness, but knowing just how many girls Dean seduced also makes him kind of jealous.

“I bet your dad was proud of his son being so popular,” he huffs.

Dean shrugs. “We never talked much about school but he sure would’ve been proud. I mean, it’s how I was raised and how my life should’ve been. I’ve never been a super-brain like Sammy, so I thought I would take over the garage from my dad one day, would marry a sweet omega and build a house for us and our pups… My life was supposed to be simple.”

Shaking his head, Castiel snorts. “Life’s never simple.”

The omega huffs a laugh. “No, I guess it’s not.”

They stay silent for a few seconds again and Cas doesn’t dare to say anything because his mate looks like he fights with how to proceed. The sun is shining through the window and in the beam, he can see dust dancing in the air. The early February air is still bone-chilling cold outside but in here, the radiator creates a warm and secure bubble.

“It was the second week of senior year when I presented,” Dean goes on after a while. His voice is lower and he speaks slowly, almost as if the words just won’t come out of his mouth. “I remember waking up one morning with this incredible pain, like I was burning up from inside and Jack the Ripper was on vacation in my guts. I felt so terrible and I really thought I might die. Everything hurt and everything was so damn hot. My pants and the sheets clung to my skin and even when I threw them off the bed - soaked in what I thought was sweat - it still didn’t help.”

The omega pauses for a moment and breathes heavily. His eyes are staring into Castiel’s and he grips to his mate’s forearm as if searching for an anchor to keep him from drifting too much into the memory of that day. It’s obvious that Dean still fights with this story in his head, so Cas gives him as much time as he needs.

Dean sighs a few times before he seems to be able to keep telling his story. “I had no fucking clue what was going on, so I yelled for my dad. I couldn’t move, could hardly breathe.” Another deep breath. “I heard him already swearing outside my door. He probably smelled me but I didn’t know it at that moment. I just remember how he yanked my door open and… god, the horror in his eyes, I still see it in my dreams sometimes.”

Dean pauses again for a few seconds and tries to compose himself. His eyes are wet but he’s fighting so hard against the tears actually rolling down his cheeks. “His face showed nothing but shock and disappointment and… _disgust_.”

Castiel can’t hold back anymore at the sight of his mate hurting so much with the memory of presenting as an omega. He reaches out to pull the tall man closer and offers his neck for Dean to scent. It takes another minute or two but eventually, Dean’s breathing calms down and his smell loses some of its sting.

The omega clears his throat and returns to his story, still with skin contact with Cas. “He said something to me. I don’t really remember what it was but his face told me that it wasn’t something nice. I was in pain and I wanted my dad to help me and I didn’t understand at that moment why he just stood there at the other end of the room and covered his mouth and nose with his hand.”

“But he didn’t let you just lie there in your agony, right?”

Dean swallows. “Well… he brought me fresh sheets, a few bottles of water, and some cereal bars. Then I didn’t see him for a couple of days.”

Castiel chokes on his spit. “Wait… he what? Are you kidding me? He left you alone in this condition?”

Dean just nods as an answer and it’s all Cas needs to go full alpha mode. “I can’t believe it! His son presents, is in fucking pain, and that’s all he does? God, I hate him so much!”

“You and me both,” the omega chuckles. It sounds exhausted and not even slightly like the lighthearted and cheerful laughter that Cas knows from his mate by now. “It took me a while to realize what was going on and that the puddle I was lying in wasn’t sweat but slick. _My_ slick,” Dean continues, “It was… God, Cas, I felt so dirty and gross. I wanted to crawl out of my skin or scratch it off my body. It was a pure nightmare. And on top of it, I was horny as fuck. Not in the way I’d been used to…”

Dean lets go of Castiel’s arm and throws his legs over the edge of the mattress to sit up properly for a while. With his back turned to Cas, the alpha can still see the struggle of remembering and talking about the events from years ago.

“In hindsight, I think I always had a thing for guys, it’s not something that came with presenting, but I never took a moment to really consider it as an option or even think about it. I thought I was gonna be an alpha, alphas are attracted to omegas and I only ever met female ones and… you get the image. I… I was stupid and naive but that’s how I thought the world rolled.” Dean sighs and slowly leans backward until he lies on the bed again, his head resting on Cas’ lap. “And suddenly I was lying there, in heat, and I craved for someone to stick their dick up my ass. I was so ashamed of myself.”

Cas starts to gently run his fingers through his husband’s hair and watches how Dean closes his eyes at the nice feeling of it. “It’s an urge, Dean, you weren’t in a position to want anything with a conscious mind. It’s all about biology. And I read that especially male omegas tend to have very severe and painful first heats.”

“That didn’t make it better for me, though,” the blond man hisses before pinching the bridge of his nose. “If anything, it made my time worse because it’s been an eternal fight inside my head between my body telling me what to do, telling me to take something - _anything_ \- and stick it up my ass, and the fogged voice of my brain crying and yelling that this isn’t me, that I’m not a bitch who likes to get fucked.” He inhales deeply and holds the breath for a couple seconds before exhaling. Controlled breathing for controlled emotions.

“It hurt, Cas, it hurt a lot.”

The alpha tries to help with a reassuring smile and moving his massage down to the other man’s temples and then behind his ears. It seems to work at least a little bit.

“How did you… um… soothe the urge?” he asks after a while.

Dean opens his eyes and shrugs, a kind of funny movement in their position. “I didn’t.”

Cas frowns. “What do you mean you ‘didn’t’?”

“I didn’t give into it. I felt too gross, too dirty, and disgusted by myself. I mean, suddenly craving for someone to fuck me and knot me? I thought… I don’t know, I thought if I could resist it and not touch myself at all maybe it would change my fate. Probably the most stupid thing I’ve ever done, but I was too freaked out and ashamed to accept the fact that I’m an omega and that I need this to feel better in heat.”

Cas is speechless. He never experienced a heat and even though he has his periodic ruts as an alpha, he’s educated enough to know that it’s not comparable in the slightest. The pain Dean went through must’ve been hardly bearable.

“I… I can’t believe you went through all of that alone. Dean, I… I have no words to tell you how sorry I am.” He says.

The omega takes a pillow and puts it on his belly before crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Well, I wasn’t completely on my own. Sammy… he brought me food to my room every couple hours. I don’t think I would’ve survived the four days without his help. I’m so grateful for it.”

No matter which story of the brothers Cas hears, every single one makes clear how much they love each other and care for each other. It’s not fair that they are separated for so long now. “I’m glad you had him.”

Dean smiles softly and blushes. “Yeah, me too. But it was also the most embarrassing moment of my life. I mean, I’m Sam’s big brother, I took care of him since he was a baby, and all of a sudden I needed him to take care of me. Imagine your thirteen-years-old little brother coming into your room to bring you towels when you lie there whimpering and whining on your bed, butt naked, with a raging hard-on and slick pouring out of your ass. Those days changed everything; my life, my relationship to Sammy, just _everything_. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes after that.”

“I don’t think much changed for him. He still saw you - well, still _sees_ you - as his hero.”

With a little smile, Dean turns his head to the side and looks up at Cas. “I hope so. It’s just… back then, it changed everything for me. At school of course, and at home too. My dad… he didn’t speak to me for weeks and whenever he looked at me it was with disgust. Not that I blamed him. He hated me for what I became and I did too.” There’s a moment of silence before the omega goes on. “I had two more heats in a short time after that. Apparently, it’s normal for male omegas because we go through more intense body changes than women, but… yeah, it sucked. And I still couldn’t… well… really satisfy the urges. My dad would’ve never bought me a fake knot. Sammy offered to, but nope, I never would’ve let him do that. I stood in front of them in the drug store a couple of times but I didn’t dare to in the end. So I had to use my fingers and… let’s say it wasn’t enough.” There’s a hint of blush on Dean’s face when he says this but otherwise, he keeps talking normally. Cas feels very honored to be able to hear it. Maybe he gained some of his mate’s trust after all.

“I even had to go to the hospital after my third heat because I was dehydrated and too weak to walk. “

“What? That’s… I can’t believe you had to endure all of that,” Cas says with a shocked expression. He thought this story couldn’t get any worse but Dean proves him wrong one time after another.

The omega swallows. “Yeah… My dad had enough after that. He put me on heat suppressants. Probably because he didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I was fine with that though. It’s not like I liked going into heat. I even asked if we could get me scent neutralizers but he didn’t want to pay for them. So… yeah, I had to go to school still smelling like omega.”

Cas balls his fists and sits up more straight, accidentally knocking Dean’s head off his lap with the movement. But the omega doesn’t seem to care and sits up on his side of the mattress again too.

“I’m sorry, I may not have the right to rant and talk badly about people I don’t know, but your dad is a total assbutt!”

Dean chuckles. “Assbutt?”

“Yes, it’s all that comes to my mind when I think of him. Seriously, it’s not acceptable how he behaved. You’re his son for god’s sake. I didn’t have a happy childhood either, but he used you as a cheap babysitter, a maid, and a mechanic. He took your childhood away from you and it isn’t excusable with the fact that he was grieving his dead wife. Sure, it must’ve been horrible for him, but for you too! You lost your mom and instead of taking care of you and your brother he abandoned you!” Cas pants. He’s in rage and keeps balling his fists at the thought of John Winchester. “He shoved the responsibility on your shoulders and then when you needed him the most he turned his back on you. I believe in God and I believe that violence is not the right way, but damn, I want to punch him so hard right now.”

Dean smiles and leans in to peck him on the lips. “Thanks,” he whispers.

It brings Cas down from his rage a little bit and he calms down enough to take a few deep breaths. “You had every right to get out of there,” he says eventually.

With a big sigh, the other man leans his head back. “I didn’t run away at first, though. I thought I could still prove myself to him and to my schoolmates. I wanted to show them that I was still the same guy as before but they never gave me a chance. I went down a pretty bad road for a few months from then on. Actually, I never got off it until I came here. I started drinking, even more than I did before. I skipped class most days because I couldn’t stand how everyone looked at me. The same girls who swooned over me just weeks ago suddenly turned away and gossiped. I went to parties to pick up girls but yeah, as if anyone ever considered me as a sexual partner anymore.” Dean fidgets with his fingers and bites his lip. “I noticed some guys looking at me. Older guys from college or bikers coming through who attended our parties from time to time. I… I was grossed out by it at first, but one night - I was drunk off my ass - this one guy followed me around the whole evening and cornered me in the hallway. I didn’t even really think about what I was doing when I let him drag me into the closest empty room.”

Cas watches how his mate’s face turns red and he looks to the side, away from the stare of Castiel’s eyes.

“It hurt a lot the first time. I mean, I’m naturally lubricated but the guy didn’t take the time to get me worked up enough to actually produce slick. Thankfully it didn’t last long either. I went home and showered for over an hour, even when the water turned cold.”

“I’m sorry. That’s really not how your first time should’ve been,” Cas tries to soothe.

The omega just shrugs. “I felt terrible but I still kept doing it. There were more alphas than I imagined who wanted to have a little bit of fun with me.” Another pause interrupts the story and Dean seems to struggle with putting into words what he wants to say next. “Then there was this one night, I’d turned eighteen just a few weeks before and didn’t go to school at all anymore, but I went to parties almost every night. There was… one of my old “friends” from school, Gordon. He watched me the whole evening and I thought it was because he was disgusted by me or whatever. I wanted to confront him, was prepared to use my fists if necessary, but instead, he dragged me upstairs. I didn’t even care anymore and just bent over a desk, pulled my pants down and let him use me. God, he was so sloppy, I almost had to laugh.”

Cas frowns. He doesn’t like where this is heading.

“But then he started getting rougher and he really gripped me tightly,” Dean continues, swallowing, “I remember how he bent down to whisper in my ear. Stuff like how he was gonna knot me and pump me full of pups because that’s what omegas are made for. I freaked out and tried to get away but he pressed me against the desk, so I bit his arm that was next to my face. I bit hard, there was definitely blood. It was enough distraction to push him back and get away before he could knot me.”

“This is… oh my god, Dean, I’m so glad you got away.”

The omega chuckles low. “Yeah, me too. But when I came home, my dad was still up and he was furious. He screamed at me cause he could smell alpha arousal and slick on me and told me I’m just a cheap omega whore, greedy to get knocked up. I… I’d heard a lot of insults from him since I presented, but that was by far the worst. I mean, how can he even think like that? My mom was an omega too. So, yeah, I asked him if he’d treated her like that too. Not a good idea. He got even angrier and shouted and threw stuff at me.” He scratches his upper arm and sighs. “One of his beer bottles broke and a piece bored into my arm.”

Cas’ eyes widen. “Wait, is that where you’ve got the scar from?” He’s seen it before, felt the bump under his fingertips uncountable times. But he never would’ve guessed that his father had caused it.

“That was it for me. I ran away the next morning.”

“Understandable,” Cas says loudly.

“Well… My life after that wasn’t as eventful. I stayed with my uncle Bobby for some time. But I wanted to make it on my own, you know? I felt like there I was still too close to my dad’s grip, so I left again, took the Impala Bobby let me work on - well, rather stole it - and I’ve been on the road ever since.”

For a couple of seconds, there’s no sound besides their breathing. Knowing that this is Dean’s story, that he had to go through all this pain and humiliation, Cas can’t help but feel deeply ashamed for the society they live in but also very proud of Dean for still being this kind, loving, and cheerful person, even after the world spit on him so many times. He hugs the omega and holds on tightly.

“I’m so sorry, Dean,” he says and feels tears running down his face.

Dean returns the hug and exhales deeply against Cas’ skin. “It’s fine, Cas. I’m… I’m glad I told you. It was a horrible time, but it kinda makes me realize that I’ve got it better now.”

Swallowing around the lump in his throat, Cas leans back. “Are you sure? I mean, yes, it’s probably better than living on the road. But… Dean, I don’t want you to hold back anymore, I don’t want you to just be with me out of responsibility. I want you to be happy! And I swear, I will do everything in my power to help you with being happy, no matter what it takes.”

The other man smiles softly and brushes a single tear out of the corner of his eyes. “Thanks,” he whispers, then clears his throat. “I think I’m getting happier every day. At least it felt like that lately. So… I’d say I’m on a pretty good way. And with having the chance to set things right with Sammy again now… I think I’ll be even happier soon.” He leans back against the pillow and gently rubs his belly. “I mean, I’ve got you, right? I’m kinda starting to believe that this isn’t a bad thing between us. And soon I’ve got this little munchkin too.” His smile grows brighter when he looks down at his baby bump.

Cas sits there and watches his mate. He’s not only beautiful on the outside, but also kind-hearted and sweet and curious on the inside. It what had drawn him to Dean in the first place and slowly but steadily, those emotions bubble to the surface more and more. Cas tilts his head to the side and listens to Dean talking to their pup. It makes him laugh and a bit excited that they will hold their child in just a few months.

Suddenly, Dean’s expression changes and his mouth hangs open. “Whoa…”

He places both hands on his belly and keeps staring down at them while biting his lip. “Oh my god, oh my god, Cas, come here,” he says quickly and loudly. Dean reaches for Cas’ hand and pulls at it strongly.

The alpha falls forward and only hardly can keep himself from landing on the mattress face first.

“Here,” Dean says when he places his mate’s hand on his belly. “Can you feel that?”

Cas frowns and stares at the bump in Dean’s shirt. He doesn’t know what all of this is about, but he keeps staring with how excited his husband looks. After a minute, he is about to pull his hand back, but Dean holds on to his wrist.

“Wait, just one more moment.”

Frowning even more, Cas complies. It takes another few seconds but then he feels something. Almost as if…

“Oh my god,” he squeals, “Is this… oh my god, is this what I think it is?”

Dean nods vividly. “Yeah. I guess our kid is starting to ask for attention.”

Cas can’t believe it. He moves closer to Dean’s belly with his face as if he could see his baby’s kicks. There’s another one and another and both he and Dean end up giggling on their bed.

This is one of the moments Cas wants to remember as clearly as possible with every detail burned into his brain. Dean’s smile and laugh, his voice and his wide, sparkling eyes. Cas hopes that his mate will remember it just as much and maybe one day this kind of memories will not erase but at least overshadow all the pain he had to go through. Because Dean deserves it. He deserves to be happy and to feel valued and being cared for. Dean deserves everything in the world, and most of all he deserves to be loved.

With a big grin on his face, Cas leans in and captures his mate’s lips in a sweet and gentle kiss.

_Well, I do_ _…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow... I didn't mean to write so much dialogue, but Dean's story isn't written in two sentences. This topic being in the open now will definitely improve and deepen Cas and Dean's relationship. It's about time, and Cas already fell for his mate anyway.
> 
> I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend. Thank you so much for still sticking around or for being new here and joining me on this weird journey. Love you, keep safe <3


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, not much to say this week, only that I hope you had a nice week and good start into the weekend. Enjoy this chapter and whatever else you're doing

Dean has at least one hand on his baby bump from then on to try to feel the pup kicking. Sometimes he isn’t even sure if it’s his child or maybe just gas, but other times he’s pretty sure that the little one is step dancing inside of him. Cas stays at his side as often as possible and joins his mate on the hunt for baby kicks. They’re not always strong enough yet for the alpha to feel, though, and in those moments, Dean is a bit sad that he can’t share the immense joy that rushes through him. But once in a while, even Cas notices the tiny flutters and his face lights up so brightly that Dean help but feel warm inside at the sight of his husband. The alpha even starts to talk to their baby, rubbing a thumb on Dean’s skin and being at eye level with his belly button.

Especially in the early morning hours, when Cas needs to get up for school or work, they almost cling to each other and prolong this intimate togetherness as much as possible. Dean slowly feels comfortable with… well, with being comfortable around Cas. He still has doubting thoughts, sometimes still searches for the snag, but mostly he let’s himself fall into the easiness of their interactions. And to be honest, most of the time it’s him who initiates physical contact. He reaches out to grab Cas’ hand or snuggles to his side when they lie in bed and drift off to sleep. Dean notices that he needs it, and not because the mating forces him to but because he simply likes being close to a person he cares for. Yes, somewhere along the road he seems to have started to like Cas and to care for him. Genuinely.

The omega stands in front of the mirror each morning and is still amazed at his body’s transformation. Sure, he could definitely do without the leg cramps and swollen feet or the abdominal aches which made him panic the first time so he had to call the doctor. In the end, it’s nothing uncommon and Dean could relax again. But well, better safe than sorry. While he used to sleep on his stomach, he moved to sleep on his side months ago, something that seems to come in handy now since it prevents his growing uterus from putting more pressure on the blood vessels in his back. Yes, Dean has read more than a dozen books about pregnancy by now. He started going through stuff on the internet but was honestly scared by some of the experiences other pregnant guys shared. So instead, he drove downtown one day and cleared the whole section on male pregnancy - a very small variety, by the way -  in the bookstore. At first, he sat in a bistro nearby to have lunch and flip through some pages but more and more customers and also some waiters were staring at him, so he moved all his purchases to the car and drove home.

Cas listens every night to his explanations and stories about what he learned from the books. And every night, the alpha also asks: “Have you talked to your brother today?” Dean’s answer is always the same. “No.”

It’s almost a week since he got the letter from Sam and Dean still hasn’t called his brother. He dialed the number a couple of times but never hit that small green icon on the bottom of the display. He wants to, so badly, but he always wonders if it’s the right time for Sam or if he’ll have enough uninterrupted time himself to not have to hang up again soon. And sometimes it’s just plain nervousness that keeps him from calling his brother.

One night, when Dean yet again tells his mate that he didn’t have the balls to call Sam, Cas sits up on his side of the bed and motions for Dean to sit in front of him. The alpha started to massage his back the last weekend when Dean mentioned tension in his muscles and it became a bit of a ritual for them. The omega already longs for this sort of proximity every day. Starting with soft pressure on his shoulders, then his neck - carefully avoiding the skin around the burn wound on his mating bite -, Cas’ hands wander down his spine and lightly brush against his sides. It tickles and makes Dean twitch for a moment, the fine hair on his body standing upright with goosebumps all over his torso. The alpha uses his thumbs to rub soothing circles on his skin, and the longer it takes, the heavier their combined scents grow, surrounding them like an intoxicating bubble of safety and happiness. Dean flinches the first time he feels Cas kiss the back of his neck, right beneath his short hair, and the softly blow on the wet spot his lips left behind. The surprise of the sudden gesture quickly subsides with the thrill of intimacy and anticipation. The alpha is careful and attentive, never crosses a line, and it helps Dean to let himself enjoy the contact of their skin. After all he’s been through, he finally starts to see that it’s okay; it’s okay to like his mate and to like being touched, it’s okay to lean in for a kiss without feeling guilty towards his past self and to bury his nose in the crook of Cas’ neck. Nothing should stop him from embracing what obviously makes him happy, not even the fear and the horror of the past. Instead of doubting everything around him, he finally is glad about all the little things in his life that he can cling to and that help him float on the surface of a sea of pain and despair. He hasn’t reached his safe harbor yet but he can see it on the horizon with Cas as his lighthouse keeper to guide the way.

The realization that he’s getting better, that his life is going somewhere even though he doesn’t know the destination yet - the realization that he has _hope_ \- leads Dean to turn his head around and capture Cas’ lips in a passionate kiss. The alpha gasps while Dean keeps pouring everything he just had flowing through his mind into the movements of his mouth. In the blink of an eye, Cas takes off his shirt and throws it in the general direction of their laundry bin. Now there’s even more hot skin touching and almost sticking to each other, and eventually, the two fall asleep like this; with Cas’ chest pressed against Dean’s back, with the alpha’s hand softly resting on the omega’s belly, and with their combined scents lying over them just as comforting and warming as the heavy duvet over their sheets.

When Dean wakes up the next morning he keeps his eyes shut because Cas has turned on the lights. He still notices his mate kneeling on the floor beside his head and planting a soft kiss on his lips. Dean groans and chases the other man’s lips with closed eyes after their mouths part again.

The alpha chuckles. “I’m gonna go now,” he whispers.

Dean can smell the minty toothpaste on him and also the dominant, almost pungent scent of the aftershave. He doesn’t like it when Cas puts on the musky, extreme alpha fragrance that covers most of his naturally fresh, salty scent. But as the dark-haired man has told him, it’s common to wear those sorts of things when working at a law office. Dean is sure he wouldn’t survive going to that place with dozens of alphas running around smelling like this.

“I’ll be home late again,” Cas goes on. “But I’ll have a task for you.”

Dean groans again. He’s still too much asleep to process instructions.

“I want you to call Sam today. It’s not a command, but I know you always say it’s not the right time, so for today I made sure you won’t be interrupted.”

The omega slowly opens his eyes and is about to object, but Cas is faster. “My mom is gone for most of the day, so are Michael and I. Anna and Jake go to visit her parents and even Luke has some appointments. You just sleep some more, take a shower and make a cup of tea. Maybe watch some episodes of Friends or B99 or whatever. Take your time, relax. But call him.”

Dean knows he should and Cas’ arguments are valid, but he still pouts. The alpha takes it as an invitation to press another soft kiss on his lips and then stands up smiling. “Don’t worry, it’s going to be fine.”

Fine, yes, easy to say for the alpha, but Dean still takes his advice because he finally wants to talk to Sammy. So he takes things slowly that day, gives himself time to be calm and relaxed. He eats leftovers from last night’s dinner for lunch, sits with a slice of pie in front of the TV, then does a load of laundry and sweeps the floor in the hallway. It’s good to keep his mind busy so that he doesn’t work himself up again- And when it’s five in the afternoon, he decides that he can try to call Sam. Well, at first he sits on the sofa and stares at his phone on the coffee table for a few minutes. _Come on, you got this._

The dialing tone sounds loud in his ears, louder than it probably is for real, and it kind of reminds Dean of the last time he’s been so nervous to call someone. A few months back, he struggled to call Cas to talk about his pregnancy. _It_ _’s funny how things can change,_ he thinks and softly strokes his baby bump. But this now is hardly comparable to the situation he’s been in back then. It’s his brother, for god’s sake, this is a good and happy event and he should just man up about it. Dean decides to behave confident and mature, but the moment someone picks up on the other side of the line, his heart beats so intensely that he isn’t sure his rip cage can contain it.

“Yes?”

Dean waits for a moment before he answers. He knew that hearing his brother’s voice would make him emotional but it’s downright tearing him up and he has to hold the phone away for a second to swallow.

Sam repeats himself on the other side of the line. “Hello? Who’s there?”

With trembling lips, Dean answers. “Hey, Sammy.”

There’s a loud intake of breath then nothing but silence for a couple of seconds and Dean knows that his brother must’ve recognized him.

“Dean?” asks a shaky voice.

The omega nods excitedly until he realizes that the other man can’t see him. “Yeah, it’s me.”

A loud band, followed by Sam cursing and a few other people laughing in the background is all Dean hears for a while. “Is it bad right now? I can call later.”

“No!” Sam shouts, “No, wait a second, I just got to -” his voice gets quieter as he apparently talks to the other people around him. “Guys, I gotta go, see you tomorrow.” Another loud band, another swear word. Dean chuckles.

“Sorry, wait,” Sam says, a bit out of breath, his footsteps echoing through the phone. “Okay, now I’m ready. Sorry, I was in a team meeting. But I’m out of the building now.”

Dean smiles and scratches the back of his neck. “If you’re busy I can really call again later.”

“No, really, I’m fine, I want to talk now.”

A few seconds of silence pass until they both apparently can’t hold back anymore and the words burst out. “How are you?” Sam asks just when Dean says “I miss you.”

They both chuckle and Dean leans back on the couch. He can still hear Sam walking somewhere, probably outside, with traffic noise and a howling dog nearby.

“I miss you too,” Sam says. The omega isn’t sure if he just imagined the sound of a sniff.

“I can’t believe we’re actually talking,” he says, “… it’s been so long.”

Sam agrees. “Yes. _Too_ long. God, I’m so glad you called. I wasn’t even sure you would get my letter and even then… I mean, I didn’t know if I could trust this Castiel guy but when he called me and told me about you I was just so thrilled and excited. But then I doubted if it was even for real or some bad joke or so. He didn’t really sound like someone you would be friends with. But then again -” the loud honk of a truck drowns Sam’s words and the alpha has to repeat himself. “But then again, it’s been four years, you’re friends with real adults now, huh?”

Dean laughs nervously. _Yeah_ _… friends…_ “It’s been really nice of Cas to call you. I… I have to admit I didn’t even know until I got your letter. It was kinda meant as a surprise.”

“Oh, so… it wasn’t your idea to contact me.”

Cold sweat runs down Dean’s neck and he swallows. “No,” he admits and waits for any sign of Sam’s disappointment. There is no. “But I wanted to. I really did, just… with all that happened back then -”

“I get it,” Sam interrupts him, his voice not reproachful or judging at all, “It’s fine Dean. I’m just glad to have you back.”

A tear rolls down Dean’s face and he has to bite his lip to hold in more. “Me too, Sammy.”

“You know, no one has called me that in four years.”

“Well, no one better does. Only I am allowed to call you that,” Dean chuckles.

“You are.” After a short moment of silence, the younger brother sighs and adds, “Damn, I really wanna see you right now, not only talk to you on the phone.”

Dean agrees. It’s nice to hear his little brother’s voice, to talk to him after over four years of absence. But it feels like it’s not enough. He wants to look him in the eyes. Or maybe not; cause he’s still got a few shocking news to tell. But when is the right time to approach them?

“Do you have skype?” Sam asks and Dean frowns.

“No,” he says, “should I?”

He can hear laughter from the other side of the line. _Damn, it_ _’s so good to hear him laugh._ “It’s a computer program, Dean. For video calls.”

“Oh,” the omega says. “Well, I can get it on my laptop I guess. Is it complicated to install?”

Sam chuckles. “No, it’s not. You will manage it. I just have to drive home, okay?”

“Sure.”

Dean smiles brightly and has already taken a few steps upstairs to get his laptop. He knows he’s got to say goodbye to Sam for now so that the other man can drive home, but he really doesn’t want to. After all this time, even if they wouldn’t say a word, simply knowing that his brother is there on the other side of the line makes him feel warm and excited. They hang up eventually, though, and Dean spends the next ten minutes trying to figure out how to download and install this “skype” program. Once he set up everything in the living room, buts a glass of water on the table and made sure he sits comfortable, he waits. But only for about a minute, because then he starts to get nervous. He jumps up and runs to the guest bathroom near the entrance, looking at himself in the mirror and poking at his face.

_Should I shave? Ugh, don_ _’t be stupid, he’s not gonna care if you’re shaved or not. But maybe comb through your hair again? It got too long again anyway. Shit, I should’ve gone to the haircutter with Cas last week…_

In reality, he looks just fine. His hair is just as short as ever and clean and everything but tousled. So is his light three-day stubble, but Dean keeps getting more nervous about actually _seeing_ his brother. He knows what Sam looks like now, has seen dozens of pictures on the school’s webpage of the once chubby-faced little boy who now sports real muscles and almost shoulder length hair. But Sam, on the other hand, hasn’t seen him in four years and Dean isn’t sure anymore how much he has changed since then. And if for the better, he doesn’t know at all.

_Come on, he_ _’s your brother, he doesn’t care how you look like._

Only his baby bump… yes, that’s something he needs to cover up at first. Dean doesn’t want to just throw it in the other man’s face that he’s pregnant. Better take it slow and with some lighter conversation.

The omega can hear _Back in Black_ blasting in the living room, splashes cold water on his face and runs back to answer the phone. “Yeah?”

“So, I’m home and at my desk,” Sam answers. He pauses for a moment and whistles. “I still can’t believe I could just call you. Just like that.”

Dean sits down on the sofa again and adjusts the screen of his laptop. “Yeah, still a bit odd.”

“Anyway, did you manage to install it.”

“Sure,” Dean answers. He can almost _hear_ his younger brother’s grin on the other side of the lin.

“Gimme your username then I’ll call you.”

Dean opens the program himself and says. “IMPALA67. All capitals, no spaces.”

Sam snorts. “Really? Oh man, you haven’t changed at all, have you?”

“Hey,” Dean replies with a pretended pout.

After a few seconds and some typing sounds from Sam, he can hear the alpha hum. “Ah, here we’ve got you. Wait… Dean _Novak_? That’s… I think I got the wrong one.”

Dean swallows. _Shit_ … He didn’t know that Sam could see other things than his username, and to be honest, he’d had to sign in at so many places lately that he kinda got used to his new last name. “Uhm, no, it’s fine, that’s me. It’s… it’s a long story.”

Sam doesn’t say anything for a while and Dean already gets nervous if he’d fucked it all up now, but then his brother hums again. “Okay. I’m gonna hang up now and call you on skype, okay?”

“Okay,” is all Dean can say before the line goes dead and he is left with a heavy knot in his guts. _It_ _’s gonna be fine. I wanted to tell him anyway, now is just as good as any other moment._

An unfamiliar sound from the laptop announces the incoming video call from Sam. Dean braces himself, takes one last deep breath and answers the call. A window pops up on the screen and after a few seconds of black screen with a round progress bar, his brother’s face smiles at him in 16:9.

“Hey,” Dean says and waves into the camera.

“You gotta turn on your webcam,” Sam answers. With his instructions, the omega manages to turn the little camera on and can now see himself in a tiny window in the bottom right corner of the big window.

“Hey,” Sam answers.

They just stare at each other for a moment until the younger brother’s face contorts into a big grin. “You haven’t changed at all,” he says, “a bit more scruffy, but otherwise… just like I remembered you”

Dean snorts and rubs the stubble on his face. “Well, I guess you have changed enough for the two of us,” Even though he’d like to make fun of Sam for the hair, he can’t help but smile from ear to ear at the sheer possibility to _see_ his brother. “You look good, man. Even with the hair.”

“I knew you couldn’t hold back a comment.”

The omega laughs. “Oh, I’m holding back, believe me.”

Sam sighs and shakes his head. “I… I’ve got so much to say. And so many questions. I don’t even know where to start.”

Dean ducks his head for a moment and scratches his neck. He bites his lip. “Well, you already told me a lot in the letter. It’s… it’s just fair that I tell you some stuff about me. What do you wanna know?” He nervously drums with his fingers on the coffee table and looks away from the screen while Sam seems to consider his questions. He should’ve asked the other man something first, should’ve started a conversation about anything, just to give himself a bit more time to think things through. But like he said, it’s just fair to tell Sam something about him.

The young alpha shrugs. “I guess the most important thing is if you’re fine. How are you?”

“Uhm, good. I’m fine. I’m healthy, have a nice place to live. Everything I need, I guess.” Dean answers. It’s not a lie, but it’s not the whole truth either.

“I can see it in the background. Wow, is that your own place?”

The omega turns around and notices that Sam can take a glance at the fireplace and the huge windows showing the snowy garden outside. “Not exactly. It’s…”

“A long story?” Sam asks and raises his eyebrows.

Dean just nods.

“Like the reason why you’re using the name Novak instead of Winchester?”

Again, the omega just nods. He can feel his lips begin to tremble and even his hands are shaking. “Look, Sam, -” he starts, but he can’t finish the sentence. The words just won’t come out.

His brother seems to notice and smiles softly. “You don’t have to tell me, Dean. It’s fine. All I want is for you to be safe and happy. How and why, I don’t need to know if you don’t want to talk about.”

_Always the wise and sympathetic guy_ _…_ Dean sheds a tear and takes a deep breath. “I - I want to tell you. It’s important. But I don’t know how, and I’m scared how you might react.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m your brother, remember? I’ll be fine with whatever you wanna tell me. Did you kill someone and took over their house?”

Dean snorts. “No.”

Sam shrugs. “Then it can’t be that bad.”

The omega huffs a laugh. _I_ _’m mated, I’m married… I’m pregnant._ It isn’t that hard thinking it, but saying it out loud… he just can’t. He prepared for exactly this moment, hell, he _practiced_ it with Cas, and it’s been okay then, but now? Dean looks down at his hand. He wishes he’d wear his wedding ring right now so he could just hold up his left hand and show it to his brother. Sam is smart, he would get it, and Dean wouldn’t need to actually say it. But he still doesn’t wear it outside of church or other official things.

“I… my name is Novak ‘cause… ‘cause I’m mated. And married.”

Dean presses his eyes closed and clenches his teeth. He waits for a shocked intake of breath or a scream, but all he hears from Sam after about ten seconds of silence is “Holy shit. Dean, wow… I mean, congratulations? That’s… that’s… wow.”

The omega opens his eyes again and carefully looks at the screen where his little brother stares with wide eyes and an open mouth. But he doesn’t look disappointed; rather excited.

“Wait a second,” the alpha continues, “Novak? As in _Castiel Novak_?”

Dean swallows around the lump in his throat and nods. “Yeah… Cas and I… he’s my… my _mate_.”

Sam grins even wider and starts to laugh. “I can’t believe it, wow, I talked to your mate, your husband… my _brother-in-law_. I just thought he’s a good friend, but that he’s…”

The younger man obviously has problems getting a grip on his thoughts and he keeps stammering some more until Dean clears his throat. “And… you’re okay with that? I mean, Cas is an alpha.”

Sam frowns at him. “Of course I’m okay with that, why wouldn’t I? It’s not like -” suddenly, the younger brother seems to realize what Dean was aiming at and bites his lip. “Oh… you mean… because of why you ran away?”

Dean nods.

“Oh, come on, Dean. That’s four years ago. People change. Sure, you wanted to get away from home and all the alphas, and you had every right to do that, but I wouldn’t want you to stay alone all your life because of the bad experiences you had at home. There are good alphas out there. I’m just glad you found one.” After a moment of thinking, Sam adds, “He is nice, right? He’s not treating you badly, or? Cause I would so kick his ass if he was.”

The omega chuckles. “Hey, that’s my line,” he says, “But yeah, Cas is a nice guy. He’s very kind and attentive.” Dean withholds all the trouble they had in the beginning and that their relationship isn’t really what someone would call traditional or even romantic. He doesn’t want to worry his brother, but it’s also not wrong what he’s saying, because no matter how hard he had it with Cas at first, the alpha sure as hell made it up and still does. All the sweet moments and shared intimacies… the date at the planetarium and the walk in the park… how he holds Dean every night and kisses him goodbye in the mornings… _Yeah, Cas is a nice guy._

“Oooh, I can see that you’re thinking of him right now. I never thought I’d see my big brother all lovey-dovey but here we are.”

Dean blushes. “I’m not _lovey-dovey_ , okay?”

The alpha chuckles and raises his eyebrows. “Whatever you say.”

“Oh, shut up, bitch.”

“Jerk.”

They both grin at each other and it’s like the last four years didn’t happen at all. “This is so great news,” Sam says after a while and then a waterfall of questions rush out of the younger brother’s mouth. “How long are you together? How did you meet? Is he really a lawyer or did he just use it as an excuse to talk to me? Damn, I was so worried about you at times, but I didn’t have to, right? Of course you would make it in the end. And now you’re _mated_. Isn’t that what you always wanted in the first place? And what are you doing? In Chicago, I mean, do you have a job in a garage, or where are you working?”

Dean struggles keeping up with all the questions and they form a knot in his stomach. Sam is so excited and so proud, but he doesn’t know what really happened and what’s really going on. Dean’s jaw clenches at the thought of bursting his little brother’s bubble. _Maybe that_ _’s enough. Maybe we can leave it where it is for now. The baby isn’t gonna be born for a couple of months still, so there’s enough time to approach this topic another time…_ Only that Sam seems to notice that something is off.

“Hey, everything alright? You look a bit pale.”

Dean tries to laugh it off, but he underestimated just how persistent his brother is by now. He’s not the lanky little boy anymore; he’s a man, and he still seems to know Dean very well.

“Come on, man. I won’t bite you for telling me the truth.”

The older brother swallows and scratches his head. “You know, uhm, right now, I’m not really working. I’m… Cas and I, we’re living with his family and he needs to focus on school, so… he’s becoming a lawyer. I don’t even know if I can imagine him as one, I mean, sure, he probably is freaking good at it, but I’m not always sure he’s happy with it and… yeah, anyway, I stay at home most of the time and do stuff around here.”

Sam frowns a little at first, then his features relax again and he puts on a smile. “Well, that’s totally okay, if you, I mean… if you decided on this by yourself, that’s totally fine.” The alpha pauses for a moment and bites his lip. “Sorry, I know I said I would be okay with everything you do, and… I _am_ , but I can’t help wondering if this is making you happy. I mean, sure, you always took care of everything at home here, but… you had so many dreams about working on cars and stuff like that. You’re not giving up on that, right? It’s just temporarily right now, huh?”

Dean smiles softly. Of course Sam would say this. What is it with them that they always worry about each other and yet try to be open about the other man’s choices? “Yeah, it’s just temporarily. Of course I don’t want to stay at home forever. Just… right now…” His pup kicks then and Dean strokes his belly with his hand. “It’s just better because…” another kick, stronger this time, and it’s almost as if the pup listens to their conversation and demands its daddy to mention it. Dean sighs. _Okay, I take it as a sign._ He takes a deep breath and continues talking to Sam. “I’m staying at home right now because I’m pregnant.”

This time, the omega stares right at the screen. He simply forgot to close his eyes or look away, and so he is able to watch his little brother’s eyes widening and his mouth falling open as soon as the words kick in. Sam seems to try to say something but for more than half a minute, he just stares and his eyeballs twitch like his brain has a hard time processing all of this.

“This is insane… I mean, wow. On one day, I saw my brother again for the first time in four years, I found out that I have a brother-in-law now and… and I’m gonna be an uncle. Shit, _I_ _’m gonna be an uncle_. And you are going to be a dad, I… I don’t know what to say.”

Dean chuckles. A heavy weight falls off his shoulders when Sam reacts so cheerfully. “Yeah, I know, I still can’t believe it myself sometimes.”

“I bet,” Sam says and shakes his head unbelieving, “Mated and married… and now a pup on the way. And you just turned 22… oh, belated happy birthday, by the way.”

“Thanks. Yes, it’s pretty fast, but… it wasn’t actually planned in the first place.”

Sam nods. “I figured as much. I bet Castiel was shocked when you told him.”

Biting his lip, Dean things back to the moment he found out and to the walk in the park he had with Cas when he finally mustered the courage to tell the alpha. “Oh, yes, he was definitely shocked.”

“Sure, even mating is not that common when you're still in school, but having a child... How long have you been mated when you got pregnant?”

That’s the moment when sweat starts to form on Dean’s forehead and he nervously drums his fingers on his thigh. “Uhm… so, funny story - well, actually not so funny at all - but, anyway… I didn’t know Cas before I got pregnant.” At his brother’s quizzical expression, he explains further. “It was a one-night-stand.”

Sam huffs a laugh and raises his eyebrows. “Really, Dean? A one-night-stand? I mean, I’m not judging, just… well, doesn’t matter in the end, right? At some point, you two must’ve fallen in love with each other and decided to mate.”

The best thing for Dean now would be to say yes. It would close the topic, no one would get hurt, and they could go back to talk about easier things. But the truth is nagging at his mind and he simply wants to tell someone who’s definitely on his side and who didn’t witness the last couple of months. That would be selfish, though, and he can’t stand the thought of worrying his brother. “Yeah,” he says eventually and as convincing as possible. “Took some time, but now it is what it is. I’m… I’m happy, Sam.”

The last words keep floating in his mind for hours; even after they changed the topic and talk about Sam’s senior year and his plans for college. Dean isn’t sure anymore what’s right and what was a lie. It’s getting late and  at some point, the younger brother looks at his watch

“I should do my homework and eat something. Man, we talked for 3 hours now.”

Dean realizes that he hadn’t eaten anything since lunch and not even noticed it. “Oh, you’re right. Well, I should eat something too. I’m eating for two now.” A thought strikes his mind. “Oh, and… about dad…”

“I’m not gonna tell him about you.”

Dean sighs loudly at that and nods. “Thanks. I wouldn’t want him to know where I am and about Cas and the pup. Anyway… he’s not bothering you, right?”

Sam smiles and shakes his head. “Not really. He was really angry and upset at first after you were gone, but I think mostly because he suddenly had to actually do something at home instead of shoving it all onto you. He tried to get me into the garage but I made pretty clear that I won’t work there. And since I presented as and alpha, he basically just leaves me alone. We barely see each other anymore.” After a short pause, he adds, “He freaked out when I told him I wanted to go away for college. He was trying to give me a guilty conscience because he would be all alone with me gone. I told him he maybe should’ve thought about that before treating you like shit. He hasn’t spoken to me since, but I actually can live with that.”

Dean’s eyes widen. “Damn, I still forget how _mature_ you are now. And thanks… for saying that about me.”

“It’s fine. He’s an asshole.”

Biting his lip, Dean nods. “Then… go do your homework and eat something. We’ll talk another time, huh?”

Sam’s mouth turns into a big grin. “Yes. I can send you texts now. And hey, maybe I can even come to visit you this summer? I wanna meet my niece or nephew.”

They spend ten minutes saying goodbye, every single time finding something they need to say before they eventually hit the red button and the window on Dean’s screen closes. He sits there for another few minutes and grins. He really just talked to his brother. It makes him incredibly happy and he even hums while making dinner for himself.

When Cas comes home later that evening, Dean throws his arms around his mate’s neck and pulls him in to thank him for insisting on calling Sam. And even though he wondered if telling his brother that he’s happy is the truth or not, going to bed with his mate and feeling the other man snuggle to his back makes Dean realize that it’s been less of a lie than he thought. Before he closes his eyes, he types a quick text to Sam.

**< < goodnight, bitch>>**

The phone vibrates on his nightstand but Dean doesn’t have to look at it to know what it’s saying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Saaaaaammmmmyyyyy!!! Yes, he's back, and the boys are just as dorky and loving with each other as they used to be as kids. Hope you liked it. Love y'all <3


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo everybody! It's been so long since I last updated but I finally finished this chapter. Phew, I really had so much stuff going on in my mind lately, I just hope I can focus on writing a bit more in September. I got my admission letter from university and will start studying English and Geography in October to become a teacher *yay* now I just have to get used to juggling between university and work
> 
> I hope you had a nice time lately and found something to busy yourself with while I was absent. Anyway, enjoy the chapter <3  
> !Warnings in the end-notes!

Dean starts to talk to his brother on the phone most of the evenings and the rest of the day they're texting or sending gifs. Castiel knows all of this because he witnesses it; when Dean forwards a meme to him or when he texts him something the two brothers have talked about. It's a beautiful sight for the alpha to see his mate genuinely smiling and laughing, to see him brighten up each day and even sleep better at night. And what truly amazes him is that Dean seems to want him to be involved in the Winchester's reunion.

One night, when the dark-haired man comes home from work, he finds his husband on their bed, cross-legged and with the laptop in front of him, talking fast and with a big grin on his face.

"No, I swear, it's really good. Action, horror. Even got some drama for deep people like you," Dean says.

Sam's voice sounds loudly from the speakers. "I don't know... seems a bit unrealistic to me. This whole monster-hunting stuff and how they drive through the country in an old Mustang."

"Hey," Dean pouts, "It's a mystery show, it can't be realistic, you moron. Just give it another try. Watch the first season and then tell me what - oh, hey Cas."

The omega looks up from the screen when Castiel enters the room and eagerly waves at him to come over before he turns the laptop around so that Cas can see the screen.

"Here, may I introduce? Cas, Sam. Sammy, Cas."

The alpha is a bit taken by surprise but and awkwardly waves into the camera at his brother-in-law. "Hello."

Sam, a young man with sharp facial characteristics, kind eyes, and chin-long hair grins on the screen. "Oh hey," he says, "It's so awesome to finally have a face to the voice. Dean wasn't able to send me a photo of you."

"Because there just is no photo!" Dean adds and turns the laptop around again, waving at Cas again to come closer. "Not even on the office webpage."

Castiel puts down his briefcase and hangs up his jacket before he walks over to the bed to join Dean in his Skype-session with Sam. The three of them talk for hours, sometimes with Castiel just listening to the brothers laughing and joking about things they used to do in the past, sometimes with Sam and him discussing recent political developments. He notices that Dean stays out of those discussions most of the times and he offers to change the subject but the omega always assures them that he is just glad to see them get along so well and geek out together.

Cas is excited to learn a lot about how his mate was as a child and teenager, but also about Sam. He's an impressive young man with visions, a big heart, and good intuitions. It's obvious that he is good at holding speeches and at motivating people with how eloquent and precise he defends his point of view. Castiel wants to tell Dean that he did a good job raising his little brother but he better keeps this for later when they are alone.

These evening talks become regular and when Castiel misses them because he has to work late or goes to the library to study, Dean is exhaustive at telling him every detail of their conversation.

"I want to ask the doc for an extra sonogram pic on Tuesday so I can send one to Sammy," the omega says one night when they lie in bed way after midnight and try to feel their pups kicks.

Cas smiles and uses the one hand that doesn't rest on his husband's belly to scroll through their Netflix list. "Are you nervous?"

"About what? the ultrasound?"

The alpha nods and kisses his mate on the temple. "It's the mid-term check-up. Maybe we will see the pup's gender."

Dean hums. "What would you prefer? A boy or a girl?"

"I don't care," Castiel frowns, "I want them to be healthy. Everything else is of minor importance."

The omega turns around and grins at his mate. "Good answer. I'm having a good influence on you."

Cas chuckles and nods. "You do." He leans in to kiss Dean and runs a hand up and down the blond man's back. They completely forget about Netflix.

The excitement about the next doctor's appointment doesn't last long because they have to cancel it. One morning, when Cas gets ready for work as quietly as possible to not wake the still softly snoring Dean, something tickles his nose. He doesn't know what it is and already things he might have caught a cold in the rain the day before. By the time he arrives at the office, he feels good again, though, and forgets about it again until shortly before lunch, when he gets a call from Anna; Dean is in heat.

Castiel doesn't care about the coffee he spills in that moment or the face of his brother when he rushes to the older man's office to explain the situation. He doesn't even care about the other associates sitting in the meeting with Michael because all he can think about is his mate being a home and probably being in pain. On his way home, he only stops to buy something he thinks Dean might need and when he rushes through the door at home, Anna comes towards him. She already brought Dean a few bottles of water and some fruits, but she says that he is really burning up, more intense than she ever experienced. To not freak everyone in the house out, she put up scent neutralizing candles in the hallway to their bedroom.

Cas walks up the stairs, taking two steps at a time, and only shortly stops in front of the bedroom door. Inside, he finds his husband curled up and whining on their bed. The scent punches him in the face like a water balloon filled with the most delicious perfume. It’s sweet but still has Dean’s unmistakable scent of leather and old books, comforting and inviting for Cas. He has to clench his teeth and hold on to the doorframe because the scent is so intense. Already feeling himself growing hard in his slacks, he presses his legs together to compose himself. This is not good. He’s good to keep control; now more than ever. They hadn’t talked about this in a while, but just because they kiss and cuddle and spend more time together than ever, it doesn’t automatically mean that Dean would want him to be here for the heat. Only that it is really hard to walk over to the bed without thinking about pulling Dean’s clothes off and lick the sweat that pools in the crook of his neck. _No, stop it, stop thinking like that._

"Cas?" comes an almost breathed question from Dean who rolls on his back, legs spread. His sweats are already soaked with slick and the inviting gesture isn't helping Cas with keeping control.

"It's fine, I'm here," he tries to calm his mate.

Castiel slowly walks up to Dean and kneels down on the long-pile carpet that spreads on the floor on both sides of the bed. The alpha puts a hand on his mate’s forehead but he can already feel the radiating body heat from a foot away.

“You need to drink, Dean,” he says while looking at the unopened bottles of water on the nightstand.

The omega groans and turns on his side. A few longer strands of hair stick to his sweaty skin and his eyes are glassy. The usually soft lips look coarse and sore, and besides a pink tint on the cheeks, his face is pale  “I need something else. And you know it.” He grabs for Castiel’s tie and pulls the dark-haired man in for a heated kiss. He even tries to drag the alpha onto the mattress but Castiel stops him.

“Dean, stop,” he pants. Sweat starts to pool in the crook of his neck and a single bead slowly trickles down his face. With his fists clenched around the wooden post of the bed, he tries to breathe evenly and work through the fog of lust and primitive, animalistic instincts. It’s hard to keep a clear head with his mate lying on the mattress in a puddle of his own slick and willingly offering his body to Cas, but the alpha knows that it’s his job now to stay reasonable. “Dean,” he says and crouches to the ground. He tries to stay close without coming into dangerous territory. “You can’t think straight right now. I know it must hurt and that you feel like you need me, but there are other ways, okay? I bought you a fake knot. I don’t know which size you… prefer… so I took one that resembles me in a way. I will give it to you but you have to drink and eat something first.”

Castiel opens one bottle of water and holds it out for Dean to take. The omega hesitates, but once the opening touches his lips, he downs the whole bottle in one go. Obviously noticing how it helps with his situation, he grabs for another one and lets Cas open a foil package of sandwiches. For a while, they just sit there like this, with Cas on the rug and Dean on the mattress, eating and drinking like he's been starved for months. The alpha watches him for some time before he stands up and walks over to the closet to get some fresh sheets and then a wet towel from the bathroom. He puts the sheets on the ground next to him when he takes his previous position and starts to pat Dean's forehead with the towel. At first, the blond man flinches at the touch of the cool, wet fabric, but he quickly realizes how it soothes his burning hot skin and spreads out on the mattress while Cas helps him to undress and runs the towel all over his upper body.

Dean's relieved sighs and moans make Castiel smile. He feels proud to be helpful and useful for his mate, especially in a situation like this, and he really hopes that he can make this heat as easy as possible for the omega. The lower Cas goes with the towel, the more he has to concentrate, navigating around Dean's erection without crossing a line. But his mate makes it pretty clear - with his groaning turning more sexual than satisfied - that he would very much like the alpha to cross this line right now. But that's the problem and the reason why Castiel is breathing through his mouth to lessen the influence of his husband's intoxicating scent; Dean might want it _now_ but he is in no state to make a conscious decision, not until the first wave of urge and lust that fogs his mind ebbs away. And then? What if - theoretically - Cas would say yes now and would give in to the desire to knot his mate? And what if Dean wakes up from the dizzy haze that his heat puts him into and he realizes that he didn't want to have sex with Cas after all? No, Castiel swore to himself that he would protect Dean and cherish him and first of all that he would respect Dean's boundaries. Sure, their relationship improved a lot over the past weeks and Castiel can't deny the strong feelings he developed for this incredibly kind and warm-hearted man, but he can't be sure that Dean feels even slightly the same for him. The last time they spoke about the upcoming heat, it's been clear that Dean doesn't feel comfortable with having the alpha around, and Castiel respects this. Dean had to face too many situations in his life where he didn't get the choice or where people wouldn't respect his boundaries and Castiel wants to make sure that this never happens again.

Dean still groans and moans while Castiel has his hand with the by now warm towel rested on the other man's thigh. "Cas," the omega breathes and moves his groin closer to Castiel.

The alpha instantly stands up and refreshes the washcloth in the bathroom. He props up on the sink and exhales loudly, looking up into the mirror to see his exhausted face staring back at him. Dean keeps calling his name, seductively and in between moans, and it goes straight to Cas' own erection that presses against his slacks, throbbing and calling for attention. He hates himself for being turned on by this, although he knows that it's an urge just like Dean feels right now and that the real question is wether or not one acts on it. Castiel grips to the edge of the sink so hard that it leaves marks on his skin, but he needs this couple of extra seconds before he feels composed enough to walk back into the bedroom.

"Ugh, finally, I'm waiting here in pain. Come on Cas, pull off those pants. You can leave the shirt and the tie on if you want, it kinda turns me on anyway, but I need you and your fat alpha knot _now_."

Swallowing, the dark-haired man stops a foot away from the bed, keeping a distance for safety before he says, "No." He can see how his mate breathes heavily and how his muscles twitch with the pain he obviously is in. The thought that maybe he should help Dean with this after all shortly grazes his mind, but Cas shakes it off.

Dean sighs and sits up, legs spread. "Don't play hard-to-get. I can see your hard-on from here and I can smell your arousal. Don't make me wait and fuck me already!"

When Cas still doesn't move, Dean turns around and gets on his knees and hands. He _presents_ and that's the moment where Castiel knows for 100 percent that his mate isn't in a state to make a conscious decision about this right now. Dean would _never_ present willingly and just remembering how he insisted on it in their mating night makes Cas flinch. "No, Dean," he says and walks closer. It's easier to resist now with the firm convictions to do the right thing. He stops at the nightstand and opens the package of the fake knot, placing the silicon penis right next to Dean, who sat up again, and looking him deep in the eyes. "I'm not going to have sex with you now. You told me once that you have no control over yourself when you're in heat and that you might do things you don't really want. So it's my job to make sure you don't do anything stupid."

The omega snorts and swings both legs over the edge of the mattress, facing Castiel now. He starts to edge closer and places his hands on the alpha's belt. "That's been ages ago. Come on, Cas, I know you want it too. It's so long since I felt that thick cock of yours inside of me. Don't you miss it? Don't you want to sink into my slick hole and pound me so good I still feel it next week?"

Castiel's face and neck turn pink and his heartbeat quickens. He has to grab both of Dean's wrist to keep the blond man from opening his fly and he only manages to do so with his shaking hands because the other man is too weak because of the heat to actually fight back. "No," Cas says again, determined but also hoarse, "I've gotta take care of you and I don't want to hurt you."

"If you want to take care of me then do it! Take me, Cas, please!" Dean sinks down on his knees and looks up at Castiel with glassy eyes filled with tears, "please, Cas, it hurts. I beg you. I don't want the damn fake knot, I want the original. I want my mate, the father of my pup. I want _you_ , Cas. Please."

Castiel presses his teeth together and keeps holding on to his mate's wrist while he walks backward a step to create a distance between his groin and Dean's face. The wooden floor creaks under his weight, but all the alpha can hear are his husband's desperate attempts to convince him in between heavy panting and groaning with pain; all he can see is Dean's beautiful face, pale and contorted, and all he can smell is the intensity of his mate's scent and his slick, sweet like honey and fresh fruits. A cloud of coziness engulfs him, meant to create a mental image in his head of all the things he desires, meant to pull him in and call him into action, meant to drown the voice of reason and to _break_ him. Castiel knows that he doesn't have to give in, no matter how much his instincts tell him to, and he also knows that he shouldn't, not with how out of control the omega is. He loves Dean, he truly does, and it hurts him to see his mate in pain and desperate, but Cas is sure that he is doing the right thing by taking another step backward and letting go of the other man's hands.

"No," he repeats, "I will not have sex with you without your _conscious_ consent. I... " he swallows, "I don't want you to hate me, but the chances are high that you will hate yourself too if we do this and you regret it afterward. Use the knot, Dean. Soothe the pain. And when the first wave is over, and you've got something to drink and eat and maybe took a shower then we can talk. And if you still want me to be with you in your heat, I will be at your side the whole time and serve you in any way you need me. I just need to be sure that you _want_ this."

Dean is surprisingly quiet after that small speech - out of acceptance or plain exhaustion, Cas doesn't know - and bites his lip. The omega still twitches with occasional cramps and Cas sees that it's not the time to prolong his interference, so he bends down and kisses his mate on the hot, sweaty forehead and quickly walks towards the door, closing it quietly behind himself. He sinks down, his back gliding against the wooden door, and stays there, arms circling his knees. A loud bang, a muffled shout, and a stomping feet leaves no room for interpretation that Dean is not happy about how this talk went and Castiel bites down on his hand. The pain clears his head, makes him overcome the urge to rush back into the room and give Dean what he asked for. It takes a few minutes of complete silence until he hears a few steps on the wooden floor, then the rustling of sheets and the bedsprings giving in under the weight of a person. It's quiet again and all Castiel hears is his own heartbeat pounding in his ears and the fabric of his shirt rubbing against the wood when he shifts his position slightly, but eventually, there are noises from the other side of the door. At first, it's not more than heavy breathing, than a hiss, and then a moan, followed by another one and a third and fourth until Cas has to press his thighs together and concentrate to slow down his breathing. He should go, he shouldn't stay here and listen to how Dean...

The alpha swallows. He really should go away, maybe to the guest room, and wait for any sign that Dean is clear-headed and ready to talk. But he stays, resting his head on his knees and gripping tightly to his ankles with his hands. His erection is throbbing inside his pants with every moan and every sigh he can hear from inside the bedroom. Their door is heavy just like the walls in this house, so Cas knows that Dean must be making pretty loud noises that he is even able to hear this muffled sounds. He says a silent prayer that Anna was thoughtful enough to put the scent-neutralizing candles in different places in the hallway because hearing Dean moaning is hard enough but it would be even harder if his scent would carry through the door too.

Castiel jerks up. At first, he thinks he might have misunderstood the sounds, but there are clearly words. Or rather, one word.

"Cas."

The dark-haired man holds his breath, tries to listen more closely to the muffled noises Dean is making in the bedroom.

"Cas, oh god, yes."

The faint pink tint on his cheeks and neck spreads wider and grows darker with every repetition of his name out of his mate's mouth. Castiel bites his lip and swallows, ignoring the intense throbbing of his erection with the realization that Dean moans his name while he obviously satisfies himself with a rubber toy. It's too much of a torture for Cas to witness all of this through the wooden barrier between them and he stands up. The hall around him spins a bit with most of the blood flow in his body directed towards his crotch, but after a couple of deep breaths, he manages to stand straight and walk away from the bedroom, one step after the other. He takes one of the candles with him to not leave a trail of alpha arousal around the house when he makes his way downstairs. Anna and Jake are gone, a little note on the kitchen counter tells them that they went to the playground and then to go grocery shopping, and Castiel is glad for her thoughtfulness once more. Grabbing a bottle of water, he practically flees into the guest room and locks the door behind himself. Castiel gasps of relief, thinking that he is now as far away from his moaning and groaning husband as he can possibly be, only to realize that their bedroom is actually right above this room.

With a thud, he lets himself fall on the mattress and lies there on his back and with his eyes closed. His heartbeat is still pounding in his ears and his throbbing groin is still calling for attention but at least he can't hear Dean anymore and can't be attempted to rush to his side and toss his promises to himself out of the window. The roll-down curtains shield his view outside, but a small stream of bright sunlight covers the floor in the guest room and creates an atmosphere of comfort and security. Castiel feels like he understands now why Dean spent so much time in here, why he hid in this four walls. It almost feels like he isn't even in the same building anymore and like this room is neutral territory, giving him enough space and enough tranquility to think, to rest, and to shut off the world around him; to breath.

But not everything stays outside of this bubble of peace, not every thought is erasable or suppressible. Castiel's mind is flooded with images and ideas; ideas of how Dean might be lying on their bed right now, how his face might contort into grimaces of ecstasy and satisfaction, how he humps Castiel's pillow and scream his name. Once planted into his imagination, these pictures are hard to let go and the alpha feels his arousal pulsate through him again. He isn't sure what is the right thing to do right now. He could ignore it, will it away and just wait for the urge to ebb away, he could take a cold shower and hope for the best, or... well, or he could do what he actually does at this moment and open the fly of his pants, shove them out of the way just like his dress-shirt that he unbuttons rather hastily, and close a hand around his throbbing erection.

Cas shivers at the first contact of flesh on flesh, shudders at the sensitivity and heat and the  _urge_ that overpowers him. A single thought goes to how one could even call it symbolic that he is jerking himself off exactly one floor down from where his husband is getting off himself, but then he just lets himself be dragged into the movements of his hand and the relief that washes over him with every glide. It doesn't take long for him to come, not with how on edge he's been for the last half an hour, and while the last waves of pleasure rush through his veins and the last pants of "Dean" fade away in the air around him, Castiel starts to relax.

He cleans himself in the bathroom and then slips under the sheets wrapped in the plushy bathrobe he found in the closet. Tiredness takes a hold of him and Castiel feels his eyelids growing heavy. For a moment, he closes his eyes and feels like he drifts off into sleep any minute, but the ringtone of his phone jerks him back to consciousness. He has to rummage in the pockets of his pants that are still dumped on the floor to find his phone and read the message on the screen.

**< < Dean: Hey >>**

 Castiel smiles at the words and takes a quick look up at the ceiling before he answers.

**< < Cas: Hey. How are you?>>**

The unmistakable note "typing..." under his mate's name lets the alpha know that Dean is replying, but it still takes a few moments until the phone vibrates again to announce a new text message.

**< < Dean: Okay, I guess. tired. just took a shower and changed the sheets>**

**< < Cas: Did you drink and eat?>>**

**< < Dean: Yes, mom -.- >>**

Cas chuckles. He is glad that Dean seems to be fine.

**< < Dean: where are you?>>**

**< < Cas: downstairs.>>**

The alpha doesn't add that he's in the guest room or what he's been doing just ten minutes ago. He doesn't think that Dean would mind, but he also blushes a bit at the thought of telling his mate.

**< < Dean: wanna join me?>>**

Castiel frowns.  **< < Cas: shouldn't you sleep a bit?>>**

**< < Dean: yeah. I should, and I will. but... can you still come?>>**

The dark-haired man grins brightly and sends a quick "sure" with a heart emoji. He opens the window to let fresh air into the room and clear any trace of his activities in here, then he takes both the sheets and the towel he used and puts them into the washing machine. If he's honest, he's a bit proud that he can operate it on is own by now. Just as he takes the first step upstairs, he realizes that he used a heart emoji in his text and panics a little. Was it too much? Too soon? Sure, they text a lot lately, send each other gifs and emojis and memes, but Dean never used one of those heart or kiss or blush emojis and Cas worries that he might have put the omega off by using it. Well, he would like to use it more often, would like to show Dean some more how much he really likes him, what he feels for his mate, but he knows that Dean doesn't feel the same and although he doesn't expect it, he's also a bit scared of the other man's reaction if Castiel would tell him.

So, when the alpha stands in front of the door to their bedroom again, he swallows around the lump in his throat and carefully knocks.

Dean is in bed when he opens the door, the bare shoulders and chest peeking out from under the covers. The omega looks nothing like Cas has left him behind; his face shows no sign of pain or discomfort, his hair is only damp with water from the shower and not with sweat, and although he still has a little tinge of pink on his skin, he doesn't look like he has a fever anymore.

Cas shivers a bit when he enters the room and Dean seems to notice it. "Sorry," he says, his voice hoarse but calm, "I left a window open while I was showering to let some air in."

The alpha nods. "Yes. probably for the better." He awkwardly stands in the middle of the room and waits for some sort of sign that he is allowed to step closer to Dean. What is the appropriate action now anyway? Cas wonders if he should've read some books or articles on how to care for a mate after a wave of heat subsides.

"Nice bathrobe," Dean snorts.

Just then, Castiel looks down at himself and realizes that he is still wearing the fluffy bathrobe. He starts to nervously fidget with the belt and thinks about wrapping the fabric closer around his body.

"Could you come here?" the omega adds after a moment. He doesn't look at Cas and seems to be a bit uneasy too. "I... I had to change your pillowcase and now I kinda miss the scent of my mate." Dean obviously tries to sound as nonchalant as possible but it doesn't quite come across with the pink tinge that covers his cheeks.

Castiel smiles shyly and walks over to the bed, lifts the sheets on his side and crawls under them. Dean's body heat already made them warm and comfortable and he pulls them up under his chin. Immediately, the other man shifts closer and Cas rests his arm on the headboard, offering Dean to lean in. 

"Hey," Dean whispers.

Cas smiles and turns his head around to look at his mate. "Hey," he says, "How are you?"

The omega sighs. "Well, not bad. I'm tired. But I'm not in pain right now and I don't feel as dizzy anymore."

"Good."

They stay silent for a few minutes, just lying there next to each other, and Castiel can hear Dean's breathing, can feel his heartbeat.

"Thank you," the omega says quietly, almost too low to hear, but Cas heard it and tilts his head. "For... you know, for saying no," Dean explains. "I know it must've been hard to be so persistent. I'm just glad you were. God, I even  _begged_ you to fuck me, it was so embarrassing." The omega chuckles and hides his face in his hands.

Castiel makes sure that his mate looks him in the eyes before he answers. "You weren't in a position to make any clear decisions. What you said is not important anymore."

"But still... I was so needy and gross. God, that's why I hate heats so much. It's not only the pain and the lust, it's losing the ability to think straight." He snuggles a bit closer to Castiel's side and rests his nose in the crook of his neck to scent him. "Why am I even going into heat? Isn't it meant to increase the chance of getting pregnant? Well, I  _am_ , so why?"

"I don't know," Cas answers honestly, "I haven't been that good in sex-ed."

Dean huffs a laugh. "I don't even think we covered that topic."

There's another long moment of silence and after a while, Cas almost thinks Dean might have fallen asleep, but the omega stretches next to him and jawns.

"Look, I don't know how long I have until the next wave kicks in and I really need to sleep for some hours," the blond man says, "so I better say this now before I wake up and am ready to go at it again. I...," he scratches the back of his neck, "I would like you to stay with me for the rest of my heat."

Castiel's eyes widen. If he's honest, he hoped for this kind of statement, but he is still a bit surprised. "Are you sure?"

Dean hums. "Surprisingly, I am. I mean, I wasn't before, actually not until half an hour ago, but I am now."

"What changed?"

"To be honest," Dean starts and pauses for a few seconds, like he considers how to word his sentence, "The thought of having sex again made me kinda cringe. But I knew I had to do it to feel better in the heat, and it's not like I didn't like the thought of you and me... I just... you witnessed how I get when I'm in heat. All needy and submissive and... I was just scared what I would let you do with me when I don't have the control over myself. Damn, I  _presented_ to you."

Castiel tries to smile and to make his mate feel better. "I noticed," he says and huffs a laugh. "That was actually the point where I was sure that you're not yourself and that I shouldn't listen to any of your... sexual advances."

The omega groans and hides his face again. "Ugh, I know, it was so embarrassing." He takes a deep breath and rests his head against Castiel's arm. "I was so horny and I really tried a lot to get you to fuck me. But you didn't. And not only did you say "no", you cared for me, you got me that rubber knot and put fresh sheets next to the bed. When you told me that you wanted me to consent to it and to be clearheaded enough to be sure that I want it... that's when I realized that you're right. And after I got myself off and when I stood in the shower... I don't know, I just started thinking. I... I never felt grossed out by you, quite the opposite actually. You're pretty damn hot and I love it when you touch me and kiss me but the thought of you and me having sex brought back some bad memories."

Dean must have noticed Castiel's shocked expression and quickly adds, "No, not bad memories about  _us_ having sex, just general." He swallows and looks deep into Cas' eyes for a moment. "Okay, well, I can be honest, right? Maybe there were some memories about us... about our mating night."

The alpha's breath hitches. He knew that this topic would come up eventually and he has no right to deny it to Dean, but he feels like running away from it because he is so ashamed of what he asked from his mate and even worse, how sure he was that it's the right thing to do. "I know, oh god, Dean, I'm sorry, I was such a jerk. I should've never asked you to lie on your stomach when you told me how much you hate it."

"Yeah, that was an asshole move. And I know that things have changed since then, but I still was scared of how it would be when I let you stay with me for my heat."

Castiel nods. "Which is your right. You should deal with this the way  _you_ want to. I just... all I wanted was to help. In whichever way you need me. And I already expected you to... well... to rather prefer a toy."

Dean chuckles. "It wasn't even that good."

"Oh, sorry," the alpha says and blushes, "I have no experience with it, I only grabbed for something random."

Dean's laughter grows louder and he shakes his head. "No, I meant to say that it's not as good as a real knot... I rather have you, I guess. I think I trust you now and I know you wouldn't hurt me or ask me to present again or something like that."

They both stay quiet after that, shyly looking at anything but each other. 

"Ehm... yes, I actually just wanted you to know," Dean mumbles after a minute and runs a hand down his face. "Shit, I probably should've asked you first if you even want to be with me for the next wave of my heat and... well, sleep with me. Damn, I'm really bad at this, I need to think before I say stupid things."

Castiel puts his hand on the other man's cheek and turns his head to face him. "No, you're not bad at this," he says and smiles softly. "And yes, I want to stay with you for your heat. Not only because I feel responsible or because I want to help... I mean, of course I want to, but..." he sighs.

_But I also simply enjoy being close to you and kiss you and you are so damn beautiful and sexy that I could climb you every time._

The alpha has to clear his throat and swallow. His thoughts are racing through his mind and it's hard to focus on things he actually could say without creeping Dean out.

_You gave me so much in my life and all I want is to see you safe and happy. Because I love you._

No, no, no, he can't say that. No matter how much he wishes he could tell Dean how he feels, it's not the right time to do it. He notices that Dean looks at him expectantly, so he takes one deep breath.

"I like you, Dean, I  _really_ like you. And of course I want to be with you, kiss you and also have sex with you. I'm just... I'm nervous and insecure because of all the shit that happened and I just don't know how to act sometimes."

Dean's face lights up with a big smile. "That's okay. I rather have a mate who is sometimes a bit awkward than one who just takes whatever he wants."

"Well, you taught me how an alpha is supposed to behave. More than Michael or my dad ever did."

They both chuckle and Dean moves closer to rest his head on Cas' chest. "I like the thought of that," he says before he yawns. "I'm really gonna fall asleep any second."

"That's fine," Cas whispers and kisses the top of his mate's head. "I'll be here when you wake up."

The air in their bedroom only slowly heats up again, but the two of them don't notice it under the warm, comfortable cover of their sheets, where they lie together, Castiel still wrapped in the bathrobe and Dean completely naked, and drift off to sleep with their legs entangled 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: sexual content
> 
> Well, what do you say to their developing relationship? I'm so excited to get those two on a path of real feelings ( it's about time!)
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading. See you the next chapter! <3 <3 <3


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeelllooo! Chapter 19 already... wow, this story is so much longer than initially planned, but hey, those two never make it easy for me... and I love it XD
> 
> Not much to say about this chapter other than prepare for the fluff. I really hope you like it <3<3  
> Warning: sexual content

The waves of pain and cramps, of heat and sweat - but also of lust and urges - come and go. Dean immediately learns the benefits of having a mate to help him through his heat because when in the past he spent two or sometimes three hours curled up in his own body fluids, patiently waiting for the wave to ebb away, he now barely has to wait at all; Cas is with him for the whole length of his heat, which means they both barely ever leave their bedroom for four days. Well, Dean truly doesn't go further paths than between the bed and the bathroom, but the alpha makes sure to get them everything they need from the kitchen or on a short trip to the next store, all between sleeping, eating, and soothing Dean's urges. He's so very gentle and careful, it almost drives the omega crazy; because the thing about being in heat is that the sexual desire doesn't include much emotions or asks for foreplay, no, the easiest way to get through it is by coming as fast as possible. At least, that's what Dean thought.

The first wave jerks Dean from his sleep. It starts like it always does, with itching skin and heavy breathing, with a throbbing in different parts of his body, and with a strong, uncomfortable warmth covering him from head to toe. He licks his lips and swallows, groping through the darkness to find his phone on the nightstand. The bright light of the screen temporarily blinds him and even when he can make out the white digits, yellow dots are buzzing in his sight. _22:26_. Dean groans and turns on his back. He is not quite sure for how long exactly he slept, but it must've been at least six hours. Blinking, he opens his eyes again and slowly makes out the outlines of his surroundings, noticing a faint light from his right. The source seems to be Cas, who sits on his side of the bed, propped against his pillow, and watches something on his tablet, headphones in his ears. The dark-haired man at first doesn't seem to notice that Dean is awake and it gives the omega a moment to watch his mate. Whatever he is watching apparently makes him very happy with how he grins. The smile spreads up to his eyes and makes them look even brighter in the dim light. Dean bites his lip and smiles softly. Recently, he's been able to see more of this; more of his mate being relaxed and happy. Cas always looked quite old despite being only 24, but Dean realized a while back that it's been mostly because of his stern and stressed expression and the very reserved style of clothing. Clad in a worn-out shirt and sweats and with a big smile on his face, just like now, that's how he likes to see this kind and gentle man the most.

Dean doesn't even notice at first that he has his hand on Cas' forearm, lightly caressing the skin there. The alpha feels the touch, though, and turns his head around.

"You're awake," he whispers, putting the tablet on his nightstand and rolls up the cable of his headphones before placing them on top of the tablet.

Dean nods and shifts closer to the dark-haired man who spreads his arm to make room for the omega. "Just woke up." He winces slightly when cramps hit him.

Castiel immediately sits up more straight and looks at him. "Is the pain coming back?"

"Slowly."

The alpha gives him a reassuring smile and pulls him in even closer, resting one hand on Dean's belly. With half of his pregnancy over, the omega now really looks pregnant and the little bump grew so much in the last couple of weeks that he can't hide it anymore. Cas' hand wanders over his skin and traces the tiny stretch marks on his lower stomach and his hip.

"You think you can wait for some more minutes before we... well, you know?" Cas asks and Dean doesn't have to see his face to know that the other man blushes. It's funny and a bit adorable how he is still so reserved and nervous about the whole sex topic that he can't even say it. "You slept for over seven hours, you've got to be hungry."

Dean only then realizes that not all of the grumbling in his stomach comes from the heat and that he indeed could eat something.

As if reading his mind, the alpha releases him from his embrace and turns right to pick something up from the ground that turns out to be a tray. "I made sandwiches," he says while opening one of the four boxes on the tray, "Well, Anna helped me, so they probably taste really good."

Dean finishes the first sandwich in a minute and Cas hands him the second right away. The omega feels better with his stomach full and then with a whole bottle of water downed in one go, but he also feels that his breathing is coming even heavier and that the throbbing in his body grows stronger by the minute. Adding to the general signs that the next wave of heat is just around the corner, Dean smells his surroundings more prominent and that particularly applies to the sexy alpha with his intense scent right next to him. He lets the empty water bottle roll to the foot of the mattress and shifts closer to Cas again, who is now finishing his own sandwich too. Dean rests his head in the crook of his mate's neck and takes a deep breath, only barely holding in the moan that was about to escape his lips.

Cas turns his head around quickly and his eyes widen. Dean supposes that the alpha can smell the slick that starts to make his hole wet and it doesn't take long until the air around them seems to heat up.

"Cas," Dean whispers as he nibbles behind the other man's ear. He licks a short trail along Cas' neck and ear and it makes the dark-haired man shiver. "Cas, I need you," he adds almost automatically. Dean feels the throbbing in his genitals spread all over his body and it slowly starts to fog his mind. The lust that overpowers his mind in this state starts to take control and the cramps in his stomach ask his body for immediate action.

The alpha looks a bit dizzy himself, his pupils blown and sweat forming on his forehead, but his expression is also determined and kind. "I'm here," he whispers back and slowly disentangles himself from Dean's heavy limbs. "I'm going to take care of you now."

And Cas does. Dean becomes a bit edgy and impatient because things aren't going as fast as he would like to and his mate doesn't react much to his moaning or the dirty talk. The omega knows of course that Cas just wants to make sure he's alright, comfortable and prepared, and it makes Dean's heart melt a little knowing that the alpha still puts so much thought into his well-being - even when Dean lies naked and wet in front of him - but right at this moment, he just wants to get fucked. Only when Dean arches his back and rubs his ass against Cas the other man hisses slightly and his state of arousal becomes prominent. And still, Cas takes his time with rolling Dean on his side, making sure that his head and his belly are supported and he lies in a comfortable position. Then he starts planting kisses on the omega's burning skin, trailing down his arm and up again, circling the scar where his mating bite should be, and softly blowing behind his ear. Dean shivers and the feeling and groans because the pressure is building inside his body and he just wants Cas to move on.

But Cas still takes his time, and later, when the wave has subsided and they drift off to sleep, Dean is glad for how gentle, how intimate, and how  _tender_  Cas has been with him. Once the dizziness and urge have ceased, the omega realizes that after all, it's been the first time they had sex after months of horrific events, difficult interactions, and lots of change. In fact, it's probably the first time since the night they met that being intimate with Cas feels genuine. It scares Dean a bit that he doesn't even want to blame the heat for tonight's events but that he actually had some thoughts about just generally being close and intimate with Cas lately. For how long, he can't really pinpoint, but it grew and blossomed at the same time they started to act naturally and familiar around each other.

Dean feels Cas shift behind him and the omega winces. He almost forgot that they've still been tied together by the other man's knot but now that Cas leaves his side and walks over to the bathroom, he feels sore. The dark-haired man doesn't stay away for long, though, and comes back into the room with a washcloth and some cream or ointment. It's obvious that Cas is pretty tired but he still takes the time to clean Dean up and soothe his sore hole as well as the myriads of hickeys the alpha left on his body.

"Are you alright?" Cas asks when he takes his position behind Dean again, slotting against his back as if they were two puzzle pieces fitting together seamlessly.

Dean nods and hums as an answer, pressing his back against the other man's chest to erase even the last inch between them. He wants to say that he is sleepy and will probably fall asleep any minute, but it is drowned by a loud yawn. Cas still gets the message.

"Good night," the alpha says and presses a kiss on Dean's head.

The blond man yawns again as a reply, shifting a bit to be more comfortable under the big sheet that covers both of them, and before his mind finally drifts off to sleep, one last thought strikes him. "Hey," he whispers in the darkness, "What did you watch on the tablet earlier?"

It takes a while until Cas answers and for a moment, Dean already thinks that his mate might have fallen asleep, but the alpha's gravelly voice sounds loud right next to his hear. "A documentary about urban agriculture," he says.

Dean chuckles softly and kisses Cas' arm that embraces him. "Of course you did," he mumbles, "Of course."

 

When the sun rises over the horizon on Saturday and its beams bathe the room in comfortable light, Dean feels like the world looks a bit brighter. It could be the reflection of sunlight on the frost-covered grass outside the window or maybe it's because he's finally seeing things clear again after four days of dizzy sight caused by fever and heat; but just for a little bit he hopes it's because the big cloud of anxiety about having someone at his side in his heat, in his most vulnerable moment, dispersed. Dean turns on his back and looks to the side where he can see Cas taking up most of the mattress with how he spreads his arms and legs. The omega chuckles at the sight and watches for some time how his mate's chest rises and falls with the rhythm of his breathing.

At ten to seven in the morning, the house is still in a deep slumber and the silence that comes along with it lets Dean hear his thought even louder in his own head. He lies on his side and has his head propped up on one hand, absentmindedly drawing circles on his belly with the other. His pup exercises a bit of early morning gymnastics but thankfully doesn't play with Dean' bladder, so the blond man can indulge in this rare moment of serenity for some more. He concentrates on Cas' breathing again, then follows a line up his bare chest and to his jaw and lips. Dean watches how the other man's mouth twitches slightly and how a bit of stubble grows along his upper lip and jawline. Framed by dark lashes, the eyelids hide those mesmerizing blue orbs that Dean likes to stare at; peacefully asleep, no traces of trouble or sorrow harm the beautiful face of his husband. Dean leans in and presses a kiss to Cas' lips before he shifts closer and rests his head on the alpha's chest. With his mate's heartbeat in his ears, the dark-haired man's pleasant scent in his nose, and his pup's soft kicks in his belly, he falls asleep again.

 

Dean doesn't really fit in his shirt for church anymore. The week before, it's been already tight, but now the buttons start to press into his skin around his stomach. He can cover it up with the maternity waistcoat for now, but he'll have to buy some new clothing soon. These are always the moments where he realizes just how fast his pup grows and that he's already halfway through his pregnancy.

Cas stands next to him and fidgets with his tie. By now, Dean has the feeling that Cas is doing it on purpose to get the taller man to fix it for him.

"Are you sure you want to come? I mean, no one would judge you for resting some more after your heat," the alpha says.

Dean shakes his head while he finishes the other man's tie. "Nah, I don't want to leave you alone with these wolves. Not after you've been so nice to me." He smirks.

The dark-haired man looks up into his eyes and blushes slightly. "My pleasure."

They stare at each other, grinning stupidly and both seemingly waiting for the other to make a move. Dean likes how Cas is the first one to lean in, capturing his lips in a soft, lingering kiss. They smile against each other's mouth and start to chuckle while Dean throws his arms around his mate's neck. He can't really pull the alpha in and press their bodies together anymore with the pup taking up more and more space, but it's still nice to know that in a way, their child is now engulfed by both of them. He'd love to stay like this the rest of the day, but Michael knocks against the door.

"Could you please hurry up a bit? We'd like to go."

Reluctantly, the two men let go of each other and quickly straighten their hair before joining the other Novaks.

They all already sit on the pews but Pastor Jim discusses something with the church's organist so the chatter and muttering around the room is still in full swing. Dean can see Hannah sitting in the front row, like always, next to her soon-to-be husband Dick who doesn't spare her more than a quick glance before getting back to discussing something very vividly with her father. For a moment, Dean feels kind of sorry for her. It's not her fault that she's been born in this family or that she fell in love with Cas only to get her heart broken. Yes, she's superficial and intrusive, but she hasn't been a complete bitch to him.

When Dean looks to his side, he can see Cas staring ahead of him. It’s like he doesn’t even focus on anything or anyone and more like he gazes into space.  
"Hey, what are you thinking of?" Dean asks and tilts his head to the side to get a better look at his mate’s face. He looks tired or maybe sad.  
When Cas doesn’t answer for some time, the omega is about to repeat himself and gently nudges the other man’s arm, but then, without tearing his eyes away from the void, Cas begins to speak.

"This building is supposed to be a holy place," he says under his breath, "a place to be closer to God and to come together with other people to cherish him and his word."

Dean watches Cas as the alpha blinks a couple of times like he’s coming back to reality and then turns his head to him. "Listen to them," he goes on, whispering as he leans closer to Dean, "They gossip and judge and…  _hate_  on other people. They criticize others for things they don’t understand and can’t relate to, and all the while, they call themselves Christians, honorable and ethical people…" There’s a long pause in which Dean thinks he sees a small smile cross his mate’s face but it looks sad and hurt. "Me too," Cas adds almost inaudibly. "Why didn’t I see that before? No, more like, why did I care so little?”

The omega doesn’t like the way his husband talks about himself. “Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. You got brainwashed basically since birth.”

Cas huffs a laugh and shakes his head. The dark-haired man swallows and folds over the corner of one page in his hymn book over and over again. “Lately I’ve been wondering why I even come here. It doesn’t make sense to me anymore.”

Surprised, Dean tries to look his mate in the eyes but the other man has his head lowered almost to his chest. “Are you telling me you lost your faith?” Dean asks, whispering the words.

Cas closes his eyes for a moment, then shakes his head again and looks up, taking a deep breath. He leans more against Dean’s side when he speaks. “No, not in God. But…” he pauses and lets go of the page he was playing with. The corner now looks like just a little pull could tear it off. “I doubted his intentions for a while. I couldn’t understand - well, still can’t - why he would let so much bad happen to you. It is cruel that he let you hurt so much. I think maybe…”

Dean stares at him when the dark-haired man doesn’t continue. “Maybe what?”

Cas clears his throat and takes a deep breath. “Nothing. I just… I don’t believe in  _this_  anymore,” he says and draws a circle in the air with his finger, “in this church and in this parish. For most of my life those people have been my extended family but now I feel like I have little in common with them anymore, if anything at all. I don’t feel at home anymore or like I belong. I don’t know what to think, Dean.”

The omega reassuringly smiles at the other man and grabs for his hand to intertwine their fingers. He doesn’t let go of Cas for the whole service and draws soothing circles on the alpha’s hand with his thumb.

 

On Monday, they go to the rescheduled mid-pregnancy check-up and Dr. Crowley seems to be very happy to hear that Dean's heat went over without complications. The omega has to endure a lot of tests and examinations that day and by the end, he feels like the doctor checked every inch of his body. Well, if it's necessary and helps to tell him if everything is alright with the pup he can bear it. And Cas is at his side most of the time, so he doesn't feel too anxious under the observation of the medical staff.

"Your gain of weight is about average, the blood test looks good too," the doctor says when he tells them the first results, "but I'm going to prescribe you an iron preparation. Don't worry, it's very common to need it. Other than that, you are excellently healthy, Dean. I even see that the last bit of scab fell off of the wound on your neck," he says and moves a bit closer to carefully probe at the sensitive skin, "It scars over nicely, better than I would've thought and it doesn't look that deep after all." He stands up straight again and pulls off his gloves. "I still recommend consulting a dermatologist. Hormonal gland injuries shouldn't be treated lightly. Did you notice any changes in scent? Like intensity or variety?"

Castiel shakes his head. "No. It's not different."

Dr. Crowley nods. "I guess you're a lucky man then, Dean. Seems like you haven't been as thorough after all."

Dean swallows and looks away to escape the doctor's gaze. No one ever really says it out loud, but the omega knows by now that practically everyone can see that he didn't have an accident with boiling water. The scar resembles the knife he pressed into his skin a lot with its sharp edges and pointed tip. But at least the doctor leaves it at this subtext commentary and they change the topic when Dr. Crowley prepares him for his ultrasound.

It takes a moment, but then Dean and Cas can see the picture on the screen become more clear and they can identify the contours of their pup on the black background.

"Wow," Dean whispers and pulls tightly on his mate's sleeve until the other man crouches down to have his face right next to Dean's. "It looks like a real child now."

The alpha nods and mesmerizes at the sight. "I can't believe how fast our pup grows."

"Oh, it does," the doctor agrees, "and there's a lot going on. Wait, here, what you see here are the cerebral hemispheres. I can show you the chambers of the heart too."

Dean is glad that this appointment takes longer and that Dr. Crowley has to do more measurements than in the other ultrasounds because he just can't tear his eyes away from the beauty of his unborn child's movements. He felt it, sure, but more like little flutters, sometimes it might even have been gas instead, but now he actually sees how his pup kicks. And oh, those are strong kicks. The omega smiles and when he sees Cas next to him, mouth wide open and eyes wet, he pulls the dark-haired man in and kisses him.

"I measured your pup and there are no abnormalities to be seen. General size, diameter of head and limbs... everything alright. Your uterus looks good too, by the way." The doctor moves the wand around a bit before he continues. "Now to the interesting part. Would you like to know your pup's gender?"

"You mean, you can tell for sure?" Dean asks.

Dr. Crowley laughs, "Never ask a doctor to say he's 100% sure. But your little one is so kind to lie in a very fortunate position, so the chances are high. Do you want to know or not?"

Dean looks at Cas and they both just nod. The doctor moves around with the wand some more, tilts his head to the side, then moves again until he seems to have found what he was looking for.

"There we have it."

The omega doesn't really know what he's supposed to see and shrugs, looking at Cas again, but his mate doesn't know either. "What does it tell us?" Dean asks.

"Well," Dr. Crowley starts, "having seen this area here from different positions makes me quite sure that in a bit over four months you'll welcome a little princess to this world."

It takes a few split seconds until the words really process in Dean's brain. "It's a girl?" he says loudly and doesn't even wait for the doctor to nod before he turns his head around to his mate. "Cas, it's a girl. We're gonna have a girl!"

The alpha looks like he can't even believe it and starts to giggle. They almost don't hear the doctor saying that he'll give them a moment before he presses some buttons on the machine, gives Dean a few paper towels to clean up his belly and leaves the room. The mates are left alone staring at the freeze frame of their pup, their  _daughter_ , on the screen. Dean doesn't even know why he's so excited that he's going to have a girl, it's not like he favorized a gender for his pup. In fact, he cared about this part least of all, but knowing that he's having a daughter makes the sceneries of a future more vivid and within his reach. He pictures himself with a little blonde girl, chasing her around the backyard or carrying her to her bed when she fell asleep on the couch.

"I can't believe we're having a daughter," he says and kisses Cas again who now sits on a little stool and looks directly in his eyes. "You gotta keep an eye on me or I'll spoil her."

The alpha laughs and buries his hands in the short hair on the back of Dean's head. "No, I know you'll be awesome. Like you always are. I can't really express what I feel now. I'm so excited. And I'm so proud of you. You're doing amazing and that you carry my child...  _our_ daughter inside of you... it's magical."

They don't do much more for a while than kissing and grinning or staring at the picture of their daughter. "Can you imagine? Me braiding her hair or attending tea parties with her imaginary friends?" Dean's mind runs wild and image after image of hopefully real future events rush through his head. "When she's older, I'll let her help me taking care of Baby. Oh, yeah, I so wanna teach her to drive the Impala. I just hope she likes the car. Please, what am I talking? She's  _my_ daughter, she's gotta love Baby!"

Cas' face lights up with pure joy and the skin around his eyes crinkles a bit with how brightly he laughs. The dark-haired man bathes Dean's face with kisses and whispers words of adoration in between. "You're amazing. I love you."

They both go still. Cas is only an inch away from Dean's face but when the omega opens his mouth to say something, the other man steps backward and his eyes widen in shock. Dean's own face contorts between surprise, confusion, and utter disbelief.  _Did he just...?_

Cas licks his lips and begins to stutter. "Dean, I'm sorry, I- " he stops for a moment when Dean raises his finger but since the omega just stares at him and doesn't say a word, he continues "No, you know what? I'm not sorry, and I'm not taking it back, because it's true! I love you, Dean, I love you so much. And it's not about the fact that we're mates or that you carry my child... it's about  _you_. And before you say anything, I don't expect you to say it back or even feel the same for me. I don't want to pressure you or make you uncomfortable but I just can't hold it back anymore. It's just fair to tell you how I feel about you."

Dean's finger is still up in the air, but he doesn't say a word. His head is spinning and he looks at Cas as if he grew another head.  _Why? How? How can he love me?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HE SAID IT!!!! I mean, I planned it, I wrote it, but these characters developed a mind on their own and I surprised myself a bit with putting the three magic words here.  
> I hope you liked it. Thank you so much for reading! How will Dean react, though? *insert thoughtful emoji*


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been AGES, I'm so sorry. I still have to find a good way to juggle work, school and time for writing. But, yeah, here's chapter 20 (omg, I can't believe it). I really hope you enjoy reading it <3

The Novaks are happy about the news that they are going to welcome a baby girl into their family. Dean would even go as far as to say they are excited; some more than others, but to his utter surprise, Naomi seems to show the most enthusiasm of them all. It appears to Dean that the matriarch, surrounded by almost exclusively male relatives, always had high hopes to see a girl around. While his pregnancy has consistently been a topic at the dinner table or on the very few other occasions that all members of the family gathered together, it was mostly interjectional questions about the pup's general well-being or Dean's need for better fitting clothes. Now, though, hardly anything preoccupies Anna and Naomi more than planning the arrival of the youngest Novak. Catalogs pile on the coffee table next to color and fabric samples, lists of baby names, and sketches of the measurements of Jake’s old nursery which will now be transformed into the first home of Dean’s and Cas’ baby girl.

At first, this immense interest by the other omegas is overwhelming but welcome since the mates realize they hadn’t planned much so far, then it’s at least amusing and only a bit annoying, but over the course of two weeks, Anna’s and Naomi’s obsession with the topic and with the urge to decide everything is going way too far. Thankfully, Cas is on Dean’s side. They played along so far because they know they need all the help they can get. Until Cas finishes school and actually gets paid enough to start looking for a house on their own, they are pretty much dependent on the Novaks, so they let some things slide, but when a painter begins to paint the nursery in bright pink, Dean loses it. After a lot of gasping and yelling, the poor guy leaves the house with his stuff and Dean walks up and down in front of the two women behind the plan. He doesn’t listen to one argument about how cute and feminine the fairies and glitter and baby pink color is going to look like, and he’s very vocal and adamant about his opinion that he doesn’t give a damn about stereotypes. Anna is apologetic and turns to Dean’s and Cas’ side, and together, the three of them at last manage to convince Naomi that greens and yellow are neutral and better suited. It hasn’t been an intense or long fight, but it made Dean realize that he and his mate need to become more offensive and press their point. Once more, the omega can’t wait for the moment they will be able to move out and live a life on their own with their pup, without giving a fuck about Naomi’s or Michael’s influence.

But none of this, not the anticipation for his child and not the arguments that seem to have multiplied since the last doctor’s appointment, leaves Dean on edge as much as Cas’ confession does. It’s not even the fact that the alpha told him, it’s the sheer thought that Cas means it. That this man seriously, honestly _loves_ him. This is what keeps Dean awake several nights while the dark-haired man sleeps next to him, safe and sound, or occupies his mind when he hears a car honking behind him because in his deep thoughts he missed the green traffic light. The omega is confused. Why? How? These are the questions that rush through his head every time Cas looks at him with a soft smile, because now Dean notices these gestures and expressions and always wonders what might be going on in his mate’s mind right then. The alpha didn’t repeat the three words, but Dean assumes it’s only because the other man notices how uncomfortable he feels with it.

The topic nags at Dean’s brain and he even searches for a definition for the term “love” on the Internet to maybe better understand what exactly Cas feels for him. Deep affection, strong feelings, sexual attractions; those words are used in most of the descriptions he finds, but is it that easy? What is he supposed to do and how is he supposed to react around his mate in the future with this confession lingering in the air? It’s been almost three weeks since the doctor’s appointment and so far, they both acted as if it never happened and went back to awkward silence around each other. It sucks.

Dean needs to talk about it, needs to express how twisted his thoughts are and how much this newly created distance between him and his mate bothers him, but he sure as hell won’t tell Cas, out of fear he might hurt the other man’s feelings. The next thought is to talk to Sam, but he feels uncomfortable to discuss this issue with his little brother and also, the younger man still doesn’t know all about how he and Cas met and why they mated and married, so Sam wouldn’t be able to understand what’s freaking him out so much. And other than Cas and Sam, who does he know and likes enough to even talk to?

It takes him a few days to realize that the only person who would understand him and who he is comfortable enough to talk to, is the redhead who is currently sitting at the dining table and plays a board game with Jake. Anna is kind and attentive and she always was there to listen to him. Maybe Dean should appreciate more that in this house full of narcissistic and egoistic people, she - aside from Cas, and Jake - has been the only one to be honestly and genuinely kind to him.

“Hey, Anna,” he says one afternoon when he finally catches her alone in the living room. Cas is in the library, Michael at work, Naomi out with her church friends and Luke, well, no one really knows where he spends his days but he’s gone for sure.

She smiles at him when she looks up from her magazine. “Hey. Come on, sit down, keep me company. We haven’t talked much lately”

A bit nervous, Dean looks at the free space on the couch next to her before he sits down and scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, I know.”

“How are you feeling?” she asks, looking at him and then down at his belly, “Not annoyed by the pregnancy yet?”

Dean chuckles. “Not yet. But it sounds like I’m gonna be.”

“Oh, you have no idea. At some point, I was so angry, especially because Jake was late and I just wanted him to come out.”

The blond man shrugs. “So far, it’s been fine. But she’s growing so much, I feel like at some point, I’m gonna explode.”

For a few minutes, they share these nice but trivial comments and words before Dean can muster the courage to come to the point. “Look, I actually wanted to talk with you about something, uhm, so…” he scratches the back of his neck again, a nervous gesture that he just can’t let down.

“You know you can tell me anything, Dean.” Her hand brushes his and her kind eyes look at him with affection.

“Yeah, right, so… uhm, Cas told me he loves me.”

Anna’s eyes widen and a huge grin appears on her face, showing that she is surprised but definitely positively. “He did?”

Her smile is contagious and Dean can’t help but join in although he is very much frightened by this whole topic. “Yeah, he did.”

“So? What did you answer?”

The smile vanishes from Dean’s face immediately. “Uhm… nothing?”

Anna blinks a couple of times. “What do you mean ‘nothing’?”

Dean groans. “What I said! I mean, he told me he _loves_ me. What am I supposed to say to that?”

The redhead huffs a laugh. “Well, usually, people say things like ‘I love you too’.”

Instead of answering, Dean just stares at her. This is exactly the kind of response he was afraid of. Will everybody expect him to say it back? Is he _supposed_ to reciprocate these feelings?

“Dean?” Anna says and squints her eyes, “You do love him too, right?”

Biting his lip and fidgeting with the hem of a pillowcase, the tall man averts his gaze. It’s not like this question didn’t cross his mind. It did a lot lately, actually, but he always shut it down immediately because it’s just not worth the effort to worry about something he clearly knows the answer to. He likes Cas, but he doesn’t love him, of that he’s sure. _I am, right?_ “No, no I don’t. I mean, how could I? We’re not supposed to fall in love. We live together, we’re gonna have a daughter together and we will raise her together, but we’re not lovers.”

Anna smirks. “Oh, you’re not?”

“No, I mean, yes… but not int _that_ way.” Dean is babbling and he completely destroyed one corner of the pillowcase, picking on the seam. “I finally arranged with the thought of spending my life with him. That we would build a loving home for our pup and be friends and live together and… I don’t know, now it gets all more complicated.” If he’s honest, he is even excited to have all of this ahead of him but Cas’ confession puts so much more pressure and expectations on their future, and Dean doesn’t know how to deal with it. And even though having a child together is pretty serious, the confession puts their relationship on a level that has the omega sweating.

“How was that supposed to work, though?” the redhead asks with a frown, “raise your daughter together but otherwise live your lives separately? Would you share a bedroom or not? Would you each be in different relationships?”

Dean’s eyes widen. “No!” he exclaims loudly and blushes at just how fast and determined that came out. Stammering, he tries to make it sound nonchalantly, failing greatly. “I- I didn’t really think it through. I wouldn’t… I mean, I don’t plan on having a relationship. I’m gonna have a daughter and I’m still mated to Cas and… no, that’s -” He blushes again. _Great, well done._

Anna drums with her fingers on the backrest of the couch. “So, you don’t want Cas to be in love with you, but you also don’t want him to be with someone else. That’s pretty egoistic, don’t you think?”

“I know,” Dean says, almost whining, and lets his head fall against the cushions with a sigh. “I- I don’t even know what I want or what to think anymore. Lately, it’s all become a bit blurry. Somewhere along the road, Cas and I became friends. Only that that’s not all, right? We’re _mated_ , we can’t be just friends. And I…” For a moment, he stays quiet and sorts through his thoughts. “I feel good around him. Like, _really_ good. Happy even. I don’t remember the last time I felt so happy around anybody else than my brother. And I want to be close to Cas, I wanna do all this freaky stuff like taking a walk together, cuddle, just sit side-by-side and read. And sometimes I think it’s not even because of the mating, that it’s genuine.” That’s been his biggest fear so far, to not be able to separate between what’s genuine affection and what’s coming from their mating.

Anna smiles. “Mating related things are genuine too,” she says, “The feelings don’t get created by a bite, it’s just intensified empathy for your mate that you gain. Like, better interpreting your mate’s scent or more awareness for their needs. And not even that comes directly with the bite. It takes time. There are significant hormonal changes through a mating, but it can’t change the way you _feel_ for each other.”

Blinking, Dean stares at her and everyone would be able to tell that a million thoughts are running through his mind right now. The chaos of feelings and emotions inside of him grows to an overpowering force, spinning and twisting, shouting and whispering question after question until he doubts everything he thought he was so sure about. “But… _love_?” he says after a while, “that’s so huge.”

The redhead grins. “Of course it is. But isn’t that great? To be loved by someone, even for the things that we hate about ourselves?”

Dean takes a deep breath and runs a hand down his face. “It’s just so much pressure to know how he feels for me. I don’t get it, really, I don’t, but he genuinely loves me and I feel like I need to reciprocate it. He deserves it, Anna, he deserves to be loved by someone who is worth these sappy looks he gives me.”

Anna sighs and stares at Dean for a few seconds before she sits up straight. “Do you want to hear my honest opinion?”

The blond man nods but frowns. “Sure.”

After another short pause, Anna begins to speak. “To me, it seems like you’re fighting against your own feelings because you have a misconception of what love means. Falling in love just happens, there’s not a catalog of things that are lovable and worth being loved for. If Cas thinks you’re worth his affection and his love, then you are. Period. And maybe you don’t know how to interpret your own feelings, because of whatever happened to you in the past, I can’t blame you, but everything you just told me, how much you care about him, how you envision your future, and always seeing you two together, how you blossom with his affection and he with yours. It all sounds pretty much like love to me. It could be deep, affectionate friendship that’s also some kind of love, but considering your immense sexual attraction, it’s clearly romantic.” She looks Dean deep in the eyes and covers his hand with her own, “I understand that it must be a lot to process and I definitely don’t want to influence you in your decision, but if you ask me, don’t let the bad things of the past spoil what could be if you just let it happen.”

When she stops to speak, Dean is almost sure that she wants him to say something, but he can’t. He can’t even open his mouth out of fear something might escape that he didn’t quite think through. Could she be right? Can he fall in love with Cas, with the man he was basically _forced_ to marry and mate? After all the hate and pain and despair, is it even possible that they could grow to _love_ each other? The longer Dean thinks about it, the harder it gets to keep pretending that his feelings for Cas are platonic and he realizes he can’t even blame simple sexual attraction or the mating either. But how is he supposed to know what he really feels for his husband?

 

Castiel twists the pen in his hand. One time, then another and another. He drums it on the table until an elderly woman comes up to him and asks him to be quieter. The page in front of him still hasn’t much more than a title and introduction paragraph even though he’s in the library for over two hours already but he just can’t concentrate on writing this assignment. Actually, he should’ve finished it two weeks ago but after Dean’s heat, he had asked for some extra time, something he’d never have to do before. If he’s honest, it wasn’t even a problem of not having time to finish the paper, it was his lack of interest and motivation, exactly what he’s witnessing again right now. No matter how often he sits down and reads through his references, his eyes are just gliding over the lines without really taking it in, it’s just too boring. Instead, he scrolls through his phone and smiles at the selfies he and Dean took after Sam told them about an app called Snapchat. There’s even a video of the two of them sitting on their bed one night and making funny faces into the camera to which Sam, whom they sent it to, just answered with a laughing emoji.

Castiel still can’t believe sometimes that he has this now and he would love to go back in time to tell his past self that he would one day be mated and married to the most beautiful man to ever walk this earth and that they would spend their time with silly things like this. And to prevent some very nasty events to take place, he would also tell this other version of him to not listen to the things he grew up with too much and instead follow what he knows deep down inside is right. If he’d done it before, Dean wouldn’t have had to go through so much pain. But then again, Cas is not sure they would be at the same point now. And even though his husband might never feel the same for him, he will try to make everything right to offer Dean the life he deserves.

Blinking, Cas comes back from this daydreaming and looks down at the pages again. With a groan, he realizes that he doodled while being occupied with his fantasies, wrote down his mate’s name and drew a heart around it like a sappy, lovey-dovey teenager. How is he supposed to finish this assignment until tomorrow?

 _No, come on, you can do it_ , he says to himself, straightening in his seat and pulling the first book closer to him. If he can’t find any joy in the subject anymore, than he should at least keep in mind why he’s doing all of this. He might not be caring about law that much anymore, or maybe he never actually has, but he’s got a mate at home and a child on the way and they deserve a good life, a home for just them, and all the luxury they can imagine. Castiel knows that he’s got to be a provider now and he’s so close to finishing school, so close to being financially independent. This is what he wants and what he needs to do.

Twenty minutes later, though, he sits in his car and is on the way back home. Dean texted him and asked if he was already done at the library and would be back to watch the new episode of Dr. Sexy M.D. together, and even though Cas still hasn’t done more than highlighting one page of references by then, he closed the books, packed up his stuff, and went out. The prospect of a night cuddling with his husband and lazily watching television was too tempting and he couldn’t concentrate at all anymore. He made a plan. After the episode is over and Dean falls asleep, he will sneak out of the bedroom and take his stuff to the guest room downstairs to finish his paper there.

And so, he lets his coat and briefcase fall to the ground once he enters their bedroom, strips out of the shirt and slacks to crawl under the warm sheets next to Dean, who already has the channel on. The omega kisses him and cuddles closer to his side while the intro comes up on the screen. “I’m glad you made it.”

Cas grins against his mate’s lips and whispers back, “Me too.”

They stay like this for the whole episode, discussing the latest events and even making fun of the commercial break. Cas looks to the side and grins from ear to ear, resting his hand right next to Dean’s own on the omega’s belly. It’s going to be a sleepless night with finishing the assignment, but he knows it’s worth it.

“I love you,” he whispers. Cas tried to hold it back after he saw how uncomfortable it makes Dean feel, but now, in the darkness of their bedroom with his mate softly breathing beside him, he allows himself to let it out. Only that Dean isn’t asleep after all and turns around to look at Cas. “I’m sorry -” the alpha starts, but Dean doesn’t let him apologize and instead kisses him.

“It’s fine,” he says under his breath, “I gotta get used to it but… it’s kinda nice to hear it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They kiss again and it takes a long make-out session and an hour of cuddling until Dean finally falls asleep and Cas can carefully extract himself from his mate’s tight grip to sneak down the stairs. He spreads all his books on the big bed in the guest room and takes a deep breath. The clock on the nightstand shows it’s almost midnight, but with a new-found motivation to get this done, he begins to write. _I can do it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew, took me longer than intended to write this one, but well, it is what it is. I at least hope you liked it and that you had some nice weeks while I didn't update.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody! I hope those of you who watched the season premiere had fun. I'm back with a new chapter and I hope you enjoy it <3

~~~~“I can’t believe it,” Cas mutters to himself, sitting on a bench in the law department’s hallway and pressing his teeth together in a desperate attempt to keep the tears from running down his face. He’s been ordered into a professor’s office before to discuss his papers, but never because he failed one. “This is all a bad dream.” He bangs his head against the wall behind him a couple of times and even snaps at someone passing by who raises his eyebrows at him. But could he really expect to pass the assignment with how lazily and outright unprofessional it’s been written? He did all of the work, including research, organizing, writing, and formatting, in a single session of 12 hours. How he even got as far as producing 15 pages in that time with a sleep-deprived brain is a miracle to him, so it could’ve been clear that the content wouldn’t even scratch the “okay” mark. Now he’s got one week to rewrite and improve it or he will fail the class. Just the thought that he might have to retake the class, that he might have to wait another year for it, makes him physically sick. But even with the pressure on him, looking down at the pages in his hands, reading the title and seeing all the red annotations, he feels basically nothing but disinterest.

Cas knows he should be in the library right now with his laptop and dozens of books in front of him but he just can’t move. And later, of course, he is expected to show up in his brother’s office for a briefing on their latest case. All he really wants to do, though, is to go home, curl up next to Dean, and sleep for days. _Dean_ _…_ No, he’s got to be strong now, he’s got to do this assignment, no matter how much he hates it, to fulfill his duty towards his mate and his pup.

 

**********

 

Dean hums happily when he opens the door and hangs up his coat. It stopped snowing a couple of days ago and the forecast even promises higher temperatures for the upcoming week, so maybe he’ll finally be seeing some green instead of the endless white outside the window. His baby will definitely appreciate less salt on the streets and Dean will too, cause he’s getting too round around his belly to crouch down and clean up his car after every ride. Soon, he might not be able to really work on her at all anymore for some time.

This sad thought doesn’t spoil his generally good mood, though. The doctor’s appointment went fine and one the way back home he stopped at the bakery to treat himself with a piece of delicious cherry pie. Sam is off school early this afternoon and has some exciting news, so they plan to video chat in a bit. And later, when Cas comes home from work, Dean is going to surprise him with homemade garlic bread and the latest sonogram picture of Mary. Yes, _Mary_ , cause that’s what Dean decided to name his daughter. It hasn’t been a difficult decision after all since his mother’s name has always been on top of his list, and when Cas said he loves it too, they didn’t even take a look at Naomi’s and Anna’s suggestions.

Still humming, the omega heats up the cherry pie in the microwave, grabs a bottle of water from the fridge, and sets up his laptop in the living room.

Sam looks suspiciously indifferent when his face shows up on the screen and Dean knows his little brother well enough to know the other man just plays cool and internally bursts with whatever he has to say.

“So, what’s the big news?”

The alpha is horrible at acting but he doesn’t keep this nonchalant facade up long before he holds up a letter into the camera that Dean can’t quite read. The only thing he recognizes is the emblem on top of the page. “Wait, is that from Stanford?”

Sam nods and the corners of his mouth would touch his ears if they weren’t restricted in place. “I’m in. On a full scholarship.”

“Oh my god, Sam, I’m so happy for you!” Dean isn’t only happy, he’s freaking proud of his genius little brother and doesn’t hold back a bit at telling him so. Not that the omega ever doubted that Sam would get into his first choice college, but the other man has been so nervous and anxious for weeks and this letter is a huge relief. “Sun, warmth, the ocean around the corner. Nice choice, dude. And you’re hair already matches the hippie state, you’re gonna fit in just right.”

Sam snorts and gives him the finger. “I’m so excited to finally get out of here. I gotta keep it from dad for a while, though. He’s kinda in a cranky mood lately. Gotta wait until he stops raiding the whiskey cabinet every night.”

“That bad?” Dean asks. He cringes at the image of Sam living under one roof with a heavily drunken John Winchester and no one else around in case something happens.

The younger brother shrugs. “Yeah, it comes and goes. He usually barges in in the middle of the night, heats up a can of soup - seriously, I always check if he turned out the gas again afterward - and drops off in the old armchair in the living room. We don’t see much of each other anyway. Soon, I’m gonna be gone. And believe me, I’m not looking back.”

Dean scratches his chin. “It’s kinda sad, though, don’t you think? I mean, he’s gonna be all alone in that house.”

“Are you defending him? After everything he’s done to you?”

“No,” Dean quickly answers and shakes his head, “I’m not defending him, it’s just… maybe pity? I don’t miss that frigging asshole at all, and don’t get me wrong, I don’t spend much time wondering about his wellbeing, but… I don’t know. He just might die one night, choking on his own vomit or whatever, and we maybe never know. No one’s there to check on him.”

Sam sighs and a strand of hair clings to his skin. “Look, I know what you mean and it’s not like I never hoped he would get better, but he just doesn’t. No matter how often people offered help, he never took it, he never wanted to accept his mistakes or that he has serious problems. He doesn’t want the help and at some point, we gotta stop trying for the sake of our own sanity.”

There’s a heavy silence spreading over their conversation now. John Winchester has always been an emotionally charged topic and both brothers, no matter how much they wish for things to be different deep down inside, know that they better not spend to much time arguing about this. It’s not worth the effort.

“So,” Sam says, changing the topic to dispel the cloud of tension between them, “I thought about going to Chicago this summer. I gotta get to see my niece before I start college and don’t have the time for extended visits.”

Dean’s mood immediately increases with the prospect of seeing his little brother again for real. “That’d be awesome. And I bet I can let you stay in the guest room here. I mean, I gotta ask Cas and the others first and…” for a moment, the omega doubts that this is even a good idea, bringing Sam into this horror house of prejudices and outdated ideologies, but letting his brother stay in a hotel doesn’t feel right either, “… okay, so, maybe I should tell you first that Cas’ family is a bit… uhm, not so much progressive. I kinda block out most of their comments and discussions, but I get it when you don’t -”

His explanation gets interrupted by the front door opening. Dean guesses it’s Anna or Naomi, so he better shuts up before he says anything in front of them he’s gonna regret later, but when he turns his head around in direction of the entrance, he sees his mate walking in, hanging up his coat on the rack. It’s more dragging of feet over the tiles than actual walking, though, and the omega frowns. “Hey, you’re home early. Done at work already?”

Cas nods and murmurs something like “Yes” while he shuffles through the hallway and towards the stairs.

“I’m talking to Sam right now, he’s got amazing news. The admission letter from Stanford came and he got a full - hey, Cas, you alright?” But the other man doesn’t answer and disappears upstairs, the only noise coming from his briefcase being dragged over the wooden stairs as he takes step after step.

“What was that?” Sam asks and Dean turns his head around to his brother again.

“I have no idea.” His eyes shortly move back to the hallway with a worried expression on his face. Cas might not be the most talkative one but he’s also never this absent with his mind. The alpha looked pale and tired and a sour scent waves over that troubles Dean even more. “Sam, I gotta go look after him. Something’s wrong.”

The younger brother nods and without much more than a quick goodbye, Dean closes the application and shuts the laptop to follow his mate in their bedroom. Which is empty, though. “Cas?” he calls out and turns around himself once. He opens the door to the bathroom and even to the closet, but the alpha is nowhere to be found. "Seriously, where are you?" Dean mutters to himself and calls out for his mate again. After a minute of just standing in the middle of the room, he walks back into the hallway and already has a foot on the first stair down when he hears muffled shuffling and shifting from the nursery. Carefully, Dean opens the door and finds Cas sitting on the new fluffy rug in front of the crib and apparently fumbling with some paper sheets.

The alpha looks even worse now than he had in the short moment downstairs and when he turns around, Dean can see that his mate has tears in his eyes. "Hey, what's wrong?" Dean asks, stepping in and closing the door behind himself. This close, he can even see what the other man is doing with the paper. "Origami?" he huffs with a soft smile and sits down on the rug, too. Cas doesn't answer and keeps folding a kind of rudimentary looking butterfly.

"The paper is too thick," the alpha eventually says. "I used to do this a Lot..." he pauses, looks at his little creation before balling it up and throwing it away. "Michael thought it's not manly enough for an alpha."

Dean can see that it takes Cas a lot of effort to even say these few sentences without trembling. He tries his best to hide his tears in front of Dean, but even if the omega was blind he could smell how distressed his mate is. "What happened?" something at work must've gone wrong, and judging the little side commentary about Michael, Dean assumes it has something to do with the older Novak.

Cas snorts and shakes his head but doesn't say a word, grabbing for another sheet of paper instead and folding it up. The page is narrowly filled with typed words and a lot of bright red annotations. Dean fetches it out of his husband's hand and reads through it, but not even the first sentence makes sense to him.

"It's my assignment," Cas says.

"Wow. I knew you're smart, but only a genius understands this crab. No wonder Sam's into law too."

The snort from before turns into a huffed laugh that sounds anything but happy and Cas shakes his head again, picking up another page and shredding it. "Yeah, well, I'm not. I failed the exam. Big time."

"So that's what you're mad about?" Dean asks and takes his mate's hand to soothingly brush a thumb over the skin. "So what? you failed. It's not the end of the world."

"It is!" Cas snaps and pulls his hand back. He stands up and walks up and down in front of the big window that only lets in part of the sunshine because of the new blinds. "I have one week to rewrite it or I'll fail the course. And it's not as if I don't know what's wrong about my paper. It's horribly written and only scratches the surface of the topic. My prof was right to let me fail. And on top of it, he told my brother, cause they're big buddies from college."

Dean uses the crib to help him get up again and steps closer to the other man. "Okay, yeah, my first guess was that it has something to do with your douche brother. He's been mad, right?"

"Mad? He's been livid! His office door was closed and still, everyone could hear him. A Novak doesn't fail, that's been his words. How much of a disappointment I've been, too. He said you're a bad influence. That's when I lost it. Damn, I've never yelled at him like that before."

Blinking, Dean stands right in front of his mate, and a small smile tucks at his lips. "you yelled at Michael? For me?" The omega knows how much Cas fears going against his family or even talk back to them, so this is just as much worth as all the "I love you" s from the other man

Cas nods. "Wow. I would've paid good money to see that,'' Dean says and whistles, evoking at least the tiny hint of a smile from his husband. "And also," he adds, stepping closer so that their faces are only inches apart, "you're not a failure to me."

He can see how Cas' jaw clenches and how the dark-haired man's expression becomes a bit softer. This change only lasts for a short moment, though, because suddenly, the alpha slumps down in the comfortable armchair they set up in the nursery, and hides his face in his hands. "But I am," he whines," I fail you too cause if I don't pass this course, I have to wait another year to retake it, which means I'm not gonna finish school this summer, which means I can't officially start my fucking job and earn my own money, and that means we can't move out and I can't provide for you!"

Dean stands in front of Cas and watches how his mate lightly rests his head against Dean's belly. He combs through the other man's dark, messy hair with his hands and massages his scalp, thinking of a way to make Cas feel better. The topic school has been an edgy thing from the very beginning, raising the alpha's anxiety level, especially during exam periods so that Dean felt really sorry for him. Now, Dean wonders if he's been to much of a distraction for Cas to stick to his busy schedule. But if he's honest, lately, he even deliberately kept the other man away from his studies because he always came home sad and depressed from the library and from work too. That makes him think if Cas has ever been really happy about his career path.

"Hey, it's fine," Dean whispers. He turns the alpha's face up and bends down to kiss him. Maybe it's not his position to ask things like this, but then again, they're mates, and not only on paper anymore, so if there's anyone Cas should be able to talk to about this, it's him. Dean kneels down on the floor so that he's at eye level with his husband, and no matter how much the dark-haired man tries to avert his face, he doesn't let him. "Cas, look at me. I'm gonna ask you something and I want you to be honest, okay? Can you do that?"

The alpha frowns but still nods after a moment, so Dean takes a deep breath and braces himself for whatever reaction he might get. "Do you even want to become a lawyer?"

Cas' eyes widen as if he's shocked to even be asked this. Dean assumes no one ever considered to ask him that question before. "Yes!" the other man exclaims, "Of course I want to become a lawyer. Why do you think I don't want to... I mean, that's what I'm supposed to be, what I worked for so many years now."

"Exactly, it's what you're supposed to do. It's what your brother and your mom want, but what about you?"

The other man shakes his head. First, Dean thinks it's meant as an answer but then he realizes it's more out of disbelief or suppression or... he doesn't know how to interpret Cas' behavior right now. the alpha trembles and bites his lip, fumbles with the fabric of the chair's armrest and turns his head away to not look at Dean. When the blond man strokes his mate's knee in silent sympathy, Cas jumps up. "Don't. just... don't," he says and runs a hand through his hair, pulling at the dark strands, "I don't want to talk about it and I really should get started on this." He bends down to pick up the remaining pages of his assignment and already has a hand on the doorknob when Dean stops him. The omega knows that if they don't talk about this now, they never will.

"Would you forget about this crap for a moment? I asked you a question and you said you'd answer honestly."

Cas turns around to look at him, fists balled and tears in his eyes. "What do you want me to say?" he yells, "That I hate it? There. There you have it. I hate it. I hate it so much that I can't even stand going to school anymore and I dread every day at work. Nothing of what my profs or the guys in the office say matters to me anymore. Are you happy now?" He closes his eyes, which makes a tear trail down his cheek and pool in the corner of his trembling mouth. "But there's nothing I can do about it. It's not like I have a choice."

"You always have a choice."

Cas huffs a laugh. "You know just as well as me that sometimes we don't."

This statement punches the air from Dean's Lungs and his jaw clenches. He almost forgot - or maybe suppressed - this time where he had to decide whether or not to mate Cas, where he found himself in a position to really not have a choice. Absentmindedly, he strokes his belly and thinks of where he might be now if he would've somehow got the abortion after all. No, he really doesn't want to go down that road and anyway, there's something more important than delving in things from the past right now.

"That's not the same," Dean says. He knows Cas didn't mean to bring back bad memories, that the alpha simply doesn't know how else to express his feelings right now, and that is something Dean can very much relate to. He reaches out and pulls his mate in, circling the dark-haired man's body with his arms and holding on tightly. Case struggles at first, as if he doesn't want this affection right now, but it only makes Dean clutch to him even more, and eventually, all the tension and bottled up emotions in Cas explode into sobbing. Dean just holds him through the shaking and crying, soothingly rubbing his back or stroking his head. He'll be there, no matter how long the other man needs him, but for the sake of both their comfort, he slowly opens the door and moves - supporting Car all the way - to their bedroom where he sits down on the bed. He tells him to let it all out, to not hold back, and by the sheer power of his mates trembling and the volume of his tears, Dean knows that all of this must've slumbered under the other man's reserved and calm surface for a long time.

"It's fine,” the omega whispers, kissing the top of Cas' head. He hates to see his mate like this and if there's any way he can help, he'll do it.

For minutes - maybe ten, maybe thirty, it doesn't really matter - they just sit there like this. Even after Cas stops crying and his breathing evens, they don't let go of each other. It's the alpha who eventually leans back, his eyes puffy and red. Dean doesn't care how gross he looks right now, he just has to kiss him as if he could suck all the sadness out of him.

"I really don't know how you can be so nice to me," Cas says, his voice even more gravelly than usual because of all the crying, "I'm a disappointment."

"No, you're not," the omega answers, pouring determination and conviction into it while looking Cas in the eyes. The other man tries to hide his face again, but Dean doesn't let him. "Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Your mom and Michael basically forced you to do this."

"It's not even been like that," Cas whispers. He shifts and leans against the pillow, staring up at the ceiling for a few seconds. "I _wanted_ this. And not only because my family expected me to become a Lawyer. I mean, sure, they did, there's never been another plan, but I also never doubted it or looked right and left to see what else I could do. I wanted to go to law school just as much for myself as I did it for them and I saw my life before my eyes, a respected member of society, someone people look up to. Not because of the money or reputation or prestige, that are all reasons why my brother chose this career. But I..." the alpha pauses and absentmindedly strokes Dean's hand, "I really thought I could make a difference, that I could help all the people who have no one else. I wanted to live a life that - once I'm old - I could look back on and be proud of. I don't care about fame and glory. I just wanted to help." This last sentence is almost only mouthed and then Cas looks at Dean and shrugs.

The omega smiles reassuringly. His mate looks so vulnerable right now, with sagging shoulders and the wide, round eyes of a sad puppy.

"I lost track along the way. This world... this world is dark and hateful and even the things I believed in, my faith and my trust in people, the engine of what I thought is right or wrong, they let me down. I've been naive and short-sighted and - god, I want to cringe every time I remember how I used to behave and how I treated you because I  _believed_ in these outdated things. But now that I see the world as it is, I feel like I should want this job all the more to make a change. With all the privilege I grew up with, all the money and possibilities and chances, I just _have_ to work as hard as I can to give at least a bit of it to those who need it. I owe it. To you, to this world…" Tears pool in the corners of his eyes again and he wipes them away with the hem of his shirt. Cas' lips tremble and he stares at Dean, a sad imitation of laughter tugging at his mouth. "And you know what? All I really want now is to have a small house somewhere in the mountains where I don't have to deal with other people's problems. Where our daughter can grow up in peace, far away from the cruelty of this world. I want an armchair in front of a fireplace to read on rainy days and a garden with flowers and herbs and an apple tree. I want a job that I don't hate and that pays enough for us to never worry about food or clothing or a trip once in a while but that also gives me time to just stroll through the woods with you and witness all important moments of Mary growing up."

It’s obvious that Cas is fighting a battle with himself and slowly, Dean begins to realize what is really going on in his mate’s mind. This urge to keep going in a career that clearly makes him unhappy; the drive to never show weakness, to never _fail_ , is rooted so deep inside of him that the prison he built himself with bricks of insecurity and pressure seems to have neither doors nor windows. A dark place of obedience and duty, putting a weight on his shoulders that slowly breaks him

“And you think I don’t want this too?” Dean asks, shifting closer to the other man, “You really think I need all of this here?” He demonstratively opens his arms wide and his eyes roam the pricey furniture. “A rain shower is a nice thing, so is floor heating, satin sheets, and a kitchen island. But I don’t need anything of this, and I don’t want it if it means you have to drudge in a job that makes you miserable. You don’t need to be a hero, Cas. All you need is to think about yourself for a second and stop wondering what society, your family, or even I want you to be. Cause you are entirely up to you, you understand? I want you to be happy, for fuck’s sake, and I know I don’t tell you half as much as I should, but you make me so damn happy. I’m excited to have this pup and to raise her together with you, but I need you as my mate, as the loving and kind and funny man you are, not as a provider or a hero. You already made my world better by just being who you are!”

Cas has tears in his eyes and his bottom lips trembles, but he isn’t at the point to really believe it just yet. “What am I supposed to do then? I have no fucking clue what I’m even good at or what I want to do or what I’m qualified for. Becoming a lawyer has always been the plan for my life and now…” he looks down at his hands where he started twisting and turning his little paper creature. Cas huffs a laugh, “it’s not like I can do origami for a living.”

Dean shrugs. “Why not, though?”

“Dean, please be serious.”

“I am!” the omega exclaims, “You could for example… I don’t know, maybe teach pre-schoolers how to do them. Or sell them as a wedding decoration. You might not cure cancer or bring global peace, you could give others unforgettable moments or let them discover a talent for crafting. And isn’t that making the world a better place too? Small things matter, believe me.”

The alpha can’t hold back the tears anymore and they are running down his cheeks, following the paths of so many others already this afternoon. “Oh, come here you idiot,” Dean says and pulls his mate in, kissing every inch of the other man’s face.

“I love you.”

“I know.”

Dean’s jaw clenches. It feels like this is the right moment to say it back, to let Cas know that he loves him, because he does. All the doubts, all the fear and worrying, it gets overpowered by something that is so raw and pure and new, it has to be love. Maybe he feels like this for some time now already but never truly understood it. And still, those three words get stuck in his throat, no matter how much it hurts to hear them day after day, feeling the warmth and joy that washes over him with hearing it from the alpha, and yet denying it the man he loves. Instead, Dean leans in again to kiss Cas and with every move, every bit of pressure and heat, he tries to make his mate understand.

The alpha reacts like this is the only thing keeping him from suffocating. Kissing turns into nibbling and licking and the roaming of hands over sweaty skin and through damp hair. Not a single sheet of paper fits between them and Dean still feels like he needs to be closer. The sheets ruffle, the mattress giving in under their body weight, and scattered on the floor all around the bed, one piece of clothing joins another. There are no words; moans are all Dean hears when he lies on his side and Cas moves behind him, sweat all he tastes when he sucks a hickey on the other man’s neck, and love and arousal all he smells when his mate’s arms surround him like a blanket of security and devotion. No need to rush, no need to reach the finish line. This moment is their promise to never let go of each other. And when Cas’ lips brush over the sensitive skin on his neck, Dean wishes he’d bite down, wishes he’d have a souvenir of the moment he realizes that he is Cas’ and Cas is his.

The sun sets over the horizon when they open their eyes again, both smiling.

“What now?” Cas whispers and Dean just shrugs. “I have no idea.”

The alpha turns on his back and pulls the sheets over his face for a second, groaning. “I can’t just quit, that’s… no, Michael would know immediately and I mean, he paid for everything and I don’t even know what else to do and -” He’s working himself up again and Dean rests a hand on his mate’s chest to calm him down.

“I get it, it’s a lot now. But… you don’t have to quit right away. Let us search for alternatives first, huh? You rewrite your assignment, just so you pass. After that, we’ll have a bit of a puffer to find you something that you actually like, and maybe something small for me that I can make at the side. You’ve still got a college degree, after all, and a pretty great one too, I bet. We’re gonna find something. We can look into apartments too. You’ll see, it’ll all work out.”

Cas shakes his head and huffs a laugh. “How can you be so optimistic.”

“I have no idea. It’s so atypical for me, but I guess I just want this so much that I don’t spend a thought on not achieving it.” Dean throws the blanket back and lets the cooler air raise goosebumps on his skin before he sits up and smiles at Cas. “For once in my life I have faith.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that sounds like a lot of changes are coming ahead *wink*


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo everyone! it feels like ages since I last updated and I FINALLY finished this chapter. I hope you like it.

Crumpled-up pages lie scattered on the dining room table, some torn and carefully pieced back together with tape, while continuous clicks and thuds sound in the room. Line after line fills the screen, quickly building up to pages of complex sentences as Castiel keeps writing for hours. He worked himself up in a frenzy, creating, editing, and formatting with an enthusiasm he didn’t feel in a long time.

Just like yesterday, he chose to sit in the dining area of the house where Michael can watch him work on his assignment after they came back from church while sitting in his armchair in the living room. The older Novak has made the last couple of days a living hell for Cas and Dean, punishing the former with constant monitoring and showering the latter with insulting commentaries and disapproving glances. The mates decided to keep a low profile for now, play their parts and accept any task or sanctions with humbleness. And while Cas keeps rewriting his paper and gives his brother the impression of being a penitential, ambitious student, he smiles to himself and kicks the tiny angel off his shoulder that tries to prey on his conscience. Going behind his family’s back, withholding his intentions, gives him a kind of power he has never felt before. It spurs him, quickens his typing even more, and lets him finish a high-quality work in a short time. When Michael insists on reading it and nods approvingly along the way, Cas suppresses what can only be described as a mischievous grin.

“See, I knew what you’re capable of. Don’t let your mate’s weakness and lacking sense of duty pull you down again, alright?”

It costs Cas a lot effort to hide his anger and not ball his fists but he keeps telling himself that this housing situation has an expiration date. “Yes, I will set my priorities more clearly in the future.”

The alpha is expected to work full-time in the two weeks of spring break, another punishment move by his brother and an attempt to press him back into the mold, but no matter how many times Cas wants to scream, wants to throw the damn files across the room, or cringes at the racist and sexist jokes in the conference room, he keeps laughing and works twice as hard as everyone else, and each night he comes home to his mate sitting on their bed with laptop, tablet, notepad, and dozens of brochures and printed pages spread in front of him. The time and effort Dean puts into this project, into _him_ , warms his heart.

“I saw your car coming up the driveway,” the omega says after Cas kisses him and bents down to plant another kiss on the blond man’s belly, “so I thought I’d organize all the stuff I found out today. There’s really _a lot_ you can do in the environmental business. Been to the community college again and talked to the guy from environmental biology. He had some pretty good ideas.”

Cas loosens his tie, takes off his shoes, and climbs into bed next to his mate before picking up one of the brochures. “Horticulture?”

“Yeah, I can’t really repeat what that includes but it sounded pretty much like you’d love it so I brought some information on it.”

The alpha quickly reads through the description and his face lights up. Sustainable farming practices, soil fertility, urban green space; just thinking about this gets him all excited.

Dean shoves another brochure in his hands, then opens a few tabs on the laptop and keeps talking. “Oh, and I had a great chat with the secretary of an environmental network around here. They can always need someone with experience in law.”

Castiel shakes his head. Every night for the last week, Dean presented a ton of fields, branches, and opportunities in all the stuff that Cas likes. The alpha watches his mate click through tabs and explain all sorts of jobs to him, and he can’t help but lean in to claim the other man’s lips in a passionate kiss. “I love you.”

Dean grins a bit dumbfounded but nevertheless shifts closer and almost sits on Cas’ lap. “What was that for?”

“I’m really grateful for all the work you put into this.”

The omega huffs a laugh. “Of course I do. It’s actually quite entertaining.”

They browse through the information material some more and Cas thinks his head might explode with all the different opportunities. How is he ever supposed to decide on what to do? Only one last brochure is left that’s been partly hidden under the sheets. Dean fetches it out of the alpha’s hand before he can even take a look at it, though, and hides it behind his back.

“What’s that?” Cas asks with a playful grin and tries to get it back from his mate.

The other man moves backward. “Nothing. Just… it’s not important, just a brochure that I took by accident.”

“If it’s not important, then you can show me and wouldn’t hide it like that. Come on, tell me. Did you look into classes for yourself too? I remember you thought about it once, right?”

Dean blushes. “It’s… really, Cas, it’s nothing.” For a moment, the omega hesitates before giving up in his attempt to flee his mate and hands over the paper. Castiel blinks a couple of times when he reads the front page. “I saw that they also give classes to get your high school diploma and… I don’t know, I just took it without thinking,” Dean adds quietly, a bit as if he’s ashamed.

Cas’ mouth turns into a big grin. “You want to get your GED? That’s amazing! Why would you want to hide that from me?”

The omega shrugs. “I don’t know. We’re going through all these fancy things you can do with your college degree and here I sit and didn’t even finish high school. I feel a bit dumb.” He bites his bottom lip and looks embarrassed, his eyes averting Cas’ and the freckles on his face accentuated by the light pink tint on his cheek. “I wanna be someone our daughter can look up to. I mean, you’re the smart dad anyway but… I don’t want to be _just_ the funny one.”

Castiel has been shaking his head the whole time while his mate spoke and doesn’t hesitate to gently place his hands on both sides of Dean’s face, pulling the surprised omega in to kiss his lips, nose, cheeks, even eyelids; every inch of the dark blond man’s face get covered with kisses while Cas whispers words of love and adoration. “You’re kind and brave and funny, you’re incredibly skilled with your hands. And you _are_ smart, Dean. I never could’ve dreamed of being so blessed to have someone like you at my side. I’m the luckiest mate in the world and Mary will be the luckiest girl for having you as her father. With or without high school diploma.”

The rest of the evening quickly fades into the night with Dean crying, the two of them cuddling and eventually falling asleep.

 

Cas squints his eyes when he exits the multi-story building. The sun shines brightly and a mild breeze blows through his hair on this late March day. He takes a deep breath and sighs as the fresh air fills and leaves his lungs. It’s warmer than he expected and under his woolen scarf he already starts to sweat so he stuffs it into one of the pockets of his trench coat but not without pressing it against his nose for a moment, taking in the familiar and comforting scent of his mate. He lent Dean the dark blue scarf just a couple of days ago and the other man’s sweet, woody scent still lingers on it, making Cas smile and warm, fuzzy feeling flood his body and mind. It’s exactly what he needs right now.

The alpha looks left and right before crossing the street, walking for one block, then another. He needed to get out of the toxic atmosphere of the office. With Michael gone on a business trip for a couple of days and no one left to impress or act his little play in front of, it’s hard to ignore the intolerant and superior behavior up there. The other lawyers and even secretaries and interns don’t dare to openly mock him because he is “big Novak’s baby brother” as they call him when they think he can’t hear them. To summarize their relationship, one may say that Cas doesn’t give a crap about them and neither do they about him. So, for his lunch break, the young alpha prefers the company of pigeons and strangers passing him on the street.

He realizes that he took the wrong direction, leading him further downtown where the sun doesn’t reach him, shielded by the tall buildings surrounding him. The hustle and bustle of men in blue, black, and grey suits, and women carrying large shopping bags, all with their eyes glued to a phone’s screen, makes Castiel uncomfortable. He turns left and tries to get out of the jungle of honking taxis and glaring promotion signs to a place where the buildings are less huge, the clearances in between larger and where he can actually stop once in a while without being run over immediately. He sits down on a bench in a rather puny park to eat the lasagna Dean made him for lunch. The playground to his left offers barely any equipment to deserve this name but the two kids chasing each other don’t seem to care. Their giggling and laughing makes Cas smile. The little girl trips over a lawn edge and falls to the ground with a thud, crying out in shock rather than in pain. The boy, probably her older brother, runs to her side immediately and inspects her scratched knee. The little girl with the pigtails grins brightly when her brother kneels in front of her and taps him on the shoulder, yelling “Tag, you’re it!” before she runs away laughing.

The alpha excitedly watches them chasing around trees, over grass and sand, and even through the gaps in the rusty climbing frame. He hopes he’ll be watching his own kids play like this one day. Castiel blinks and presses his lips together but he can’t help smiling. _Kids_ … as in _more than one_. He’s never spent much time thinking about this but if he’s honest, the image came up once or twice in his mind and now, seeing these two kids, the basic idea turns into a wish or a dream. The alpha shakes it off, laughing about himself. His first child isn’t even born yet and he already makes plans for another one. He really shouldn’t invest too much into this image, though, especially since he has no idea if Dean would even want to have more than one pup with him. And for now, he better uses his time and effort on getting on a solid base with caring for his mate and Mary. Cas sighs. He’s been trying to avoid these thoughts but even though the job opportunities he and Dean have gone through sound amazing and have gotten him all excited, it’s like chasing rainbows. Unpaid or poorly paid internships, voluntary work, college courses; unfortunately, he seems to be interested in careers that won’t pay off at first and he can’t afford this. The hope and excitement had been huge but with reality kicking in, Cas doubts that he can soon be doing something that he loves _and_ move out of his brother’s house. The latter should be his priority right now.

He looks down at his meal and picks at it with his fork.. It’s a shame that this amazing lasagna tastes stale because of his change in mood. He closes the lid of the lunch box and stands up, ready to go back to work. Well, actually he dreads to go back into that office, back to the people he hates working with. It’s not like they would miss him or as if he had any important meetings or conferences scheduled for today, and the files on his desk pile up anyway, so Cas decides to prolong his break and walk around some more to make the most of this sunny day. For a while, he doesn’t even really look left and right or where he’s heading, doubts and fears still nagging at his mind, but he still enjoys being for himself for once. He loves every second he gets to spend with Dean and uses every spare minute he got to be around the omega but there are some things he has to make out with himself and for that, he needs time to thinks.

Castiel doesn’t quite know how he ended up in front of the small church but, being interested in the inscription over the door frame, he steps closer and then just opens the door to peek inside. It’s dark and cool and carries the typical smell of wood and candle wax. His footsteps on the stone floor hall through the big room as he walks along the aisle, his fingers skimming the backrests of the pews. The atmosphere is familiar yet new and a bit of the awe he used to feel when he entered the church at home washes over him. It had always been the place for him to go whenever something in his life became hard to bear. _When dad died, when_ _… when Gabriel left. Even when I met Dean._ But the strength and comfort he used to get from his church got replaced with anxiety and hate, with the reality of hypocrisy and intolerance that he finally saw in the faces around him. And still, Castiel sits down in the front row now and looks up at the cross behind the altar. This isn’t his church, the people who disappointed him never went here, and it’s like he’s alone with his faith. So he prays.

“Can I help you?” A voice echoes through the room and Cas looks up. He didn’t expect someone to be in here so his surprise is writ large in his face.

The priest stands a few feet away, next to the altar, and looks at Cas with a kind smile. He must’ve come in from the door on the far right and walked so silently that Castiel didn’t notice him entering the room.

“I- I’m sorry, I thought I was alone,” the alpha says.

The other man chuckles and steps closer. “You’re never alone, son.” His robe seems a bit loose around his slender body and more like it’s either not his personal one ore he lost a lot of weight just recently.

Castiel smiles and shrugs. “I was kinda trying to figure out if that’s true.” He’d always loved these sentences when his pastor or his family told him that God was always there, always watching, because while they maybe meant it as a warning not to do anything stupid, for him it felt like knowing someone would keep an eye on him to make sure he takes the right directions or would help before anything bad could happen. But now…

“Waiting for a sign?” The priest sits down on the bench. He is about the same height as Cas, older though, maybe in his forties, with friendly, brownish green eyes and dark hair except for his temples that glim silvery in the dim light of the church. His scent is comforting but very subtle so Cas assumes he’s a beta or uses scent blockers.

“Maybe,” he whispers and looks up at the cross again. He lets his eyes roam his surroundings, the decorative columns of sandstone, the colorful windows displaying various religious events or even just wide landscapes with fields, forests, and villages. The thought of how long people must’ve worked on them and what kind of thoughts must’ve been running through their heads while creating these masterpieces gives him a bit of a chill. The figurines in the windows seem to stare at him and it makes him feel so small.

They sit in silence for a while and the alpha almost forgot about the priest sitting next to him when the older man starts to speak. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be noisy but I couldn’t overhear your prayers earlier. I seemed to me you are carrying  a lot of emotional weight with you.”

Cas’ eyes widen. He didn’t even realize that he’d said his prayers out loud and begins to stammer. “Yes, uhm, it’s just…” he scratches the back of his neck, a habit he took over from Dean.

“Don’t feel pressured to tell me anything if you don’t want to. But maybe it’ll help more than waiting for a heavenly whisper. I could hear your confessions if you want.”

Castiel huffs a laugh. “I’m not Catholic,” he says.

The priest grins and shrugs. “And I’m not American. Still, we’re both here right now. Lucca Camilleri.” He holds his hand out for Cas to shake. “Castiel Novak.”

There’s no way to deny that the other man comes across kind and charismatic but pastor Jim used to carry the exact same vibe for him and it makes Cas a bit uneasy. He desperately wants to talk to someone who shares his faith, something that Dean simply can’t understand, but the alpha is also scared to be facing hateful and bigoted statements again.

“Is there something that makes you uncomfortable?” The priest asks in what Cas now identifies as an Italian accent.

The alpha takes a deep breath. “It’s just… My faith, my church, it had been my safe harbor to go to when I was in distress, all my life. It gave me strength and comfort. But now…” He shakes his head. He looked up to those people for so many years, was made into someone who not only hated himself for his allegedly sinful and unnatural biases and interest but someone who loves and acted and _judged_ by these ideas. “A lot is changing in my life right now and I have tough decisions to make. Sometimes I wish I still had my naive, blind trust in the future but I simply don’t know what to do anymore. And my church didn’t prove to be much of a problem solver in the past months.”

“What do you mean? Do you want them to make the difficult decisions for you?”

Cas turns to the priest. “No!” he exclaims firmly, “I want them to accept and tolerate that I am in love with a man and that he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I want them to accept that I see the world differently than they do and that I am freaking done with all the rules and the hate and the prejudices. I want to finally be able to live my life without their influence still sticking to me like wax. _Their_ interests and _their_ worldview still influences my thoughts when I try to make a decision that’s good for me, my mate, and our pup.” The quizzical expression on the other man’s face tells him that he showered the priest with more incoherent information than he can process and after a short moment of hesitation Cas begins to explain his situation. He talks - very briefly -  about Dean and Mary, about his mother and Michael, school, the office, and his plans to move out and start his own little family out of the grip of his overbearing relatives.

Lucca Camilleri listens closely, asks a question or two in between for better understanding, and all the while, he nods and generally shows the kinds of support Cas craved for so much.

“I want us to move out. I know we can’t ever be free to live our life as we choose if we stay there. And I also really want to quit school and do something that I love. Not only for my own sake but because I think I can’t be a good mate and father if I constantly feel stressed and anxious about my job because I hate it. But I just don’t see a way right now to get both. How can I make enough money - quickly -  to move out when the careers I’m interested in don’t offer it right away?”

The priest stays quiet for a while, his eyes closed and his head bobbing in a minute nod. “So,” he says, “Working in your brother’s office and generally as a lawyer isn’t only not your dream job, you hate it and feel anxious about it.” Cas nods.“And you want to move out with Dean rather sooner than later, right? Where doesn’t really matter, you’re not picky.”

The alpha nods again. “Yes, exactly but-”

Lucca Camilleri cuts in and finishes the sentence for him. “But the careers you are interested in won’t pay enough at first or you would even have to put more money in to get into it in the first place. So you’re in a dilemma to decide between quitting school but still living with your family, which would cause a lot of problems since they aren’t likely to support your decision, or moving out but keep working with your brother and finishing law school.”

Cas sighs. “Yes, that’s it.” He knows that the priest only asks to make sure he understands the problem but it also makes Castiel anxious to hear the inevitability of his situation.

“Have you considered a compromise? A middle course?” the other man suggests.

Cas frowns. “How can there be a middle course between moving out and staying home? Or between quitting school and becoming a lawyer?” Seriously, if it would be that easy he would’ve already thought of that.

The priest huffs a laugh and shakes his head. “That’s not what I meant.” The wooden bench creaks loudly when he shifts in his seat. “You say you can only choose between your current career path and what you dream of doing. But there are way more possibilities. You are so young, still have your whole life ahead of you. What you do now doesn’t have to be what you do forever, remember that. And if I may give you an advice, don’t rush into a career now because you feel like you owe it to someone to make the decision. Try out the fields that you are interested in and find what suits you most.”

“Yes, I would love to do that but then I’m facing the problem of no money again.” Cas appreciates the priest’s sympathy but it doesn’t actually help him solve the problem.

“That’s why I suggest a middle course,” the other man continues, “For now, you could search for a job that pays enough so you can move out. It probably won’t be your dream job but maybe - hopefully - it is still better than working with your brother. And use your free time to qualify for what you really would love to do. Voluntary work on the weekends or an evening class once a week could help for example. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, especially not with a child, but with enough effort and faith, I know you can make it.”

Castiel stays quiet and stares at the man in front of him. His vision becomes blurry, then clear again, his eyes squint and then widen. He has a hard time processing what he just hear but the more he thinks it through, the more he’d like to slap himself for not having this idea before. “That’s… that’s actually the best advice I got in a long time. And to be honest, I didn’t expect to find it in a church. I wanted to, I hoped to and came here to get a sign, but I doubted that I would get one.”

“I’m glad I could help,” Lucca Camilleri says. Castiel thanks him, shaking the priest’s hand intensely, and on his way out he puts a fifty dollar bill in the collect.

He feels energized and like a fire has been lit up in him again. Walking back to the office, his footsteps basically fly over the pavement, and when he slumps behind his desk he ignores both the pile of files and the questioning looks from his co-workers and browses through the job ads on the internet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooohhh, the plans get more concrete. Lots of changes wait around the corner ;)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *bursts through the door, wearing a santa hat* Ho Ho Ho, I'm back, folks!! Yes, I'm actually back with a new chapter after AGES of struggling with mid-terms and writer's block. Gosh, it feels so good and I'm incredibly happy that I finished this chapter. It's my personal little Christmas miracle. I hope you've all been well in the meantime and didn't forget what this story was about. I'm thankful for everyone who's still with me on this trip and thanks for all the nice comments. Okay, so, that's it, go on and have fun reading. Expect a lot of dialogues in this one, but well, I gotta bring the story forwards <3<3

Dean scratches his skin. He feels itchy more and more now and even buys the moisturizer Dr. Crowley recommended. It’s nothing uncommon, though, just another pregnancy-related symptom he has to get used too. Like the increasing lack of sleep because he just can’t find a comfortable position in bed, or like the fact that he has to shave more regularly. How that is related to him being pregnant is a mystery to him, though, but he read it on the Internet so Dean just shrugs and hoards razor blades. The Internet is his new best friend anyway and he spends hours on blogs and Pinterest, marveling at the perfectly neat and incredibly creative nurseries or baby clothes. Sometimes it makes him anxious because how in the world is he ever going to be that kind of ingenious when it comes to letting Mary have the best time ever growing up. But in moments like this, Cas is always the voice of reason reminding him that a perfect picture on the web doesn’t mean that there’s a perfect life behind that. And even if, there’s no need to compare to these people.

Of course Cas is right, and maybe Dean shouldn’t obsess over those blog posts, but sometimes he finds way more manageable ideas of what to do with an infant than written in all those pregnancy books he bought and which pile up all over the bedroom. And then there’s this one family he follows, a male omega and his mate, posting about their journey with pregnancy and birth and the life with their little baby boy. He fights heated discussions with some bigoted people in the comment section, but he also has nice chats with couples just like him and Cas from all around the world. It gives him hope that they can make it even in a sometimes toxic society like the one they live in. And late in the evening, when Cas finally comes home and slips under the heavy blanket, automatically feeling for the omega’s skin, Dean covers his mate’s hand with his own. In the silence and darkness of the room, with only a sliver of moonlight shining through a gap in the curtains, he just has to smile.

 

Friday is a busy day for everyone. Naomi takes Jake to the zoo so that Anna and Dean have time to prepare for the young boy’s birthday party on Saturday. He specifically asked for _uncle Dean_ _’s_ cherry pie and the blond man will make sure that it’s the best pie he ever made. The two omegas spend the whole morning shopping for plates, cups, napkins and garlands - all with space themes - before they heat up the oven for a day of baking. It’s exhausting but also a lot of fun, especially when Anna connects her phone to the Bluetooth speaker and they practically scream along with Bob Seger. Dean never knew she’d be one for classic rock, but then again, it doesn’t surprise him at all with how her red hair is all over the place as she bangs her head to the beat. Luke comes up from his underground realm once or twice to complain about the noise but Dean could swear he was a tiny smile tugging at his lips whenever the alpha turned around again with a sigh.

The pie is in the oven, dozens of cupcakes cool down on the kitchen counter waiting to be iced, and while Anna writes names on place cards in her neat, cursive handwriting, Dean uses the small break to wipe down the surfaces and puts a kettle of water on the stove to boil. He sets up two mugs and grabs for Cas’ favorite tea in the cupboard, completely ignoring how he made fun of this stuff and actually grew to like it lately.

Anna yawns and clutches to the mug when Dean puts it in front of her. She has dark shadows under her green eyes with the hint of a few wrinkles, and still, with her kind smile she looks like she drank from the fountain of youth. “I’m exhausted, my back and feet hurt, I cut myself twice, have several burn marks on my hands and I’m pretty sure my finger is turning blue from bruising it on the oven door,” she says and takes a sip after blowing on the tea, “But I’m also so excited about the party tomorrow. Jake did better this year and made friends in kindergarten. I was worried at first because he’s such a sensitive boy but it was the right decision. Going to school will be way easier for him now.”

“He’s a smart kid. And kind. Got that from his mom,” Dean grins.

“Well, of course.” There’s a pause in which they both smile and the redhead puts her mug down on the counter again. “What about you?” she adds, “How are you? I feel like we didn’t have much time to just sit and talk lately. Does Mary still feel comfortable in there?”

Dean looks down at his belly. “I hope so. At least she’s communicating pretty loudly with me. Although I don’t know if her kicks are meant as approval of her situation or if she’s flipping the finger at me.”

Anna laughs and her eyes squint together.

“No, seriously,” Dean continues, although he has a big grin on his face too, “On the latest sonogram pic it looks like she really does. The doc and Cas thought it’s hilarious.”

“She’s your daughter, what did you expect?”

They chuckle and Dean throws a small crump of pie crust at her.

Anna leans back in her seat and flexes her finger a bit. “How far along are you now? Six months?”

Dean nods. “Almost, yes.” He huffs a laugh and shakes his head. “I sometimes can’t believe that it’s already half a year since I met Cas. But then I think, it’s _only_ half a year since I met Cas and now we’re…” He stops himself from continuing. It’s not like he doesn’t trust Anna, but what’s happening between him and Cas lately is still a bit new and exciting and Dean isn’t sure he would know how to put it into words for her.

“Now you’re married and mated and expect a child. I get it, this must be overwhelming at times.”

Dean shrugs. “No, actually not. I mean, sure, sometimes it’s still hard to wrap my head around all of this, but in general I’m fine with it. More than fine actually.”

The redhead tilts her head to the side. “Then, what else were you going to say? Now you’re sitting the kitchen on a Friday afternoon with your charming sister-in-law?” She winks at him.

“That too, of course,” Dean says and scratches the back of his neck. He thinks for a moment, wondering if he should tell her about Cas’ and his plans and runs a finger along the rim of the mug to cover his insecurity. “No, it’s… it’s nothing.”

Anna sighs dramatically and looks at him with big eyes and her lips pursed “Oh, come on, I thought we were having a moment here.”

Dean avoids her glance and stirs in his tea, nervously biting his lip with an awkward grin.

“You don’t _have_ to tell me, I don’t want to pressure you,” the red-haired omega adds when she notices his uncomfortable behavior, “But I’ll gladly listen to whatever is on your mind. And I’m really good at keeping a secret.”

Well, it would be nice to tell someone about their thoughts and plans. Dean already tried to tell Sam but his brother is so excited and worked up since he knows he’s going to Stanford University that they hardly talk about anything else. But Anna offers to listen and Dean knows that she is a trustful person, so maybe it would feel good to let her in on the whole thing. Also, once they have actual results and can take action it would be nice to have someone who could help them to figure out how to drop the bomb to Michael and Naomi without causing too much damage. “Well… Cas and I, we’re… we want to change some things.”

Anna blinks and squints her eyes. “I don’t think I can quite follow. Change I _what_?”

“Our living situation,” Dean explains and searches for any sign of disapproval in the other omega’s face. “How we spend our lives. The way it’s now isn’t what we envision for us and our future. And with Mary coming into the equation soon… we feel like it’s time to start something that is just ours.”

The redhead tilts her head to the side for a moment and then raises her eyebrows. Dean knows that she gets what he’s trying to say through the lines. “You mean… you want to move out?”

“Yeah.”

“Like, _now_?”

He shakes his head. “Not _now_   now, we still have to find a place. But, yeah, as soon as possible.”

There’s a moment of silence where they both awkwardly take a sip from their mugs and look everywhere but at each other. Anna is the first to speak again. “How is that supposed to work though?” she whispers and immediately apologizes. “Sorry, I don’t mean to sound rude or disapproving. I just… I wonder if you thought this through. I know you don’t get along with Michael and Naomi but you gotta think about Mary too. We have all the space and supplies you need here. Believe me, once your daughter is born you’ll be busy enough with her to not want to have to worry about anything else. I could help you with everything.”

It’s almost like she’s pleading him to stay and Dean feels a bit sorry for telling her about this. He smiles at her and grabs for her hand across the counter. “I know, Anna, and we really don’t want to offend you or anything. Seriously, you kept me sane her for a long time and I consider you a good friend,” he pauses and takes a deep breath, “but Cas and I…” he smiles at the thought of his mate like a high school boy with a crush, “we’ve been working on our relationship and… Anna, we’re really becoming our own little family now. We don’t need something big or fancy, just something that is ours.”

She rests her other hand on his and smiles reassuringly. “I’m happy for you. I really am. And I get what you mean but, even a small apartment needs to be financed. You need to pay for rent and electricity, heating, water, garbage… and that doesn’t even include the rest of your living expenses. Cas is still in school and you can’t exactly work enough to support the three of you when you stay with Mary. A kid is hard work. And as much as I would like to help you, Michael and Naomi wouldn’t pay for an apartment when you can just as well live here.”

It’s not like Dean and Cas don’t know that and he’s actually a bit touched how much she cares about them. “Yeah, I figured as much,” he says, “And we don’t even _want_ there help. No, don’t look at me like that. We’re not lunatics, we know very well that it’s gonna be hard, but… we still think it’s worth the effort. We got a plan.”

Anna squints her eyes again. “You do?”

“Nothing specific yet. Just… well, we spent a lot of time lately thinking this through and we’re positive that we can make it.”

She sips on her tea and stays silent for a moment before putting her mug back down, smiling at him. “I just hope you know what you’re doing.”

Dean shrugs and huffs a laugh. “Well, what I do know is that it feels good to make these plans and that it’s worth the effort.”

Anna sighs. “Then… keep me updated. And tell me if you need help with something. Anything.”

He leans over the counter to kiss her cheek. “Thanks, Anna. You’re the best.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” She chuckles, then takes a deep breath and stretches her arms over her head. “Now, come on, let’s ice those cupcakes.”

 

Dean jerks up when the entrance door opens in the evening. He sits on the couch in the living room with Jake and watches a kid’s movie. The almost birthday boy is asleep next to him and snuggles to his side while the DVD menu on the screen plays the same sequence over and over again. Cas comes up from behind and gently massages his shoulders.

“Hey,” the omega whispers sleepily. He turns his head to the side so that Cas can bend down to kiss him.

“Hey,” the dark-haired man answers. He grins and kisses Dean again. “Where’s Anna? And Naomi?”

Dean yawns and tries to sit more comfortably without waking up Jake. “Anna is at the airport to pick up your brother. And your mom is in her room I guess. I saw her at dinner but then Jake wanted to watch a movie.” He blinks a couple of times and looks around the room. “Damn, it’s late. I must’ve fallen asleep.”

Cas sits down on the armrest of the sofa and loosens his tie. “Did you have a nice day at least?”

The omega nods. “Lots of baking. But the pie is freaking awesome. In my humble opinion.”

They lean against each other and cuddle in this awkward position for a bit, and Dean feels like he could fall asleep like this again any minute when Cas runs a hand through his hair and his deep voice vibrates through Dean’s body even though the alpha is whispering. “I have good news.”

Dean sits up straight again and yawns, stretching his arms. “I like the sound of that.” He carefully stands up. “Wait, let’s get Jake into bed first.”

Cas nods and unbuttons his shirt. “Okay, I’ll take a shower while you tuck him in.”

When he picks up the boy, Jake slowly blinks awake. “Is the movie over?”

Dean ruffles through his hair and walks in front of them to open the doors for Cas. “Yes, you slept through most of it. We’ll finish it another time.

In Jake’s room, he throws back the covers on the bed so that Cas can lay him down. The alpha kisses Dean again before quietly leaving the room.

“Where’s my mom?” The boy asks, yawning.

Dean stands next to the bed and makes sure that the blanket is covering him properly. “She’s at the airport to pick up your dad.”

“I want to wait until they come home.”

The omega smiles. “I’m sure you want to. But you can hardly keep your eyes open. They’ll be here when you wake up tomorrow.”

Jake looks like he wants to protest but it drowns in a yawn.

Dean walks over to the bookshelf. His eyes roam the many kid's books, neatly sorted in alphabetical order and clearly selected by Anna. He doubts that Michael would choose these colorful stories about magic and friendship for his son. “Which one do you want me to read to you?” But when he turns around, the boy is already asleep.

He smiles and pulls the covers up a bit one last time before kissing Jake’s forehead and leaving the room, turning on the night light and quietly closing the door. When he comes into his and Cas bedroom, he can hear the sound of the shower spray and uses the time to switch into his very ugly - but also very comfy - pajamas and massage the skin on his belly with the lotion he keeps on the bedside table. It became a bit of an evening ritual to sit on his bed with his shirt pulled up and to gently rub the lotion on his skin. He felt pretty ridiculous at first to do this but now sees the benefits of not only soothing the itching but also of this precious moment of connection to his unborn daughter. Especially when Mary kicks in a time like this or simply moves around a lot, he can’t help grinning like an idiot.

But even though he’s focused on the circling movements of his hands on his belly, he doesn’t miss Cas coming into the room with only a towel around his hips and his skin covered in drops of water. The alpha looks smoking hot - even more than he does on an everyday basis anyway - and Dean doesn’t hold back to tell him so. Cas chuckles, turns around, and walks over to the close, dropping the towel on the way and giving Dean a nice view. Seriously, the suits are nice but they still mostly hide this insanely nice ass. Again, Dean vocalizes his thoughts, adding how he would like to cover Cas’ butt in hickeys.

The alpha shakes his head with a laugh when he climbs into bed next to his mate but his scent tells pretty clearly that those words didn’t pass by without an effect. “I love the sound of that. But first, I really have something to tell you.”

Dean shifts closer and they slot together like puzzle pieces with his head on Cas’ chest.

“I have a job,” the alpha says.

Dean raises his head. He was playing with the chest hairs of his mate but now he looks the other man in the eyes. “Wait, seriously? Like… a _job_ job?”

Cas chuckles. “Yes. A _real_ job with _real_ salary.” His eyes squint with how bright he smiles and Dean leans in to kiss him.

“Oh my god, Cas, that’s amazing! How? No, I mean, where?”

The alpha sits up more so his back leans against the backrest. “It’s nothing special, just a part-time job at a Gas’N’Sip. But Nora, my boss, said that one of the full-time employees is moving out of town this summer and if I’m doing good I might get his job.”

Dean didn’t expect this to happen anytime soon no matter how hard he wished for it, but he is incredibly happy, especially when seeing his mate so proud with himself. “I’m proud of you. Seriously, I didn’t even know you applied there.”

“I didn’t,” Cas says, “not really. I just went to a part of the city where I was sure no one I know would come by normally and went into the store to ask if they hire.”

“I gotta say I’m surprised. That doesn’t sound like you.”

The alpha’s eyes go wide. “Right? But, I don’t know, I just want to get started. It doesn’t pay nearly as much as I would earn as a lawyer, though, and -”

Dean interrupts him before this conversation can even go in the direction he fears it might go. “Hey, we’ve been through that already, no need to apologize. I don’t care how big your bank account is, I just want you to be happy with whatever you do.”

Cas smiles softly and cups Dean’s cheek with his hand. “I know, and I love you for that,” he leans in for a quick kiss, “but I didn’t even mean to apologize. I meant to say that right now, I can put aside every single cent of what I earn so that maybe we have enough to get an apartment by the time Mary is born.”

“That’s pretty ambitious.” Dean surely likes the idea of moving out as soon as possible, but he also doesn’t want Cas to overwork for the sake of a month or two less of living under this roof.

But the alpha is excited and wired up with the news so he hardly notices his mate’s worries. “Well, I _am_ ambitious. If clearing more gas station restrooms than anyone else and staying for the unwanted night shift brings me closer to our very own home, so god will be my witness that I will work as hard as I can.” His dark hair is still a bit damp and sticks to his forehead. He looks like a child right before Christmas, anticipating the next morning to unwrap all the presents. Cas’ eyes are big and round and so full of live, full of hope, that it gives Dean sparks of joy. The excitement jumps over with the intensely clear and rich smell of the alpha’s scent.

“So, does that mean you’re quitting school for real now?”

Cas shakes his head. “Not now. I want to earn us a bit of a solid financial base before I take that step because once I do, Michael will know and I’m not ready to face that fight just yet.”

That’s true, once they make their plans official to the rest of the family, they will confront a whole storm of disapproval, probably even hate, and a tirade of negative conversations. “I get it,” Dean says and nods, “I mean, I’m kind of looking forward to seeing all the blood draining from your brother’s face and his voice becoming all high-pitched with rage and so on, but you’re right. Not now.”

“Exactly. So, just for the show, I will pretend to be the best student ever.”

Dean thinks about this for a moment and scratches his head. “Uhm, how is that gonna work, though? I mean, classes, working at your brother’s office, and now also working shifts at the Gas’N’Sip? That’s a lot.”

The alpha strokes over the sheets and straightens them while he talks. “I know, but don’t worry, I’ve planned this through in detail. Actually, I spent most of my time at work today to figure this out.” He turns to the side and fetches his briefcase that he apparently kept next to the bed. Cas pulls out a pile of papers covered in notes so that there’s hardly any white space left. To Dean it looks like some cryptic code but the alpha seems to know exactly where to find what he searched for. He places one page on his lap and Dean sits up properly so he can try to read it.

“Okay, look,” Cas continues, “Spring term starts on Monday and all my classes are projects where I basically work on my own for the term and present a paper at the end. That’s really convenient cause it means I don’t actually have to be present. There are class times, but it’s usually meant as Q&A hours where you can discuss the process of your project with the professor. I never had any trouble with that so no one expects me to be present.” He switches to another page. “Michael of course knows which classes I took and to prevent that he tries to meddle with my projects, I chose topics I know he’s anything but an expert in. So, even though I’m technically still in school, I have lots of time to do shifts at the gas station. I just tell Michael I’m at the library or somewhere else to work on my projects and he’ll let me be. I probably can even do fewer hours in his office like that.”

Dean blinks a couple of times. He is impressed with how much thinking Cas put into this but he’s also a bit intimidated and worries that it’s too much of a shaky construct. “And you’re sure this will work? Don’t you think someone will notice?”

Cas smiles at the omega and kisses him. “It sounds crazy, I know, but I can pull it off. I just worry that I might not have that much of time for you in the next couple of weeks.”

“Nah, don’t worry about that. You’ve been out most of the day lately anyway. I’ll miss you but I can always come over in your shift and bring you lunch or so,” Dean winks.

The alpha sighs. “That’d be great. I’m kinda excited to go behind their backs and smile into Michael’s face while I plan for us moving out in my head.”

Dean chuckles. “Who are you and what have you done to my mate?” He takes the pages out of Cas’ hands and puts them to the side before straddling him. “So mischievous. I like it.”

That night, Dean leaves lots of hickeys on all parts of his husband’s body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, go Cas, be fierce and mischievous!
> 
> To everyone out there: Thanks for reading, enjoy your time. Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it and generally a wonderful time to all of you. Love ya! <3


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 2019!!! Oh.My.God.... yes, I've been gone (again) for so long and I'm sorry about it. Finals, being sick, general chaos and lacking motivation... the usual. Anyway, I'm back and that's what matters.  
> Have fun jumping back into this rollercoaster of a Dean/Cas story, I hope you like it <3<3

Castiel puts lids on the two large cups of coffee and hands them to the young woman who hastily pays with a handful of change. She has her phone pressed between her right ear and shoulder and leaves the store just as quickly as she entered it but not without giving Cas a warm - if tired - smile. Just like every morning.

The second week in his new job is almost over and the alpha firmly believes that these have been the most productive fourteen days of his life. He may not change the world but he sure puts a lot of effort into doing his best every single day. It has been a stressful and at times exhausting transition. Since he mostly works morning and night shifts, his sleeping rhythm, eating habits and general daily schedule became a mess, especially in the first week. Castiel either leaves the house at five to do a full shift before going to his brother’s office for a couple of hours in the afternoon or he goes from the office straight to the gas station to brew cup after cup of extra strong coffee for truckers passing by throughout the night. He might be better at time management than most but his energy level still has its limit and so he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. On top of that, the constant fear of being caught keeps him alert and anxious for the whole first week of this new “adventure”.

He’s been excited about his job and positive about the plan he prepared into detail but when he knocks on his brother’s office door to tell the tale of his time-intensive school projects he still holds his breath. Michael is intimidating, no matter what mood he’s in, and the big leather chair in front of floor-to-ceiling windows showing Chicago’s downtown area certainly adds to the impressive and superior vibe the older alpha likes to create. Castiel put on a strong aftershave to hide his nervousness and has to concentrate to not stammer his rehearsed lines. But Michael doesn’t seem to doubt one word, doesn’t even ask many questions - at least nothing Castiel hasn’t prepared for anyway - and the conversation goes over smoothly. And still, the first time Cas drives to the Gas’N’Sip for his shift he takes a long detour through the city, stopping at a coffee place near campus to buy breakfast with his credit card so that it would turn up on the bill his brother gets.

That’s not all he does to make his plan work. He always changes into his suit at work and keeps a bottle of perfume in his car to mask any lingering smell from the gas station. He washes his work clothes in a laundromat around the corner to avoid any possibility that someone at home might find the vest with his name tag. A couple of times, Cas goes to the library and picks up random books about his school projects just to “forget” them on the kitchen counter or dining room table with sticky notes as tabs on several pages. At some point, Dean calls him out on his paranoia and the alpha has to admit that he is taking the precautions a bit too far sometimes. It only takes away more time of the little bit he and Dean have left for them and Castiel sure doesn’t want to abandon his mate even more. No matter how mentally challenging it is to change from cashiering and cleaning to dealing with legal problems every day, every time he comes home to Dean and they browse the apartment listings while snacking on popcorn or bicker over which show to watch in bed he remembers why he’s doing all of this.

On top of the financial freedom the job gives him - first and foremost the goal he has in mind - Castiel is also pleasantly surprised to realize he’s actually good at it. It may seem like simple and repetitive chores but to him it’s pretty challenging, especially interacting with customers. His social skills weren’t nearly as good as working in a law firm and going to church should have taught him but he is sure that his mate showed him a lot about how to be an empathic human being so that he can master awkward situations better now. He notices the same people coming in at always the same time and Cas starts to remember their always same orders, learns their habits and begins to understand and feel with them when they seem to be in a bad mood. In a way, it’s rewarding to receive little smiles or thank yous in return and Castiel takes great joy from it.

The first time Nora hands Cas his paycheck feels incredible. It’s just a piece of paper but what it stands for is far more worth than the actual dollars. Michael would only snort at this amount of money - hell, there were times where Cas spent more on dress shirts on one day - but it doesn’t matter anymore. The alpha strokes the paper where his name is written in his boss’ neat handwriting and he can’t help grinning from ear to ear. He did this, he _earned_ this. He worked his ass off because he has a dream and a goal and he is taking action to walk towards it step by step.

Castiel showers Dean’s face with kisses when he comes home that day and the omega giggles, tickled by the stubble Cas forgot to shave in the morning.

“Hey, whatever got you into this mood, keep taking it,” the blond man says smirking, followed by a low groan when Cas sucks a hickey behind his ear. “Whoa, okay, yeah, definitely keep doing that.”

The alpha grins against his mate’s skin and pulls on Dean’s ear-lope just a little with his teeth. He knows that the other man loves this. “I missed you,” he whispers.

Dean laughs. “You saw me this morning but whatever.”

“No, I mean, yes I did, but in general. I haven’t been here a lot lately.” Castiel pulls back. His fingers glide over the slightly wet mark he just left on his husband’s neck and he groans. This really shouldn’t turn him on as much as it does. “You know what we’re gonna do? I don’t work on Sunday, so after church, we’ll take off and go on a day trip. Just you and me. I handed in my first paycheck today and want to treat my pregnant and extremely handsome mate.” With his thumbs, he draws circles on Dean’s belly before hooking his fingers in the other man’s belt loops to pull him in as close as their pup allows him to. “What do you say?”

Dean swallows. His eyes are hooded and his scent turns sweet. “I say you’re too damn sexy to be legal.” He passionately captures Castiel’s lips with his own and slowly walks them towards their bed. “But, you know, there are so many other ways how you can treat me. And we don’t even have to leave the room.”

This turn of events takes Cas a bit by surprise. He would lie if he said he wasn’t aroused, especially with Dean taking the reins, but he actually meant to invite Dean on a date and now he has to really concentrate to follow through with this plan instead of just falling backward on the mattress. He could, and he wants to, but better after this. “I really like where this is going,” Cas says, “but I can treat you…” he licks his lips and clears his throat with a little bit of a blush on his face, “well, I can treat you _this way_ anytime we want to. On Sunday, I want us to go out and spend some time together. On a date.”

Dean stops roaming through Cas hair for a moment and leans back. “A date?”

The alpha nods. “A date. Sharing food and taking a walk outside while holding hands. I can massage your feet afterward if they ache.” Cas takes his mate’s hand and starts swaying to the music only he can hear in his head. They both need a bit more time for them, a bit more normality in these times of changes. The dark-haired man longs for this intimacy, these moments without interruption from the outside world waiting to be handled. Even though he knows that their best times are yet to come, Castiel sometimes wants to freeze everything around them to just enjoy the way Dean blushes and smiles and smells when he radiates genuine happiness.

The omega chuckles and clumsily follows the movements of Cas’ feet. “You’re such a sap.” He leans in for a quick peck on the lips. “I really appreciate it but you don’t have to take me out. We decided we would save all the money for an apartment. And _if_ you spend it on something, then do it for yourself, not me. You earned that money.”

“I’m not gonna take you to a fancy restaurant, I just want to use my first money to treat you a bit. And if it’s hot dogs from a food truck downtown, so be it. I just…” Castiel turns his head to the side and sighs, “Remember when we went out for your birthday? I promised this would become our new normal, that I would invest more time in our relationship, but ever since then, we haven’t been out on a date at all.” He lets go of Dean’s hands and sits down on the mattress.

Dean stands right in front of him and Cas lightly rests his forehead on his husband’s belly. The omega strokes his temples and brushes through his hair. It soothes Castiel’s worries that Dean seems to be content with them at the moment but he still has this nagging urge to make up for how he behaved in the beginning of their relationship. If it’s even possible to call it a relationship back then. Dean said that he moved on from these events again and again, but Cas simply isn’t one hundred percent sure about this. He is insecure. Does Dean just say it because he’s repressing the horrifying experiences? Is there anything Cas can do to help him through it? Should they get professional help? Or did the omega really leave behind the dark parts of their past and wants to move on, wants to establish a “normal” for their situation?

“We’ve done so great lately. As a couple I mean,” he murmurs mostly to himself. Dean doesn’t answer and Castiel swallows around a lump in his throat. “Or is it just me?”

This time, the omega huffs a laugh, puts his hand on the dark-haired man’s cheek and presses just a bit to make him look up in his beautiful green eyes. “Nah, it’s not just you. We… we’ve kinda been awesome. Never thought I’d one day agree on that.”

Castiel stares at one particularly pretty freckle right in the corner of his husband’s right eye. He swears it’s slightly shaped like a heart. “And I want to keep it that way,” he adds after a while, “I don’t want us to get stuck when he didn’t even have a chance so far to built our life the way we want it.” They started in a pretty dark place, went further down into pitch black madness and have come a long and pretty rough road back up into the light. Castiel knows that there is still so much more to work on, so much more to conquer in their future, and he wants to build their relationship strong and fierce so they can master it all. He wants Dean to be happy, he wants to be happy himself, and he wants to set the best possible ground for their little girl. Going on a date was the first thing that came to his mind to not lose themselves in the process of moving out of this damn house, but maybe he just lacks the creativity to see what is the right thing to do.

Dean literally snaps his fingers in front of the alpha’s face to jerk him from this grim mood. His scent must’ve given his thoughts away. “It’s okay, Cas, it really is. Getting out of here, living together with just you and our daughter, that’s what I really want. I don’t care if we don’t have weekly date nights in restaurants or movie theaters.” He tickles Castiel behind the ear and the alpha jerks slightly. “Oh, and by the way, we totally were on dates since January.”

“Ordering Chinese food and binge-watching Netflix isn’t a date, Dean.”

“It sure is. Especially when you have amazing sex that night.” Dean winks and Cas chuckles and shakes his head. It’s hard to argue with his mate.

“Come on, you know me,” the omega continues, “I’m a simple man. You got yourself the real deal, I’m not here for the bling and caviar.”

That makes Castiel laugh. “Okay, what are you here for then?”

Dean shrugs and tilts his head to the side. “I kinda dig my roommate.”

 Thank God for this man and his goofy attitude. Cas probably will never understand how his husband manages to laugh things off so casually. “Okay, even _if_ we count leaving crumbs in our bed as a date, I still want to take you out on Sunday. And if you won’t let me do this for you, then let me do it for myself.”

Dean bends down and kisses the top of his head. “That’s what I wanted to hear.” He laughs and steps back. When Castiel looks up he sees his husband pulling off his shirt. The omega just shrugs. “I’d still like to be treated tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously missed writing so damn much... and thank you a thousand times for staying with me <3  
> On another note: I decided to stick to shorter chapters and with that hopefully will be able to get back to a more frequent schedule of updates. Love y'all <3<3


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! This time I'm back sooner, yay! Get ready for some fluff and have fun reading this chapter

On Sunday, Castiel thanks God for his mate and pup, for his job, and for the sunny weather on that day. He prays for peace and health, and for their effort to pay off in the future. Over the past weeks, maybe months, he found a way to use this social event to live his faith in a manner that he feels comfortable with even though he never felt more distant from the people around him. Just as Dean became an expert in twisting the words in the gospels to entertain himself, Cas learned to ignore the sometimes archaic messages in the sermons and instead uses the time to recall psalms and verses in his mind that are close to his heart. He firmly believes that God is more pleased with this than with him following rules without thinking, and in a way, that makes him feel more Christian than he ever did. Dean doesn’t share his sentiments on this topic but the omega stopped making fun of him a long time ago and sometimes even lets Cas read the bible to him.

After church, the two only shortly stay for the usual lunch with the rest of the parish. For one thing, they are seriously annoyed by Hannah and Dick bragging about their enormous plans for the wedding reception and honeymoon, and also, they rather ditch their suits for jeans and drive off to spend a whole afternoon free from judgmental glances and affected smiling. They take the Impala and head north, a bit outside the city, where, despite the steadily rising temperatures, snow still covers the ground under the trees. Cas is amazed by how much his posture changes when they leave the busy downtown area behind and follow winding streets with beautiful landscapes passing by. He calms down, noticing how he breathes more easily, and a smile tucks at his lips. Dean’s old cassette tapes provide a pleasant background noise that the alpha only partly listens to while staring out of the window. After a quick glance at his mate in the driver’s seat, though, he can’t tear his eyes away. Dean’s fingers drum on the steering wheel to the rhythm of the song, his head goes back and forth with the beat, and his lips move in sync with the lyrics. The omega looks at ease and when he turns to Castiel, he smiles brightly. Dean takes one hand off the wheel and rests it on the seat between them, palm up.

They drive for about an hour, holding hands the whole time, and spontaneously decide to stop when they pass through a small town and see a diner at the corner of a street. It’s early in the afternoon and since they have barely eaten anything besides breakfast and a cucumber sandwich at the church lunch it wouldn’t surprise Cas if his or Dean’s stomach roared up anytime soon. The diner is empty except for an elderly couple and a group of teenagers, maybe thirteen or fourteen years old, as well as a mother clenching to a cup of coffee while her two kids color the napkins with blue clouds, red horses and a sun with a smiley face. It’s a cozy little place that has seen generations of butts leaving imprints on the faux leather seats and the menu probably hasn’t changed at all since 1985. All eyes are on them when they enter and yet, Castiel doesn’t feel unwelcome or judged. They take an empty booth and just seconds later, a tall waitress puts a bottle of water and two glasses on their table and smiles at them.

“How can I help you, sweethearts?” She has her hair twisted up in a knot and put maybe a little bit too much of rouge on her cheeks.

Dean studies the menu but Cas knows exactly what his mate is going to order. Where food is concerned, the omega is pretty much predictable.

“Two bacon cheeseburgers it is,” The waitress repeats. Her name is Gina as Castiel can read on the tag attached to her blouse. She gives them another warm smile before disappearing into the kitchen.

The dark-haired man looks across the table and sees his mate staring at him. “What?”

Dean chuckles. “Nothing. I’m just glad we’re doing this.”

So is Cas. It’s exactly the kind of change of scenery he needed and hoped for. They eat their burgers, drink milkshakes because Dean insists on it, and of course finish their meal with a piece of pie. When Castiel pays and leaves a tip for the waitress he feels incredibly proud. It must show on his face because once they have left the diner, Dean pulls him in close and kisses him. “You look cute when you grin from ear to ear.”

They take their seats in the Impala again and the omega starts the engine. It’s half past two and way too early to head home already. Also, the weather is still nice and sunny and they both want to make the most of this first day in a long time that they have just to themselves.

“Where now?” Dean asks.

Castiel scratches the back of his head and blushes. It was his idea to go on a date today, his idea to take the Impala and just drive. So far, it has gone exactly to his plan and that they found this diner, even though coincidental, made it a successful day until now. But at the same moment, he thinks he should have prepared a bit better because he has no idea what to do next. “Uhm, I thought maybe we could just go for a walk somewhere. It’s so nice outside.”

Dean stays quiet for a second before he nods and sets back with the car. “Sounds good. Maybe somewhere near the water where we came by earlier?”

The alpha sighs and then grins. “Yeah.”

They find a place just outside the little town and park Baby in the shadow of some blossoming oak trees. A narrow path leads them through the woods down to a small bay at the shore of Lake Michigan. The ground is still covered by a thin layer of snow here and there which makes it slippery to walk on and Dean curses at the slope that forces him to walk slowly.

“I look like a penguin waddling my way down here.” He holds on to a branch and lifts his head to look at Cas. “Hey, don’t laugh at me! I wanna see you all pregnant and with swollen feet trying to get down this fucking hill. I don’t think you’d find it so funny then.”

The alpha bites his cheek on the inside. He really didn’t mean to laugh at his mate but Dean’s constant swearing on every step was kind of funny. He is at the other man’s side in an instance and holds the omega tight to help him down the path. For a second, Cas thinks this might not have been the best location but when they reach the water, it looks too damn beautiful to care about much more. Even Dean has to agree.

The sun high above reflects on the water surface with the sky giving it a nice blue color. Nothing but nature spans as far as they can see, without another person around. Cas is no stranger to the lake - he used to run along the shore in Chicago every morning - but everything looks so different here, smells and sounds so different. A brisk gush of wind lets him close his jacket up until his jaw, the woolen collar feeling nice and warm against his skin. There are birds everywhere; in the air over their heads, diving down into the depth of the lake, grouping on a couple of rocks that glow brightly in the sunlight. The reed in the shallow stretch of water right to their feet offers a perfect hiding place for ducks and insects. A dragonfly buzzes in front of Cas’ eyes in its many iridescent colors. This is truly the perfect place for a romantic walk.

Dean immediately takes Cas’ hand and they slowly follow the shore. They don’t even say anything at first, just marvel at the scenery surrounding them. When they pass an old fishing boat, abandoned and rotting in the mud, Dean picks up a branch and starts poking at the wood. He giggles like a child until one board breaks loose and dozens of spiders crawl out from underneath it. The omega drops the branch immediately and jumps back with a high-pitched scream. Cas doesn’t even try to hide his amusement and bursts out laughing but when the other man flips him the finger he pulls him in and, against the blond man’s fake struggles, kisses him fiercely.

They keep walking along the shore and Castiel talks about how comfortable he feels at work, how much he likes his boss Nora, and how glad he is to be at least a bit independent from his brother. It’s liberating and soothing to be able to talk about his feelings like that, about what’s going on in his mind, and to have someone at his side who listens and understands him. If he had a time machine and could go back a couple of years to the confused and angry man he used to be, he’d refer to exactly this moment. He’d describe the image of him and his mate holding hands, laughing and chatting, surrounded by nothing but nature, to make his younger self realize what he could gain if he just let go of the hateful thoughts about himself and others that he got indoctrinated with his whole life. This realization and the actions he became brave enough to take made him happier than he’s ever been. Even happier than he thought possible.

Dean jerks him from his thoughts by kissing him on his cheek. “You smell nice,” he says, shortly nuzzling against Cas’ neck before stopping in his track and bending down to pick up a small, flat stone. The omega throws it across the water where it bounces off the surface four times and then disappears into the deep blue.

Castiel tries the same but his stone immediately sinks down with a loud thud. He is about to leave it be and keep on walking but Dean picks up more pebbles to show him how it’s done. It takes several attempts but eventually, the alpha manages to let the stone bounce twice.

The longer they walk, the windier it gets and clouds form up high above their heads, shielding the sunlight from reaching them. It turns colder by the minute and Dean keeps his hands in the pockets of his jacket the whole time. Castiel has no idea how far they’ve got but that it’s probably smart to head back. The dark-haired man searches for an easy path through the section of green parting them from the street; If he listens closely, he can even hear a car passing by every now and then. But when Cas turns around to his mate, the omega stands right at the waterline, the tips of his shoes being grazed by the waves.

“It’s nice here,” he says when Cas steps next to him. The blond man doesn’t turn his gaze away from the lake for a second and Castiel can see a little smile tucking at his husband’s mouth. It’s so different from the goofy and sometimes childlike laughter he’s used to seeing on the other man. When Dean has fun he is very vocal about it, throwing his head back, doubling over, grinning with his eyes squinted and his teeth showing. The omega is impulsive in his joy and Cas loves him for it. But this smile has nothing to do with an overflowing show of emotions; it’s subtle, an expression of contentedness. Dean’s scent accompanying his appearance at this moment makes him reach for the man’s hand. It feels genuine.

“We gotta come back here in the summer,” Dean goes on, leaning into Cas a little bit, “With Mary. And Sam, if the soon-to-be college boy even has time to visit us.”

The alpha looks up to his mate and kisses him. “I’d really like to meet him. In person.”

Dean chuckles. “Sure you do. You two would turn to super nerds around each other.” He pauses for a moment and it’s silent except for the wind roaring around them. “He’s turning eighteen in a few weeks. Damn, I can’t believe my baby bro is a man now.”

Castiel nudges his mate. “You raised him well.” He smiles and pulls the other man in for a kiss.

They don’t really care about the weather around them for a while because Dean holds on to Cas and doesn’t let him go while sucking the breath out of him. But eventually, they have to head back and arrive at the car just in time before the first drops of rain hit the windshield. It already dawns when they pass the city limits of Chicago and instead of woods and nature, the two lovebirds are met with neon signs again. At some point, they are stopping at a red light, the omega chuckles and points out of the window to guide Cas’ sight to a strip club.

“I always planned to get Sam a fake ID and take him out for his first lap dance on his eighteenth birthday. I thought that’s exactly what I was supposed to do as the big brother. My dad would’ve taken me if I hadn’t disgusted him so much by turning out an omgea.” He pauses and takes a deep breath.

Cas immediately reaches across the bench to squeeze his mate’s hand and tries to lift the mood. “You can take your brother out when he comes visiting us.” It works. Dean shakes his head but huffs a laugh.

“He’d constantly tell the strippers to go back to school.” Even though meant as a joke, Castiel can’t help but believe there’s some truth in this statement.

They reach the Novak house in the dark and walk in on the whole family gathered around for dinner. When Anna moves to get them two more plates, Cas waves her off with a kind smile and goes into the kitchen himself, picking up plates and loading them with a bit of everything. “We’re eating upstairs,” he says, matter-of-factly, to the group and doesn’t wait for any sort of answer or comment before grabbing Dean’s hand and almost dragging him up the stairs. He can almost feel his mother’s and Michael’s icy glances in his back that accompany their obvious outrage. But he is also sure he can hear Luke laughing. His husband next to him seems to be nothing short of impressed by this attitude.

“Oh, I love me some fierce, badass mate. Makes you even sexier.”

Castiel smirks. “I simply didn’t want to ruin our awesome day by seeing their stupid faces longer than necessary.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are so damn cute. Next chapter we'll be back to Dean's POV. Thanks for reading<3


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya everyone. A shorter chapter this time, but it just felt right to cut it at that point and I hope you enjoy reading it anyway.

“Oh, this is good,” Dean moans. His head falls back against the towel rolled up in his neck and he closes his eyes. “Really good.”

He feels warm and heavy - truly relaxed - as the aching in his body slowly fades away. His back, neck, knees, and feet, basically everything hurt lately; but now he can just lean back and enjoy the feeling. If it weren’t for the scented oils he would fill the whole room with the sickening sweetness of happy pregnant omega.

“I knew you’d like it.”

Dean’s eyes fly open to the view of Cas leaning against the sink with a tray in his hands and a smirk on his face. The blond man feels his cheeks heating up but they have tinted red anyway because of the warmth surrounding him.

Cas sets the tray down and steps closer, still with a shit-eating grin. “Look at you manly man enjoying a bubble bath.” He sits down on the edge of the bathtub and bites his bottom lip in an attempt to hide his amusement.

“Oh, shut it,” Dean grumbles. Yes, he enjoys himself greatly, and yes, he at first refused to believe he would, but that doesn’t mean he will let Cas get away with this smug attitude. He splashes water in his husband’s direction and bursts out laughing at the sight of the alpha’s shirt getting soaked with foam and bath water. Judging the other man’s expression, he didn’t quite expect this move.

“Great, now I have to change,” Cas sighs. He doesn’t seem to be genuinely crossed, though.

Dean settles into a more comfortable position again and feels his fingertips slowly wrinkling. He reaches for the glass of juice and the cookies Cas brought in on the tray. “Wear the dark blue one.” He takes a bite and a few crumbs fall down into the water. “Oh, and leave the top buttons open,” he adds with a little gesture.

The alpha has already left the bathroom again but answers from outside the door. “I don’t think that would be appropriate when meeting the landlady. She seemed a little uptight on the phone.”

Dean swallows around another cookie. “You were uptight as fuck and still you love it when I -” He stops when Cas pokes his head into the room again with raised eyebrows. The omega grins and purses his lips and a kissing motion. Oh, he knows exactly what he does to the other man with this and Cas clearing his throat is the evidence he doesn’t even need.

“Do you need help getting out?” Cas asks, fumbling with the collar of a gray shirt. Dean shakes his head. “Okay,” the alpha continues, “I won’t take long, I’ll just drop off a report in Michael’s office and then come straight back to pick you up. One hour max. Do you manage to be ready by then?” He stands in front of the mirror for a moment to fix his tie. Just the way Dean showed him.

The blond man shrugs. “Sure.”

Cas turns to him and bends down to peck him on the lips. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

 

Butt naked and lazily drying himself off with a soft towel, Dean walks across the bedroom while he can still faintly hear the water flush down the drain in the bathtub. Mary either loved or hated it but she sure got a bit more active and viciously kicks inside of him. To Dean, it doesn’t even feel like indigestion anymore but like real movements of a real pup growing in his womb. He’s got thirteen more weeks to go until he’s lying in a hospital bed to give birth to their daughter. According to Dr. Crowley, Dean’s pregnancy is smooth and unproblematic, something that surprises not only the doctor; taking into account his history with suppressant abuse and a constantly high anxiety level during the first trimester, Dean feared and almost expected something to go terribly wrong. But he’s fine and so is the pup. His discomfort and soreness are completely normal - especially since his male body has a harder time adjusting to the pregnancy - and it doesn’t even bother him as much on a daily basis as he thought it would. So far at least.

Dean dresses in a nice pair of jeans and a shirt that looks fancy and still fits him well. Even though they have searched for apartments for a while now, the omega didn’t quite expect them to actually get invited to a visiting so soon. The two-bedroom-apartment they applied for certainly is at the upper limit of their budget, but it is bigger than most of the others and in a nice neighborhood, not too far from Cas’ work.

Taking a quick glance at his watch, he returns to the bathroom to shave the hint of stubble on his jaw. His eyes fall on the little bowl next to his toothbrush cup. Dean picks up his wedding ring and puts it on his finger, turning it in place a couple of times. It’s a weird feeling that he never really got used to, and while Cas never takes it off, Dean only ever wears it when they go to church or other places where they could meet someone they know. Maybe he simply can’t bring himself to decorate his body with something that reminds him of one of the most horrible days of his life.

Dean swallows and he immediately thinks of Cas. He never talks to the alpha about this out of fear to hurt the other man’s feelings, knowing how much being married means to his mate. It might be a social construct to Dean but Cas holds it dear as an official testament of their relationship since they have no other to show off.

Dean is not stupid and he certainly isn’t blind, so of course he notices Cas’ pained glances at the scar on his neck. It distresses him too. Born out of desperation and the heat of the moment, the scar was meant to at least symbolically erase the connection between them from his body. And in a way, the omega thinks it worked. Of course this is stupid; he knows that they are mated and that the actual mating bite being burned from his skin doesn’t change anything about it. But he still wishes that there would be a sign, a _mark_ , that he and Cas belong together.

The omega huffs a laugh and shakes his head, staring ahead at his reflection in the mirror. Who would’ve thought that he’d one day think about himself and Cas like this? He certainly didn’t. But it’s true. The more he got to know Cas - the _real_ Cas, not the brainwashed going-to-be lawyer - and the more he opened up to the prospect of a life together, the harder it got to ignore the fact that Cas makes him happy. Genuinely happy. This somewhat clumsy, highly socially awkward guy with his messy dark hair and insanely blue eyes somehow manages to make him grin into the mirror at a simple thought of him.

Just the other day, Dean saw a trench coat on a mannequin in the window of a shop and he couldn’t help but think of Cas and feel a warmth spreading through his body. It wasn’t arousal but adoration. And it didn’t freak him out. Long gone are the days where he questioned every hint of feelings he had for Cas, blaming hormonal changes through the mating and even shortly considering something like the Stockholm syndrome. He couldn’t believe and process his own growing affections towards the alpha and tried to fight it, spent many sleepless nights pondering this topic, but not anymore. The past is the past; he has gone through shitty times and even shittier ones, somewhere along the way losing hope and optimism while his heart filled with self-hatred and anger towards the world. Meeting Cas and all the fucked-up things that came with it at first confirmed his theories but in the darkest of times, where he thought to have reached the bottom with no way to return, life turned his world upside down. Witnessing with his own eyes how Cas could change, how the alpha fought through the fog of a lifetime of hateful beliefs, and how he keeps growing, defending himself and Dean from everyone meaning them harm, gives Dean back a bit of hope in humanity every day. So, learning that he can’t erase the terrors of the time gone by, he refuses to keep clutching to desires of a happier past and rather looks forward to a brighter future.

The omega washes his hands before he turns off the light in the bathroom and walks down the stairs to meet Cas, who just parked on the street in front of the house. He grins and plants a passionate kiss on his mate’s lips when he settles down in the passenger seat. “Missed you,” he whispers.

Dean was so certain that going his own way, shutting himself off from everything and everyone, would make him strong and independent and would let him live in peace. But as it turns out, he grew even stronger by allowing himself to fall in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, my sweet boy, finally admitting his feelings. At least in his head. More to come, of course ;)
> 
> I wish you all a happy weekend. Treat yourself <3<3

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments welcome as always. And if you just wanna say hi, I'm also on [tumblr](https://riverchester.tumblr.com/)


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